244th post - the last one of year 2008.

i got an unexpected call from Jeriah yesterday night. i think it's been about a year plus since i left J'Crowd and i haven't been back since. after breaking up with my ex, i couldn't go back to my old life cause i knew how much i had let God down. but his call last night might be a sign of me being able to get back together with my dearest J'Crowd. i really miss them much. N415 is great, they are my new family. but sometimes i think of J'Crowd. afterall, i was their pioneer batch and i served, loved, laughed and cried together with them. i realize that i'm not very close to many of them anymore. but i miss them a lot.

so i'm glad to say that i'm spending New Years Eve with them. :D

this week is on hell of a soul-searching week. prompted by what yh said and by the fact that it's the end of the year, i thought i better do something to straighten out everything before the new year. another approximately 35hours to the new year. in the last 35 hours, i'm going to be busy with hall stuff. in the last 24hours i'm going to be busy calling sponsors for the event that we have coming up soon. and for the last 12hours, i'll be working at the bar, ending what began as a part time job that became a full time love affair. wow. but i'm still going to be lonely because i'm not spending time with family, nor friends, nor enemies. i know that i'll be spending the first few hours of Jan1 working. then drinking my favourite beer at BoatQ or some other place where i can see the sunrise - by myself mostly. because 2009 is going to be a year of straightening out all my wrongs. learning to be at peace with God, myself and others. learning what it really means to be Miss Independent. learning what it really means to stop being a playgirl.

#1 excuse for year 2008: "they're putting too many expectations on me!"

yupp. and it's true. i have to be the perfect daughter, the perfect girl, the perfect sister, the perfect student, the perfect this and that and whatever else i can be perfect at. you know what, I'M FREAKIN NOT PERFECT! NO ONE IS! SO GET THAT IN YOUR BRAIN AND MAKE SURE IT PROCESSES! stop expecting me to do the impossible. all of you who are expecting me to be perfect, why not YOU be perfect first, then you come and tell me to be your perfect whatever. why do you put your expectations on me. your time is OVER! you didn't fulfill your dreams, don't put them on me. i have my own dreams to fulfill, so GET A LIFE! i have mine to live. in 2009, i'm going after what i want. no more of what you want. if you have an unfulfilled dreams, FULFILL THEM YOURSELF!

#1 wrongdoing for year 2008: being a playgirl

yes, this might come as a surprise to almost 90% of people because this side of me only comes out during certain times of the day and at certain periods of the year. this is not something new because i've been at it for slightly more than a year. it was my revenge. because a certain boy hurt me 2years ago, i cried till i was tired and decided that i would cry no more. instead, i'd put my pain on every single guy who dared cross my path. obviously all of them were strangers because i don't touch the guy friends around me. i admit that being a playgirl was fun. boys were toys and nothing more. because i felt that i was toyed with before, i did the same thing to the rest of the boys who came my way. i applaud all of them for their courage, but now i also say sorry for breaking your hearts. i realized that this joy was temporal because every time i broke a heart, it would come back three times more to me later and then i'd have to break more hearts to stop the pain. i'm not heartless even though i pretend to be. but in 2009, i'm not playing anymore. for one, i don't want to be a bad girl anymore. two, i think i fell in love with someone i was playing with. three, he broke my heart cause he knew i was playing with him and yet he still let me. four, it broke my heart again to know that i hurt someone that i liked. the same old shit happens. i always hurt the boys that i love, intentionally, or unintentionally. BUT IT'S FREAKIN NOT GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN. i don't want to go through the pain again. twice, is more than enough.

#1 blessing of year 2008: God!

enough said. it's self-explanatory. :D

#1 conflict of year 2008: ironically, with God

for the whole year i was searching for Him, but i didn't find Him. it fell into a love-hate relationship because i knew that He was blessing me continuously, like hall fees and school fees being covered by my aunt and people around me blessing me when i'm in need and the things around me going as smoothly as they can go. because i knew He was there but couldn't find Him nor feel Him, i started to grow distant. then i realized that i was being a bad girl and started feeling worthless. korie tried to help by telling me stuff, but it didn't really work because i didn't understand how things were working. thank God for the message on Sunday. now the #1 conflict has become the #1 blessing.

#1 best thing that happened in 2008: doing many firsts!

first time i had a job, first time i sang live to an audience, first time i went to auditions, first time i bartended, first time i stepped into Uni life, first time i got a CAP, first time i stayed in hall, first time i did so many CCAs at one time, first time i went to 5camps in 1month!, first time i looked after a whole level of guys, first time i danced like there's no tomorrow, first time i ran a marathon, first time i ran 2 TWO 10k marathons within a month, first time i got water baptized, first time i felt like i belonged, first time i called sponsors, first time i joined Rag, first time i had so much fun collecting donations during flag because i was with my Raggers. OMG. the list can go on, but my hands are already tired from typing so much!

#1 pasttime of 2008: SHOPPING!

i cannot tell you how much i shopped this year and how many new clothes and shoes i bought. hahas. i'd take pictures of all of them, but i can't cause there's just so many. i almost threw out my whole old wardrobe because there was no space for my new clothes! (and i have TWO wardrobes! can you imagine how many clothes that is!)

hahas. well. i can't think of anything else right now. :D
see ya'll soon.
maybe in 2009!
<3

241st post - random remark because i saw the notification on Blogger.

well, two more days to the new year! how exciting can that get. but guess what, i'm not going to spend New Year's Eve clubbing. in fact, i'm bartender-ing for the place i used to work at earlier this year. can't wait to get back into that atmosphere cause it's just a place where i like a lot. reminds me of late nights serving customers, closing and then drinking the rest of the time away, playing jenga when we're all high or drunk, and me always winning cause i'm the most sober one. LOLS.

been thinking much the past few days. i realize that there's someone i want but cannot have. because of our religious backgrounds, because of our age, because of our lifestyle, because, simply because we are in different stages of our lives and it'll never work out unless, we both are willing to make huge, huge sacrifices. but i can't sacrifice my religion. that's the one thing that is the biggest obstacle. and, my biggest saving grace as well. this week's service really put my thinking into perspective again.

i know a lot of my leaders read my blog and, please, continue thinking what you want to, i really don't care. you know why. cause the only one i really care about now is God. i don't care what you think of me. i see your eyes looking at me with disdain, disgrace, dislike. and it was because of all that. yes. that's why i turned away from church, time after time. because you simply judge based on what you do not know. humans are judgmental, i understand. keep it that way, because that is reality.

i realize that even after korie brought me back to church, i had a choice to stay or to go. i stayed because of korie in the beginning. then later, i stayed because i wanted to find the God that i knew. but then, i realize that life outside my relationship with God was just as tempting. i went into it and am still in it. because it's addictive. because it fulfills all the temporal needs that i have. because it gives me the appreciation that i don't get in church, in hall, in my family, from the people around me.

now, i'm moving into that grey area in between. because i want to be secular and have fun, yet i want that relationship with God. the past month, i've been living two lives. one in the day and one at night. it was fun. but it's getting tiring now. i want to have fun and yet not be tired. is that even possible? nope. it's not. i have to choose one and keep the other somewhere else. but i like the vices i got into. i like the feeling of being rebellious and naughty, because i never got to do all those things when i was younger. i grew up under stress of the family business, family matters, school responsibility, the expectations of others. where was a 12 year-old to find fun in such huge responsibilities? it made me a better person, but a lonely lacking child.

shoot. i think i may just need someone professional to start seeing me. i'm too complicated, even for myself. i envy those who had a simple childhood. you may have been poor or rich. you may have had a hard life, or an easy one. but at least you completed your childhood happy. i wish i could turn back time, and be more rebellious.

the end of the year is coming soon and i have to decide which path i want to walk in 2009. but, till now, i'm not sure which road is the right one for me. the good girl who's responsible, but insecure and lost, unsure of what the next step is. or the party girl who's reckless, but confident and straightforward, knowing what she wants. as i write this post, i'm the "good girl" who doesn't know what to do. 

i know, i know that i shouldn't feel this way cause it was wrong from the start. but, i just can't help it. the surroundings numbed the feeling. but now, i just find myself in between emotions. i told myself that i'll give it two days to settle. two days to pig out, to cry on the pillow, to emo. and then, it's back to normal because there's so many things that i have to do. 

i had a blast of a Christmas party. but, i didn't get my christmas wish to come true because he broke it today. i knew it would turn out like this, but i didn't think that it would be today. i wish i could turn back time and do it again. but i'm happy because at least, i don't regret having him in my life. we're still friends because he's not looking yet. and for me, it's not time for me to have someone yet because there's too many things that i have to settle now.

I'M FINALLY HOME!! 

just visited the NYJC website again because i felt like having a bit of nostalgia in this period of Christmas. read through the 31stSC's blog and saw a few very familiar photos, like the messy council room and the late nights spent painting banners or just having meetings. i miss my 29th like crazy. but i also came across the NYSB's webpage (url attached for you friend.) and it really bought back a whole lot of memories. the very first year of coverage was 2006, and the articles and photos brought back a lot of memories. yes, memories. that's what they are finally becoming. after two years of struggling with them, i've finally made them into happy memories of us. i remember that i went to the most number of concerts i had ever been to in a year. but since then, i've never been to a real live symphonic performance because i didn't want to step into the concert halls. i didn't go to dhoby ghaut for almost one and a half years. but i'm finally going there tomorrow, to conquer whatever's been stirring in me. 

started work at Subway yesterday. it was quite fun, but really tiring. i'm starting to stand independently again because i don't want to be looked down on. just did laundry and i'm really beat. going to sleep now. nights. :D

had Ne-Yo's "So Sick" stuck in my head all day long. i know why, but i'm trying to tell myself that i don't know why the song is stuck in my head. when you want to forget something, you try to convince yourself otherwise, remember. hahs. like it really works. sense the sarcasm in it.



if there's one thing the commercials got right, it's the line "the men don't get it". i'm getting sick and tired of playing around and flirting and doing things that i shouldn't really be doing.

but i haven't gotten over the last one, and i haven't found a suitable new one. it doesn't make sense at all because all this time, i kept thinking that i was over it. but i realized that i spent 365days trying to get him to hate/pity me. and then i spent another 365days trying to convince him that i was over him. but one thing i failed to do was to convince MYSELF. how, screwed? i mean, he's moved on, got a new life, new friends, new girlfriend, new environment. so why the heck am i still moping around here? i honestly don't know. all i know is " 我只知道爱上了 那就是爱上了 没有疑问 / 只要爱一个人 用尽全力去争 / 不管爱情有多残忍 不管你笑我笨 / 不管爱多残忍 我比谁都认真".

LOVING someone for a few months i realize is harder to put down than have a CRUSH on someone for 5years. really, now, that crush is the older brother that i never had. but my ex is the lover that i'll never have again. and he tells me he doesn't care if i listen and a few lines later he tells me to pick myself up. what am i suppose to make out of that yh? what am i suppose to make out of it? as a friend, do you care or do you not? YES, I ADMIT THAT MY COMPLEX MIND CANNOT READ THE DIFFERENT SIMPLE SIGNALS THAT YOU ARE SENDING. but i just need you to realize that i don't know what i should think of you as, even after two years. my head tells me "friend", but somewhere deep inside, i know that's a lie from the pit of hades. right now all that i'm doing is covering myself up more and more, to try to forget. everytime i blog to say that i'm alright, I'M NOT! i was just trying to convince myself that i am.

i'm busier that ever, but emptier than ever
i go to the club to find empty love from the guys there
i run long distances to stop myself from crying
i surround myself with bears to fill the space you left behind

really, i don't expect you to understand.
because i myself don't understand.
because you don't have any feelings for me anymore.
because you left already knowing that there's
someone else you wanted to love, or maybe not.
but a girl has her instincts.
i knew there was another girl, even though you didn't.
because you were my life, practically my world,
every little change that happened in your heart and mind was so obvious to me.

i know, you're probably going to ignore everything that i've said,
because what am i to you anyway.
what am i to you anyway...

i hate myself for still loving you
i hate myself for still thinking of you
i hate myself for still remembering you
i hate myself for still hearing your voice
i hate myself for still feeling your touch

i hate myself for not being able to put you down

i've said it. i don't care anymore. i don't care what you think of me anymore.

honestly, deep down inside, i want to be someone you cherish, someone whom you knew was once very precious to you, someone who was undeniably part of your life before, someone you want to continue to love as a friend, someone who you would admit to people that "yes, she was once my girlfriend, a long time ago".

but maybe if,
in your heart, mind and soul you'd
let me be the person you hate the most,
let me be the person you detest the most,
let me be the person that you want to forget the most,
let me be the person that you want to kill the most,
let me be the person you don't think is worth remembering,
let me be the person you don't think is worth loving,
let me be the person whom you think wasted your time on,
let me be the person you never want to see again,
then maybe it would be easier to stop loving and longing for you.

now that the whole world knows, i don't really care.
at least they can now pray for me to break through this.
maybe they can teach me to forget someone, to move on.
maybe someone will scold me for being stupid and foolish
then maybe i'll wake up, pick up,
and get on with what i'm supposed to do.

got really high last night because Arena was open for ladies night and we just kept going in and out of the drinks queue cause it was free flow of martini and vodka. got high even before we entered phuture cause i drank like a fish, almost 30? maybe 25 glasses of either one. super high. met new friends, Charlene, Bella, XinYing and got labelled "unsafe" by all of them. hah. 

can't help it but have a love-hate relationship with the holidays. it's always busy, but there are always these little bubbles of time that belong just to me. hehes. going for training later on at 2pm followed by a meeting at 4.30pm, wonder how i'm going to make it back in time for the meeting. haix. 

i wish it was raining, cause when it's raining, even the water in my water jug becomes colder. sheesh. holidays in the singapore education system is just another term for extra-curricular activities, working part-time and more clubbing time as compared to during term time.

life's getting boring. i wish i had school classes now. or a job. but unfortunately, not many people hire at night and not many people want to take in someone who can only work for a little more than a month.

OMG! i haven't become so high for ages. i learnt my lesson - going clubbing with the right people is VERY important cause you need to find people who will be as wild as you. i think it was the music, alcohol and atmosphere that really made me that high - not drunk because my brain is still processing, but unable to filter. so i just shoot everything that comes to mind. oh, though i can't actually walk straight, so maybe i was a little drunk, but i could still give directions to the cab driver like IN CHINESE! hahas. see, brain still working.

woots! confirmed schedule for the week.

Wednesday - Interview @ 3pm + LADIES NIGHT
Thursday - K-boxing with Qiao
Friday - currently free and available. maybe Zouk-ing.

see, i'm so free that i posted thrice today! BUT BUT BUT, i just had to share this video with all of you. this is the LSO - London Symphony Orchestra playing Internet Symphony No. 1 "Eroica" composed and conducted by Tan Dun (love his compositions, but not too sure about his conducting though). woots! the amazing thing is the next time this symphony is played, it'll be by people from ALL OVER THE WORLD, making up the YouTube Symphony Orchestra! cool huh. plus, the composition is interesting. check it out below. :D

finally, after 3pm today, the horrors of examination will be over for this semester. that'll leave me a lot of time to think about a lot, but i'm not giving myself a chance to do that because i know that my mind will wonder. i don't really know what i should do. go shopping everyday, go clubbing every night. will that be my daily routine for this week? i haven't found a job that i wanted, so basically, that's about all i have on my agenda. ok, maybe i'll go running, train up my stamina and speed. i know there'll be netball practices, soon. and then all the meetings will start coming in. but from today till friday, there's nothing much going on. maybe i'll find some friends and go k-boxing. or just find a starbucks, sit down with a book and chill there the whole day. life without hall life seems so empty. but i think i should concentrate more on my social life outside of hall. afterall, hall is going to be for the max. one or two years.

back to the main point NO MORE EXAMS!

one of the most beautiful korean songs that i will probably love and remember for the rest of my life because it speaks so strongly of what i felt when i looked at him yesterday. he became someone that i didn't know, someone i didn't fully understand. he's become someone with great responsibility and destiny. when i saw him talking to that group of people the way he did, i realized that he'll be going places soon, without me. because with my standards, i'm nowhere near where he is, and i'm not the one who can help him fulfill his destiny and dreams. more than that, i might just become his stumbling block. if he is to fulfill his destiny in God, he cannot be with me anytime soon.

and as for me, i cannot covet after him anymore.

love is so hard to find, so hard to understand and so hard to let go. i told myself a hundred and one times that now is not the time for me to think about such a thing, but, it seems that my thoughts have fallen on my own deaf ears. quelyn rebekkah is not to dabble in these things. she is not supposed to and not allowed to. especially since my debut is near. i can't do anything silly that will put me in trouble. i have to be a role model.

even though my life is not what it's supposed to be
i'm working towards it.