and they say that a hero can save us .

not going to be a long post cause i'm rush rush rushing to send my library book back. it's like a few million days overdue! anyways, yesterday was good. dance, worked a few hours, boss let me off early, met the girls at xlb steamboat buffet and didn't eat much at all. HAHAS. photos are going to be on FB, so watch out for them. i miss my girls so so so much. but all of us are busy busy with like school stuff now that rag and orientations and ongoing. sighs. miss them loads. great we had that gathering ytd. it's supposed to be like my belated birthday celebration. i still have one more belated birthday celebration that i'm waiting on! :D

confused, so super confused about so many things. mostly about him. told beek about this guy ytd and she gave me another view of him because she sees him in her faculty more often than i do and it seems that he's really like loud and all that and not many people like him because he's kinda cocky and yeahh. the flipside of what i have seen. sighs. to tell the truth, i know about that other side of him and it comes out only when he's with a crowd of people. but i think i should never look at things from my own judgement.

HATE HATE HATE WHEN THINGS LIKE THIS HAPPEN.
so what exactly is the next step i should take?
#1: stop thinking of him so much. yes?

sorry people for not having a tagboard anymore. i was changing my template and i accidentally deleted the code. trying to get that tagboard back cause it's followed me for quite sometime already. yeaps. sighs.

| early evening reverie |

take a look at the other side of the coin .

on the way to work now and blogging from my iPhone yet again. the trusty companion for almost a year now! how time flies. been working at the same bar (part-time) for almost a year and a half already. though my working times aren't fixed, at least it's a source of income that comes in somewhat irregularly to match my equally irregular spending habits. i like the job even though everyone tells me that i shouldn't be working there. but it's a decent job, so i'm not complaining.

the other side of the coin, i've seen today it seems. hahas. firstly, i changed my impression of someone whom i used to be afraid of. and now, i think she's quite nice. maybe it's because she's a senior and i seem to always be one of her charges, and thus, it's intimidating to think of her as a friend since we're not very close. i used to think that she's scary, but now, i think she's okay. but of course, there's still a little apprehension there though.

secondly, i think it's time to take a break from matters of the heart, like really not have any boyfs for the next few months. hard when the person that you actually kinda like stays in the same hall as you, but we'll see how that goes. i'm not really his type anyway cause i'm not pretty or skinny enough. hah. yes, i like how i look, love even - that's where all the narcissism comes from. but when it comes to dealing with what the opposite sex likes, i put myself down all the time. and i have a feeling that even if i lost another 10kgplus, i'll still put myself down.

thirdly, i realized why i like him. he comes off as a bad boy. he does everything that bad boys do. but i liked the flip side of him. the one that takes care of me like a gentleman. the one who makes sure i'm safe and protected. the one who said that i was beautiful, not hot. but beautiful. i think the last point is very important because i'd never go out with a guy who tells me that i'm hot. never. cause those kind of guys are only looking for one thing. saying that a girl is beautiful means that he looked that bit more deeper than all those other guys.

but we're still not meant to be, that i know for sure.
i'm tempted to ask for a short term rship, be loyal once again
but, i don't know where it will take the both of us.
it might just break our friendship and everything we have now

| morning mayhem |

the memories i can't forget are burnt into my heart .

it's been so long since the last time i felt so protected. it's been so long since the last time i felt special. it's been so long since the last time someone actually saw me in a different light. and one guy did all three things within two days. not that the two days was recent because i didn't want to blog about it so close to the date, so i waited for a while. maybe because i didn't want him to guess that the person i was referring to was him.

a simple gesture could make me feel so protected. a simple embrace made me feel special. a single glance and he saw me as more than just who i portrayed. sick. the immensity of what one person can do. and it doesn't help that somewhere deep down, i do like him as more than just a friend. sick. sick.

but i know that i'm just one of the other many girls in his life. and the memories, they remain with me and me alone to savour and then bask in the pain that follows because of how ignorant he is. how close yet far he is. this pain, i can bear because at least, he won't disappear from my sight for a while.

burnt into my heart.
how you look when you're next to me
protecting me from harm.
how you share with me through whispers
of your past and present.
how you hold me in your arms as if you
never would want to let go.

to my girls, i'll tell you about him soon. but i won't reveal his name.
never, ever will i divulge his name.
never, ever will i speak his name.
not because it's sacred
but secret.

| good night post |

and i just can't pull myself away, under a spell i can't break .

YES~ finally i know that i have real visitors who actually visit my blog. :) hello people who are reading. know that i love you very much for dropping by. even though everything here is quite emo.mo.mo. sighs. today rachel commented that my blog posts are all very emo. and yes, i totally agree with her that my blog posts are emo. afterall, it's a place where i vent everything and be the other side of myself that i don't show during the day. if you really do know me well, you'd know that during the day, and even night, as long as there are people around me, i'm actually quite noisy and high. but to every person, there is another side of the coin which many don't see.

i'm actually not a very sociable person if you haven't realized. i make myself more open when there are more people around me because it's just another survival skill that i have to learn. unfortunately, my actual personality is very introverted. so much so that i can't click with many people. because i'm actually scared of them. and maybe because i despise some of them for their flaky character.

there's one real life example whom i see everyday. the person is well, a senior and i don't think much of this person because this person is so flaky to a point where when this person becomes lazy at doing what this person is supposed to do, i feel angry because everyone is working so hard and yet, this person, well, just doesn't do what this person's position is supposed to do. please do not try to guess who this person is because you will never succeed. anyway, i used to respect this person a lot, but as time passed, i realized that there's really nothing to respect about this person because it seems that this person has a bout of bipolarity that is not very noticeable. it's just that, i'm very sensitive to the feelings and thoughts of other people.

so much so that it scares myself. when you can know what a person is feeling just by looking at them. sometimes i feel like i'm invading their privacy, but there's no other way to stop it. it's just something that happens naturally. a gift i would say.

anyway, i know there are people who don't like me either and well, it's something that i cannot help. i don't need every single 6billion people in the world to like me. i'd have a very tiring life if that was the case. but anyway, i know people don't like me because they don't know me, and i don't blame them because i'm someone who's got many different aspects that make who i am up. and people who don't know me can't keep up with it. blame it on my horoscope i guess, i'm a cancerian (however you spell it) and my moods are very changeable as well as my personality. and it's just that some people don't know how to appreciate this uniqueness and write it off as flakiness. HEN SIAN.

but what they don't know don't hurt me. they just lost someone who could be their friend.

anyways, i've been thinking so much recently that my head hurts! cause of some decisions, i guess that many things in my life will have to change. and it's not that i'm not prepared to make these changes, but the status quo would have been so much better. and i hate it when rumors fly around because i know that there's one going around and it's a really HEN SIAN feeling because i'm afraid that it will ruin my friendship with a certain guy. i think he's not really taking it seriously, but ok, i'm still keeping my distance. i think that if that idiot hadn't started the rumor, we could have been quite good friends because i love his lame personality that makes my day and he's easy to talk to. but now, i have to keep my distance. and i hate it because i think i might just lose a friend.

well, life's just like that i guess. nothing more to say.
things happen for a reason? idk.
and i don't want to know.


| evening post |

i'm your biggest fan, i'll follow you until you love me .

what a joke, really. i don't think that such a thing will ever happen because i know that there's no way that someone out there will love me just because i follow them around. and anyway, that's stalkerish. but the thing about those lyrics that hit me was the determination that was in it. hen sian right? nevermind, i'm just crapping. :P

recently.. things have been quite flowy. i think sometimes i think too much, but that's just my conservative nature eating into my conscious mind. not too long ago (okay, maybe slightly more that 2years?) i used to love my life because it was almost perfect. my parents gave me everything that i wanted. i never really had to worry about material possessions and i had quite a loving boyf. even if he wasn't at the very least, i know i loved him alot, then.

fast forward to today, it seems that my character has shifted 360degrees. my parents still do what they do, but i'm not satisfied because i know that's not really love. material possession have become something that i can buy myself already - miss independent that pays for her branded clothes and things like that. as for love, i don't know what that is anymore. i don't love anyone, neither does anyone love me. love is non-existent because it's been replaced by the word lust.

i'm not afraid of people knowing because this is me. it's what i've become after all the years of growing tired of being loyal and loving. growing tired of constantly loving a person who didn't love me anymore. instead of being the one who suffers, why not be the one who enjoys all the attention? isn't that so much better than having to love others. i feel that it is. and it's become my way of life.

but that side of me is a character that comes out only at night. during the day, i'm unglamly clad in FBTs and oversized old school shirts. when i go for classes, i look a little better, but i tend to make myself look like a geek. and at night, it's a 360degree turn in dressing from oversized shirts to plunging necklines, flowing skirts that fly with every gust of wind.

seriously, the skinnier i grow, the crazier my dressing becomes. that was one of the very reasons why i was afraid to lose weight when i was slightly younger. but now, it's an all out fight to exercise more and become skinnier, for all the wrong reasons. i'm doing the wrong things even though i know it's wrong. but who care? no one cares for me. so why should i care. hah. ironically, i'm not saying that my friends don't care. they do, but in different ways. and i love my friends for loving me the way that i am. serious during the day, playful at night. sighs. personally, i don't even know what i'm really feeling. nice.

if you can imagine, i used to be very very very extremely conservative. things that weren't meant to be were never done. alcohol was a deadly sin and partying was never a word in the dictionary. but things have since changed. i still keep some boundaries, but most of them have already been broken. i drink, i party. hahs. of course there is a part of me that is still conservative and that's why, i'm still alive and in university.

and i think i've found someone who's exactly like me. nice.
at least i know i'm not alone.



| morning post |

when the stars dictate it all .

according to my astrology, my 20th year will be one of great change, and i think that it's right. it's barely a month after my birthday and i've gone through so many major changes. some were on purpose, some by accident, but all of them made huge differences in my life and how i'm going to live it for the rest of the year. astrology also has said that i've already met my almost perfect match. i know who it is, i've liked him since well, maybe half a year ago but we're not together yet. we're just astrologically compatible.

now, since when have i believed all that bullcrap, idk. but somehow, it works to a certain extent. whatever. i don't know what dictates my life right now, but i really do hope that somehow, my life will just unfold nicely. hoping against all hope, idk either. right now, i just want to party. and enjoy his company while he's around me. idk how long it will be before this rship that we have between us will change in nature, but i'm enjoying the now and i won't think of the later.

can't wait for supperclub on saturday. :)
it's probably the only thing that i'm looking forward to now.
other than rag day.

the mistakes that i make keep getting bigger .

but i'm not complaining because these mistake are those that make life so much more, fun. and crazy. and pleasurable. met someone like me yesterday night. okay, maybe not. i've known him for slightly over a year but we never really talked about our religious pasts. like me, he used to be fervent about serving God and ministry. but as the years went by, he found other things that completed his life, other more carnal, more secular forms of satisfaction, like music, studying, alcohol and so on that he thinks and still believes completes his life.

for me, i think i'm walking down the same path.
and this time, i know i'm not alone.

ranting is all i can do now to save my soul.

they just want a body
and i just want affection and protection .
but it doesn't work that way
so maybe i shouldn't play .

a sunday afternoon in hall. decided not to go to church this morning and concentrate on hall stuff for today because there's just so many things going on and i feel that, going to church when i'm just going there because it's just a weekly "ritual" doesn't make sense anymore. i don't feel anything anymore. no matter how much i pray, read the bible and all that, it just doesn't ring a bell on anything anymore. i went for monday's overnight prayer meeting despite the fatigue of dance and the knowledge that i had practice at 10am the next morning. but, i guess that being pious doesn't help at all. during the prayer meeting, i sincerely prayed for everything that i was supposed to pray for. but that doesn't make life better does it.

family family family. it's just a word nowadays. a word that holds no meaning? a word that is just a way of saying that you belong somewhere, even when you don't really belong. i hate my past. no matter how pampered i was, no matter how i was able to willfully get everything that i wanted, it doesn't matter. the parents don't get it do they? i don't want money (it is essential, but that's not what i want), i don't want material goods (it's nice to have them of course, but it's not essential). all i want is for you to show that you truly care.

that YOU truly care. i don't care about how you feel about my other parent. i don't care about how my other parent loves me. everyone has their different ways of showing love - money is definitely not one of them, so just let the other parent love me in the way he/she knows how to. right. it's that easy. sighs. nevermind. the parents will never understand and my siblings and i will just suffer in silence, no matter how much we know we shouldn't be suffering this kind of shit.

i've always thought that when God brings a child into the world, the child should be surrounded by love and happiness. but as from the examples of lesser developed countries like africa or even india, we see that this is not the truth. even closer to home, singapore is full of dysfunctional families like mine where we face a different situation from our compatriots in africa and india. there, they are fighting for survival. in my case, i know and am grateful that i'm so much more blessed than them because i've got every material thing that they don't. but on the flipside, they have the genuine love and care from their parents and humanitarian workers whilst i ...

sighs. maybe i should just be glad that i'm not fighting for survival
maybe i should just be glad that i have the material things that they don't.
but material things fade away, die out or are spoilt
but love always stays.
that's why i envy them.

was talking to a close adult friend of mine last night and we were just catching up and she was giving me a listening ear. and i told her that i'm actually afraid to get married and have kids, no matter how much i really want to get married and maybe get kids. because i don't want the past to repeat itself. because i don't want my kids to suffer what i have. because i cannot confidently say that i won't vent my past on them. i'm afraid that i will, even though i tell myself that i don't want to let them follow in my steps.

we also came to a conclusion that i keep changing boyfs not only because i'm looking for the right one to come along (sorry people, i am loyal to every guy that i am attached to, but contrary to what you think, i get over them as fast as i became loyal to them. i'm no longer that girl who cried for one year for the same guy. that quelyn, is dead and gone), but also because i don't want to be alone at any point of time. i need that affection and protection no matter how independent i am.

i like being protected because i've spent too long protecting the ones i love without anyone sheltering me. i've spent too long being mature that i just want to be a kid at times. people say that i act like a five-year-old, a seven-year-old. how many of you spent your waking hours in primary school looking after crying infants. how many of you sacrificed your sleep, your time out with friends just to rush home because something happened and there wasn't anyone there. how many of you had to be burdened by promises unkept and dreams dashed because of your parents. i think maybe i'm not the only one with these experiences. but i feel that it's time to give myself a break from being mature and responsible.

that's why i became a party girl. my days are spent as a responsible student, a good shearite. i do my homework, complete my duties and make sure that they are all down pat pretty and good. but at night, it's time for me to let my hair loose, literally and metaphorically. i party hard with my girls, flow with the music and down alcohol like nobody's business (and i do take care of myself and my friends in the process). it's all part of getting my share of fun. i'll never be able to play on the swing anymore. i'll never be able to go take those silly pretty neoprints anymore. i'll never be able to do all that other people have done during their primary/secondary/JC days, but i do know that i can party like a rockstar right now.

it's the last few years of my life when i can really go crazy.

call it whatever you like, irresponsibility, voluntary madness - anything.
i don't care. because to me,
it's redemption.

i've spent too long ranting already i guess. but as i've said before. this is the only place where i can say everything that i feel and everything that's bothering me. so if you don't like what i'm writing here, there's always the browser that you can close. if you think i'm complaining too much then don't come back here. if you think that i'm writing useless things, then don't read. easy as that. it's the freedom of speech.

ciao for now.

blogging from my phone again cause I'm on the road. busy busy even though it's already a saturday. had dance practice and stunts vetting this morning and then had lunch with the raggers at quite a late hour. decided that it would be useless to go for cg because I'd be so darn late, so yeah. I'm not there. to fellow cgmembers who read this blog, don't worry, I'm trying my best to hang on to whatever faith I have left. I think it's a skeptism thing at this moment because I'm not a very young Christian, just one who backslided before and never really found the strength to totally come back to God because of so many things that happened.

they say that bad things always happen to good people and I guess that's what happened to me. bad things happened, I backslided, and got exposed to the world and now, I can't really or rather, don't really want to let go. before, when I was young, I was a very strong Christian, one who served almost full time in almost every ministry. but I was sheltered from the evils of this world and when it came to a time where I lost everything and gained all knowledge, I didn't know what to do. it was like Adam and eve eating the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil and found out that they were naked. they hid from God, but I ran from Him because it seemed like everything that I once believed in was a lie.

going back to a different church, I saw he lives of others and how they've changed, but I never belive that I can be like them cause I'm too screwed up already. I don't think God will save me anymore, but that's what I think. for me, it has to be proven before I will really believe again. I'm just waiting for that miracle to come one day. well, idk if I'll ever see it.

anyway, had a bit of time before giving tuition so I met Moses and went to bras barsah (however it's spelt) from hall. he was thinking of getting a tattoo and he took my angel idea. lols. so now he wants an angel on his left arm and then he added on that he would get another demon on his right arm - "angels and demons" anyone? hahas. I like being with him cause he's quite fun to talk to and of course, he's one of the rare gentlemen that are left on this earth. kay, maybe not gentlemanly, but he knows how to protect the opposite sex. meeting him tonight again to go to Chinatown to drink with his friends and then having an x-men marathon tomorrow night after the block BBQ. woots~

honestly, I can't wait for the BBQ tmr cause almost all the freshies will be there! anyway, I'm on the way to give tuition now so yeah. sighs. it's going to be another weekend burnt by hall activities, but this is the life! maybe I should get a hall boyfriend. so much easier than juggling a few outside hall. sighs. korie says I should go 6mths without a boyf, but hmm. with my personality, I'm too fun loving to not have one. lols. many people think I'm a playgirl, but I don't think I am. I just haven't found the right one. maybe I'm just the female version of YCS. he broke up with his ex barely three weeks ago and he's already got a new girl. I'm just, something like him?

no, I'm just looking for the right person to come along.

| post 445~ |

we've got the best of the best this year.

obviously, i'm talking about rag, the one thing that fills my days and invades my dreams when i sleep. for it, i haven't been out of hall for 2weeks already because the days are passed with cleaning steps and going through run after run. don't get me wrong, i'm not complaining - in fact, this is the time of the hall year that i love the most. politics aside, it's a time where we get to do so much more than everything put together during the academic year. almost 24/7, i'm with these people whom after rag, may no longer be as close to me. but, it doesn't matter because it's the now that counts.

our chairperson said it right, we've got the best everything this year, i'm very sure of it because the scale of things and the storyline, the people that we have are exceptionally good. there's no doubt about it. i've personally seen everything that the people downstairs are doing and there's no doubt that they're hard work is slowly bearing fruit as the props and stuff like that are slowly forming up. (sorry, i cannot divulge anymore because it's TOP SECRET. if you want to know, come down to the SRC @ NUS on the 8th of august and be blown away.) and really, the things that they do is MIND-BLOWING. just the design alone and i was like "seriously, this is what we are going to being to rag day?" it seemed like mission impossible just looking at the design on paper. the complexity of things, WOW. it just really blew me away to goodness knows where. but it was really really (insert word that quelyn cannot think of because words don't do justice anymore.)

99 people in the team, 1 goal.

and i truly hope that in all those 99people, everyone is putting in their greatest. i don't think i want to bitch here because it's not very nice. but well, we are only as fast as our slowest person and i see one person who is slowing us down so much that i just want to punch the living daylights out of her and scream "DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE PUTTING OUT AT STAKE HERE? YOU NOT DOING WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO WILL F- JEOPARDIZE EVERYTHING THAT EVERYONE HAS BEEN WORKING FOR." but, the dance i/cs are not saying anything yet, so i guess that i have no place to say anything. i know that it's not just me that is unhappy with her, but we can't say anything because upper management is not saying anything. sighs. someone, please say something before my fuse burns out and i really lash out at her. that day will come soon.

2weeks to rag day, and i'm taking every minute seriously. fine, i may still be having fun and htht/gossiping around. but during full runs, i make sure that i really give it my all. f- this is the only place that i can really scream in and what i'm feeling right now is really edging on pushing through and giving up. more on the pushing through though. every single run we make, every step that i take, i just want to scream out in pain because my right ankle is not holding out at all anymore. but seeing everyone working so hard, i don't want to sit out. i don't want to miss any chance to continue practicing for what we're aiming for. i will have a lot of time to rest after rag. and now is not the time to say anything.

what can i say, i love my acting skills.

uhh. ok, maybe not. this morning some people pissed me off before i went for dance practice by screwing some important things up and i settled it a bit with them before going for practice and i was 10mins late. ohshit. i feel bitch monster coming up. fine. i'll bitch. i mean, i was 10mins late and you scolded me. HELLO, THERE WAS ANOTHER SNR WHO WAS LIKE 45MINS LATE, AND YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING? just because you and her are more "gum" doesn't mean that you should give her slack. seriously. 45mins. because she woke up late. i had a valid reason, she didn't. FINE. i mean, you never liked me anyway. and i don't want you to like me either cause it makes things more interesting this way. JUST BE F- FAIR. a leader who is biased towards her friends is a leader who has failed, totally failed.

anyway, after those two episodes, i was really pissed and while we were cleaning our dance, they said i looked like i was going to kill the floor. #1, i didn't look at anyone because my eyes would have murdered someone and we'd be one dancer short. #2, i wasn't smiling because if you went through the same shit as me, you wouldn't have smiled either. OK. BITCH FEST OVER. :)

anyways, coming to other things, there's so many emotions that i have to keep in check nowadays. feels really tiring because there's no place where i can really let every single thing out. miss independent has to do everything herself if you haven't realized. family, to me is just a word for now because there is not a single person in there that i can really totally count on. i want my own real family who is not dysfunctional. i want a perfectly normal family. is that too much to ask for? i think right now in my life, the most reliable people i can count on are well, maybe my friends. but, i'll never know until they go through shit with me and then i'll see if they really are my friends.

argh. life is like a really weird thing. i can be happy at everything, like really happy and high. but then when you come back down from that highness, you have to solve all the things that reality throws at you. nor really complaining about it because it's supposed to be that way. that's what makes life interesting. :)randomly, been listening to some new genres of music and am starting to like it quite a lot. appreciating it is definitely becoming something that i'm looking forward to because the music's quite good.

i know i'm slow dancing in a burning room
cause i see the walls falling apart already
but i don't want to run away from where i am
i'm going to face my fate head on from now.

| 10.57pm |

lost in the eyes of a stranger.

just finished dance practice and it's looking good, even though most of the time it's only the last run that's the cleanest. for me, i've finally found the energy to throw into finale. now, for the other parts, i've got to get someone to psycho me into my character. KORIE, WHERE ARE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU. (bleahh. he's in camp and he can't talk much. sighs.) but yeap. less than 15days to Rag Day and i'm really looking forward to so much more that day. my ankle's not going to hold out i think, but i'm going to give it my all no matter what. on the 8th of august 2009, i want to be crying, crying with joy because sheares hall once again will own the shield, and go to chingay next year.

and i think, seriously think that when i'm not in a serious relationship, i'm one of the most horrendous playgirls around. i've barely gotten over one guy and another guy has caught my attention. the only difference is that this time round, i'm actually interested in someone first. wow. there's really a first time for everything. he's not very handsome. he's not very outstanding. he's probably not really smart either. but, there's just something about him that makes me feel that he's different from the rest of the better looking guys. unfortunately, nothing will happen because he stays in hall, and i don't really want to date a hall boy.

other than that, there's nothing much really to update now cause it's the same as every other day. we're dancing and dancing the 10am to 10pm everyday. with breaks in between. OHOH! tmr practice is starting at 11am instead! so i've got more time to sleep in. YESYES~ oh. and i learnt to do the chicken little dance from vimal and can't get enough of yiyi's stupid lame fan joke that's so bloody funny. LOLS.

i guess that overall, i love the company of everyone in rag dance. we may all be different in terms of what we like to do, what we will be doing and the way we live our lives, but nowhere in the world will you find another event that brings people of different backgrounds really doing something so stupid together. it's these times that i'll really remember when i'm out there doing whatever monotonous job i get when i'm older (ah. hopefully it's not going to be very monotonous though. sighs.) though it sounds quite ironic and somewhat morbid, i think i'll miss rag dance days very soon. the practices are tiring, but it's really one time where you really get to be together as a group working towards one common goal every single hour and minute that you are together.

an experience of a lifetime that can never be replicated.

| 1.47am |

just one step at a time .

sometimes i wonder if it would be better if i never knew you. then maybe when we walk past each other, we'll just be like the rest of the world, strangers walking past each other without any interaction. but now i know that every time i see you around campus, there's definitely going to be the opening of a floodgate of memories that i can never erase because the times with you were just the sweetest, the safest that i've ever felt in a long time.

i want someone to come along and take that place that he left. and do a better job than him. unfortunately for me, God is unable to step into that position because of many many factors. die hard, pious, i-am-the-most-righteous christians will argue a whole thesis essay on why i am wrong. and unfortunately for them, i do not have the conviction that they have.

anyway, i f-ing busted BOTH my ankles again. but with less than 3weeks to d-day, there is no way i'm stepping out of practice unless i cannot walk. as long as i am able to move, i'll dance run after run after run. no matter how tired i am or how much pain i am in. i will not give in. i will not complain. i will just swallow and make sure that no one knows that i'm in pain.

i'm sorry, this is just me. i am miss independent.
who still needs to be pampered by you.

it's such a contradictory state to be in. fortunately, i'm able to balance out both. which is something that many many girls just cannot get. seriously. but that's not for me to comment on because each of us have our own life journeys to walk. and we all walk different paths, that's what make the world a happier, more interesting place. :)

well, sleep beckons at 2am.

if you forget, why should i remember?
but then again, why then does my heart remember
what the mind doesn't want to relive.

you're getting closer to me.
in more ways than one,
and i'm starting to get afraid
because i might just fall deeper
instead of crawling out.

if i could turn back time,
would i do the same thing?

idk.

i thought that this was something that i would never blog about, but it turns out that i still have to blog it out because i feel that injustice has been done to my being. seriously, i've lost respect for OSR & VL because they have so blatantly shown themselves to be unworthy of any. just because you two are a law and med student respectively doesn't mean that everything that you say, do or think should be placed on another person. your opinion is not the world. so what if you are smarter than most of the NUS population? we're all in the same bloody university. if you were so smart, why not go to cambridge or oxford?

and as a lawyer-to-be, you should be very familiar with the line "innocent until proven guilty". if you do not understand such a simple principle, i see that your career will be a very screwed up one because you will not be truly fighting for justice. without the cold hard facts on hand, you condemned something that didn't happen and it has made me feel very indignant because i shouldn't bear the burns of your worthless fury of self-righteousness and "oh-i-am-so-morally-right" claims.

COLD HARD FACTS beats your useless accusations, any day. FUCK YOU. hah. I WIN. it seems so childish, but knowing that these two people who are supposedly so much cleverer than me could actually fall under such a simple theory makes me feel that these snobs are getting their just deserts. and they still tried to argue back on that the point they have made is oh-so-right.

seriously, get a life. and by "life" i don't just mean mugging during the semester and traveling during the holidays. there's so much more in the world to enjoy, why just enjoy the larger things in life and not just the smaller ones. life's too short to waste and you two have wasted too much time burying your noses in your stupid books. seriously.

well, i've lost respect for you and there's no way you can earn something like that back. during term time, i've already tried very hard to save your face in my impressions of you. but now, you totally screwed everything. and i'm not going to feel obliged to respect you anymore, because you simply don't deserve something so precious.

shite. woke up late and missed service physically so i'm catching it online now. it's going to be one really really long day. there's SHY and then there's the steamboat and then i'm giving tuition at 7pm too. sighs. why so busy. sometimes i feel that i can no longer breathe normally because there's just no time and space to do so.

been really emo the past few days, but haven't really been showing it because i've been busy catching up with all my dance steps. i'm proud to say that right now, i've memorized all my dance steps like 99% and they're about maybe 45% clean (shite.) and so next week, i'll work super hard on cleaning my moves because it's less than 3weeks to RAG DAY! and i'm quite apprehensive about a lot of things. hall life is going to start. and then there's school life. starting in a new faculty this semester. taking new modules. and i think that none of my modules are similar to any of my friends, which is scary because i've always been in this comfort zone with friends taking at least some modules with me. stepping out isn't going to be easy.

i thought that i would never blog about him, but the thing is, he's constantly on my mind, so i'd rather write about him on the blog then keep all the thought in my mind to make me go crazy. seriously. i know that during ragbash i really had it bad when it came to him cause usually when i'm high, he's the one and only thing on my mind. and well, it sucks. too bad that there's no one who can actually match up to him, or else one of my bad habits will start to emerge. sighs. well, it's a blessing in disguise.

anyway, I HAD A HELL LOAD OF FUN AT RAG BASH! because there were a lot of fellow clubbers on scene and well, it helps to bring the atmosphere damnn high! love you party people. :) and i wanna go real partying someday with you'll. wheee~

i miss you. i miss you. i really really miss you. but, there's nothing more that i can do. you're going to move into hall soon, i expect. and then you're going to forget about me, very soon. but, how do i forget about you? i'll try to. but there's no promises. unless someone else comes along and steals my heart.

sent geraldine off to korea this morning. :( she's not going to be here for like 6months. i think i'm missing her already. as for me, i'm wondering if i will be able to go for any form of SEP. so far, things haven't exactly been running the way that i'm wanting it to go. if you still don't know, i haven't been promoted to year2 yet. my CORS classification is ARS1 because i didn't get enough modular credits the last two semesters. so this is going to be my third semester as a year1 and it's my last chance to really pull whatever i've created up to a level where i get at least some form of honors. so, i don't know where my SEP will be fitting in if i really go through with it. my business modules are still not pat down yet. my sociology modules are at least somewhere there. school school, is really a headache right now. but i've got to work hard to at least get my paper.

as for the heart, it's still in that state of not here nor there.

argh. things are really not going as well as i've wanted it to. hopefully, it will get better. i'm actually thankful that i have so many things to do cause it keeps me busy. if in the same situation but with nothing to do but sit at home and rot, i think i would be contemplating suicide now. but thank god that my life is damn happening and i don't want to die cause i haven't finished enjoying the world yet.

off to do SH4101 and then back to dance.

tell me have you ever loved and lost somebody.

seems like rag dance is not helping all the emotions in me at all. during the day, obviously i won't have the word "emo" written all over my face because it seems that i'm already quite lonely in rag dance. missed the first week of intensive practice and i'm already starting to feel estranged from the freshies because they've been htht-ing alot the past week. and then of course, there's the endless runs of the whole performance that entails smiling and behaving kiddish, thus, there's really no room for me to put my real emotions on my face.

but at night, when i'm all alone in the room, door closed, blinds drawn, the emotions just sink in. and i realize that i cannot cry anymore. because, i'm immune to doing that. bbff once told me before that it's not a weakness to cry. but he lives in a different world. he doesn't know the world i live in and he obviously doesn't bear the responsibilities that i do. i remember that last year during LTC, i made a realization - as a leader, you never cry in front of your charges because it is a sign of your weakness. as a senior in hall, a future blockhead, i cannot cry in front of my hall mates. as a leader in school, i cannot cry in front of my charges. as a leader in the company, i cannot cry in front of my subordinates. as an older member in the cellgroup, i cannot cry in front of my cellgroup mates. so tell me, when then can i cry.

the answer is never because i've learnt so well not to cry that even in the quietness of my room, i don't cry at all anymore. as much as i want to, but i don't. not just because it's a sign of weakness anymore, but also because my mind is numb. korie says that it's not true and that one day, i will cry again. well, i'll just be waiting to for that day to come. maybe, just maybe it'll come sooner than later?

the number of friends that he and i are going to have in common is just going to go up because i just found out that the "secret" that he's been keeping from me all this time is that he successfully got into hall. not the hall that i'm staying in, but one where i have many, many friends in. and i don't like it because it means that i definitely will be seeing more of him in the future whether i want it or not. and that doesn't help in the "let's forget him" part of my plan. same faculty, hall with many common friends. sighs. the news just keeps getting worse everyday.

i want to forget that which i love.
create a new divide between us.
one that i can never cross.
or else i know that,
i will fall.
damn.
shite.
f-.

seriously. seriously. let me go . don't haunt me. no one wants to be alone and everyone wants someone to care. but he cannot be that person that will care for me. he cannot be. because of the so many, so many things that are between us, that is stopping me for loving him and because we started on the wrong foot as well. so many reasons which i cannot list out that keeps us away from each other. for all that's unwritten here, are streaks of paint that cuts the flesh and leaves me to bleed, silently.

someone take me away please. just bring me away from this space that i am in right now. the pain, is almost unbearable but there is no way for me to let it out. it feels like i just keep cutting myself up inside even though i look fine on the outside. the following song, is in the wrong context, but it's describes exactly what i'm feeling very aptly.



on another slightly happier note, i've learnt finish almost all my parts. just have to clean and get a few bits here and there right. but other than that, i'm on track and mostly about 90% caught all the dance steps already. they're not clean, but at least, i'm able to dance. now the next step is to focus on memorizing and making sure that my lines are clean, i'm doing the right thing with my legs etc etc. and to stop wondering if he's helping out in hall or faculty rag. stop thinking. stop the mind from f- running into the wrong place.

if i said i miss you, would you even remember me?

just a few short months that feel like a year, or maybe even years. but at the end of the day, it still ends the same way as all the others that only lasted a few days long. i said to him "you're just another one of my flings in my 19th year." - but i didn't mean what i said at all. what i did know what that, i was running away because i was taking things all too seriously. after i said that, i put down the phone and started crying, wiped my tears and then changed to go out into the clubs for the night. to forget about him, or forget about the pain, i don't really know. all i know is that, i had to get over it.

it's been about well, three days since and i'm slowly opening up the memories again to think about all that happened. this person is the one that has been so elusive on my blog. but, hopefully after this post, he will never appear in this blog again. he was someone who was in none of my circle of friends and maybe that's why it was so hard to talk to anyone about it. the only one who probably knows some semblance of who he is would be korie. but even korie doesn't know his name. because he's someone that i've ever wanted but someone i can never have. i know all too well how it would end up.

he never said goodbye. the last thing he said to me was "happy 20th birthday". how ironic that it would end in the last hours before i turned 20. maybe it was a conscious decision that i had to end it before it ended me. right now, i'm not ready to take any serious relationship into my life because i'm wary of the coming year. afraid that it would affect my studies. afraid that it would affect the way i carry out my duties as a blockhead. afraid that it will change the way i relate to other people because having a serious boy would mean that i would want to spend more time with him, and i know that i will neglect everything else in my life. and i don't want that to happen. so i'd rather break him than the rest of my life.

it was a selfish decision, i admit. but in the first place, i don't think he was ever as serious as i thought he was. an open relationship that both of us didn't want to admit to our friends. i went out with his friends as one of his juniors. he never really met my friends at all because he always ran to somewhere else. but i think that this is where i'm contradictory in my thoughts because he is such a person. contradictory and ironic just like me. and the exact opposite of me. he wouldn't fit into my life. i wouldn't be able to fit into his. damn. but now i'm regretting. and at the same time, i cannot regret.

i guess the end of my quarantine and the start of rag dance comes at a right time for me. dance the hours away. dance the pain away. dance the memories of him to another land where he will be immortally the sweet person that i know him to be. a dream lover that i will never get. the past half a year to me, would probably be just a dream. a nice dream with one of the most memorable lovers.

nice one quelyn. nice one.

one last thing, the song that he caught my heart with . will become one of the anthems of my clubbing life. though it's quite an old song, it'll still always be one of my favourites, in memory of him.



baby you live on somewhere out there.

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been dancing since 2pm and it's dinner break right now. today was a slightly slacker day, but i'm catching up, slowly but surely. but because of the number of breaks, it also gave me more time to think about things that i didn't want to think about. to be emo and yet have to have a smiling face and go through as if nothing happened, really is the hardest thing yo do right now because all i really want to do is lie in bed and not doing anything at all.

forcing myself to move is the best thing that i can do right now.

| edit |

some of the contents of this blog post have been changed (aka. salt and pepper have been added or taken out) so that they person in question will not know that it is him that i'm talking about. please do not ask me for his name or anything of that sort because no such information will be given out at this point of time. hopefully if he reads this post, he will understand something new.

haven't blogged for quite a few days, but the moment i do, it's definitely news! :D I'M TURNING 20 IN A FEW HOURS TIME. and right now, i'm going to write well, what i've been feeling. my 19th year started with Rag Dance because i was in the midst of it at that time. it was also punctured with a surprise call from my ex-boyfriend, who is currently my bbff. and that was my first day as a 19-year-old.

the 19th year was eventful, with the many ups and downs that i've experienced. and it has really been a year of many new things as well. i started classes at NUS and screwed up my modules quite a fair bit. but, that was a fun experience. learnt japanese and french in school. had a taste of many things that i dreamt of learning or have learnt before, but had it taught in a different way. life as a university student is much harder than i imagined it to be. the amount of discipline that one much possess. the level of responsibility that one takes over his own learning. the passion that you show in each class is very evident to the teaching assistant or lecturer. there's much more freedom, and much more room for falling, very badly. but all in all, it's a growing mistakes. in my 20th year, hopefully i'll learn from the mistakes of the past and have a stunning second academic year here in NUS.

my 19th was also spent in hall for the first time, also marking my first year of independent living outside of the home. a year where juggling personal and social time was really a test because of the amount of social activities there were both in and out of hall. my first year as a shearite came with successes and disappointments. disappointments like not getting into the band as a singer because i'm not rock, nor powerful enough. not getting into geyao because i forgot my chinese lyrics. not heading SE well enough and allowing it to fail despite the fact that something could have been done about it. but at the same time, there were successes, like block comm, which i will be stepping up to head the coming year, and which was a great experience because i made a new family. level6, my pride and joy, no matter where in the world/society they may be in right now. convening comm where i had an experience marketing for an event and CMB where i kinda grew somewhat as well, in many different senses. overall, the first year in hall was a challenging, surprising and new experience that i will keep with me. the block suppers, buaya week, living in a room alone. the stress, the joy. the drinking sessions. the steamboat sessions. hahas. they will all be part of my everlasting memory.

i have about 10 more minutes to type all that i want to say because i have to leave this place to my next destination. this surprise period of time that i have to rest, well, is just amazing i think. at least i have a chance to blog before my 20th. and i did many things as well. some which i may remember to mention, some which i may forget. during my 19th year, i went for 2 auditions, 2 10km "marathons", countless clubbing parties. made a lot of new friends. was a mentor in PVC2. have a new family - Youth Factory. have a new family - Block Comm. have a new home - Sheares Hall. dabbled in many different languages. learnt to live alone. learnt to do laundry. learnt to spend my time wisely because there's just so little time! stepped up to various leadership positions. became skinnier by a bit. became prettier by a lot. :) hahas. danced my life away for a period. clubbed my life away for a period. became a little more sociable. because very much more confident about the way that i look. started to eat healthier. exercise more. grown somewhat closer to N415. bought a bikini. bought loads of new cheap clothes that don't look cheap for the first time. owned 2 new Guess? bags. went overseas for holidays with the whole family. played sports that i've never played before. found out who are my true friends and who are not.

hahas. so that's the end of my 10mins. i spent part of it dressing up. :P now. i'm getting ready to go out! oh. i bought a new 2GB SD card for my camera and i can take 1400+ photos! :D super happiness. i'm going trigger happy tonight. YEY!

i don't think you deserve the friendship anymore. those so many number of years that i've pined away waiting for your friendship, i wasted. and the only thing left, is nothing between the both of us. the next time you return, we'll settle that last piece of unfinished business. and that's the end of us. because you simply don't care. because you only think of your f- self.

if you're reading this blog, don't worry, it's not you.

if i walk the wrong path this time round again, at least i want it to be a happy journey into the depths of the never-ending abyss. and, i'm willingly walking onto this path of (almost) no return because it's a one-way ticket to (mostly) disaster. between doing what is right but painful, i'm choosing to do what is wrong but fulfilling. the fulfillment may only be momentary. but that's all i want for now. instant gratification. waiting for so long, i haven't seen Him appear yet. no matter how much i pray or how faithfully i attend cellgroups and services, or how piously i do my quiet time - there's always no answer, no presence, nothing.

and i'm running back to the world. at least there, i'm wanted and used to my fullest ability, and my talents don't go to waste. i'll sing and dance my life away if that's the last thing that i do. but i envy those people who keep hearing from God. i envy them because at least they have some form of reciprocation when they pray or worship and things like that. i long for that but never get it. i'm still trying, still praying, still pushing on. but at the same time, i'm looking for what i need in the world as well.

but i have a feeling, that i'll never find it. not in religion, nor the world. i'm destined to hang in limbo all my life, as far as i can see right now.

to him,
boyy, will you turn back
and just take a look at me
every once in a while.
that will be more than enough.

and as for sports camp, this year, there will be no ending for me i guess. because after the camp got cut short, it marks the end of life as i once knew it to be. no more beach games, no more fun. just rag dance and more rag dance. those four days that i spent with SOZAI were really, the most fun that i've had since the start of the holidays. four days of running around and doing silly but fun things. i couldn't have asked for more. though short-lived, i can safely say that indeed, sports camp is one of the best orientation camps that NUS has to offer. YOYO SPORTSCAMP! - when the one day event comes, take the day and go have fun with it. make sure you have LOADS of fun, take my share as well because i'll be there in spirit to experience the atmosphere with you.

thought about something for the whole day and i still cannot come to a decision as to whether to hold on or let go. but i do know one thing is that between me and him, we're both on polar ends of the earth. when two are as different as day and night, can we really be together? when two belief systems clash, can these two people mesh? i think not. but i'm still holding on, wishing that maybe, just maybe something different will happen this time.

been a little sick. rar. and with all the H1N1 shite going around, i really hope that it's not that which i'm down with. been in contact with really, a lot of people in the last week plusplus because of my social butterfly schedule. but the people close to me seem fine, so i won't be too worried. yeaps. :) and i'll be praying that they stay safe.

God, if you ever hear me, keep my friends, family and church safe. i know bad christians probably has some like low priority thing on your prayer list, but at least keep me in line and answer my prayers k. and also, keep me safe. you know the condition my body is in now, so yah. I KNOW IT IS NOT H1N1.

Amen.

well, with that aside, one last line.

if we keep running, maybe we'll meet each other on the same road someday soon. until then, you'll never know.

and i'm still waiting for the day i can wear my bikini. rar. someone organize a beach outing soon please (but not too soon!) and i want a sweet, real boyfriend to take care of me. but i know that, we're not meant to be boy. unless you take the first step (again), we'll just hang in limbo till the day comes where either another girl catches your heart or another guy catches mine.