early this morning when i got back from work, i was talking to k2 online and after than half an hour or so of what seemed to be more of a monologue than a dialogue, i finally understood some thing. or rather some things. and no, i'm not very sad anymore. but i still need time for myself to think through certain things and put some things on the right path.

and however irritating it is to admit that someone actually knows you better than yourself, i have to admit that there is that one person who knows me better than myself, other than God of course. somehow, just as i have changed since i last said goodbye to him, he's changed to, or at least i feel so. but whatever he said was true. those were the things that were running through my mind the past few days, but were things that i never did because i was too caught up in the moment. in the end, yh still knows my thoughts the best and still gives sound advice and encouragement whenever i need it.

think of happy things.
think of the good things in life.
think of things i can be thankful of.
think of the blessings that are around me.

i don't believe in fate. neither do i believe in coincidence. but too many things have been happening at the same time and i cannot believe that it is really happening. life has, was, and hopefully, always will be good. but if so many bad things happen at the same time, what am i suppose to believe they are.

but nature i'm an optimist. if i cry, it means that i'm hurt very badly. and the past few days is a perfect example me being hurt very, very badly. today, i went to church and i cried. not because i was touched by God, but because i just took the opportunity to let out everything when no one's looking. in church, seeing people cry is normal. and i just blended in with them. because i don't want people to ask me why i'm crying. because i don't want to see the eyes of people boring into me with shades of over-protectiveness. i'm a fiercely independent girl even though i don't look and act the part most of the time.

there is only one person's arms that i will fall into crying because he is the one who's always been there for me. he's always the first to realize something is wrong with me and always the first to lend me a shoulder to cry on. and i will unashamedly take his shoulder for support. breaking, thailand, my family problems, he knows them all. but recently, i find myself running away from him as well. i want to tell him and go to him for comfort, but i hold myself back. because i don't want him to worry. because i don't know how to face him. because i don't know how to tell him.

i've lost my only source of verbal comfort and one of the few people who ever really cared for me, and i'm doing it because i cannot bear to let him see me in the state that i really am in.

if all that has happened was a coincidence, i just feel that i could jump off mount everest. the extent of sadness and tears is definitely more than all the seas in the world combined. but who know what quelyn goes through. i know there are some people who are just waiting for me to tell them what's happening to me. they seem to care, but i know that they will not care enough. they will just keep wanting to give me advice instead of care. i know i shouldn't be babied, but i don't want advice either.


i know i shouldn't be feeling like this since it's so near to LTC and i have to be at my best. but please forgive me, just let me be like this for the next week or so. if you knew what i'm going through, you would know why i'm feeling this way. but since you don't know, i don't ask for your sympathy. i can only promise you that i'll be at my best when i need to be. that's the beauty of having a personality like mine.

Labels: dreams, emotions, lost

what's wrong with me these few days?
everything that i do, say or even think
makes me remember the past.
our past. his present. my present.
and our futures

i really feel so lost
when can i get out of this
when can i really forget
when can i tell myself to accept the fact
that he's already with her

how can i like them both
both so far away from me
God, tell me what loving another is
then maybe i won't be so lost

i have a feeling that all this is linked to the fact
that i think i know where my future lies
i know where i am supposed to go
and i've known it for so long
but i just didn't want to listen
i didn't want to give in

but now the calling is so strong
that there's nothing i can do
to ignore it anymore

i don't want to give my best
i don't want to give me all
but that means that i'll be giving up on a dream
and giving up on my calling in life

CRY.

why do we cry?

Labels: emotions

yesterday marks the last day of the 3-day period morning in china for the lost souls of the wenchuan earthquake. and even as rescues are still on-going, i pray that the international community continue to pray for the survivors and send them the aid that they need.

yesterday i attended the 31st Council Investiture, and it reminded me that another year has passed. how quickly time flies. and for all i know, next year i'll be attending the 32nd Council Investiture. wow. it brought back some happy memories that made me cry. i realized as i was sitting with the 29th, how lucky i was to be with the 29th because they really are, the one and only batch that will always be mine to keep and treasure. no one else will have the memories that we share. no one else will go through the moments that we had. and none of the other batches will ever be as important to me as the 29th. and on this blog, i will make a promise to the 29th that no matter what happens in the future, i will always remember all of you and the important dates in the future will be a rememberance of all of you.

i honestly have a feeling that in a few years time, i'll be flying far away from singapore to another country where God has called me to be. He has given me a burden to do something in other countries. it'd be a dream come true for me, but a nightmare as well because it'll be a strange place that i will be "swimming" in. the pond will no longer be my playground because i will be in the sea. it's not going to be easy, but the attitudes and values that i learned together with the 29th will follow me always.

from a geographer's point of view, the year 2008 is one of the best years to uncover the secrets of then atmosphere, lithosphere and hydrosphere. with so many natual disasters happening, it's just amazing how they happen one after another. from cyclone nargis in Myanmar, to the tornados in the US and the recent earthquake in Chengdu, China - emotions aside - i think it is one of the best years to take geography at the 'A'levels. so many unanswered questions to explore. why did an earthquake happen in the middle of a plate? the aftermath of cyclone nargis - natural disaster or human disaster? the tornado in the US vs. cyclone in myanmar. i tell you, if i was going to take my As this year, i'd rejoice and thank God - not for the disaster, but for the excellent case studies that i would be able to "dump" into my essay this year.

from a political science point of view, 2008 is also an excellent year. from taiwan's elections earlier in the year and the US presidential elections later in the year contrasting with the junta in myanmar. democracy vs. military regime. plus my own personal favourite (although not in 2008) of singapore's constant walkovers (my mum has been living in the same district for almost 30 years, and every election that has ever happened was a walkover, she never got to vote.) i'm not a huge fan of politics per se. but i just like analyzing the patterns and trends. if you ask me what's the difference between republicans and democrats, i'll only tell you that the only thing i know is Obama + his stirring up of being the first Black pres and Clinton + her husband's sex scandal. honestly, politics is not always about the study of consitutions and laws that are passed. that's just the boring stuff. the exciting stuff is the things that happen behind all those empty promises.

from a humanitarian point, it's the best year to see NKF happening at an even larger scale - in myanmar. and it's also another year that is best to see how international relief works and how efficient it really is. with two disasters, both on a larger scale compared to the boxing day tsunami, there are guesses that there won't be enough relief to cover both disasters especially with worsened conditions in both areas. myanmar does not have enough relief flowing to the right places and china just lost it's golden 72hour period of rescue. so now what? myanmar is like a cess pit waiting to rot even further while china is already strewn with dead bodies and almost nowhere to "store" all these corpses. so where do we go from now? can the UN pass down an order for myanmar to open up? will ASEAN touch our fellow members heart and get them to allow relief experts in? will china open up to even more international help to cope with the disaster? will both countries be able to get up from these disasters and rebuild themselves?

i finally got a call about my NUS application
and it was the most nerve wrecking phone call i have gotten in the past 18 years of my life. honest to goodness. i was almost going to cry

why you may ask.
because they asked me if i was on my way to my interview!
i was totally shocked because i didn't know about any interview
and they said that someone called me.
God be my witness that the only call i ever received from them
was regarding my USP interview.
i was supposed to have an interview today and i didn't even know about it!!

but THANK GOD!
they checked and they say that they'll reschedule me
although i don't know when
but i'm looking forward to their call

to think, just yesterday i was praying on the phone with joycelyn about it
and today i got a call!
not a very good surprise, but nevertheless, better than nothing.

thank you N415 for praying for me
thank you to Joycelyn & Clarence especially
and thank you God for loving me so much!!

i finally see the power of prayer working in my life
and i know that i have many more prayers to be answered
but the key is faith
and i feel that i still have a long way to go

all my friends around me are getting replies from the respective universities. among my two other best friends and me, they have already gotten their acceptance letters from NUS. and me... my application is still pending. and frankly speaking, i'm getting a little worried already. i know that i shouldn't be because i have God. but naturally, i ill get worried because it concerns something that i can't see right now. then again, God says that faith is the belief of things that are not seen.

rar. i'm worried, worried, worried. but i pray that God, You give me faith to contnue believing. my future in You is bright and i shouldn't worry about it right. :) as God said to Martha, Mary chose what is more important and that cannot be taken away. i choose to believe in You and Your plan for me. and i pray that as i start learning more and more about You, You give me more faith.