falling in too deep, i want to be your angel.

i want to take it slow with him. like really, really slow. because i don't want to step into another trap that will hurt me. i don't want to step into something that will leave my heart in pieces again. but the more i try to stop myself, the faster i fall. how do i overcome this cycle that i've trapped myself in.

i can't stop myself from falling. and my friends think that this is a very big change from who i used to be. but, he got me thinking about somethings seriously. he's like an anchor for my changeable emotions and a lock of security for my floating soul. the stability that i feel with him, i don't know how to explain it.

and i know i'm falling in too deep. because i'm already wanting to be your angel. to love you. and to be with you.

but i know that this is something that i can't rush.
stop me from falling dear. stop me .

on another note, i know that most of the time, i've lost my faith in religion because there's so much that i don't believe anymore. i don't believe that i can be forgiven. i don't believe that i deserve to be forgiven. and i just want to go on with my life, making the choices myself, loving the people that i want to love. all this while, my previous boyfriends have never been christian. and because of that, i don't believe god will love me ever again. because i don't believe that i can live the life that god wants me to.

but sometimes, videos depicting god's love, still touches me.
and maybe one day, i still can be saved.

an outstretched hand, a given chance.

i saw his hand, outstretched for me. to keep me with him amongst the crowd. but, i didn't take that given chance because i felt that it was too early. i don't want to rush things. the last time i rushed things, i landed in heartache that lasted for more than a year, even more than i asked for.

this time, i know i kinda like him. but i want to take it slow because i'm not sure of myself. but more than that, i'm not sure of him.

sometimes it hurts to know that he doesn't know.

recess week came and flew by. busy with loads of hall activities, project meetings, dinners etc. studied minimally. but luckily for me, i've only got 2midterms. yeaps. just TWO. but it's killing me already. essays due, admin stuff for the jcrc is also due soon. lols. sometimes, i don't know which to prioritize and end up doing hall stuff first. but yesterday night was good. studied quite a lot. analysed one whole chapter of my literature book, only like 30 more to go! wth.

talked to some people alot yesterday. am i very obvious that i think you're cute? but i don't like you. i just think you're cute. end of story. why make so much fuss about one statement. thank God that it's dying down already. i can't take anymore scandals and gossips, whatever. i want to stay scandal-free. gossip may be inevitable at times, but scandals can be avoided. :)

lightening up in some matters already. taking it easy and trying not to get paranoid. but, yeah. sighs. i think i'm a huge irony in myself. whatever. but it's at times like this where i'm glad that i have some stable responsibility to anchor myself on.

and i miss my level6guys. they, no longer stay on level6, not all of them anyway. and they've changed, somewhat. idk. i know people change. but i just miss the way level6 used to be. noisy, busy. where i could go to hide from everything. where i know i was cared for, loved. but now, there's nowhere for me to run to anymore. my room is like my cave, my shelter from the storms. but i need another place away from my room to hide. hopefully, i'll find a place soon.

if one mistake leads to another, then i'll just go on making them.

things, have happened recently to me, and i've been keeping quiet about it because i don't know who to go to, i don't know who to tell. it seems like the world i live in is waiting to pounce on me whenever they have the chance to. they wait for me to make mistakes and then get ready to skin me alive, and burn me. but it doesn't stop the mistakes from happening.

it wasn't my fault, it really wasn't. but now, things that are not my fault to take care coming back to haunt me and make me take the blame for it. sometimes, i don't know why, but it just takes the heart and soul right out of me. this mistake is huge. so huge that i myself don't know what to do, who to go to and whom to trust.

sighs. i just pray that what i'm thinking doesn't happen.

quietly leave me, let me alone in the dark.

slowly, this blog is surely rotting away. times have been so rough that sometimes, i don't really want to say anything about what's going on anymore. yes, there have been some really good times. but mostly, i'm just too stressed out about alot of things, actually, about everything. nothing's going smoothly and i just made my crush angry by hiding a very important card of his. well done quelyn, well done. that can totally go into like the top 10 list of stupid things i've ever done.

anyway, recently, block duties have taken a toll on me and i've yet to finish my buaya week stuff. argh, i feel super guilty because i want to give my buayee a sense of how fun hall life is and how much i love him. hahas. buayeee, you are loved lah. :) but then, that's about the only happy thing that i can think of right now. my whole mind is still filled with the stupid thing i just did. argh.

anyways, relationship-wise, i won't say much. it's not for me to say many things cause there are things that shouldn't be speculated as yet. sighs. sighs.

when will everything just settle down?

for the first time in many weeks, I spent almost a full 48hrs away from hall, living my life outside that enclosed compound of NUS. for the first time, I studied in my own room at home since I came to university. for the first time, I spent a whole night in revelry, forgetting about everything else and just enjoying myself since I stepped into this new world full of politics. for the first time, I just drank to my hearts contents, not fearing drunkedness because of the safe environment I was in.

and I'm glad for this weekend off. there's meetings tonight, but at least, at least I had the time of my life yesterday night.

but at the same time, I realized how many different people I can become in just 2days. student, blockhead, teacher, daughter, party girl, best friend, Christian, m2. and in each and every role, I act differently and I even look different. and I wonder how does that work out? was just looking at the bus info and then realized that I really do look different when I wear different clothes, different shoes. and it was really somewhat of a shock because I didn't realize how much skinnier I've become, how much prettier I've become, how much bitchier I've become, how much more mature I've become.

sometimes I wonder when God looks at me, who and what does he see. the many bad and forbidden things that I've done, intentionally or not, will he forgive me for it? after this period, will he still take me back as his little girl? idk, and sometimes I doubt it highly because I'm a naughty girl who has broken so many rules just to live life the way I want to. I've betrayed so much of me that idk what's left. it's a surreal feeling, like somethings feel like they've never happened even though you know they did. when God looks at me what does he say and how does he feel? sad I guess, looking at how screwed up my life has become. and being able to cover it up so well, I give it up to myself. And then wonder how long more and how much more of this can I take?

I fee that some of my friends are right, I need someone to take care of me. I would love for it to be someone in hall, but at the same time, it's complicated and I don't want it to affect my emotions cause I know how it'll affect the way I do my job. complicated. very. but I need someone I cab constantly count on to go to, a reliable chest and shoulder to cry on, to laugh with and to just share the ups and downs, both mine and his. but so far, that person hasn't appeared. beek says to have faith and I'll soon find that piece of sky that will belong to me, but it's not that easy and I've almost lost all faith.

sighs. idk what to think anymore.

you're such a beautiful, such a beautiful distraction.

currently, fb is mostly used for the post about hall life and other random feelings that i have. and luckily there's still a place like this for my personal feelings. with all the hype of me stepping up and all the things that i have taken over, things are not easy, but i'm slowly taking things in my stride. hopefully, this semester will be a good one. so far, i've been keeping up fairly well with my work. done all tutorials on time and well, still in the midst of revising most things. this semester, and for the rest of the annual year, i'm the role model for the people in my block and i've got to put in double, triple, quadruple the effort that i put in last year. not an easy thing, but hopefully, i do well.

i know it'll mostly be by my own strength because thus far, i haven't found God back yet.

sighs. on a more personal note, the guy that everyone thinks i like is well, nothing more than a beautiful distraction to the one who has left me behind. again, once again, someone's left me behind. it's not that bad this time because we're still close friends. but the truth always hurts and the truth is always nearby, nearer than i'd like it to be. so for now, i'm just guessing that he's going to be my beautiful distraction for a while until i really find someone worthwhile.