i made the stupidest mistake this morning. on fridays i have an 8am tutorial which lasts for one hour and is the only lesson for the day. today i woke up at 8am and rushed for class, only to find out at 8.21am, outside the tutorial room, that they start only NEXT WEEK! wthell.. seriously the dumbest thing that i have done in my whole life. anyway, on to the updates.

THURSDAY MORNING/ went to Zouk for Mambo, like really Mambo and not Phuture because Bella & Mich wanted to celebrate and chill after the very awesome "California Suite" that they put up on Wednesday night. OMG. it was nice, but disastrous because every single person on the floor was soaking wet from their own perspiration. YUCKS. Mambo is where they play memorable songs from the 80s & 90s and have actions that go with it, and that's where people get their bodies wet from. i really really much prefer Phuture & my hip-hop/R&B. so much more me. that morning, i didn't drink a single drop of alcohol. :D

REST OF THURSDAY/ nothing much went on. just classes and more classes. and then, i went to the IHG handball finals where SHEARES HALL WON! yes! it was damn exciting. the air of happiness and exhilaration was all over in the air, especially since we won Raffles Hall 19-12. and to think that at half-time, we were losing to RH. turn around victory! HANDBALL GUYS, ALL OF YOU WERE TOTALLY HOT OUT THERE ON COURT. and later, we celebrated Andee's birthday. totally whacked up. the things they did to him, OMG. unbloggable. we couldn't even take pictures, either because they were too R(A) or just unspeakable and unFaceBookable. HAH. anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDEE, even though you're birthday's over. :P

FRIDAY/ sleep and watched a few episodes of ㅎ. love my Mac, i can type any language that i know. :D later we're going to celebrate someone's birthday, the HALL way! it's going to be interesting because i was the one who bought the "secret weapons". i think it's going to be one interesting birthday for him. and then i'm going to sleeeep. cause tomorrow's going to be a long long day for me. :)

OMG! i've been MIA for like 5DAYS! totally can't believe it? well, that's because i didn't bring my laptop home for the CNY holidays. OH! Happy Chinese New Year. 恭喜發財！ 萬事如意！ 年年有餘！ 步步高升！yes. that's about all i know how to greet in Chinese during the new year. it was mostly boring. went relative visiting, escaped the country for a but and then, back to hall, life and studying. reunion dinner was different this year because we had a poolside BBQ instead of some stifling restaurant. oh, the angbaos and the food. lols.

yeap. nothing much happened the past few days because i'm not thinking about anything, not expecting anything to happen. talked to BBFF before the CNYs and well, figured that i'm not going to have any expectations from that committee anymore. really. whatever will be will be? i'm still very afraid that that committee will be a failure because of all the crap that's going on right now, but i believe that what has to happen will happen. there are things that i want to say, but i can't because i'm not supposed to. it would look bad on management and well, people will just think i'm bitching around. i have a thought somewhere at the back of my mind that says "go show them how it's done, they've got potential", but then, they'll have to perform to what i expect them to do, which is not bloody possible the way i see it now. upper management has two people who don't even know what they're supposed to do. where will my expectations get me? NOWHERE. seriously. well, i don't really know what to do with that committee as of the current second, but, i'll just let it run and the evil thought that is going through my mind right now says "let them fail and see how they fail." oh, that is so damn bad. it shouldn't be that way. i have to get that thought OUT!

BBFF's coming in about a week! can't wait. :) can't say that i'm totally read for what is going to and what might happen, but, i'm keeping my options open for now. although i have a feeling i might close in on a decision soon. well, i don't know. was telling my girls today that i'm not looking for a boy yet. i'm just looking for _oys. fill in the blank if you can. the past month, there was someone who was potentially a boy. but, we're both not looking. nope. in fact, i think i'll never be looking for one. i can't love anyone. random remark that might become untrue in a few years, but for now, it's true. it's not because i love someone else, but it's because i just don't want to love. it's tiring. although rewarding, but still - tiring. no offense to people who are attached, but yeah. we all live different lives. it's always a choice.

just came back from BELLA'S PLAY! OMG! it was brilliant - the storyline, the set, the characters. :) and the actors really put in a lot to bring out this play which is very hard to related to because none of them are married, divorced or gay. being a dramatist too, i know how hard it is to portray certain roles. they weren't perfect, but given the time and effort they spent rehearsing and rehearsing, really, these people know what the word dedication mean. :D

going out at the ungodly hour to celebrate the success of bella's play. 12:19am. crap. i'm really not caring about sleep anymore. :P

i'm not in bitch mode anymore, finally. but i'm still quite sad because if this is the way the committee is going to turn out, then at the end of the day, the points that i'm giving to them are undeserved. but isn't that what God did on the cross? giving out life to those who don't deserve it. sighs. talking about God.. it's not that i don't believe in God - i know for damn sure that he exists. but i just don't feel that i will be forgiven. i do what i know is wrong because i like what is wrong.

Man, how can it be right when it's just all wrong?
God, how can it be so wrong when it just seems to be so right?

yah. i realized that i blog when i'm stressed or have some other negative emotions. and the more i blog, the more negative the situation is. sighs. i still can't get over what i read. i feel indignant and wronged by the person who said that. i mean, come on - with power comes responsibility. how can you get someone else to shoulder that responsibility when you hold the power. i've been wanting to blog about this since a few weeks ago when C started all her nonsense. a team can never be a team if the leader doesn't know where in the world he is going. seriously. this project was your brainchild. we gave you the green light. and now that the project is coming to an end, you want others to make decisions for you? responsibility girl, responsibility. i told you that you'll be able to go far, unlike C who will probably have to learn the hard way before she will be able to rise up in the ranks. X, i don't say this very often, but you have the talent and potential. just learn how to use it.

ok, maybe people will start complaining that i don't understand them and what not. tell you what girls/boys, MAKE ME UNDERSTAND. say it straight to my face as it is. nope. i don't always say everything i bitch about from just my POV alone. like if i really did, i would be at home, NOW. and not in hall. understand? you have fun. i sacrifice. and you bitch about me. WOW!

fine, so i am slightly pissed at you. what's with the "she cannot make decisions herself without consulting others, even if she the vice chair ... sorry ah i quite pissed w her." - find it familiar? that's your message word for word. and you know what, it's called RESPECTING AUTHORITY. you want me to make the decisions, it's as easy as pressing a button and you, would be powerless to do anything. your brainchild, your project, i just make sure everything runs smoothly and is in right order. i cannot take over or else the project will fail like the first project that we launched. our dear chair took on too much authority and the project manager became complacent. you want to become like that, fine. the chair and i will not scold you. we'll not punish you by making you embarrassed or anything. we'll just have to deal with the situation and with you as we think you deserve.

OMG. i can f- bitch till the morning on this subject
but i won't. i need my sleep.

sighs more. other things are bothering me too. but i just can't pinpoint them.
i'll just leave it at this i guess.

honestly, honestly.
what do you want me to say?
we've put you in a position of power.
and yet you misuse this power.
but i cannot take you down.
because the decision lies not with me.

GOD, why give me people who are incompetent? who do not do their job. who thinks that the world revolves around them.

PROJECT MANAGER, YOU are supposed to make the decisions, not me. even though i'm the vice-chairperson, i don't have the authority to override your decisions unless something catastrophic happens or is about to happen. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE POWER THAT IS IN YOUR HANDS? really. you are not the only one that has to go back home for chinese new year. you are not the only one who has a family. today, when you went back to your family and suddenly threw me into the scene, you took away my time with my family. you understand the CONSEQUENCES of your actions. fine, it's ok. i just won't go home. and i'll just get scolded by my parents whom i see once every few months while you enjoy your time with the parents that you get to see every week.

honestly, project MANAGER, i thought that you were not too bad with your bubbly infectious personality that would inspire people. but if you are going to turn out like your fellow project manager, then i would think that you have failed in your duty, just as she had. i won't say that i won't judge you based on this incident because afterall, i am human. but i will try not to judge you based on this incident with regards to other upcoming projects.

really, i told you that if you want to know what happens in my life, read my blog. i'll even blog about things like the above because in real life, i'm really not that mean. i want to be mean, but there are always things like myself who will stop me from being mean.



today has been a f- bad day.
people have been a bitch.
ruined my mood.
increased my emo quotient.

BBFF, i wish you would fly over sooner. and talk some sense into me. like now. :(
korie, i wish you weren't in tekong. then i'd be able to talk to you too.
God, i don't dare to go to you.

i honestly don't know what it is that we have between us.
do we even have anything at all?
am i just your plaything?
i don't know.
don't know.
idk.

OMG. i just have to blog so much about a lot of things. cause there's a million and one things that happened this week. i'm afraid that i'll forget. to me, this blog is like my precious because it's really the memories that are all kept here. love! as well as all the frustrations and anger and pent up confessions that i have to make. IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE HELL I'M GOING THROUGH, READ MY BLOG. I'M NOT GOING TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT.

yeaps. good things first? bad things first? well, let's go with the good things then. :)

MONDAY/ was a really really super duper good day for me because i met up with 3 of my friends from the different aspects of my life and they all became friends! i love it when the world becomes smaller like this. :D started out with 10am new media lecture with nicole and qiao, my bffs from secondary school and JC. then they both went for their own other lectures while i went to read about Japanese history in the library. painful that one, but it's something that i have to do, module required reading. and then we met at 12nn for lunch together and started talking a lot. qiao was quite stressed out, but i hope that our company made the day better for her. QIAO, I LOVE YOU KAYS. :) then bella came from science to arts because she wanted to skip lecture! hahas. then nicole had to leave at 4pm for lecture. bella qiao and i continued talking till 6pm when me and qiao had to go for our VERY FIRST FRENCH LECTURE. love it much. love the language. hope i can cope. lols. went back, slacked, bathed, ATE WITH MY BLOCK! and then had block comm mtg at 11pm - 1pm. OMG. damn tired.

TUESDAY/ slacked! cause i didn't have school. talked to BBFF online. hahas. then did some hall stuff, etc. etc. etc. ATE DINNER WITH MY BLOCK! omg. i'm so going to have dinner almost every night with my block unless i have something else on. I WANT TO LOVE MY BLOCK MORE cause i'm like super phantom. shit-ake mushrooms! and then went to sell drinks by myself. poor thing. but i sold 22cans! APPLAUSE PLEASE! :D

WEDNESDAY/ 8AM LECTURE! omg. that is one of the worst. i have to wake up EARLY EARLY EARLY. :( was with xinying the whole time until she left for lecture. made new friends with her friend FAITH! weets! and i love her already. she's so hardworking! i was like camwhoring, fb-ing, blogging etc etc etc. while she was studying. BUT, to come to my defense, i was reading Obama's inauguration speech. HEY, THAT'S INTELLECTUAL TOO. lols. had french lecture at 4pm then geog economy&space at 6pm. went back to hall and slacked around. MADE A LOT OF NOISE WITH MY LEVEL6 BOYS! hahas. i think they're going to have a lot to deal with when i'm around. but, i still love all of them. i have a lot of love to spread around because, i don't have a bf. LOLS. waited till about 11pm then went clubbing with bella&michelle. THE LAST SESSION OF THE SEM! because tutorials start next week. :(

THURSDAY/ 10AM LECTURE. omg. killer. i was half an hour late cause i only pulled myself out of bed at like 9.45 although my alarm was set at 8.30am. lols. after lecture went to science fac megabites for lunch with jingyan and nicole! :) haven't seen jingyan since the zoo trip. and i told her that i'll only see her bf in 6months time cause i only saw nicole's bf 6months after they were together. so i must treat the both of them fairly. :) then spent loads of time with nicole back at the arts fac bazaar. OMG! ranting time. on the way to the science fac, we totally died on the bus because the bus suddenly jerked and the whole line of people got squished to the front and like nic and i were the last 3rd and 4th person and it was DAMN PAINFUL! argh. i don't really like that bus driver. so IRRITATING! humphs. ANDANDAND! BIMBO MOMENT FROM NICOLE! :P we were at some stall at the bazaar and there was music blasting from somewhere. nicole went "wait ah" and walked two steps and went "OH! *giggling*" guess what? SHE THOUGHT THE MUSIC WAS BLASTING OUT FROM THE VENDING MACHINE! hahas. so, so. OMG. NICOLE! hahas. on the way back to hall, met xuewei and kailing on the bus. hahas. coolio!

alrighty. the bad part. i don't really feel like ranting. but i know if i don't, i'll feel like shit. all because of one word - ACCOUNTABILITY. wtf. honestly, i think that the only person in my whole life that i should be and AM ALREADY accountable to is God. no one else. NO ONE ELSE AT ALL. why? why? you ask me why? BECAUSE GOD IS THE ONLY ONE WHO FREAKING REALLY CARES ABOUT ME. WHO ELSE CARES A F- ABOUT ME? you wanna know the answer. really. let me tell you - NO ONE! all EVERYONE throws at me is expectation, expectation, expectation. do you care the f- whether i can make it or not? NO! you just want me to hit that mark to make you happy. you just want me to hit that mark to show you that i love God. you just want me to hit the mark to show you that i'm as smart as you think i am. you just want me to hit the mark to show off to other people that you have such a talented child. wtf.

I'M NOT YOUR PUPPET FOR YOU TO PLAY. I'M NOT YOUR SHOWOFF THING. AND I'M NOT EVERYTHING YOU EXPECT ME TO BE! WHY DO I HAVE TO PROVE TO YOU THAT I LOVE GOD? WHY DO I HAVE TO PROVE TO YOU THAT I CAN GET FIRST CLASS HONORS? WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO PROVE ANYTHING AT ALL? WHY? YOU DON'T CARE A F- ABOUT ME. YOU JUST CARE ABOUT WHAT I CAN DO FOR YOU. YOU. YOU. I'VE BEEN LIVING MY LIFE FOR MANY OTHER YOUS BEFORE YOU CAME.

i can continue on ranting and ranting. but i just want to say that i do love that group of people and i do love the organization because it is almost like my family. but there are times where family members are caught up with other things too. i've already made time. i've already told you i can't go. what more do you want from me? i really don't know. i really really don't know. but you don't even care about me. all you do is judge me. do you even know what the f- i'm going through now. yeah. whatever financial update and what not, all you know is what happened in 2008. maybe things have changed since i last told you about. but, you really don't care do you.

sometimes i want to tell you the truth. but i'm afraid that you'll judge me and condemn me. i'm not perfect. in fact, sometimes i think i'm evil. evil to the core that i think even lesser demons might be scared of me. i'm not an angel. definitely not. i'm not perfect nor holy nor whatever. i try to be as much as possible. but there's still that evil streak in me. but i'm not tell anyone because i have a feeling you'll judge me and push me away. because i know that they things that i have done is totally unacceptable in your eyes. do you know that feeling, where sometimes you think even God has forsaken you because you've done too much evil. that's how i feel. that's how i fell the last time as well. i don't want to fall again. but there's no one to hold me up. because no one f- cares. sometimes i feel that other people care more than you do. or maybe it's because the other people are also going through the same thing as me, so i know they won't judge or condemn me because we are the same kind. but you might. you just might...