just passed my 100th post, this is the 101st. i can't believe it. i've actually stayed here for 100posts! because of my nature, i like floating around and changing my circumstances as much as i can, especially when at least 80% of my life is already tied down due to family commitments. i love change and challenge because it makes my life more interesting and it helps me grow as a person. but one thing that i have never been able to change is being emotional. i've learnt to hide it - very well, in fact. but that doesn't stop me from feeling what i feel inside me. EngHan told me that i should just be me because there's no one else like me. and that's what i'm striving to be.

being emotional while thinking of the past - that's acceptable right? i guess it should be. the last post is a tribute to someone i loved once upon a time. he came back from the USA for a holiday in singapore and we met up. should i say that it's a coincidence, or a common occurrence that all the boyfriends that i ever had are now studying overseas. doesn't matter. the thing is, he told me "quelyn, i just wish i had stayed on in singapore, i missed you so much ... ... and i regret letting you go."

at the moment that he said that, i had a choice to say two things - either 1. "i told you so" or 2. choose from my extremely limited list of expletives and hurl one at him for saying that to me only now. but in the end, i chose 3. to keep quiet and smile. takes me back to a time somewhere not long ago when i found out that it's usually when we lose something that it makes us realize how important someone or something is in our lives.

"i wish i had realized you sooner. then maybe you wouldn't have left."

that's what i want to tell him. it was only after he belonged to another that i realize what i missed. he was always there for me, watching my back and just being there. but now he's gone, and i haven't seen him for almost three months. when he was still with me, he told me once before that he wanted to be more than just friends, but at that point of time i didn't think much of it because i took it for granted that we would always be friends, so why increase the risk of heartache.

oh well. God will bring a better man along.

anyways, i watched Vantage Point about four or five days ago. it was an awesome film - in my opinion (korkor who sat on my right thought that it was awesome, but jemjem who sat on my left thought it wasn't. lols). it wasn't just the storyline that was great but i liked the film techniques that they used. but on another note, i think the same technique became overused by the third or fourth time. but the thrill of the chase saved the whole movie. going to catch 江山美人 with qiaodie on saturday evening. can't wait cause i haven't watched a chinese film in a long time. i wanted to catch Warlords, but never found the time to do so.

anyways, here's 白色风车 by Jay Chou. :)

Easter weekend just passed and once again i just felt it. Daddy God's awesome love re-enacted. i know many people who don't dare to watch these easter dramas, or the passion of the Christ because they tell me that they cannot take the gore. personally, i was one of those who didn't really like to watch these dramas and the movie because i hate blood and violence, especially when it's done to someone you love and who loves you. but after i watched the Passion, i realized that it's not the blood and gore that people run away from.


unconditional love personified is a very impactful picture. i remember the first time i watched a movie about the cruxifiction of Christ was when i was in primary school, at the church where i was christened when i was a baby. i didn't dare to look at the film when they were nailing Jesus to the cross, but the sounds alone was so real that i was shaken. at that time, when i first watched that movie (not the Passion, it's an earlier version.) i knew i was running away from something because at that time my family was going through a rough patch. but only now do i realize what i was running from.

the unconditional love of Jesus is very powerful and on many occassions, it's the people who need to know about that love who run away. they don't want to see it happening right in front of them. although we have heard of the cruxifiction and although we know that we'll never see the real event, many people still shun away because of what they will see - a Jesus whipped up and bloodied, getting nailed to the cross and then hanging there to die. who wants to know that they are responsible for what they are seeing. not many people are willing to. and not long ago, i was in that group of people.

i admit that i have been running away from the love that God wants to give me. He gave me dreams and visions and i just took them and ran away with them, doing what i thought was right. He gave me gifts and talents and i took them and used them as i saw fit. He gave me love and care, but many of the times, i pushed it away.

it's been almost a week since level camp ended, and up to now, i haven't done my risk. i keep telling myself that i have to do it because if i want my friends to be open to me, i have to open up to them first. i know i have support from some of my friends (thankyou Angie&June), but i just don't know how to start. everytime i want to type those words out, something stops me. Is it distrust? Or is it just plain stubborness? i have a feeling that it's the former. i've been hurt before, but they just didn't realize that they did it. i still love them, but there is always that "but..." in my thoughts about them. being in cliques have never been my forte. i have one, two close friends, but never a circle of them. i'm in many cliques, yet in none.

sometimes i feel as if i am invisible. no matter how hard i try to join in a conversation, no one listens to me. no matter how hard i try to fit in, i'm always the misfit. being the only girl in a group of guys, that's my favourite situation. you know why? because that is where i feel the most protected. we may not be the best of friends, but i know that i am safe with them. but the bad thing is that, i'm never able to join in their conversations no matter how hard i try.

耍可爱，耍白痴，耍开心， 那是我最擅长的表现。

that's why i chase my dream alone. and that's why i feel that this path is the right one for me. being a singer-actress has been a childhood dream. and there has always been that passion that burns within me to be on the stage and be loved by many. i'm an attention-seeker - because no one has ever paid any attention to me in my whole life. i've always been a lone ranger, fighting to fend for myself, for the survival of my family and for the continument of my dream. for everything that i have, i've had to fight for it.

为梦想而奋斗 - 因人有梦而伟大

but i guess in everything that happens in our lives, it's our choices that make the difference. a large part of my life haan't changed because i don't want to make that choice to change. the only part of my life that i see becoming brighter is that path that leads to my dreams. but other than that, everything else seems to be getting darker and darker. oh, wait, maybe except for that friends part because i'm slowly opening up to my friends. as life gets longer, i hope that i'll die surrounded by the friends that i have made throughout my years...

let's fly in circles
just you and i
high up in the sky
as the clouds float by

there's not a moment where i regret going to the facilitator training sessions on saturday and sunday. the experience there has taught me alot about myself as an individual and as a person. i find that one of my ways of avoidance is to act happy. and i realized that i'm so good at it that i don't really know when i'm really happy and when i'm pretending to be happy. it made my days quite unbearable because i knew i was myself, yet not always. but after a talk with Eng Han, i finally realized that i am who i am and i'm an individual uniquely created by God. by pretending to be happy when i'm not makes me come across as a fake because people can feel when i'm really happy and when i'm pretending to be. now, i can breathe easy because i know that in any situation, i should just be myself. thank you EngHan, for listening to me, and for reminding me that i'm special.

another weakness is my inability to trust people. but that stems from my own inability to trust myself. the incident that made me lose my ability to trust myself was not one, but two. firstly, the divorce of my parents. i couldn't believe that after more than 10years of a happy family, it was broken in just an instant. painful as it was, i ha to grow up quickly to become a role model for my brother and sister. a helper to my mom. and i gave away my childhood. it was an unconcious choice on my part, but nevertheless, my choice. i have no one else to blame. but i don't need to blame because there is never a right or wrong choice, never a good or bad one. it's not the start that counts. it's the end that matters.

the second incident was when i broke up with yh. it was quite a disasterous breakup because i was so emotionally involved that i didn't know how to pull myself out. i'm someone who needs closure and i didn't get that. and from then on, i avoided anyone who looked like or even slightly resembled yh. but i faced this avoidance on the first day of training. we have an adult facilitator, ryan, that looks like yh. and during the "find a person you're uncomfortable with" talk, he was the first to come to mind, but i avoided. however, with some encouragment, during the "find the person you feel nervous talking to", i went to him and told him. he didn't get to finish what he was saying, but i know where he was heading to. thank you ryan, for listening to me, and thank you for the advice that you were going to give me. (:

ok, but that's not the point. the point is that i lost trust in people because i didn't know if i could really be myself around them. i'm by nature a very emotional person and after the breakup, i was crying almost everyday in school because that was the only outlet that i had. i couldn't cry at home because my mom would suspect something. but because of my letting out of emotions, i became a burden to people. emotionally and psychologically, i was tiring them out. but now i know that i can be emotional, but i have to learn to control as well. i have to trust myself that i won't be a burden to people and i have to trust people that they will be there for me. saying this, i want to thank the person in my life that i trust the most (after Daddy God of course). thank you lester korkor. for standing by me through alot of things. for never giving up on me. for always lending a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. for all the encouragement that you give me. and for always being my friend and bestest korkor.

my greatest lessons came from two activities that we went through. firstly, the trust fall and secondly, the tunnel through time. i did the trust fall two years ago. it wasn't perfect. i didn't trust my team mates. but this year, i did it. i really did it. but it's not my effort. it is thanks to my team, Apollo Biscuit & Waffle, for being so understanding and encouraging. thank you for trusting me, and for allowing me to trust all you guys. thank you for listening to me and encouraging me to chase after my dream, my goal. this dream has been with me for a very long time. but i never dared to voice it out because my parents are against me becoming a singer. they want me to be successful and earn loads of money so that i will be able to have an easy life, unlike them.

but daddy, mummy, i don't want an easy life. i want to chase after my dreams, my passion. i don't want to wait till i'm 50 and regret that i never lived my dream. no matter what the consequence, i will bear it myself. i just want to do what i love, what i'm passionate about. it's not easy. but it's my choice. i will still go through university and get a degree. but i may never become a professional office worker. i just want to go after my goal, no matter what you say. i'm sorry. but this is what i choose to do.

the "tunnel through time" activity and the pushing activity on the first day also showed me my strengths, and another weakness. i found that i always have the strength to carry on because i am a very determined person. no matter how tired i am or how discouraging people are, i will still go on, pushing for my goal, for what i want. there will be times where i want to give up, but my heart tells me to go on. however, once i reach my goal, once i fail, or if i take a breather, i will give in to emotional stress and i will continually cry and sometimes i am unable to handle my emotions and the stress. this is something that i have to handle because there will always be many times where i will have to fight for what i want. and so, it is my choice to continue buckling under the stress or to overcome it and become stronger.

i don't know how many people know me well enough, or think that they know me. but what i'm going to tell the world right now, may shock you. let me first say that i don't want your sympathy nor empathy nor do i want pity and looks that tell that you're thinking "oh, she's such a poor thing". i don't want any of that. i just want the people around me to know what i'm going through. i don't want to face this alone anymore. i don't want to pretend to be someone that i am not. this is me, this is who i am.

quelyn, used to be a spoilt rich kid who had everything she wanted. but between secondary 2 & 3, all this changed. she was no longer rich. but she was still spoilt. her parents did everything they could to allow her continue the lifestyle she lived. whatever she wanted to do, her parents would support her. but this gradually changed as her siblings grew up and needed more money as well. slowly, she had less and less but on the outside she pretended she still had everything. lying to the people around her and lying to herself. but this year, everything has changed 180degrees. her dad no longer has work. her stepmom doesn't work. and her young stepsiblings of 2years and 4years of age don't even have milk to drink. her mom is struggling with bringing up 3kids, 18, 16 and 13. debts, a car, and many more installment payments. therefore, many people know quelyn is working three jobs. and the above is the reason why. quelyn is no longer rich, no longer spoilt. she works for her family, for herself. she still goes shopping, but she finally understands the value of money. she still spends, but she understands the meaning of hard-earned money.

now you know who quelyn really is. don't look down on her. don't sympathize with her. treat her as you would your fellow human being. love her as you would yourself. be her friend. and trust that she'll make it through with God's help, grace and mercy. lend her a shoulder if she falls asleep. lend her a shoulder if she cries. but most importantly, give her your friendship as she gives hers to you.