you're all i ever need, i think.

from lady antebellum's "all we'd ever need".



idk what my own feelings are anymore. but what's going on around me is more than enough to keep me from thinking about him. but what doesn't change is the fact that everytime i'm with him or just talking to him, i never fail to find a smile on my face. he just has that effect on me. and somedays, when i'm down and out, all i want to do is just have a random chat with him, because i know that that's all i'll ever need.

but do i like him enough to want to take it to another level, idk. i regret somethings that i didn't do. but i'm at the same time glad that i didn't do them. it's a confusing feeling that doesn't make sense to me. but, i have no time to make sense of it, and it's left as a lingering thing that just doesn't dissipate.

for now, this is all that i need.

baby, be mine?

htht sessions always make me think even more about things. sometimes it keeps me going. sometimes, it impedes my progress. but at the end of the day, sighs. i still don't know.

and i dreamt of you, but i don't know who you are.

fell asleep for a while waiting for some documents to load and i dreamt the scariest, yet most amazing thing. it was a dream, definitely. but what was more interesting was that it was a continuation of a dream that i had a few weeks back. it was a dream where i was out clubbing with a guy friend, whose face i couldn't remember nor see. and we went into a club and had loads of fun but later realized was full of vampires, who didn't do anything to us. so this time round, we left safely.

today's dream, we went back to the same club again and this time, we met the same vampire guys as in the dream before. they were supposedly harmless and thus, we drank a little with them and talked here and there. but suddenly, one of them wanted to dance with me and i rejected. they got violent and tried to force me to. my guy friend tried to stop them, but one of them bit me on the hand, hard enough to leave a mark. and we started running.

running around, trying to evade them, i hid in the washroom. but they came in. my guy friend was nowhere to be seen, and i was struggling against the vampires. at the crucial moment, when one of them was about to bite me, that unknown guy friend rushed in with a knife from goodness knows where and stabbed the vampire saying "don't you do anything to the woman i treasure the most".

and i woke up with that line ringing in my ear and my left wrist throbbing from the "pain". it felt so real, it was scary. but i want to know who that unknown guy is. there were many times in the dream i know where i could see his face. but it was never clear. sighs. i don't know who he is, but i really want to know.

i'd take a midnight train to anywhere, just to get out of here.

sounds so complicated. feels so complicated. i don't really like my life at this point of time because i feel that there's just too much to deal with and i'm slowly falling away into an abyss of darkness that i don't really like . today, i decided not to do anything at all. and i just locked myself in my room and slept the whole day. a well-deserved rest i think because the weekend is going to be long and the next week, even longer. there's no end to many things and i don't see where somethings will be going. deadlines pressing in and things like that. i feel like dying. there's no support . there's no one around to help me. and i feel so lonely at times.

i want my life back. my life of shopping, clubbing, hanging out. i'd really rather be a nobody that a somebody right now. if i were a nobody, i'd be able to club as much as i want, slack as much as i want. the passion, is slowly dying down because there no support. and i just feel like fading away into the darkness. goodness.

but here and now's not the time to rant. i'm going to take it as it comes i guess. and all i can say to myself is JIAYOUS.

i wanna be . . .

sometimes, it's just totally confusing as to the way things are going. because i don't know what i myself want. somedays, i don't feel anything at all. somedays, imissyou like crazy, even though i shouldn't be. and there are those days where i feel that nothing's ever possible between us. and exactly in the opposite direction, there are days where i feel that maybe, just maybe there's something.

everything added up together gives me the hugest headache in the world. and sometimes i just shut it out by not listening to anything or by blasting my music so loud to drown out the incessant thoughts that just gather in my mind. but there are times where it doesn't work, and my mind flows into overload and just dies away slowly. because i can't pretend that i don't have those feelings no matter how much i deny. and then, i just either go into work overloading or fall asleep. to forget? to not think about it? i don't know. but sometimes it helps.

i wanna be, the one who'll be there for you. but he's already got somewhere else to hide if and when he's feeling down, and i'm not really needed at all. hah. i don't know if i can ever see a happily ever after, since i don't really see myself anywhere relationally in the near future, cause he's the only one my eyes are on.

but one day, someone will look at me the way that i'm looking at him now. and that's the day that i'm waiting for. i'll be even cooler if that someone is him. but life doesn't always work out that way. we'll see i guess. (:

pessimistic or optimistic, i don't know which one to be.
but here's a picture for you.

because i know that i'll get hurt later, or maybe sooner?

sometimes, i guess that pessimism just sets in, especially when there are questions that are unanswered and some that cannot be answered. some, are answers that i'm not ready to hear, just yet. present, still not done and well, i'm feeling guilty. because the longer i take to finish it, the more confused i become and the more emotions i put into that supposedly simple present. which seriously sucks.

i know i'm definitely going to get hurt, no matter what the answer is. i'm not ready to handle this sh*t right now cause i've got too many things on hand. and a lot on my mind. so, the heart isn't really taking precedence right now. i just want to slow things down and not think about it.

bahh.

finally found the courage to open the present you left behind.

it's been probably three weeks and your present has been lying on the floor, in its box. i never opened it because i didn't think it was fair that i had my present and you didn't have yours. but in the next few days, i'll be finishing yours, and you'll finally see what i've been working so hard on. hopefully, you'll like it and feel all the love that's coming from me. not the kind that you pretend to have, but the love that really exists. i've decided to stop running away from my own feelings and pretending to feel confused because somewhere, deep in me, i know that i've fallen for you.

i just didn't want to admit it and end up hurt.

but i figured that getting hurt would be sooner or later. i'd rather sooner than later. you make my heart skip a beat. you make my day that little brighter. and one day, even if when the day comes and your answer is no, i know that i'll have wonderful memories to keep with me. i see them all over my room now. and i know that they'll still be there in the future.

bahh. time to sleep.
essays have been keeping me awake for too long.
and so have you.

MAF with council is TMR! loves.

i'm excited. (: i'm finally seeing my dearest 29SC, after a long long time since, benben's birthday celebration? OMG. seriously miss them to bits! and pieces. life's really not the same without them. and without them, NYJC would probably no longer hold as much meaning to me as it does now. the days where we went to school with the sky dark, and left when the sky was still dark.

third year celebrating MAF together. seems like a really long time. next year, we're celebrating our 4th birthday. and hopefully, the 5th, 6th & 7th birthday. and when we do, hopefully, i'll bring my bf for them to see. and he'll become a 29thHusband. (we call the bf/gfs of any 29thCouncillor a Husband/Wife. cause we're family.) loves. and at my wedding, i want them to be there, all 30 of them. because they were my greatest joy in JC, and i'd definitely want to share my greatest joy in life with them. (:

since we stepped down two years ago, i've been in many other committees. but none as heartwarming as my dearest 29th. none that i've missed as much as the 29th. none as close to my heart as the 29th.

29SC, my heart's always with this group of people.