you don't have to call anymore, i won't pick up the phone.

i wish i would stop vomiting everything that i eat out into the toilet bowl. SIANS. because of this stupid cough i've been having, i've vomited yesterday and today's dinner out. and it really feels like crap because i want to keep my food down but it doesn't want to stay in the system. somebody, just kill me please. i need the nutrients to live!!

anyway, things between me and someone else, has gotten that bit better i think. and i'm quite happy. but still, it's not really like true happiness because i know that between us, it's still hanging. hard to say no cause i really want to at least keep the friendship because i truly am happy whenever i'm with him. many people don't understand why, and they always say that i deserve better. but, so what if i really do deserve better. being happy when i'm with him is probably all that counts. because it's easy to find someone better than him, but that person may not be able to make me happy.

oh. but whatever. sighs.

the most painful thing is when someone tells you "i love you.. but i'm not in love with you."

i know two guys in my life who will tell me that. one just broke my heart. the other doesn't know yet, but that line is something that he will say. and so very unfortunately for me, i always seem to be seeing the view of their backs, walking away from me. one, i see in hall almost everyday. the other, i don't see often, but when i do, it sort of hurts.

well, that's just life. i never get to love the people that i'm in love with. and, it fucking hurts.

take me away from here.

not going to be a long post. but everything that can go wrong, has gone wrong. anything that can be right, has also gone right. ARGH. i don't know what i should do for many things right now. things are piling up and i'm trying to take everything in stride and in a way where i am able to fulfill all my responsibilities. but somehow, things don't always go right.

also, i have to remember to stop thinking about things and be happy instead because i have to continue living MY life instead of someone else's.

be my guardian angel, and my personal bad boy devil .

school term has started and this time round, i'm really going to have to pull up all the socks that i have to make sure that i pass with flying colours this semester. :) not going to be an easy task considering what happened last sem, but ohwell. i guess as long as i work hard enough, i'll get through, pull through and hopefully continue this path in education that i'm taking. not easy, not short. but there's no elevator to success, we have to take the stairs.

preparing for a run that's happening at the end of this month. hopefully i'll improve my timing from last year! training schedule right now is quite slack because there's something happening at hall every night (actually, i think it's just me giving myself an excuse not to train. :P) but, from tomorrow onwards, it's all the way till the end of the month.

monday was a holiday, that i spent in hall - unfortunately. because the family was not free, it feels almost equivalent to not having any family. but, whatever. tuesday, had a great time with the freshies at dinner and then IBG Opening. Seniors Meeting was also on tuesday and i got "grilled" by them. i seriously think that i am up to the challenge to do what i have to do to take over. and i would appreciate if in the future, you criticize me in front of me so that i can either explain, or know where i went wrong and change. :) i'm open. as darren said, it's the culture that we want to bring back to blockE. you say what you think, and i'll say what i think. we don't hide shite from each other. wednesday was a little boring at first, Presidential Rally after dinner. and then off to ButterFac with the rag dancers, even though i had a ball of a time with all the other friends that i met. f- high that night. seriously, the amount of different alcohols that i drank that night ranged from beer to martell. the usual suspects came around again that night. made even more new friends. :) thursday night, had a great dinner with the block! love the line at the table so long, and so in line with my vision for the block. unfortunately, many seniors were missing, or else, we'd have a super long line at the table already! then initiation which i cannot say much about, but WELCOME TO THE FAMILY EEKERS.

recently found someone who can be my guardian angel and bad boy devil all at the same time. unfortunately, he likes someone else. but i guess, i'm happy where i am right now and i don't want to spoil what i have. be my guardian angel when i'm down and my devil when it's time to have fun. :) at least he's more constant than some other people in my life. complicated shite, my life. but i'm having fun with it.

doesn't matter how, who, when, or why, i just want to have all the fun in the world
right here, right now.

where i want to be, where i belong.

please, don't take that statement as a show of patriotism. if anyone really knows quelyn, you'll know that i'm one of the least patriotic people. yes, i like, and sometimes even love, this island city. but i'm not one who is a fan of singing those songs that they come up with every year.

where i want to be, and where i belong is Sheares Hall. saturday was a day where we lost first place, but didn't lose our dream. of course everyone was sad that we lost to another hall, but we know that we did our best. we kept our dream alive, and we walked into the performance area with no regrets. :)

the school term is dawning and posts here are going to dwindle. catch some posts on facebook instead. this blog will be for more personal more bitchy stuff that goes on in my life. so check the PG-rated ones on FB.

ciao. i'm nua-ing in bed till 12nn before i go to school.

when we go down into eternity, remember me.

it's less than 32hrs to performance time. and that number will just keep dwindling to a smaller number, until it's just minutes and seconds left on the clock. the sacrifices i've made for that 5minutes have repercussions that might last me a lifetime, but i feel that it's all worth it. because in my whole life, i've never felt so strongly for something as i've felt for rag. for the first time, i sense that i'm really part of something more. an experience that money cannot replace. because it's the time spent that matters.

this year, as the previous year, i'm not very close to the dancers. i'm never really close to anyone, and no one can really second guess my actions or what i'm thinking. i've said, i'm a whirlwind personified. but through this period of time, i've made new friends that i know that i will keep dear to my heart. i've had experiences that i know will last me a lifetime. and this year, there's an added determination to win what we have lost.

yesterday, i missed practice for the first time since i started dancing. because i was sick. and i finished a whole freaking box of panadol just in that few hours. i probably overdosed, but it made me feel better, just enough to get back to practice. that's how seriously i take rag practice. i'm not the best dancer around, i know. but as long as i have another breath left in me, i'm giving it to rag.

after rag, it's going to take a long time for my body to recuperate. but it's the price i'm paying. and it doesn't matter. people sacrificed their freedom, sleep and social life. so sacrificing my health shouldn't be a big thing. or at least it isn't to me. as long as we win rag. as long as sheares hall goes down in history with this rag, i'm more than satisfied.

i can't sleep. the excitement in me keeps the adrenaline running. i guess there are other things on my mind as well, but i'm lucky that i've had rag to walk that horrendous journey with me. to me, doing rag was a win-win situation because it kept my mind off many negative things even if only temporary.

my mind is not working now, so it's just verbal vomit coming out from whatever my brain is processing now. but i know that i know that i believe we're going to win. we've already won on our side because we've given it our all. all we need is that affirmation on that day itself.

31.5hrs more to eternity.

maybe it's time to let everything go already.

two more days before rag dawns on us. technically less than 72 hours before performance if we count the hours from now. and it's two more days till eternity. two more days till sheares hall makes history once again. this is a year of many firsts for sheares hall and it's going to continue that way.

and the same should go for my life i guess. making it really a year of many firsts. i, i wonder if it's really possible.

if i really had to let go of everything,
what would become of me?
what would be left of me?
i don't really know.

but it's time to let go, let go of everything that has been holding me back and then shining even more brightly than the brightest star in the universe, or at least i hope so. and maybe it's time to take the first step to start somethings going, or at least, get an answer to whatever has been bothering me.

maybe that day will be today?
maybe it'll be tomorrow?
or maybe even half a year from now.

but that's secondary right now, because the first thing that i'm thinking about is rag. and with rag,it's two days till eternity.

| afternoon rains |

the more i force myself to be a playgirl,
the more i know how afraid i am of getting into a real relationship.

i play. i make myself sound like a full-fledged player. but that's something that i haven't done in quite a while already. haven't been playing with minds for a few months already, or at least it feel like it. and that's because i've been busy with rag dance. but now that there's a boy somewhere in my life, i make myself sound like i don't care, like i don't really want this relationship. but myself more than anything else knows how much the heart yearns for stability.

but on the other hand, i don't know what the boy feels or thinks. because he's so much of a mystery. as much as i am to him. we both are standing on the edge of the line between black and white. there's that thin grey area that we're balancing on, i think. because we both don't know what each other is thinking.

or maybe because i read too much into what he says and what he does.

i've built this glass prison around me. this prison, is so easy to break. so easy to shatter. but not without me getting hurt. sometimes i feel that i choose to imprison myself because i'd rather lose this freedom than get hurt again. this glass prison keeps me from seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. but do i really care about what's at the end of the tunnel? idk.

all i know is, i don't want to get hurt.

it's like playing with fire
and hoping that you don't get burnt.
it's like jumping into the ocean
and believing that you won't drown.
it's like putting your head under the guillotine
and thinking that the blade won't drop.

but that's not reality.
i don't know what is real anymore.


| morning ramblings |

i dreamt a dream of you . . . and me.

the rain is threatening to fall outside my window
what about the tears behind my eyes?

they say that sometimes we dream what the subconscious mind thinks, and i think i finally know what i've been thinking all along. i dreamt that i got to close to some other guys and he got jealous, and showed his true feelings. but in reality, this is not so. we get along well, but that doesn't mean that he really loves me. there's so many uncertainties and sometimes, it's just not meant to be certain ways.

was telling lynette the other day that i realized that i have a pattern when it comes to boys, boyfs and flings. they never last long, i'm never serious and there's always the element of more fun than feel. deep inside, i want to settle, but i'm afraid of settling. maybe because of my past relationships. maybe because of the way i saw my parents end. maybe because the guys that i'm with never want anything more than the physical. maybe because i just haven't met the right one.

but right now, even if we don't get together,
i hope that he'll be the right one for me
at this current point of time.

and i'll never know what i really want
cause all i want is you .

the night wind's blowing into my 7th floor room and the breeze just caresses my cheeks. how i wish that it was your rough hands instead. i'm sitting on the bed, typing on the computer. how i wish you could be next to me. somehow, it seems like the more i wish for things, the further it gets from me. like i wished for you, but you're a hundred miles away from me even though you stand right in front of me, looking me in the eye.

i can never comprehend how i could ever like a guy like you, totally, not the type that i would expect myself to be going out with. boys your type are usually for playing and dumping in about a week's time. but you've stayed longer than that, and i'm starting to expect more out of what we have right now. it's not just about the time spent together, but the constant random bantering that we have. and the little tricks that i like to play on you.

i loved the way you barged into my room unexpectedly that day. :)

and if your realize, i don't dare look into your eyes because i'm afraid of what i might find. because i'm afraid that i'll fall for those dark soulful eyes of yours. and therein lies the irony. i don't know what i really want. is what we have now really enough to satisfy me? i've been psychoing myself that this is the right path to walk, treasuring the now and not expecting more. but i myself know that i will expect more than this.

but for now, i force myself not to think.

because youth is already too short for us to fully enjoy, so why waste time thinking and racking your brains on something so mindless. all i need to know is you are all i want for now. just you and you alone. i don't exactly know what i need, but i just know that I WANT YOU. but just as you are free to do anything you want, i am free too, to do anything that i want.

remember boy, it's a want, not a need.

i fall faster every time i see your face.
cause it's just you and me.

it's today already and i'm supposed to be awake in less than 5hrs time because the whole of NUS is going for flag. but i still have to blog before i sleep or else i won't be able to sleeep. i think it's become a habit that once i come into hall, my nights are for spending and my days for sleeping. the body clock just automatically screws itself. it helps that i don't have acclimate to the place again, but it's bad because i have to make sure that i don't start skipping lessons and stuff like that.

times seems to pass so fast. it's already august of the year and it's more than half a year gone. i don't know how i've been spending the months that have gone by, but i do know that i've changed a lot in the past 7mths. changed habits, hobbies, boys, majors, CCAs. so many things that i myself can't really keep up. my friends can't keep up with my life either cause i'm like a little whirlwind. ohwelll.

the moon seems quite full tonight. but you're so far away, like half the world away. i wonder if you will be looking at the same moon as i am looking at right now. hahas. yeah. seems like even though he's not by my side all the time, just looking through photos make me fall even fast.

but the worst part is, i don't know what i want anymore. sighs.
whatever. i guess i'm not going to think about it for now. i'm going to sleeeep! :D

being with you is dangerous, it's like living with a timebomb .

another early morning post. 9.16am where i am right now and it seems that sleep doesn't really like me because i've been trying to get as much sleep as possible, but i always end up waking up quite early and having to force myself to go back to sleep. today's different because i've got dance at 10am, so there's no way that i'm going to go back to sleep. but my body is really tired and crying out for help because it's already not in its best condition. ankle's busted. back's strained. and immunity system's quite screwed. body clock is even more screwed. and well, my mind is somewhat settling down already and is prepared for the worst to come (even though i try not to think about it, i still do because i don't want myself to get hurt again. it's like walking headlong into something you know is dangerous but at the same time holding a shield in front of you, a shield that somehow drags you down till you're tired.)

personal feelings aside for a while, it's less than 6days to rag and that's why i'm not taking any MCs or even trying to rest. it's a bad habit of mine to do so because we've worked so hard for so long and i don't want to be the weakest link. so i force myself to be stronger than i seem to be. it takes a toll on my body very evidently, like last year, it took me almost 5months to recover from the injury. this year, i don't know how long it will take for my body to recuperate, but hopefully it's faster. :) and at least this year i didn't really re-sprain my ankle, just really strained it to a point where it cries out and then i take a break for a while.

it's less than 6days for sheares hall to go from history to eternity. and i'm prepared to pay the full price to make sure that happens. rag, is one of the most important things to me because it's really the shearite experience that i treasure the most. this year, may be my last year doing rag? i'm not too sure. but whatever it is, i am giving it my all. in this last 6days or less, i know that it's not only the dancers who will be working hard because the people downstairs like the material engineers and designers will be working even harder to complete the float. JIAYOU PEOPLE! WE'RE GETTING THERE!! RAG09/10 will definitely got down in history. :)

personally, i just keep telling myself to keep the "we are just friends" view and enjoy the now. there are times when i worry that the "now" will suddenly stop, but i guess i just have to let off on the amount of time that i spend together with him. for the next 6days, i solemnly swear that i will message him as little as possible and have as little contact with his as possible. i will focus on rag and only look for him after this period because concentrating on rag is more important and i need my emotions to be as stable as possible to ensure that i perform well.

anywayys. sighs. i got to go now. so many things happening today. shite. just got a freaking call and i need to run like now! ciao. sighs.

is this the moment where i look you in the eye ?

to tell the truth, i've never been a camera person. as in, i love taking photos, quite obviously from the amount of photos i have. but it was just that i never really brought my camera along. the current camera i own is 5yrs old and has never been used more than 6times before like june this year. that's how seldom my camera saw the light of day. i always relied on my friends to bring their cameras and take photos. but this time round, i realize that bringing the camera myself is so much more fun, interesting and memorable as well. because i get to take pictures from my point of view.

and i'm loving it because i get to capture the moments.

i realize how important it is to create my own memories because after a while, i may forget things and people. but with photographs, at least when i look back, they'll jolt memories and i'll be able to relive these experiences. :) especially with the people whom i'm close with now. the future is always something that we cannot comprehend nor foresee and today's friends may become tomorrow's enemies. so, i guess it's always better this way, that i have memories of my own.

today had a PJ party in the MPSH of sheares hall. wonderful experience. even though there weren't many photos, i guess they will be enough to last me through a session of reminiscence in the future. i'm glad that i was part of this "first" in sheares hall history. had loads of fun just bashing friends and freshies with my little cushion. :) playing the games with them made me feel like a freshie all over again. and, i'm making my first SWOC memories as well because i missed it last year due to rag dance.

and creating memories with him as well. :)
he still doesn't know, i think.
but i don't really care.
because i have the now.

oh, and i've lost weight since coming to hall! :D seriously, looking at the photos of last year and now, i look so much prettier. hees. even santa says that i lost weight! which is quite true. and i'm going to keep it off and become skinnier because i'm looking forward to my photoshoots. dearest moses will be the photographer and i've got a list of damn interesting places that i want to go to for these photoshoots. most of them are outdoor, so poor moses will have to put up with my incessant demands, but i'm paying him, so i get to act like a diva! (actually, i won't. just that he'll be damn tired from running around with me.) slowly wait for the photos people! i've decided to do my first shoot in september. cause august is already packed for me. sighs.

love and hate my schedule all at the same time.
well, time to upload some photos on FB
and then sleeeeeeep!

loves.

NOW is the best time of our lives .

firstly, a huge sorry to QiaoQiao. :( was supposed to go clubbing with her, but i was too tired after all the dance and orientation camp events. we had block culture today and i actually went to change in between to my bikini/clubbing wear, but in the end, decided not to go because tmr morning is another long day of orientation programs. sleep is, somewhat needed badly.

today, or rather yesterday was a long but quite exciting and fulfilling day for me. dance in the morning till late afternoon. had news that i currently cannot post here that brought along a little ruckus, but it's fine for now i think. shouldn't be too big a problem. :) and then block culture at night where all the other 4blocks had to go through our block culture (of course there was also the pleasure of drinking our very own homemade chinchow! the traditional blockE drink. hees.) block culture was supposed to end at 8pm, but it dragged a little till late 9plus. then there was cleaning up, which was fun because i ponded andy and moses! :D IMISSTHELEVEL6PONDINGSESSIONS. i think i mentioned it before, but yeah, i'm just mentioning it again. i think those were the most fun memories of level6. sighs. if time could rewind.. but unfortunately, time doesn't wait nor stop for any man.

memories, will always be sweet memories.

and that's why, i'm going to enjoy the now. talked to a few people here and there about many things that was on my mind (even though they didn't know. i know, i'm good at this.) and cleared out some things about my emo-ness. was in a seriously bad mood this morning because of so many factors, not just the monthly thing, but also because i just keep thinking about so many things that maybe, i shouldn't be thinking about. i guess i was thinking about the word "official" too much.

sometimes, things don't need to be said too plainly. because when things are put out in the open, there are appearances to keep up, and of course, very much more responsibility that has to be taken up. and i don't want that kind of commitment either because it's too taxing. wayy too taxing for my poor brain to take. these sneaky sneaky moments will be the ones that i look back on in the future, even if we aren't together in the long run. they'll be sweeter memories than if we were together. and there's less pressure this way.

i've changed my mind. i don't need an official.
i just need a HERE and a NOW.
because this is where fun starts.
and will only end when we say so.

:) ilikeyou.butidon'tneedaboyfinyou.
boyfs, they'reamillionandone
you, areoneinamillion.
loves.

sometimes love comes around, and it knocks you down.
just get back up when it knocks you down, knocks you down .

early saturday morning and i'm up this early because i got a scare. rag dance practice starts and 10am and i woke up with a start cause i was afraid that i was late. but it ended up being only like 8.30am. so, i went to wash up and here i am blogging. hah. oddly, i don't feel very well. the head's spinning a little and the tummy just isn't settling down the right way. and i have not eaten anything in the last probably, 12+ hrs. the last thing i ate was a slice of pizza at sentosa with the SWOC-ers. siann. i feel like puking even though there's nothing to puke.

and i can't eat now cause if i do, i'll really puke out whatever i eat during dance.

loved friday (yesterday) cause we went to sentosa. i finally got to meet my freshies and had a small gathering with some of the seniors. loves. times like these are extremely precious to me because i spend most of the days in the dance studio/MPSH and meeting up with friends has become an "after rag" thing. anyway, now at least i know the names of the like freshies and stuff like that. at first i was really quite lost, but sentosa day really made a difference.

AND I FINALLY WORE MY BIKINI! YES!! :) been waiting to do so since like sports camp. but because SWOC is a bit more family friendly, there wasn't a lot of skin revealed. ok, maybe quite a lot because the vest that i wore was actually too big for me. hahas. but, it was the BEACH. i mean, where else can you wear something like that and get away with it? :D

kinda loved friday also because it meant that i could go to the bar to work. the hours are long, but the company is fun. the work is tiring, but being able to work in such an environment, i grow and learn more things than other people who are in boring normal jobs. :) yesterday was an exceptionally slack(er) day compared to normal, but it was still quite a busy night. closed at around 2.30am.

came back to hall and decided to take a walk around hall cause i was thinking of some stuff. and chanced upon vernon and moses who told me there was a "level6 gathering" that happened a while before i came back. but then, managed to see winson and junghai who were appreciating some really nice-smelling, nasty tasting stuff. talked to them about some stuff too and they helped to analyse things from a guy's perspective. so yeah. i guess that sometimes, i don't need to ask for so much and should just be happy with the way things are between me and - - - - - - (fill in the blanks again, i love this game)

am still deciding if i should tell the girls about - - - - - - because i don't know what they're reaction will actually be. i did test waters a little, but it seems that their reaction wasn't so sweet. beek's reaction was quite negative, so i would think that the rest of them would have to same reaction. ohshite. i don't know what to do now. and it sucks.

anyway, here's some of my favourite photos from yesterday! :)
and unfortunately, i still feel like puking. :(