blogging from my dearest iPhone cause I didn't bring my laptop home. yeaps, last minute decision to come home for the weekend cause I think I need a break before the exams (which are next week!!) starts. this week, well, has been a tough one for many reasons. firstly, there was alot of conflict in my project group because some seniors who think that they knew better started condemning me because of some miscommunication. really wanna bitch about them, but a lady who is gracious knows when she has to stop being a bitch and start being a lady. and me, I'm going to be that lady and not lower myself to their level. I don't regret trying to resolve the conflict, but I do regret having gone down to their level because some people there obviously failed their English with a very huge F9 D8 - let's give her the benefit of doubt yah.

secondly, I had brushes with both life and death this week. once again the fragilty of life presents itself in front of me. and once again, I question life and love. why am I living? why do I love him the way I do? why does everyone tell me that it's/he's not worth it when I feel that it's one of the very things that I'm living for. this week, a close friend's uncle died after a brave battle with his illness. today, I celebrated by grandfather's, my last living grandparent's 90th birthday. death, and life. just one day apart. one, single day apart. how scary is that. made me evaluate my life again.

I know I'm doing alot of meaningful things like volunteer work and pursuing my dreams and passions. I empower myself to go after my dreams and I empower others to become leaders in their schools and in society. but at the same time, I put myself down and have alot of disbelief in myself. I allow myself to wallow in something that I've already lost and try to convince myself that I haven't lost it yet. is this really the life that I wanna live? one more thing to sort out/think about.

thirdly, when it strikes midnight, it'll be a week. and for now I just want to leave it at that. I don't want my emotions to take over cause I'm at home and home is not the safest space to show these feelings. and I'm not replying your tag for a while for the same reasons. I don't want my emotions to take over cause even though it doesn't really affect you, I still want to learn to be logical about things. two years, have taught me alot, I guess. sighs. but I still will say, imissyou. and just like this week, I'll live week by week. I hope that makes life easier somehow.

went for cellgroup yesterday and I'm really glad I saw korie there (which is rare cause he's already serving the nation). afterall, other than yh, he's the second person in the world who knows me the most. the moment I walked into the room, he knew I'd been crying. and he knew that I didn't want him to say a word or ask me anything. thank you God, for at least one person around me who knows the reason why I cry and will not condemn me for it. at least one person who will just let me cry and not try to give me solutions nor judge me, like those other friends have. thank you God, for both yh and korie.

but i thank God for all the other friends too. their condemning eyes of irritation and looks of "why can't she just get over him" made me stop crying in front of their presence. made me stop crying in public, period. because of them, i learnt that crying in public is a sign of weakness. a weakness that no one should know about. in another way, they made me grow stronger too.

today, went for part two of mentor training for project vibrant colours. by the middle of this week, i'll know which school I'll be assigned to. hope it's near NUS so that I don't travel too far for meetings with my kids. for the first few weeks, I'll have to meet the kids about every 4days to start them getting bonded and to bond with them too. as well as the teachers. today learnt skills as to how to bring them through the various stages of team-building as productively as possible. I'm excited cause I'll be meeting them next sat&sun! :) it's going to be a long 3months journey, but at the end, it'll be all worth it cause I'd have brought up 10more leaders for society.

so for them, for myself - I must be strong!
as much as possible, I'll try.

it's late. and I have church early in the morning and then it's going to the creamatorium to send off my friend's uncle and more importantly, to be there for her. MengChing, be strong! I'll be here for you. :)

and she finally broke down.
when she's not supposed to.
AND SHE WILL NOT EXPLAIN
CAUSE THERE'S NO EXCUSE
FOR BEING SO WEAK.
and so in love.

cause i love you so much
and as much as i love you, i hate myself.
because i'm so weak.
because i'm not supposed to
be yearning for you to be here
for me when i need
you.

because.
just because.

the only word that can describe my tummy now is - FULL!

today was a crazy day because i spent the whole day between slumdog millionaire, 海角七號 and my 5page report. finished slumdog millionaire by mid afternoon because it became my relaxation point while doing that horrendous report. and i think the film really deserved the Emmy Awards that it won because it was really spectacular. i especially loved the cinematography. as for the storyline, i was already familiar with it because i read the book "Q&A" by Vikas Swarup, which the movie was adapted from, when i was in J1 - one year after the book was published. i loved the movie's theatrical release poster which has the question "what does it take to find a lost love?" - which tells of one of the side stories that was not so obvious in the book itself. but on a side note, i don't think that the soundtrack for the movie was very fantastic, or maybe it's different tastes in music.

happily finished the report at about 7.05pm. and about an hour before that winson came to ask if i wanted to go out for dinner because we were celebrating RYOHEI's birthday (which is actually tomorrow). obviously i said yes and rushed to finish the last few paragraphs of my report. we went to HollandV to eat the Crystal Jade Buffet.

OMG. today i ate like SOOO much! had cereal for breakfast with extremely sweet soyabean milk. and for lunch i had sandwiches of egg and cheese. and dinner, omg. dinner was really a stuffer. the buffet was actually steamboat and free flow of xiaolongbao - which we were there for. because the buffet only starts at 8.30pm, we went to the nearby food center to sit. as we waited we had char kway teow and carrot cake (shared by 6ppl) and we drank sake. then when we went to the buffet, only 5 of us were left because keith had to go back to hall for a meeting. but it was still seriously filling because we had a total of 5baskets of xiaolongbao and at least 20 steamboat dishes plus a few appetizers. the food was okay. the xiaolongbao was heavenly. and we sneaked sake in to drink too! ryohei was the first to give up eating because he was super full. shereen and i were the second to give up cause we were too full too. only junghai and winson continued eating at full force. the other three of us did eat a little here and there after we stopped. :P but for the price we paid ($23), that was one good dinner.

alright! i'm halfway through 海角七號, and i'm not totally getting the story, but i think i will in about 10~20mins time. i'm streaming "he's just not that into you" (adapted from a self-help book?) as well as "camp rock" (disney channel movie. :P) and i don't think i can finish all of them tonight, but i've started to leave my computer turned on overnight. i did that last night cause all my research material was in the Safari windows and i didn't want to search for them again. tonight i will leave them open cause i streamed the movies already!

ooh. today i added nuffnang adverts to my blog to see if i can make some money from it. as well as an mp3 player with a few songs that reflect my recent moods. and i'm going to see if there are other things i can add so that people who come to my blog can maybe play with them and stuff like that. :D

OMG. for the first time in idk how many years, i actually dreamt while i was sleeping - and it was a nightmare at that. sighs. what an unfortunate thing. i dreamt that one day i walked to my house and tried to open the gate, but no matter how i tried, the key wouldn't fit in. so i rang the doorbell and out came someone i didn't know! i asked who that person was and he said he was the owner of the house. and i got a shock. i asked about the previous people who lived there and he said that there was none! he had been living there for over 40years! omgomgomg. that's very sad.

and that's also one of my fears - that i wouldn't have a home to return to. as it is, home is cold and empty. almost literally like a hotel cause when i'm at home, there's rarely anybody else. and in the future, i'm afraid that i won't find a home that i will call my own. i honestly don't want to live alone when i grow older. but i have a feeling that i'll never get married, unless it's ______ (go and guess yourself). so the next best thing is to cohabit with someone that loves me. and YES - i've told my mum already. she was a little shocked at first but she finished with the line "i kind of expected it to happen". it's alot like my nature, a little wild, carefree but at the same time if i know what i want, i'll know how to take care of myself and no one can change my mind - unless something major happens. so if that "something major" happens and one day i get married, that guy must be one goddamn wicked man. (*wicked is American slang for something/someone so damn extremely great that a positive word fails to express this greatness)

right, breakfast and then back to writing that nightmarish report. those people have gotten nicer and they've been offering to do things and what not crap. i thank God for it. cuts a load off my shoulders. i'm definitely NOT expecting an apology from them because it doesn't really matter. but what i don't like about what they are doing now is that they are giving excuses to justify themselves on why they were blatantly accusing me of things i've never done. EXCUSES DO NOT WORK WITH ME DEAR SENIORS. THEY ARE ONE OF THE THINGS THAT I HATE THE MOST. even though i give excuses at times, i'm trying not to give them anymore. it's called ACCOUNTABILITY for my own actions. i still do give excuses at times, i admit - but Man is never fallible. we are all learning.

i'm trying to decide what to eat for breakfast now. and then i've also decided that after writing the report, i'm going to watch slumdog millionaire and 海角七號 to reward myself for all the hard work i've done. going to stream them now! :D muahaha.

BYE! :P

i haven't eaten anything the whole day, except for some random cookies and a bowl of instant noodles. and at 12:53am, my tummy's rebelling and is starting to get gastric. can't do much cause i have to do the report that i am so irritated with. and i'm having dance practice in my room in hall. josh is giving me a break now. i'm learning the new dance through the webcam cause i couldn't make it down to the dance studio in time. THANK YOU JOSH! you're practically a life saver.

those people in the group are just too much. they FINALLY realized that they have been accusing me of things that were not true, and now they are being super nice. i can't stand people like them, but i haven't forgotten my new year's resolution. i'm still going to try to love them as much as possible - even when i am tempted to bitch about them or use the word directly on them, i will still try to love them.

*sings* what the world needs now is love, sweet love.

i am debating if i should run down to buy some supper from uncle vincent so that my tummy won't ache anymore. but i'm dancing and i won't be able to eat anyway. but i'm hungry. but it's too late to be eating. but i didn't eat anything the whole day. but it won't digest that fast. eh, i don't think you'll be sleeping early anyway.

okie, i shall go buy supper from uncle vincent! HCT! &. hmm. fries - too oily. naan - too much. porridge - YES! :D and then it's back to dance, and sighs. the stupid report which i'm extremely irritated with. not the physical report, but the people who are forcing it upon me and who are now pretending to be nice.

i hate love people like that.

- 2:30am - edit.
i ate some fries instead cause there was no more porridge. dance practice ended about half an hour ago and then i ate. and drank chrysanthemum tea. but my tummy still doesn't feel well. :( i think i feel a bout of acid reflux. maybe i should just go sleep. but i still have to do the report. sighs. nevermind. i'll continue the report tomorrow. i think i need a reminder to eat my meals. shucks. i was complaining about eating too much when bbff was around. now i wish bbff was around to nag at me and make sure i eat. meals are important, but i just forget them when i'm too engrossed in work. and then i substitute meals with random unhealthy things like cookies. sians. i will not think about it. and i will eat all my meals tomorrow (technically today) - by hook or by crook i'll stuff myself when i'm supposed to. :P

right. sleep and then wake up to the nightmare of writing a report. :(

sighs. it's been a super long day. morning, woke up for marathon training at 5am. the air was really cool and i guess it was worth it. 8am, had to be at the campsite to help out in the high elements training for a friend's company - and this was the scariest part of the day because i was lacking sleep and yet had to be on high alert. thank God that nothing happened to the kids i was looking after. and then after that, checked my email and wrote yet another long email to that group of people. i still feel that they are seriously unreasonable. but lucky i had my kids around to keep my spirits high.

6pm, dance rehearsal - i'm blogging on the bus now! :) and my spirits are slightly down. rushing to write a report with the perfectionist mindset that i have is not easy. i don't want to rush, but i have to because they want to look at it and change it before the deadline to send in the report. and it's rushing in the midst of so many things. i didn't have lunch so that i could write the report. and now on the bus, i was rushing the report again. but i just needed to blog to get my mind off. realize that i have to come out with charts and graphs too! honestly, i can just hand in the whole report with just nicole's and my name. no one else is freakin helping out! GROUP PROJECT PEOPLE. not i do a few surveys, collate results and quelyn does everything else.

BUT, i'm not going to think about it. i'm just going to go through this sh*t and if they are still going to be unreasonable about it, then i really don't know what else to do. suck it up and stick it through i guess. another life lesson on the people you work with. i think this semester isn't a very fantastic one. first it was the "best friend" incident and now, it's this group. sighs.


dance rehearsals will be till late because our performance is coming up. and we're learning a new latin-inspired dance today choreographed to the song "fragile" by sting. how coincidental that it was one of the songs i fell in love with from bbff's iMini. i think i'll have a good time learning the new choreo. and josh is still pissed at me for not turning up for practices. but i know you'll forgive me josh, cause you love me! :D

OMG. I TOTALLY NEED TO EXPLODE NOW!

HOW UNREASONABLE CAN OLDER PEOPLE GET. come on people who are reading, hear this and see if i'm getting angry for nothing. i just spent THREEhours in an online MSN project meeting discussion. it's 2:43am and you can guess what time we started.

firstly, a meeting at this unearthly hour about an academic paper is not exactly the most productive time.

secondly, we spent ONEhour clarifying what our focus should be. question after question (by me who will be writing a FIVEpage report by myself) was asked but with no proper answer. everyone else was unsure of what we were supposed to be doing. and then they asked me, who totally doesn't know anything and is trying to clarify, what i think the group should be focusing on. THROW THE QUESTION BACK AT THE ASKER! wow. incredible. and guess what, when i started bitching at the 57th minute mark, i got the answer i needed in 3mins. WOW. totally. incredible.

thirdly, the next TWOhours was spent trying to analyze the results of a survey we conducted. but obviously, people's brains were not working and they came up with analysis points that sounded like this... "more people spend more time with their phones than their computers. but people also spend more time surfing the internet. therefore, more people surf the net on their phone." and the survey results of people who use their phone to surf the internet = 13.33% HELLO! simple numbers. your inference is a PROVEN fallacy. can you tell me, how does one take this kind of nonsense at 2am in the morning and not get irritated?

fourthly, i shouldn't even be blogging now because of this point, but i have to because i can't sleep with all this irritation. I HAVE TO GET UP AT 4.30AM TO GO FOR TRAINING! i told the whole group openly at the ONE1/2hour mark. no one cared. i told them again at the end of our conversation. and they said, we all have our things too - yah. meeting at 2PM. hello. 4.30AM vs 2PM. can anyone see the difference?

and guess what, everyone decided that quelyn was a bitch and left the conversation in a huff. YES, I WAS BEING A BITCH ON PURPOSE BECAUSE IT GETS RESULTS. 57mins vs. 3mins. i'm result-oriented. and i'm very sure my EQ is up to standard. if you people who are so used to inefficiency cannot take it, i'm sorry. but i'm alot like my mother when it comes to academic work. strict, formal, straightforward, a total perfectionist. we hate people who cannot make sense when all the facts are place in front of them. we cannot stand people who think that they are right even when they are wrong - even when the cold hard facts are placed under them.

whatever.

i'm in a bitchy mode because it's what drives results from that group of girls who think that just because they are in year2&3 are cleverer than me in this aspect of the module. i mean, i'm not smarter than them. i probably only know as much as them because we're all taking the module together. and it's an exposure module. the most basic, which means they couldn't have taken higher level modules of this major.

IF YOU THINK THAT NICOLE AND I ARE VERY BULLY-ABLE BECAUSE WE ARE YEAR ONES, YOU GOT IT WRONG MY DEAREST SENIORS. YOU GOT IT SO WRONG. I PROBABLY WROTE MORE ACADEMIC RESEARCH PAPERS THAN YOU EVER HAVE IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. SO DON'T TRY TO ACT SO F- SMART WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW A SINGLE THING, AS YOU HAVE VERY CLEVERLY DEMONSTRATED IN THE CONVERSATION BEFORE.

i have training at 5am.
goodMORNING.

*screams in frustration wanting to type a few million more explicits*

hehes. it's so good to be home! :D cause when you're at home you get good food, unlike the crappy instant food and canned food that i eat in hall. sighs. but unfortunately i'll be leaving for hall in about an hour or so because we're painting the lounge! and plus i gotta go pay my phone bills. they're almost going to cut my line off. sighs. been so busy that i keep forgetting to pay my bills. note to self, find someway to remind self to pay bills on time. :P

right. nothing much happened since it's only like 11.22am. but i had a bad night. flu was killing me. it was actually there since last week, but i was eating medicine, not wanting to fall ill totally cause i wanted to spend a good time with bbff. the medicine stopped it from a full blown out i guess. BUT I'M BETTER NOW! :D

and oh, if you've found this blog again, you'd realize i changed the blog's URL. :D yeap. i think it's time to change and this place is going to get a new look very soon. i'm still deciding if i should do the emo-black and slightly sad one or find a colourful one. :D rights. going people!

i'll update soon.
love YOU!

i'm finally back at home for a full day of rest & relaxation today cause after that it's going to be a race to study or rather cram 6weeks of information into my brain. ate breakfast early today cause i got up at 8.30am and didn't feel like going back to sleep. i think today was really mundane cause all i did was Facebook and run some korean drama on the television. FB is a daily routine. the korean drama was kinda depressing in the beginning. now it's just plain boring.

highlight of the day! LUNCH - which was a total disaster cause i tried to cook soup for myself. vegetable cream soup the recipe read, but i think i got some random clearish soup in the end because i didn't read the list of ingredients first assuming that i would have everything i need at home. apparently, while cooking half way i realized i needed milk. well, i didn't have normal milk, just soyabean milk. and i thought, "ohwell, it's all the same cause it's milk." oh that thought was SOWRONG! nearly died eating the "soup" i cooked.

and now i'm down with the flu cause it's been raining the last three days, and i've been running around so much in and out of air-conditioned environments. plus, i haven't been able to sleep very well either. not in hall, not at home. something is always missing like my bolster or a stuff toy etc. ormaybeitsjustsomeone but i refuse to admit and succumb to that thinking. i want to turn off the fan but it'd be way too hot for me so the fan is at it's lowest already. AND IT'S STILL COLD! sighs. contradictions of the body when it's not feeling well.

someone's going to be home to cook dinner tonight. :D home-cooked food, finally. oh, and i'm scouting for a new blogskin. i think it's time to change.

finally, i have time to make a full and complete post. :)

so many things to update and i'm so afraid that i'll miss out some exciting thing that happened during the past week. what's most recent on my mind is the past two days of iChoose. and the conversation i just had with my brother about bicycles. oh, and the cryptic blog post before this one.

this week, i made memories.
and i'll never forget.

yupp, definitely a lot of them to last a lifetime. since it'll take a lifetime to return what you want to her, i made sure that i made enough memories in the week to last me a lifetime. i think enough said - i don't want to dwell on it too much because i already promised that i would try to see you just as a friend and nothing more. obviously, that will not always happen, but i will do my darnest to fulfill my promise - even though deep inside, i still want you to be with me. HAH.

i skipped lectures and tutorials the last two weeks because i wanted to spend more time with him, despite his & my crazily busy schedule. i cleared some days for him when i was planning my timetable, but at the end i still had to skip classes cause the days that i cleared was taken up by other people. sighs. but it's ok. loved the time at monster and carrefour with you. and seriously, i have not played pool for about a year and a half plus plus. but the next time we play, i'll trash you. :D or at least i'll try to. lols.

and i miss the mealtimes with you cause when you're not around, i go back to my old eating habits of no breakfast, heavy lunch and no dinner. and yes, the rare supper here and there. i miss you being around, and most of all your nagging. although nobody likes being nagged at, i like it when you do it cause it's one of the ways i can feel that you care for me. NAG AT ME MORE OFTEN OK. :D and it's not that i don't listen to you. it's just that sometimes so many things happen at the same time and there are so many things that you tell me. but i don't always have the time to process and execute what you have suggested. but i will try as much as possible.

going to the airport yesterday to send him off was one of the most stressful journeys that i made. a full day of training, church service, dance practice and then flying down to the airport in time to catch him before he checked-in. totally got a scolding from josh when i went back, but it was worth it. (he was super pissed cause beside not appearing for practice the last two weeks, i literally ran out of the dance studio screaming "i'll explain when i come back". hahas. didn't even change out of my costume and was wearing some silly black and white get-up.)

yeap. it was definitely worth it. seeing him off and not crying was one of the biggest challenges that i faced. because i know that once he leaves, i don't know when's the next time he's going to be back. and i don't know when's the next time i'll get an email from him or the next time i'll see him on msn. basically, i don't know when i'll have contact with him. he's busy with his studies, home, work and of course, his priority is her. i'll probably be one of the last things on his mind - I GUESS. correct me if i'm wrong BBFF. :D



this week, i made choices.
and i will stay committed.

OMG. i just totally don't know where to start. from life to love to what i'm going to do and what i'm inspired to do, i made so many different choices this week. so many that, i think i might leave somethings out. BBFF once said to me that he was inspired by the amount of things that i do and the way i used my time. i'm honored and i thank you BBFF. :D but after he said that i made a choice. a choice to inspire my siblings that way too. being the eldest, i always have the power to inspire the younger ones because i am their role model. but lately because i've been living in hall, i haven't been using my life as an inspiration to them. if i can use my life to motivate them to reach out for their goals, i would have done what i was born to do.

another choice i made was during the training yesterday - that i would connect with my parents, no matter how hard it is. my daddy is ALWAYS MIA. and my mummy is always so strict and formal. because of the way they are, i always have a lot of freedom to do what i want to and spend my time however i want to. but i miss, and in fact, i want something that vaguely resembles family time. yes, i'm not as superwoman-ish as i seem to be. if even superman needed dreams, superwoman still needs family. so i'll try to "spend" more time with them by calling them especially when they are away so often.

of course, the biggest choice i made this weekend was to be committed to be a mentor in PVC2. it's not going to be an easy three month journey because i'll be sacrificing a lot to mentor in this project. i won't be able to have as much time together with my friends as i like. i won't be able to study as much i'd like. i won't have as much leisure time for myself as i'd like. really, the sacrifice is just so great. plus, my own self-doubt. yesterday during training, i was having so much trouble because i couldn't believe in myself. i didn't find a concrete reason to be sitting there, on a saturday morning when i could have spent a bit more time with him, when i could be with N415, when i could be dancing. but, i've found my reason already.

PVC2 is important to me because it is my challenge for 2009. i am not just going to be passionate about inspiring and impacting the lives of the 10kids who will be with me. i will change my own life and beliefs about who i am and what i can do. it's about rediscovering my life, stepping back into reality and learning to overcome my own emotions. it's also about letting go and trusting people again. PVC2 is important not just because it's for charity, but also it's because i get to be a part of that learning and changing process that the kids will go through, and that i myself will go through.

in three months time, nothing's going to be the same ever again.

in summary, iChoose to...
#1 listen to what BBFF says and take action
#2 use my life as an example to inspire my siblings & others
#3 spend more time with my parents
#4 commit to PVC2 wholeheartedly for the next three months

there are days in your life when you feel you did something different - and you're proud of it. and there are other days in your life where you were happy because you made a memory with someone. and then there are days in your life where somethings so powerful happened - and it changed your life.

this week, was a powerful one. i made memories. i made choices.

and i know that i'm changing lives. not just mine alone, but my mentor's, my buddies, as well as the youth whom i'll be working with in two weeks time. i just ended a journey with yh. and now i'm starting another one with 10kids from idk which school in singapore yet. but, we as a team are going to impact the lives of others.

BBFF said that my life was inspirational to him.
now, i'm going to move on to inspire 10 others. who in turn will be learning to inspire another few 100people.

passion is contagious - when you really believe in what you can do.

woke up for my 9am tutorial today. and i'm in lecture now, obviously half listening only because i'm blogging. slept at about 1plus in the morning and i'm very proud that i could wake up for my tutorial. :D put my alarm clock at three different timings to do so though. but this morning it was easier and harder to get up i guess. easier because i didn't really want to stay in bed any longer. harder because the room suddenly felt so big and empty, most of all, lonely.

my brain was clear by probably 7am because of all the ringing that the alarm was making and it got me thinking a lot. of what happened the past few days, the past few weeks. and i realize one thing, maybe i've gone too far in some things that i did and somethings that i said. suddenly i feel that i've been putting too much pressure on BBFF. i don't know if he thinks so, but i feel i did because i went overboard on pressing my point that i love him. well and fine that i don't mind telling the whole world, but i guess it must have been pressurizing to be reminded everyday.

but after today, i won't say it.
i won't say iloveyou anymore.
because i don't want to pressure you
because i don't want to push my opinion on you

for now, ilovemybbff.
that's it. :D

dinner at 11.57pm. TOTALLY INSANE. but i needed to eat cause i was starting to have signs of gastric, which would be worse than eating dinner at 11.57pm. actually i did eat just now, but not much though. BUT! i'm very happy with how i spent my day. :D skipped all my lessons to be with BBFF. went to monster cue to play pool. got totally owned by him, but i profess that i'm not a very good player. lols. and then went shopping with him to get some "groceries" to bring back to aussieland. bought a book and drank STARBUCKS! total enjoyment.

BBFF, no thanks needed.
i did it willingly cause
that's about all i can do for you.

imissyoualready.

yes, that's definitely what i'm feeling at 1.30 in the morning. i thought alot about some things that was bothering me. and the results that i churned out was horrifyingly scary. and i'm afraid. but i cannot blog about it. i cannot talk about it either. and it frustrates me.

for the first time in my life
i'm actually afraid of something
because i know exactly what i'm thinking
and those thoughts scare me.

4th post in a span of like 5hrs. i totally need a life.

i've been sitting at the deck since 2pm, blogging, watching the crowds pass by. and then thinking about the coming week and how much I NEVER WANT THE 21ST OF FEB TO COME. probably won't be able to see him off cause i've got mentor's training the whole day at idk where. and it's probably a good thing cause, i'll probably cry like shit-ake mushrooms cause i know how much :( i will be feeling. if that send off two years ago was that way, it'll still be the same this time round. i miss you. imissyou. i miss you. *screams* *screams* *screams* it's not frustration. it's not excitement. it's just :(

IJUSTDONTWANTTHATDAYTOCOME!

and i promised him that i won't emo.
omg. what kind of promise is that.
ARGH~

AH. Screw. i'm going to go on a water fast for the next few days, maybe tomorrow and wednesday cause i think all that alcohol and food has been screwing my body up already. and i'm not going to drink alcohol or caffeine for like the next million two months or so, depending on my mood. maybe social drinking, but no more hardcore alcohol sessions. NOT EVEN ON LADIES NIGHT. sorry girls, it's my turn to play mummy hen. :P

was doing some research (when i'm supposed to be studying french, even now... ) on why my tummy would be feeling funny and after thinking back about what i've been doing the past week, i concluded that i ate too much (esp. after BBFF came back, i've been eating EVERYSINGLEMEAL. supposedly good for me, but my body's not used to it yet), drank too much (duh.) and i'm having a very acidic tummy. no more cold water for me. :( and i got BBFF to help me buy antacids to neutralize all the acid floating around. water fast is to detoxify the liver that is probably dying from all the drinking.

BLEAH. tummy's been feeling damn crappy the past few days, even before i went drinking. i don't know if it's because i've been eating too much or if it's because the medicine i'm taking is screwing my body system around. but it just sucks. and the worse thing is NOTHING HELPS! drinking cold water doesn't help. drinking hot soup helps for like 2seconds. drinking chinese tea makes it worse. drinking those cooling herbal brews doesn't work either. having an empty stomach makes it worse cause it adds gastric pains. having a full stomach doesn't help either cause it's painful from the bloated stomach feeling.

all i have to say is that life is getting more exciting because friends are becoming more exciting as well. in a good way or bad way, i'm not going to say. and i'm not going to bitch about it because some things need to be private for now. but this is going to be one super exciting journey. HAH.

i know you care, i know you never want to see me fail or fall. but somehow, i always trip myself up and end up disappointing you. argh. and it hurts to know that i did. be it on MSN, a text or whatever way you express yourself to me, every time i see that word, it tears me apart and tears down everything i have ever built up. because what you say and what you feel means so much to me. i know it was a choice on my part - that's what life is about, choices. and when life comes around and i can hardly breathe, i always choose to walk down the wrong choice.



i know it may count for nothing to you
because it's just words, but,
i'm sorry dear, for disappointing you
once again.

i'm watching sunday morning service online because i'm feeling very sick now. but the moment that line was sung, i started crying. i hate myself like this. crying at everything that touches my heart. crying at everything that hurts. i don't want to cry, but i couldn't help it. being strong for too long is tiring. i want someone to lean on.

been throwing up since i woke up at 7am because i screwed myself over yesterday night. losing myself to my emotions, finally after i don't know how long of suppressing everything that bothered me. yesterday i just let myself get totally drunk. my first, and last experience in that way. i swear. but the experience was so surreal and i'm glad it happened. now i know why people will pay money to get themselves wasted. the feeling there and then is one of total nothingness. you forget everything for that respite of time. and you don't feel anything at all. still conscious, yet unconscious.

BUT I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN. I SWEAR.
cause the aftermath is just totally crazy.
i won't be eating anything today i guess.
stomach's just totally rebelling.

random#1
I NEED TO GO SHOPPING FOR CLOTHES!

lols. cause i was looking through my cupboard for something to wear. and couldn't find anything.

random #2
everyone seems to be looking for me this morning! :D
i got 23 missed calls and about 12 messages.
but no one wants to be my valentine.
LOLS.

random #3
i suddenly don't feel like clubbing tonight
but i promised my girls already
and quelyn keeps promises.

random #4
i haven't eaten breakfast
not going to have time to eat lunch.
but i'm going to have a great dinner w Phuturites. :D
i think they're going to book some restaurant
but i don't think they'll get a place. :P

random #5
i feel like riding the singapore flyer
but i don't have a date to go with me
:(

omg really damnn random.
i think it's the boredom setting in.

BYEBYE!
& HAPPYVALENTINES'

yey! my rose count officially went up again yesterday night. :D this morning i found another rose (from my dearest KANG!) and yesterday i got a sunflower from LYNETTE sweets! totally loving this valentines' cause last valentine, i only got one rose. randomly, I MISS VALENTINES' DAY IN NANYANG! hahas. i remember that year when i organized the Vday event, i was so damn stressed because there were so many things that were going wrong. but at the end of the day, all the stress and worry paid off because the event was a total success, and i had manymanymany flowers (which were dried and are still in my room! :D).

going to cellgroup later and we just implemented a month long angel-mortal game. and my mortal is... NOT GOING TO TELL YOU. like duh. hahas. and i've prepared a very nice Vday present for him. and it was super last minute, so i'm very proud of myself for being able to get it done. after cg, it's dinner with my Phuture babies and then we're clubbing Valentines' away. celebration of singlehood for them, form of escapism for me. what am i escaping from - the empty bed back home. this year especially, it'll feels worse to spend Vday alone because you're so near yet so far. but ohwell, it's not actually much of a problem. lols. :D i'm glad that i have my girls to spend it with me.

argh. missed dinner at the comm hall cause i fell asleep. so i ate some disgusting MSG-filled pasta. bleah.

but oh well. it was a nice and peaceful sleep to the music of BBFF's iMini. hahas. drifting into dreamland thinking about someone gives you nice dreams. i wonder if you fall asleep thinking of her and then dreaming of her. whatever it is, she's one very lucky girl. suddenly i remembered what you said this morning, about me wishing to be in her place. honestly, i will say that i don't want to be in her place. because what's important is that you are happy and blissful.

愛她吧。我們之間，你所忘記的，我會幫你記住你的份。

yah. i know i'm weird. you don't have to remind me. :D
but that's the way i am. and this is happiness to me.
in the most simplistic, abstract (and perhaps even sadistic) form.
of course i wish for other things, but, now's not the time.
but i'm glad i told you cause now, i don't have to hide. :)

and i still miss you.



sleep, oh sleep.
why does thou beckon?
*falls onto bed again*

- add on edit -

rawr! got woken up by a knock on my door. but it was a nice surprise.
i received the sunflower that i wanted to give to one of my girls.
PLUS A ROSE FROM WINSON! AHHH!
thankyou thankyou. i know that life wouldn't be as fun without me. :)
heh. didn't expect to receive any roses this year, but but but!!
i got one from tommy ytd night.
another one from convening comm.
a whole bouquet from some random person.
and now one more from winson!
HAPPY. :D
but i'll still be spending valentines' single. :P

I FEEL SO LUCKY TODAY! :D

#1
told BBFF what i thought about many many things, and it's like RELIEF MUCH. i know that nothing much will come out of it anyway, but it's good that i got it off because IHATEKEEPINGSECRETSFROMMYBBFF. i mean, if it were the me in the past, those words would NEVER have come out of my mouth because i'd keep it in me forever and ever and ever till death. but now that i'm much more straightforward, i just shoot what i think. and it's a good thing i guess. but BBFF, DON'T KEEP ASKING ME TO FIND A BF. you know it will never happen. or maybe it will, like 30years from now. IDK! hahas.

and i miss you already.

#2
OH, this is super surprising. just take a look at the picture below and you'll know what i mean. but it's also a little scary because it means i have a stalker! even though he's sweet, but he knows exactly which faculty i'm in, my middle name, what modules i'm taking this semester and he knows WHERE I STAY! omg. it's damn scary. i thought it would be someone whom i knew, but the number that sent the messages is one that i don't recognize. and when i call, it says that the number is NOT IN USE!! like scary much. but whoever you are, thank you for the flowers and the very sweet message that came along with it. i can't say i love you because firstly, i don't know you and secondly i'm in love with someone else. so don't even try. if you want to, we can be friends, if you reveal yourself first. hahas.





SWEET RIGHT!
too bad i don't know who you are.
and i think the only one i'll keep is the pink rose.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

officially quelyn's slack session time. :P since i had some time today, i went to visit my old blogs just to reminisce and look at the things that i was going through at that time. and as i move from blog to blog, i see how much i've grown. i hate it, but love it at the same time i guess. it's good to grow up and it means that i'll have more control over my life. hahas. i actually feel like emo-ing now because the one i love is somewhere nearby, but he loves me not. ironic. HOWEVER. i know i can't because i have so many more things to complete. life's not just about love. it's about a myriad of other things as well. the difference is that, i don't have anyone to share my success and failures with. ohwell. tomorrow night, PHUTURE BABIES COME OUT TO PLAY! we're going to dance valentines' day away. i need the dancing luhh. ever since BBFF came back i've been eating soooo much! sighs.

list of things to do:
- go running
- finish dance choreo
- clean my room
- FRENCH TEST!
- bring BBFF for Ivans and Ayam Penyat.

right, not many things to do now though.
SLACK FOR A WHILE MORE.
i'm sleepy cause i woke up too early.
and then i fell back asleep.
and missed tutorial...
but it was worth it. :D

hello dear all! i'll still be blogging but i'm not publishing my posts till the end of this month. i may still post one or two, but majority of them will be up at a later date. :D

seeya!

what am i doing blogging at this hour? yeah. skipped lecture to finish up hall stuff so that i can go out with BBFF tonight. the sky's threatening to rain, so my brain is now running at 100miles perhour to think up of a contingency plan to what i wanted to do with BBFF tonight. but i still have to blog. so many feelings running in my brain, in my heart. but i cannot say them directly to him.

when i saw him standing on the streets, even though i was on the phone, i suddenly saw myself at the airport again. two years changes much, but maybe not everything. i remember his friends, his parents. i remember the people that i knew and i recalled the people that i didn't know. suddenly that whole street was filled with people saying goodbye. and i didn't tell him. but i almost broke down there and then even though i sounded happy.

getting accustomed to his presence made me realize how blessed i was when he was with me. it hurt, it scarred. but i don't deny that i loved and felt loved by the person who made me see past many things, who gave me a new perspective in life and of life. these two years, it was what he said that got me through many obstacles and difficulties. every time he said those words that mattered, i felt very hurt. not because he was interfering with my life but because i missed him terribly. but my defence mechanism was to hurt him back.

suddenly, i feel so dumb for doing that. hurting him, isn't it the same as hurting myself?

having him around brought back a lot of happy memories and i'm glad that i have this time with him. now, i feel blessed and happy, just to be able to spend time with him. so many things i want to tell him. so many things i want to do for him. but so little time to express everything that i want to. i'm glad that we shared what we did, because to honestly tell you, BBFF, i've been waiting for this day for 2years. there's no one i'd rather belong to. even though i know that you're not mine anymore, and that you don't love me in that way anymore, i'm just glad to have you around.

i won't say much today cause i've been really busy with loads of stuff from school work to a certain BBFF. but here's one song that summarizes everything from all the silly situations that i've been in recently. it doesn't refer to any particular person. and it's up to my readers to interpret. love you all.

it hurts because i know we can never be the same again
it hurts because i don't know how to fully trust you again
it hurts because i feel that sometimes you're not being true

it hurts because i knew from the start you'd do it


it hurts because i don't know when you're tears are real


i know that in the end you'll hurt him


i know that you are imitating me because

well, i guess that things have finally blown over. we talked, we understood and then we realized that, it's really friendship that will last till the end. the boys are simply not that worth it to break a friendship over. sometimes i still doubt, but the little girl in me just wants to believe the best of everybody. that everybody by nature is born good. 人之初，性本善. as humans, we inevitably will hurt people. i'm sure i personally have hurt some good people out there.

well, things haven't been going too well with the family. things have been going on, people getting sick and all that. i really just want to see everybody live a long and healthy life. don't get sick, and don't go back to heaven either please. please. God leave them here on earth, can?

BBFF is in singapore. i almost forgot because there's been so much to do with hall, school and my very important and filled up social life. i miss all my girls every single dayyy. KANNNG - like even though we're in the same hall, we feel so far away from each other. sad. POKKK - i have lit lectures with you every wednesday, but we always turn up LATE! hahas. MICHHHH - omg. i love you even though you stay in the hall that all shearites want to just bash. :P BEEEEEEEKKKK - totally love you the most! our beek ring is just so adorable! WE WILL GO VISIT BEEK ONE DAY! coolio!

alrighty. i almost lost my matric card last night. like the cab was dark and i couldn't see any thing when i was paying the fare. and when i went to the washroom, i totally freaked out because my matric card was not there! let me tell you how important my matric card is. it is my student identification, my library card, and most of all MY HALL & ROOM CARD! like if i lose it, i don't need to go "home" already. yeap. my home away from home sheares. BUT BUT BUT. the cabbie uncle was very nice. he found the card and sent it back to me. THANKYOUUNCLE!! even though i don't know you but, THANKYOU!

okok. cellgrp later and then steamboat with N415/mak-merv-veron birthday! the FEB BABIES!

thought it through.
and then thought it through.
and then again thought it through.

honestly in my mind, there are some thoughts
and i don't want to say them out loud to you
because i don't want to spoil this friendship
i really love you as a friend and i treasure it
but i really really got hurt because of you
i want to say somethings to you, however
i know that if it's not true, then i'll be hurting you

CONFUSED. this is f-shit.
why the hell did it happen in the first place?
why? whyy? whyyy? I DON'T UNDERSTAND!
everyone tells me that it's not an excuse to be high.
but i want to believe you cause you're my friend.
but i doubt myself at the same time.

I HATE THIS PART RIGHT HERE.
RIGHT HERE. I HATE IT.

GOD, WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS?
WHAT KIND OF TRIAL OR TRIBULATION IS THIS??
WHY IN THE WORLD DO YOU PUT ME THROUGH THIS KIND OF TORTURE?

IT HURTS LIKE HELL.
IT HURTS WORSE THAN HELL.
I'D RATHER BE IN HELL THAN GO THROUGH THIS PAIN.
WHY DID YOU PUT ME THROUGH IT?

i don't want to say anything to you
because i want to forgive you
and i know that i hate that part
i really can't take your tears
so i'd rather you don't cry.

i'd rather cry myself
then let my bestie cry.

i'm cold-blooded when it comes to boys
i'm the most hard-hearted player in the club
OR RATHER THAT'S WHAT I USED TO BE.

now, i'm warm-blooded when it comes to boys
i'm even more warm-blooded when it comes to my girls
i'm soft-hearted and i don't really play anymore
i'm soft-hearted because i found him
AND THAT'S WHY I'M IN PAIN NOW.

for the first time in 19years, i stick to my newyearsresolutions
and I GET HURT BECAUSE I STUCK TO THEM.
aren't newyearsresolutions supposed to make life better?

about her. my thoughts are more or less settled.
about him. i really don't know what to think.
i would like to not think about it.
but i can't because it has to be settled.
if not, it would cause even more pain and misery.
to me.

i'm quite tired. don't mind my ranting because i just need to find an outlet to say it all out. it's complicated and tricky because there's friendship and a boy involved. complicated shit. i hate it when i have to deal with these kind of situations. i honestly don't know what i'm feeling inside, but i know that whatever happens in the end. it will always be my friendship with my girl over the boy. always. never had and never will there be an exception.

the smell of his scent still lingers, lingers in my hair. it makes his presence even more real for this moment. but inside, i wish i had never met him again. i wish that you had just been left in the past, cause that's where you're suppose to belong. right now, it feels so right yet so wrong. so right to be liking you. so wrong to be liking you right now. i thought it was over. it's been so long ago. and people like me, we don't have the ability to love for long. or at least that's what we live by. but for whatever reason, you stayed on. i hate it. i hate it that you stayed on. there's almost no way you can become "just a club boy" anymore. i know i'm the girl you look for only in the club because i dance well. or maybe because you just want her. but boy, i don't want you to get hurt. it'll be even more painful than not having you because i know that it would almost be my fault if you get hurt. no, don't get me wrong. i'm not wanting you to be my boyfriend. that's something too far-fetched already because i don't really know you. but i just care for you more than i should, that's the feeling in me. and in any case, you wouldn't be able to be my boyfriend because of what one of my friends used to tell me.





you'll never be my boy if you're not brave enough to climb that tree.

today was one of the days that i haven't had in a long time - where i feel like just breaking down into tears and crying my heart and soul out till there is nothing left in me. i feel so demoralized about so many things at the same time and i'm almost scared to even look up and out into that bigger world in front of me because, i just don't know what's the next step i should take. how should i deal with this situation, how should i talk to that person. i know how i should do it, but i know that the person is not going to take it very graciously. they all hate me already. and dishonestly, i will say that i don't care. honestly, i will say that it's affecting me a lot. so many things. hah. i pray that i could forget them all, so that life could be happier. but then again, it is a growing process too. so maybe i should try to enjoy it as much as possible. sounds sadistic.

wheee, something i did while i was bored doing French homework. :D

"Like all firstborns, you enjoy taking charge. The nice thing about having younger brothers and sisters is that you work well with both men and women. You excel in leadership roles both on the job and socially. Your friends look up to you for direction, and boy, do you love to give it! Sometimes they think you’re a little too bossy, so try to let them have some say in what you’re going to do. When it comes to men, you love creative guys who can think outside the box. Your best match is a lastborn, especially if he has older sisters. Middleborns with older siblings close in age are also good matches because they’ll have the kind of fun-loving personality you need to balance your rather conservative, dominant, strict temperament. Firstborn guys pose more of a challenge because they’ll want to take control themselves, but you can make even these relationships succeed by working side by side with them on various projects, such as buying a house, planning a vacation or setting up a business. You have the same birth order as Oprah Winfrey. Your best celebrity love match is Johnny Depp."

wheee! byees. back to French. HAHAS.