Friday, October 31, 2008
wow. for the first time in a few weeks, i slept in till 10.30 in the day! i have a conference to go to actually, but i'll go for the afternoon sessions cause this morning, hahas. i'm late for my session already. and for the first time, i really slept uninterrupted. no dreams, no nightmares. just plain rest. i didn't think that putting away one part of my concerns would be so refreshing! but the rest was good and needed because tonight i'm going night cycling till like tomorrow morning. i think i'll be quite tired tomorrow cause there's a whole line-up of activities already. plus lack of sleep. i don't know what will become of me!
rar. still haven't heart from my auditions yet. maybe the results aren't out yet, or maybe i didn't make the cut because there were definitely many more talented people than me at that auditions like singing and playing the guitar at the same time or dancing solo (i think this needs super a lot of courage!) yeah. but it's ok. whatever the results, thank you N415 for standing by me and praying for me.
and yes! I'M LATE FOR MY CONFERENCE!
byes!
hehes.
to you:
even though i LIKED that person for 5years, it doesn't mean i didn't LOVE you.
only you know what i was willing to give you.
and i would never have done those things if there wasn't any love for you
only you would know how much pain it brought me to leave you then
or, i don't know, maybe you thought that it was my fault that everything happened
even so, i wasn't crying almost everyday for half a year for nothing
it took me almost 8months to get over someone who wasn't even in sight
and that was because i loved you and couldn't be with you
if i didn't love a person, i don't think i would cry that freaking much
and honestly, till this day
i don't even know if i'm totally over you
but at the end of the day, think what you want i guess.
if you doubt that i loved you then
i don't want to say anything either because it just goes to show
how much you understood about me then.
and if you didn't understand me then, hah. the old me would cry an ocean because i loved you so much then.
the new me, will just ask that you forgive me for only giving you 99% of my heart then
and then ask you if we can still be friends
that's all i have to say.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
i guess that's all that is on my mind right now. i didn't think that giving up on liking someone would have offended someone i used to love. somehow i have a feeling that as usual, whatever i wrote was read halfway, misinterpreted and well, you know what the results are in a miscommunication. and i think that was the biggest problem that we had because i like communicating in a non-verbal way. to me, my actions are louder than what i say or what i write. damn. i wouldn't spend hours folding random things like stars and birds and little notes for nothing. i wouldn't spend hours in the library staring at someone i didn't love.
but i guess everyone has different love languages and some people don't understand certain love languages. i myself would say that i don't understand all the love languages either. but that's what makes love so much more fun and challenging and exciting. but you have to get a partner who is willing to look past all your stupid little flaws and not try to change you to be someone else, and who is also willing to explore different ways of love.
but i guess that after tomorrow, this will be my last "escapade" with love, or anything similar to that. till today, i can honestly say that, i don't even know if i've really gotten over my ex-bf. i occasionally wish that i was still his gf. and i occasionally wish that he would bring me around his hometown and show me all the romantic little spots where we could spend time together. but those are just my stupid little day dreams because, i don't think he will do those kind of things.
silly little mind of mine, thinking about being loved even more. but not anymore. i have to start running towards my dream and that was the reason for the "invisible" post. for at least then next 7years, there's only going to be boys who are friends, and no more boyfriends. boyfriends are like stumbling blocks to a girls dreams and ambitions. when i reach the top, then i'll look for a life partner. there are things that have to come first, sacrifices to be made. but only then can you be who you want to be.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
as i start walking through my university days, i realize how much i don't know about the things that i am interested in. i have knowledge about everything, but a professional in none of them. but that's going to change today. one more expectation of myself is to be more knowledgeable in the things that i am interested in, such as geopolitics, sustainable energy, feminism etc. the list goes on, and the learning never ends. :)
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
i'm hoping that after this entry, i will really be able to put aside my feelings for you and continue on with the life that i am suppose to lead. i know that even if you really are the one for me, it's not time for me to dabble in the area of relationships. it's not safe for me to do such things now because i know that i have to live the dream that God has given me. and until i make it come true, you will never really be able to enter the equation of my life. i also know that it's not time for me to be loving you in this way because i'm not complete in God yet. when the day comes, i'll know if you truly are the one for me.
i'm also putting you aside because it's very tiring to be loving someone and knowing that in his heart and mind, he is actually thinking of someone else. i've loved you even before you knew it and even though you had x number of girlfriends in the past, i still loved you though you loved them. but i realize that it's not meant to be this way. love, isn't like this. when love is one-sided, it's not called love, it's called, obsession, of the right kind. but i don't want to feel the pain that this kind of love brings. to see you holding another girl, to see you having only eyes for that other girl, seeing you take care of her every time we go out together. that kind of pain, is something that i don't want anymore. it's not that i'm not willing to go through it, but it's just me who cannot take it anymore.
five years - that's how long i've loved you. it's a wonder that you still don't know. i personally am not sure how i could have hidden it from you so well. there were at least four or five times that i wanted to confess to you. but i stopped myself because i didn't want to risk rejection, and more importantly, our friendship. through these five years, i've had my fair share of boyfriends. i swear that i loved them with almost all my heart, but you were still living in there, all the time.
it's not that you don't love me. i know you do. but just not in the way that i am hoping it goes. i know you treat me like a little kid who doesn't know anything. but that's because i really don't know. i know you treat me like a little girl because on many occasions, you had to send me home. and on those occasions, i dreamt that you were my boyfriend, taking me home after a long date. but i've decided to stop lying to myself. i know you love me like a little sister because that's what many people tell me. i know i'm still precious to you in someway because you call me by that name.
but i really don't want to live in the lies that i'm telling myself about you. honestly, if you ask me, i know all your little quirks and eccentricities. your bad habits, your good characteristics. i know them like the back of my own hand. but what i lie to myself about is that you care for me more than a friend, more than a sister. and that's what i'm going to stop. i don't want to lie to myself anymore because i feel as if i'm sinning against myself.
five years, and i conclude it by saying for the last time, i love you.
five years, i conclude it by telling you that, you will always be someone i trust.
five years, i conclude that you will never know how much i've loved you.
five years, i conclude that you will be my best friend for life.
next time, i hope that we will be able to find each other.
or, our destined soulmates.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Michael Jordan once said, "You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them". thinking right now, i ask myself, what am i expecting of myself? what do i expect myself to do today? tomorrow? in the future? then i realize, i don't really have any concrete plans right now. in fact, i have nothing, absolutely nothing at all.
Martin Luther King Jr. said, "I have a dream", and he made that dream come true. everyone has dreams, so why isn't everyone living their dream? because, not everyone has the courage to run towards their dreams. these dreams that we have, they often sap one of all his or her energy, and courage, because you never know when you'll make it. it could be tomorrow. it could be next week. it could be next year. it could be, never. that's how cruel the world is to all our dreams.
i took a chance at the Asia Conference's ShowTime. and so far, i haven't heard from them yet. i have another opportunity ahead of me, NTU's CAC Impresario 2009. registration deadline is the 30th of Nov. just two days away, but i'm still wavering if i should take this chance.
but then again, it all boils down to this one question.
"what am i expecting of myself?"
expectation: i want to get water baptized.
course of action: water baptism class (taken), sign consent for (signed)
to do now: talk to brother joe asap
expectation: enlarge my capacity for the things of God
course of action: pray, read the bible, fast, quiet time, worship
to do now: EVEN MORE OF THE ABOVE!
expectation: ideal weight of 50kg
course of action: exercise - netball (joined), road relay (not participating for medical reasons)
to do now: take care of ankle so that it will heal faster and i can exercise more
[don't need to talk about eating cause i'm almost eating nothing nowadays.]
expectation: i want to sing
course of action: audition, audition, AUDITION!!!
to do now: take every audition opportunity that comes along.
expectation: i want to dance
course of action: dance classes
to do now: take care of ankle!!
so, today, i've set some expectations of myself.
now it's time to start fulfilling them!
quelyn, LET'S GO!
:D
Friday, October 24, 2008
谁说我没长大
谁说我不够坚强
就算受了伤 也不会害怕
有一天 幸福再造访
谁说我放不下
谁说不能去原谅
虽然有时候 还是会想他
对的人 却在另个方向
谁说我没长大
谁说我不够坚强
就算受了伤 也不会害怕
一个人 有好多梦想
谁说我放不下
谁说不能去原谅
虽然有时候 还是会想他
离开了 才能各自飞翔
no real reason for this post
or maybe there is
iwanttotellyouhowmuchiloveyou
butiknowyoulikesomeoneelse
waitingforfiveyearshasbeentiring
ithoughtimovedonbecauseihadboyfriends
butitseemstomethatineverforgotyou
imstillgoingtowaitforyou
untilthedayyouturnbackandseethatiloveyou
morethanyouthinkido
or until the day another prince comes for me
Thursday, October 23, 2008
the weather of the past few days have been rainy
and it seems to mirror that of some of my emotions
i'm very grateful to the people around me, especially N415.
they're the ones who've been praying for me
they're the ones who've been my listening ear
they're the ones who've always been there
but i just feel that there's something missing
something that i cannot find
something that i cannot stop
maybe it's because i've not been thinking enough these few days
the only personal time is when i'm doing my quiet time
i'm so busy
i'm so tired
i'm almost giving up?
honestly, i'm not doing too well at school.
studying has never been my thing
it's just a responsibility i have to fulfill
it's just a phase in life i go through to satisfy my parents
and that's why i chose to stay in hall
because at least through my 4years in NUS
i'll be able to do things that i like
even though it's tiring
even though it's time consuming
at least it's something i choose to do
i'm taking even bigger steps this year towards my dream
starting small from singing at the bar
then going for auditions in my hall's band
and now, the Asia Conference's Showtime.
i really thank God
for the experience at my Showtime auditions.
it was really a confidence booster
because i didn't falter
in front of such important people in Church
it really wasn't by my strength alone
thank God for being there
and i thank Karen as well, who came to support
it really meant a lot to me
now God, help me in my SECC Interview
that's in less than 3hours time.
tell me what to say
give me the wisdom
give me the courage
to shine for you in Sheares.
有时候 你会让让我
尽管我小女生发作
有时候 你会装作不懂
默默地 留一些空间给我
这些事情 其实 我一直都藏在心里
can someone tell me
what exactly are memories?
how do you know if they are real?
and how would you know if your mind just made them up?
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
excited. nervous. confident.
that's the mix of emotions i'm feeling now as my auditions draw near.
as well as my proposal deadline comes to a close too.
God, i know that you have a plan and purpose for my life
i chose these two paths.
and i hope that i can walk on them concurrently
but Your will be done, not mine.
if they are for me, open the door
if not, close the doors
and open windows instead!
<3s.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
the message at today's EDGE meeting was just so timely. amidst everything that is going on, recently, i've been feeling more tired than usual. and also, i was losing confidence as the days went by because a majority of things were not going the right way. self-doubt just settled in and i got quite emo and stuff. of course there are some things like being sad and angry about a certain incident (see previous post) and that's something that i have to let go soon and let God handle. but other than that, i was just feeling low because i was feeling so tired and i was not able to do anything well.
but the message i just heard was just too powerful to be true. and it is definitely what is going to bring me through this year. it can be said to be my revelation of this year and i'm going to practice it. i don't want my negative words to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. instead, i want all my positive dreams and words to be that prophecy that is fulfilled! i'm going to speak good words and change my self-image.
:) quelyn is going to be a better lady!
because she's beautiful
because she's talented
because she's confident
because she's a leader
because she's strong
because she's healthy
because she's a singer
because she's a dancer
because she's a CHILD OF GOD!
get ready world
cause Quelyn's gonna take you by storm.
Friday, October 17, 2008
yeah, it hurts.
to have someone you love forget about you.
probably means you didn't mean enough to them
because they could forget you
if she really lost her memory
i'm crying because she meant so much to me
but i didn't mean a thing to her
if she's pretending to lose her memory
i'm crying because she cannot grow up
and her heart torn apart by that ba****d
mr nicholas yeo, you better watch your back
you never know which day you conscience
will come back and haunt you
when that time comes
no one will save you
serves you right
for breaking my sister's heart
if i weren't sane
i'd kill you and send your family with you
but because God is love
i'll try to forgive your sorry a**.
i hope you will treat that girl of yours
that you have now
just that bit better
or one day i'll team up with her
and strip you of everything you have
that's if i become insane, of course.
Monday, October 13, 2008
i have an assignment due tomorrow. i've sat in front of the computer for one whole day. but i haven't been able to write a single word. i'm just too troubled about other things, to a point where i'm not thinking at all. we all have our own problems, when will mine have an end to it?
God, is there a way to bring peace to my family?
i beg You, if there is, i'd give my life away so that they can be happy.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
almost 4am in the morning.
got back to hall at around 2.30am.
went to bathe, went do do some buaya week stuff.
now i'm here.
i can't get to sleep yet.
there's so many things running through my head.
i'm doubting myself about things.
God, am i good enough?
will i ever be good enough?
God, tell me what to do.
tell me what to think.
tell me what to feel.
tell me what to say.
tell me what to believe in...
Saturday, October 11, 2008
最近，好忙。忙到我自己都不知道今天是哪天。好像我們跨入了2008年的第10個月了。每天從早忙到晚，不定時吃飯，不睡覺，變成了習慣。這樣的日子雖然好充實，但還是少了什麼。說不上去那種感覺到底是怎麼樣的心情。我希望，早點找到我缺乏的東西。有時候，我好像找到了它，卻在一殺哪之間握不盡，它就溜走了。
這到底是甚麼呢？
i guess only time will tell. :)
won't be blogging much the next month or two i guess.
i've got tons of projects, assignments and other things to do.
love you all.
<3
see you soon.
45days to Sem1 Final Exams.
