if i could measure the way things have all gone wrong, it would probably be at about 98% right now and i'm on the verge of letting go, giving up and having a major breakdown. but i know i cannot because there are people who look up to me, people whom i have to lead by example to. why does it always end up this way? my patience is running low. my motivation and morale is not getting up either because of everything that has happened.

anyone who know me knows that i love the PVC project to bits because it's taught me so much. but, it's also taught me how much people take me for granted - and there's always a limit to everything and in this case, i've gone over that limit by at least triple of what i normally can cope with. but no one seems to appreciate it. and in the end, i think that i'm just letting it go. i'm glad that this journey is coming to an end, and i feel that no matter what people think about me right now, i can safely say that i've already given my 500%, given up so many other opportunities that it has no longer become a win-win situation. i've learnt alot, but i've also lost a lot, in fact, i've lost too much.

the other day, i suddenly realize why i love clubbing so much. i used to think that it was about the attention that i get when i'm out there in the club. then i used to think that it was because of the way i could get drunk and forget about everything else in the world. but now i realize that it's not both. the club is a form of escape. an escape from the world where i am the eldest, where i am the responsible and dependable and strong. because when i club, i step into a world where everything is just so fickle and frivolous. i don't have to be strong, i don't have to be responsible, i can just be me and have fun - even if just for that few hours.

but i realized that the strong front i put up day to day has got everyone believing that i'm really that strong. please. i'm independent, but that doesn't mean that i don't want someone to hold me when i cry, to assure me when everything is going wrong. no one in my life has ever done that for me because they all think that i don't need them. i'm tempted to type a long string of expletives here, but it wouldn't be right to desecrate my blog as such. argh. this is not narcissism - i was on the bus just now and i realized how much i have not been taking care of myself, physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally. i keep giving and giving and giving even more - time, effort, energy, money, but i fail to look after the legs that i need to dance with, i fail to strengthen my spiritual life, i fail to let out all the bottled emotions.

ohgosh. i could lament about everything for the next few million hours. but i won't because there's just so many things that other just don't need to know right now. yes, this is my attitude towards life. if you have a problem, just come to me and i will listen to you. but if i have a problem, i shut the world away from my problems and just take on even more things while i silently try to solve these problems.

why do you do that? you may ask. because i've seen enough of how much the human heart can take. maybe it's because when i was down and out a few years ago, no one could understand my feelings. "don't cry" they said, "he's not worth crying for". sure, i agree that the tears weren't worth it for him, but why couldn't you just let me cry? it might not have been for him. i realize that i was actually taking that opportunity to let out every single tear that i wanted to for the last probably 17 years of my life.

i know people envy me. they envy the family that i have, they envy the friends that i have, they envy the material possessions that surround me. but don't they know that this is all a front to cover my frail self? i use what i have to make me a more confident person. i take up more responsibilities to make myself a more useful person. that's because i want to change for the better, i want to be more positive. but people don't know the truth.

i want to be strong, but at the same time weak. how does one strike such a balance? i'm always there for people, but when i'm falling, who's there to catch me?

i don't have any answers. and i don't want any answers right now.

a bit of sudden emo-ness/ do forgive the post. and if you don't like it, you can choose not to read it or just leave. there's a link on the side to leave this blog. :)

was watching my friend, vk's dance performance dvd and came across this particular dance that was somewhat disturbing, but at the same time, the lyrics of the song just hit some heartstrings in me. because, i'm not bulletproof - and even though you don't see it, just like you, i too will cry and feel the pain of many things, but i just don't show them because they are a sign of weakness to certain people, and i don't show weakness unless i know i can trust you.

the last two to three weeks, i suddenly realize how fragile i am. yeah, i haven't blogged about these because so many things have been happening to the people around me and i'm just so overwhelmed helping here and there and everywhere else that i tell myself "quelyn, there's no time for you to think about yourself and these feelings right now" - because i have to be strong for others. because i have to protect others. because i have to be there for them. because i have to show that i really want certain things to be happening.

but people still ignore me and take my presence for granted, as if i am supposed to be there, as if it's a duty for me to be there. but they don't know the pain that i struggle with. right, it's still partly my fault because i don't say it out loud. but it has become a kind of habit for me to keep on protecting others and ignoring myself - not exactly the wisest decision that i have made in my entire life.

and recently, i let someone who left come back into my life. although i've allowed it, i'm still somewhat apprehensive about it. it's not that i don't want this friendship or anything of that sort, but there are just some hurts that a "sorry" doesn't always cure. of course i've accepted it, but you still have a lot to prove to me - i hope you're reading this blog because if you aren't, these are things that i won't speak to you about because i know that we'll have an argument about it and we'll be back to square one. honestly, exactly will never be exactly, and it's a word that i never use to speak about the past and future. you once told me to never say "forever", i'm telling you never to say "exactly".

even if it hurts you, i'd rather be honest and say that there's still a part of me that doubts you because of the way you left. it still haunts me that you could have done something i would consider heartless - according to my standards of friendship. but you probably thought that it was right, and i will never understand your kind of mentality. and i will again be honest and say that in my mind, i've got some really negative impressions of you, formed because of what you did, and you have to prove to me that those impressions are wrong.



yes, i am strong on the outside because i know that i have to be. because i want to be the friend that is there for you in your dire times of need. because i want to be the friend who will always be there to lend you a shoulder when you cry, a listening ear when you are troubled, a place of rest and solace where you know you can get drunk and i'll always be there to make sure you make it back safely.

but i too have feelings, i'm not bulletproof.

the last weekend was a very long and tiring one, for various reasons that are unable to be explicitly said on this public space. but at the same time, it was fun and fulfilling as well because there were friends and of course, my level6 guys - i saw four of them, really happy that it happened! :) and of course, I GOT ADDICTED TO ROCK BAND @ elbey's. hahas. seriously, singing and bass = WOOTS! can we have more rock band sessions.

but i think the most fulfilling thing is not only did i complete my PVC goal, but also i broke through my own mind issues on running and i did almost 7-8km before stopping. but well, the aftereffects are quite bad because, i forgot to take care of my ankle, again. not on purpose though. i did slow down when it started getting painful, but i just didn't stop running. i didn't want to give up. not like my last marathon where i started walking at 1km - can you believe that? LOLS. but from 1km to 8km, it's a feat for me and it's really inspiring me to go even further and faster. :D

but don't look at me as if i'm always so strong. i have my own down moments too, but i just have no one to share them with (i lost my confidante a few months ago) and i keep them to myself. so everyone thinks i'm strong and always without any qualms on life. but i guess, that's the image i portray. but at the end of the day, i'm definitely going to get a man who is going to be protective of me. :)

but for now, when i cry, who will wipe my tears away?

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I'm back in hall again and currently blogging from the very happening phone that I have. :) back in hall for camp and it kinda feels like I'm back "home" cause there's just so much that these walls hold. the memories that lie in the corners, memories of forgotten people, of short friendships, of lasting friends that just seem to go on and on. :) but mostly, it's also of the quiet times that I have studying in my room, lazing at the rooftop and watching the stars. I think I'll really miss this place in year 3&4 because I won't be staying here then. it seems like such a faraway thing to think about, but from my experience, when you're having fun and doing things that you like, the year passes like a flash of lightning.

especially when you're staying in hall, it like a secluded island because you are self-sufficient on this campus island and it's so soothing that you don't really feel like going home. the peace, quiet and privacy that you enjoy is bound by these very walls you stay in. and when you feel like you're somewhat cut off from the world, you just feel at ease with re current status quo and forget about everything else.

if anything, hall will be something that I'll be missing for the next few months until I really move back in august.

hello peeps! it's a nice sunny day today! :) albeit a little too sunny for my liking. it's the end of the second week of holidays and as usual, i'm still procrastinating the packing of my room - unfortunately. but it's progressing. so i thought i'd make a little list of to-dos so that i'll really do them. after blogging i'm going to reformat my iTouch and i'm going to sell it. sighs. it's first generation, so i don't expect to earn much from it, but hopefully i get a good price - i'm going to cash converters. been watching "it started with a kiss" and "they kiss again" (a taiwanese drama) for the past few days and i'm really thinking about quite a few things. but basically, i guess i just need some space for now.



right. there's the list of things to do. sighs. i have a race this sunday and i haven't really gotten anything done yet. sadly. so i think my race timing will probably be like 3hrs! but i pray not. some cute guy will be there on sunday. hahas. and i seriously need a job because the holidays are really killing my pocket. totally. there's just so many catch up sessions and outings that i'm already at my wits end as to what's important and what's not because everything seems so important!

going out in a while to cash converters. bye iTouch. sighs. but it's for a good cause - i need to get money for my building fund, so it's technically to fulfill my promise. hopefully, i'll be able to fulfill it, even though there's only one week left and i have no money and no job etc. etc.

and i can't wait for tonight! :) gotham penthouse party with 4 of my level6 guys who are coming down. plus elbey and the other guys. whee. :) it's going to be really exciting. and then there's tomorrow with cellgroup and then 29TH'S 3RD BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION!!! hahas. i can't believe we're already three years together. 29thSC, I LOVE YOU!

okkk. going out already. BYE!!

it's just less than 10more days to the middle of the year, and before all my camps start rolling in, i just had to change my blog skin and also wanted to share my first half of the year with everyone who reads this blog, and hopefully, you'll be blessed because i know, i have been. :) there's so many things to share, and i don't really know where to begin, but here goes!

#1: i remember that when i started the year, i had a new year resolution whereby i wanted to love other people more than myself. and i think that the resolution spurted out from this revelation of my self-centeredness and of course, from a revelation from the bible - love your neighbours as you love yourself. i first took up the challenge of project vibrant colours because it actually forced me to go and think of other people and serve others as well. and i think that this resolution is something that was very worthwhile, because the journey that i took to where i am today was a very fulfilling one. i wouldn't say that i love unconditionally now, or am totally not self-centered anymore, but i know that i'm on my way there. :)

#2: PROJECT VIBRANT COLOURS! personally, i don't think i have been a very good mentor because i've been busy busy-ing with so many other things that i feel that most of the work on OneFive has been done by Yvon. but, it was still worthwhile embarking on this project because i know that i have grown to see myself in a different light. i'm also seeing many of my own personal strengths and weaknesses that i can cultivate and change. and even thought the project is coming to an end (finale is on the 31st of may!), i am still learning alot about myself and the people around me. if i could turn back time and go through the journey again, i wouldn't do it any differently because i wouldn't have learnt as much. i'm also thankful for the groups of people that have walked into my life, and i hope that they do not walk out anytime soon because you'll are all wonderful people! :)

#3: Sheares Hall! :) is definitely an enriching experience because i really learnt a lot about leadership, relationships with people and living in a communal setting, as well as living independently. having to take care of your own room, laundry, meals and basically, yourself, was a very different experience because if you know me, you'll know that i'm very pampered and very used to people taking care of me - and in fact, i still like people taking care of me. but it was fun in a way because i made so many friends and had so many fun times, especially with my oft mentioned level6 boys. from SECC to Rag and then to Block Comm, the journey has been a really fun and enjoyable one. i'm also very proud of my BEP! :)) hahas. looking forward to another academic year in Sheares!

#4: GOD. :) i think that throughout this half a year, one thing that i really gained back was not religion, but my relationship with God. it took a long time and honestly, it's probably only the last three weeks where i really started going into the flow again. it was a really long and painful journey because following the ways of God and living in the lifestyle is not easy. in fact, it involved a lot of sacrifice and giving up things that i either treasured or couldn't let go for a very long while. i wouldn't say that i'm very holy - i'm still very much in the world if you realize. but whenever i'm in the world, i make sure that i'm not of the world. i changed a lot of habits and toned down a lot on my behaviour because i want to be someone that God will be proud of - Daddy's Little Princess is back on track and ready to take the world by storm! lols. :D thank you God, and Brother Joe and everyone else, for not giving up on me.

hmm. that's all for now. it's 11.26pm and i want to head to bed cause tomorrow is going to be a long day. i'll see you soon dears! :)

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monday and tuesday passed by quite fast with nothing much going on except spending time at home packing the room or reading at starbucks/coffee bean/gloria jean, as well as spending sometime with the family. wednesday was a little more exciting because i went ladies night-ing at phuture/attica/arena. and i think it's going to be my last ladies night for the next month because i'm going to be busy with camps and other things. lols.

thursday, which is technically "today" was spent quite well too. slept till about 10plus, or was it 12plus, i can't really remember. but i went out to meet QiaoQiao @ tcc and we htht-ed until 5plus before i had to run off to meet bella, xinying and cherylkang for dinner. met at 5.45pm, city hall mrt station and made our way to timbre @ the substation. as you know, putting 4girls togehter = disaster when it comes to looking for directions. so, i took out my very reliable iPhone! hahas. and because it uses a GPS tracking system, there was a blue dot that "followed" us on the the map as we moved. and our very hyper cherylkang was extremely excited about it and she ran on the roads of city hall just to make the blue dot move faster! hahas. but we had a really good time at timbre. however, it's time to fall asleep now because i need to sleep as much as i can before race day. hahas.

NIGHTS!!!

it's ONE MONTH AND THREE WEEKS PLUS ONE DAY to my 20th, and i honestly tell you, i have absolutely no idea what i want to do for it because i foresee myself dancing away. sighs. can i get a day off from dance? :P and guess what, i might be spending my 21st birthday in the USA!! because i'm intending to apply for that work and travel program. hahas - so many plans, i know why my bbff complains that i have too many things to do. but too bad, that's the way i live my life, i don't waste time taking things slow because there's just so much to explore and experience. :)

right, now if only i could remember why i opened this page to blog.

OH! yes - it's because i was at tampines the other day after church and i went there to meet my daddy (whom i haven't seen for about a year) and on the way, i saw this fun fair by uncle ringo and it brought back so many wonderful memories of when i was younger. :) and i couldn't help it but write a short little poem - ah, i miss writing them. after coming to university, life's just been blazing pass me and i've been having so much fun, i haven't been able to just quietly sit down and write. so here's the little poem. simple and contains the memories that i feel are the most important to me. :)

ferris wheels and carousals
pirate ships and water balls
memories of childhood past
reminisce of good times passed

going out for the night.
can't wait for dinner with the girls on thursday
can't wait for friday's party at gotham penthouse
can't wait for 29th's birthday on saturday
and can't wait for sunday's marathon & JUMP!

the perfect imperfect man. :)

just some little ranting updates before i start on my post proper. spent today quite well i would say, met up with xinyi at raffles city to talk about some blockhead stuff. :) if you remembered, I'M GOING TO BE BLOCKHEAD NEXT YEAR. lols. and i'm actually super excited to take the challenge up, even though i know it's not going to be easy. anyways, talked with her for about an hour about some block stuff and much. after that, read a bit of "carnage and culture" - the book on military history that's currently my leisure read. hahas. thanks to terence for lending me the book. :) then met up with my mum and got a hair cut instead. lols. haven't had it cut for almost more than a year already. but now it's shorter. i think it's pretty, but i'm not really used to it yet. all in all, i think i had a fulfilling monday. :)

now, back to the post proper! the "perfect imperfect man" - some thing that joyjoy and i brought up while we were in the cab on the way back to bishan on like monday morning after fellowship. hahas. i've been single for a long long time, and i intend to be until the right one comes along. currently, i would say that there are a lot of good "candidates" around me because the people i've been meeting in school and through friends have really been quite good catches. but they always fail in one aspect - they're rarely christians. and those christians around me, well, let's just say that so far, only one person has passed most of my criteria, but he's not looking yet. wonder where all the good guys have gone? - either they're already taken or are not christian. >.<

but, i believe that even if that one person i know does not like me at the end of the day, there will always be that perfect imperfect man out there for me. someone who will support my (however unrealistic it may seem now) dreams and be the one to pray and encourage me everyday for the rest of our lives, someone whose dream i can support as well from which ever position i am in when i step up into my destiny. like all other girls, i do have my fantasies of what kind of guy i would like. but recently as i've been reading the bible more, it seems that the list of "must-haves" are increasing by the day because i keep having revelations of what a good, godly guy should be like and, the more i read, the more i want that kind of guy.

of course, i'm not wanting a god to be my husband, nor do i want a pastor-to-be as my husband-to-be. but i believe that even if this man is not god, nor a pastor, he will still live up to my expectations of a man. afterall, we are under a really strong pastor who advocates that guys are "male by birth, man by choice". :) and that's something i strongly believe in. until a guy proves to me that he's worthy of being called a man, i always call them "boy". hahas.

but i guess the standards have not really been set yet because these guys around me are just learning to be men. as for me and my standards, i would still say that there's still that one person whom to me is a man already, but let's not get our hopes up too high. :P and i know that more men will be coming my way. i'm just 20 this year, and i'm not in any rush to get married and what not cause i'm enjoying the sweetness of singlehood. :) whee. plus, i just started out on my journey with God anew and just had my first breakthrough. i'm not willing to give up my God for a relationship at this point of time unless i feel that the person is really really worth it.

the other day i was sitting next to you and realized that you've really changed so much. because sitting next to you, i finally feel that you've become a man. :) that moment, my heart skipped a beat. but i realized that we're both not ready and that i'm not good enough for you yet because in my current state, i cannot support whatever dreams you have.

adios dear readers! :)

another fulfilling week passed by! :) i think this blog will probably be updated on a weekly basis until further notice, but once a week is a good number i think because this holidays is going to be busy busy! something i've been bother about (and have blogged about countless of times) is finally settled, for good. i had a great week behind me, and learnt a few painful lessons in the process i guess, about not only myself, my spiritual life but also about just life and how i should be living it the way i should be. i'm not really those "holier than thou" kind of people - if you know me, you'll know how true that is, but along the way, you do learn lessons about how to live a better life.

i need to say this totally loudly - I'M FINALLY BACK HOME!! :)) although i am quite sad that i'm no longer living in hall, i think home is still the most comfy place where i can be in. nothing beats the feeling of home, even though it's mostly empty (as in devoid of human presence). and i moved everything from hall back home in 40bags. woots. :) so next year when i move back into hall, i will be able to start afresh, away from that room of old memories that i am still deciding upon. next year, i'll be back with a vengeance because there will be huger responsibilities placed on my shoulders, not just in hall, but also in my walk with God because i'm joining a ministry! :D starting out with something a little easier, Attributes. quite excited to start serving even though i don't know when i'll start, but it's definitely a breakthrough in my walk with God.

monday was spent at home, packing and packing. plus, i went for a job interview, but i don't think i'll get the job because i have a feeling the interviewers thought that i was not hardy enough for the job. :(( so far, finding one has not been really successful because i've sent out at least a hundred applications to different companies, but i only had one reply so far. but i think that day was well spent because after the interview, i decided to take a bus down to velocity @ novena to meet my mum for dinner. i had about an hour and a half to kill, so i checked out the shopping center. even though it's been there for like about close to two years, i haven't really gone to see that place. lols. had a great dinner with my mummy on the official first day back home.

tuesday was spent lazing away and packing. i miss the feeling of lazing at home, but i don't miss it alot, as contradictory as it may seem. and it kind of makes me have this happy little feeling because there's these spare hours for myself where i can just laze away with a drama playing on the television and most of the time, i end up sleeping! hahas. gave my wardrobes a new look by repacking them, and today is sunday, but it's not done yet because i realize that i don't have enough space for all the clothes. not that i'm still complaining that i don't have clothes, but, they are a woman's way of expressing herself. :)

wednesday was spent, still packing, but with an extra night activity - LADIES NIGHT! finally, after so long. the last time i went clubbing was way back in february, but it took a backseat to studies and stuff. went with QiaoQiao and her friend Jean, and unexpectedly met my BEEK! :D Phutured, Arenaed, Atticaed. saw a cute bartender at Attica, but his service was real slow because there were so many people at the bar!

thursday was mostly used to catch up with sleep and some more additional packing (40bags is really no joke). took some time off the schedule to have BS and fellowship with OMC and geraldine. and then off to ButterFactory! haven't been to butterfac since it opened its doors at onefullerton, so it was quite an experience and i felt like a novice there. but i think the music was really good! went with QiaoQiao, Jean, and the new addition, WINSON! :) unexpectedly met elbert and paul, along with their friends nan and alvin. and i had one rocking time partying the night away.

friday passed really quickly, but had a great time with my family. mum took leave and we went out for lunch. then went shopping! :) i got a new pink drum bag and pink sports bra for my upcoming marathon season! my reason for getting that pink drum bag was that it would be easier to find it, especially at the bag deposit. :P and then we went to buy stuff at the supermarket and we cooked dinner together! fried wanton and udon with meatballs, mushroom and bamboo shoot soup. whoo. it was a really great time!

saturday and sunday really melted together because i haven't slept since i woke up on saturday morning (it's currently 4.30am, sunday morning). woke at about 10am and caught some television (digimon and something else that the brother was watching. lols.) before heading off to cellgroup at brother joe's house. bought a whole box of robitussin (however that's spelt) because i've been having this really bad throat thingy going on since friday, and it's getting slightly better, but it's still painful, especially in the ear when i swallow my saliva. RAR! cellgroup was awesomest because of the message and then after that, N415 had a BBQ! didn't eat much cause i couldn't swallow anything proper. played some games too and we lingered at the place will 11pm where we got chased away by the guards. :P after that, headed off to more fellowship at somerset with karen, lester and clarence. met with JOYJOY!! :D SANTY! VINCENT! hahas. exclamation marks are the new commas, as well as Judy, Aaron and Keith. :)) woohooo. sent santy home and cabbed home with joyjoy clarence and aaron.

and now that i'm home, i don't think i'm going to fall asleep because i won't wake up in time! lols. but rather, i pondered on a question that has been bothering me somewhat the last few days. i'm not afraid to blog it because i consider it a passed phase of my life, never to be resurrected again. and also because i feel that there are other people out there who should know about this too, because it may just help them get through a tough period of their life. :) i used to change boyfriends as fast as i changed my clothes - they were relationships that mostly revolved around movies, dinners and random walks around the city, and i ended most of them really fast because they were not really what i wanted, because i got bored, or simply because they didn't live up to my standards. but one day, i questioned myself, why do i do this? and i realized that it all came down to one person whom i met three years ago - and every guy who came around just didn't match up to him.

so, i decided to confront that person straight up, and when i did in all truth and honesty, i guess he wasn't man enough to take the truth and he started pushing the blame on me. i guess that the blame game is something that none of us, as Man, can ever play fairly because we will mostly think that we are the party who is right and that the other party should be at fault. i don't blame him for doing such a thing, but through that process, that person really hurt whatever feelings of love and friendship that i had for him. it just totally killed because when friends are honest, it means they care about you and about your relationship with them. but my words of truth were seen as words that were meant to hurt, words that were meant to blame, and words that "sound nothing like a friend". then in that case, i'm sorry, no matter how much i treasure and value that friendship, i see that you don't treasure nor value it as much as i do because you simply cannot take the truth.

and i learnt that if we were really friends, he would want to clear any misunderstandings i had of him and his friendship. but when a person doesn't even bother to make things clear to evoke a change in the status quo, then he simply just doesn't care enough to want the friendship to work.

i also learnt that people can say things and promise you wonders, but sometimes they just can't keep it. he said "i want to be your friend", and "i want things to go back to normal", but he cut me off from his FB list, his MSN list and every other way that we could keep in contact - and i honestly don't understand how that shows me that he wanted to be friends nor did i see how that would help in bringing things back to normal. even if we did go over our heads, i don't think that such extremes needed to be taken because it just shows how much you really want to keep the friendship - or maybe, that's just my definition of friendship where if i want to be friends with a person, i keep all channels of communication wide open, not close them. maybe that's how you treat your friends, but not me because my beliefs are different. he probably just needs to learn the art of communication - something that he doesn't want to do.

i would say that i will not keep this friendship, not because i don't want him as a friend, but because i feel that it's really not worth me putting so much more time and effort than he is to maintain the relationship. i feel that it's not worth to sacrifice more than i have to someone who doesn't value what i am giving to the friendship. everything that i've said, everything that i've done has been taken for granted. three years and one line "i've dropped everything because we've both gone over our heads" to seal the deal on why he cut all contact. and his condition for getting this friendship back - that everything go back to EXACTLY how it was before., which is impossible because nothing on this earth, once changed, can ever go back to what it was within one process. in fact, nothing can ever go back to its original state because that's just how God made everything to be, if something changes, it grows and matures to become something else and can never go back to its origins.

and i will honestly say that i'm very proud that i made this decision because it's one of the wisest that i have ever made in my whole life. i used to think that i loved a person who loved me for who i am, but i realized that i was loving a person who wanted someone who didn't have a personality. i'm sorry dear, but that's what i'm seeing because you never really loved me for who i am, but rather you loved me for who i could become under you shaping.

to him whom it may concern:
so, all in all, i consider this problematic issue a close by saying that, it's not that i don't want your friendship, but i don't think it's really worth it anymore because it would just be too much for the both of us. i really love your company and you really are already like family to me. but if getting the friendship back makes you force yourself to do things that you don't want to, i'd rather we don't have the friendship so that you won't be in so much pain doing what you don't like doing. another reason why i don't feel it's worth it anymore is because i feel that you don't listen nor see before you judge. i'm not blaming you for everything and yet you make it seem as if i'm trying to make you take all the blame. i've said before that neither of us are at fault because it was just our different belief systems that clashed, but you insist that you want to take all the blame if i want you to - you simply don't listen. you keep judging me on what you remembered from three years ago - you simply don't see with your eyes, and your heart. the only way we can ever be friends again is if we start all over again. not as strangers, but at a status quo where we will both open our eyes and ears to see and hear with our senses and our hearts as well, if not, i think that there's nothing much to talk about.

aside: i was really tempted to go to either extremes, total acceptance of his "offer" or total rejection of it. but i decided to come up with a third option, the middle ground where we are still friends, but we start from somewhere else, as new friends - because i think that by restarting the friendship on a blank new page is just what we need because there have been so many misunderstanding that are not cleared, so might as well forget and forgive and start afresh. but if you cannot accept this idea, then i'm really sorry because there is NO FREAKIN WAY ANYTHING CAN GO BACK TO EXACTLY AS IT WAS.

another week flown by, like one (week) flew over the cuckoo's nest - lame, i know. it's 11.20pm and i'm waiting in my room in hall for a drinking session with my level6 boys (and someone down there complains that i address all of them as "boys" even though ALL of them are older than me by at least two years or more). but yeah, i'll definitely miss them, especially the seniors who won't be back next annual year. :( LEVEL6, QUELYN MISSES YOU LOADS ALREADY. went down for a round just now and most of them are gone already, gone back home, gone to redang. tomorrow my japanese boy will be leaving at night - i don't know if i can send him off, hopefully. junghai will also be leaving tomorrow night. i think sunday nights are for leaving. HAHAS.

tomorrow, i'm saying goodbye to Sheares Hall and E702 for the holidays. and when i move in next semester, it'll be a different room, a different bed, and a brand new start - because i'm blockhead next year, yes, taking care of 108 eekers will be my job. and, it will also mark my last year as a shearite because i'm not intending to stay in hall when i'm in year3. i think that two years in hall is enough and after that, i want to really focus on church, and of course, my destiny and dreams that i have been aspiring to achieve the last few years. but all the more, knowing that it's my last year in hall, i will really give it my best and take care of blockE. :)) i'm humbled and honored to take the position of blockhead, and it's not going to be an easy journey, i know - but i'm willing to lead.

though, i will be back in hall during the holidays - for SECC as a councillor and Rag as a dancer. :) and as the end of the semester comes to a close, i think now is a good time to blog about my first year in sheares. the first time i blogged in this room was the 16th of june 2008, and the room only had one bag and one blanket that acted as my bedsheet, one stuffed bear that acted as my pillow. today, the 9th of may 2009, the room is full of bags, 33 of them in total, housing my whole first year in sheares - from my clothes, to the memories i've collected.

i really want to thank God for giving me a chance to live an independent life outside of home and for the many opportunities that has come my way. it's really like a chain reaction of events, starting from the NUS Open House where i got to know about Sheares Hall, which led to me signing up for SECC that made me really fall in love with Sheares. and because of that, i signed up for Rag as a dancer and it gave me a sense of ownership and belonging to this place that i've called Home for the last year. after Rag, i felt estranged from the block because i didn't attend SWOC and i decided that i should take a shot and run for Block Committee, and that really shot me to a different playing field cause from a literally nobody, i was taking care of the runnings of the block as well as a whole level of 18 boys. :) and it's the best thing that every happened - thank you God for the opportunity to do so.

outside my block, i was in the Convening Committee and the Cultural Management Board that settled my sports and culture requirements that i had set for myself to join (i didn't want to join too many similar CCAs, it'd be boring..) and i was in the marketing department for both committees. i was also in Sheares Enterprise, which i seriously think was quite screwed, but nevertheless, i had a part in it because i was the vice-chairperson - and it was really a learning experience about working with other people who are very different from me. and i thank God for all these opportunities because i learnt about my shortcomings and strengths as a leader in a different way and i honed some new skills in the process.

right, back to the post later, i'm gone drinking. :))

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back! well, all in all, i want to thank God for a really good first year in sheares hall. although i think i'm quite phantom-ish, i'm very glad that i have level6 - when i'm bored, i go down to make noise and disturb them. when i'm happy, i go down and still make even more noise and disturb them. when i've got nothing to do, i go down to disturb them and pond them. lols. and when i'm sad/emo, i always know that there's somewhere i can go to and just sit down and be surrounded by people so that i won't be alone. what i'll miss the most in the years to come is level6. next year, it'll be a different batch of people on level6, but it doesn't matter. cause you'll are special, all 21 of you. :))

looking back at the last academic year, i think i have been very blessed to be in the committees i was in, to have the neighbours that i had, to have the friends that i have. it wasn't all happy happy because there were a lot of ups and downs, but it was all a great learning process. and i thank God for it all. i thank the people who have came into my life, and i hope that you won't walk out. here's to all the friendships that we'll always have, no matter how far we are from each other.

goodbye, E702.
goodbye, level6.
goodbye, sheares hall.

wow. :) sure feels like a long time since i blogged. i used to do it every single day without fail, and even multiple times on somedays. but recently, i've really been super busy with not only studies and fundraisers, but also with spending more time with family and friends. i'm learning more about sacrifice and giving more of myself to other people. i admit that i still have a really super long way to go because there's so much more that can be learnt, and i'm just at the beginning of the journey.

today had service with a really powerful preacher. it's the first time that he's come to singapore, and to our church as well, but his message was just AWESOME. mind blowing. and for the first time in a long long long while, i finally saw the light again - and cried tears of repentance and joy. all this time, i've been stuck in "scamdalon" and haven't been able to come out of it because of one thing - i was unable to forgive myself for all the wrong decisions and actions that i have made. and it came to a point of time where, i really didn't know what to do but kill myself inside, every single day.

many of the things that i couldn't forgive myself about was with regards to that person. if you've read my older posts, you'll know that i've really done a lot of things for him and betrayed myself over and over again for the "love" that was never really appreciated by the other party. but that's over and i'm in the process of totally forgiving him. but to completely forgive him, i had to forgive myself. and today, i did. i walked out of that expo hall feeling lighter than my 59kg. HAHAS. :) it felt like a burden was lifted from my shoulders.

i know that from time to time, i will start blaming myself again. it's my nature, i know. but next time that feeling comes, i can tell myself - I AM FORGIVEN BY GOD & THEREFORE, I CAN FORGIVE MYSELF. :) oh, that power of knowing such a fact makes me feel that i can move on so much easier now. i may not be able to face many things and people at this moment of time, but i know that time heals all, and more importantly, God heals all.

he once told me there was one thing he envied about me - the fact that i had God. but at that point of time, i never really believed him because i myself couldn't believe in God. now, if he told me the same thing, my reply would be "yeah, you're totally right." with a wide smile because i can finally feel how true it is. life with God, is going to be awesomest!

oh, and i promised korie that after my exams, i'll send in a ministry application. :) yes, finally i'm ready to get into ministry again. the last time i was in ministry was a really long time ago. and i miss the days where i was leading the youth ministry as well as the worship team. do i want to go back to those days? yes. not because of the things that i was doing but because it is a joy to be giving to the congregation, to the church - aka, the people around you. i'm doing it outside the four walls of the church, so why not in the church as well.

but of course, there's a lot in the flesh that's holding me back, but, i know that i'll breakthrough. somehow, someway, someday. :P sooner than later of course. like i'll have to give up the little time that i have for myself on weekends. i'll probably have to give up some family time and stuff like that. but in the end, i know that it'll be worth it.

on a more emotional and personal note, it's been a few weeks, and i haven't seen the australian flag on my board for a while. sometimes, i'm relived, sometimes, i'm disappointed. and sometimes i just wonder, have i lost a friend? but time will take it course, and i know that the friendship will heal in time to come. and i'm not in a hurry to do anything because i feel that, we both need a break. i don't want to bring feelings that are not right into the friendship again because it'll just hurt the whole equation.

on a more informative note, it's been a busy week that just flew past. silently, we've entered the 5th month of the year(!) and it's almost the end of my first year in university. thursday night's night cycling was, well, fun because my team was great, but disappointing because, it wasn't exactly what my brother and i pictured it to be. but ohwell. the most important thing was that we had fun. friday was mingles night out again, but it was quite quiet because not many people turned up. in the end, i went to orchard to fellowship with santy, julius and korie. saturday was good with cellgroup and fellowship with sylvia and karen later on. today, a great church service, lunch and fellowship! :D