today's mood is a little of a mixture. happy, cause we just had a great formal dinner in hall and it kinda wraps up the whole annual year's activities - Seniors Farewell Dinner. the food was not great, but filling. the company was awesome - my dearest level6 boys. but then, seeing the number of them wearing the costumes that we made for them indicated the number of seniors that i'm going to have to say goodbye to.

last semester, it was hianyi, pengfei and choonhan who went to the US for their NOC. this semester, it'll be even more of them who will be graduating and entering the working world. winson, hidayat, hengfai - who will definitely be leaving. ryohei who's going back to japan, complete one more semester there and then go out looking for a job. the other seniors, britt, keith, mingfeng, kahkheng, terance - who may or may not be staying in hall when they are year4.

so many of my boys, so many different lives and pathways. but i'm glad that all 21 of you crashed into my life, even if just for one year. it made my first year in sheares hall a more colourful one - late night wine appreciation sessions at the corner of the long wing, the ponding sessions, the birthday cakes, the little presents that you'll give me, the long talks that go till the wee hours of the morning - thank you for everything. even though there's still a month more to go, you've made the last 7months a great one for me. thank you for letting me into your rooms, for letting me go around screaming and making noise on your level, for teaching me things that i didn't know, for sharing great music, movies and all the other good stuff in life.



been playing a few songs recently and they've been fueling a certain sadness in me. coupled with the sermons on love and relationships that have been preached in church, i'm starting to waver. where's my love story?

:)

happyhappyhappy news that came out from my meeting that just ended. now, should i get dinner? sighs. it's a little late though. but anyway, the happy news is that BEP PREMIERE IS BEING POSTPONED TILL NEXT WEEK. i can catch up on my sleep. i can study for my french test. i can go for lessons. i can edit my film to an even more detailed level. i can add additional scenes if need be. oh the joy and the happiness of being able to do a good job, the perfectionist at heart says. and after this, the post starts getting random.

today i told Qiao something about my thoughts and i myself said something and was shocked at the revelation - is it really a need? or just an addictive habit? sighs. don't want to think about it. i feel that if i think too much about the issue, i'll complicate it. but because i don't want to think about it too much, it never gets solved. how? simple - don't do anything. stagnation is bliss sometimes.

changed my MSN nick recently from the chinese "my wishes are written in the stars" to "chasing time&. kisses in the wind", literally what i'm doing. chasing time to do everything in the stipulated time period. chasing time to finish my goals that i have set for PVC. chasing time to shape up for the year end marathon season. just chasing time. and chasing kisses that fly past me to someone else, never able to catch them because they know who their owner is.

and then i want to question, what exactly is __________ ? (fill in the blanks cause i myself really don't know exactly what i wanna question...)

ah. i don't care. even though i don't live in liverpool, or wherever the team comes from (hahas), i will still believe that MY HOME TEAM will win against all the odds. ehh, i don't care if i have to eat socks (because i know chris is TOO SOFT HEARTED. lols.) but yah. i don't really know soccer/football, i just stay loyal to a team whom i think is good. in fact, i became a fan of the team initially because of their motto - "you'll never walk alone". :)

going to have a PVC mentor's meeting either thursday or friday. :D can't wait to meet my dearest Youth Factory. totally excited cause i haven't seen many of them in ages! ahh. and there's gonna be the Youth Factory BBQ on the 11th of April. seems like april is one goddamn exciting month. BUT I NEED TO STUDY...

gonna apply for the Manhattan Credit Card (thanks to Bella for the info), not because it means i have extra credit (pls, the limit is only $500 and i'm probably not going to use it) cause it gives me FREE ENTRY TO VELVET/ZOUK/PHUTURE (!!!) on friday and saturday nights. that translates to an amount of about $120/month on an average partying month. so, i get to save on club covers. alcohol is always solved by either ourselves, or the boyfriends. i don't have one, so i depend on the other's boys for it. wheeeee. so that equates my clubbing spree spending to less than $100/month cause i just have to pay taxi fare home. AHHH. but i haven't been clubbing for ages. last time i went was probably Valentines' Day (coming) 2months ago. waiting for the holidays to go all crazy again. the music, the dance, the company. mostly superficial, totally enjoyable, 100% pleasure.

it's escape from the reality of daily life.

but before that, STUDYYY. totally worried for it now because i need to up or at least maintain my CAP. which is a huge problem currently. i am going to become a MUGGER in april so that i can pull my socks up and salvage whatever is left of Year1Sem2. plus, i need my CAP if i'm wanting to go for SEP: Destination Undecided. Aussieland beckons. but Canada also calls. best friend vs. godmother. ohmygoodness. i'll leave it to fate. when i apply i'll put aussie first and then canada second, and then see where i get to go to.

BBFF, i think this year, it might just be taiwan. cause i just realized that december is my sports training month, and max i can leave training is 2-3weeks. hope you'll still welcome me. hahas.

totally random post. totally. sleep deprived. food deprived. unintended. today was 4-6pm,6-8pm,8-10pm without stop. lesson.lesson.meeting. sighs.

totally need a break somewhere before i start my mugging spreeee.

and i think i just missed you online cause i went to film and when i came back, your nick changed. you didn't see me cause i'm appearing offline. and i feel quite disturbed by where i'm placed in your MSN list. but oh. wtf. it's not like i'll know if you change it. don't mind me, i'm currently in bitch mode.

mood swings have been crazy these few days but haven't been showing cause i'm just too sleepy. hate this period of the month cause it's just so ohwhatthesh*t. totally. the workload and stress doesn't help, but i'm dealing with it - that's what i'm good at.

craving all sorts of things - kushinbo. sushi. fries. ICE-CREAM. mac&cheese. TIRAMISU. arghh. but none of them can be fulfilled cause all the random imitations around just doesn't make the cut. siannesss. i'm starting to complain, so i better stop blogging before i break the happy happy mood that still lingers somewhere nearby.


wheeeeeee.
up, up and away~

recently some of my guy friends from my JC years just went through their commissioning to be an officer - the parade, the ball, they all look so beautiful. it reminded me of korie. :) korie just went into OCS and in probably December, it's going to be his turn to go through the parade, the ball, and everything else beautiful. hahas. JIAYOU korie. i can already see how handsome you'll look in the white uniform, even though i always call you fat. hee.



edited the clips till 6am this morning and then went to sleep. just woke up, and going to continue editing. it's a race against time for all of us. God, give us more time.

| edit |

can't wait for 7th & 8th of April! :) hahas. 7th is someone's very important 20th brithday. ^^ and 8th of April of course is the quarter-finals (i think) where Liverpool will play Chelsea. rar. of course Liverpool will most likely win. so there Chris, eat your socks again? you're not a Chelsea fan, but i'm sure you want Liverpool to lose. but my BBFF & i are rooting for our team. hahas. and plus my block mates, you are like 10 to 1. :P

ahh. editing in progess now. transfering some files (that will take like 1/2 an hour) so that work will be easier later on. hopefully. i'm sleepy, but i gotta push on. just two more days to screening, the clock is ticking away.

just finished filming the second last scene of BEP. sighs. one more mass scene to go before we wrap up filming. woke up super early (for a SATURDAY) to film the morning scenes at 8am. shifted the filming time to 9am cause my leads went home/for D&D yesterday. but ended up filming at about 9.30am. finished very quickly this morning and by 11am, was in the Sheares Motion Graphics (SMG) production room capturing the tapes and doing the first cuts editing. spent the WHOLE DAY in the room till about 6.45pm and then went for dinner. started filming the night scenes at 8pm till now.

i've got half an hour or slightly more to bathe and maybe eat a little more snacks or something. then i have to go back to the SMG room cause they're capturing the tapes right now and i'll have to go edit. sighs. this is harder than expected. right now all i have in my mind is BEP, BEP and more BEP. i'm totally neglecting everything else. lost track of time while editing this afternoon and didn't go to cellgroup. hopefully i'll be sane and awake enough to go for service tomorrow morning. it's going to be a long night for my camera people/co-editors and me.

recently everything seems to be bumpy. my PVC group met with a few potholes along their journey, but i'm very proud that they were strong enough to go through this period of time. really want to thank Yvon cause the last week, she handled the small group meeting all by herself - i'm really sorry for not being there babe, but i really couldn't get away from filming. and to team OneFive, i believe that you can create the results that you first envisioned when you first set out your mind to hold the carnival, and that you will be successful in achieving all the goals that you have set for yourself, both academically and physically. :) JIAYOU.

and my dearest BBFF seems to be going through a rough patch. i seriously don't know what's going on and i'm kinda worried about him, particularly because i don't know what's happening. and there's no one around me who can tell me. i can't say much, but JIAYOU dear. ^^ i'm always your biggest encourager and motivator! hee.

*chants* JIAYOU! JIAYOU! JIAYOU!
and i will have to jiayou too. :)

hope the letters got to you safely *prays*
love. :D

was doing some research and i realized that very oddly, or maybe naturally, there have been many films about the end of the world that have been coming up recently. is the world really that uneasy, that the end will come sooner than we think. as a Christian, i know that we are in the end times, but, i don't think the end of the world will come that soon because the book of Revelations prophesied many other things that have not come to pass yet. and it's interesting to know that many of these films feature either aliens eliminating the human race or natural disasters destroying the earth as the end times. i wonder how far or how near it is from the truth. as for me, i don't really care about the end times. as long as i have lived life and enjoyed it, loved people and have been loved, done as many meaningful things to serve the community and its people, i'll die with no regrets.

except one.

hopefully if the end times is really near, i'd want to spend my last days in the company of loved ones, enjoying life on the current earth with them and making the most of what we have right now. and in my last hours, in the embrace of someone i love, and whom loves me back. then i'll be ready to enter the new world that God has promised.

hopefully i'll see everyone i know in that new world.

spent the whole day sleeping again. by the time i woke up, i missed my whole french lecture and half of my geography lecture. sighs. it seems like this happens at the end of the term when everything finally sets in and there's so much to do that all my body wants to do is sleep, in preparation of the long and hard fight in april.

and my mind, it wanders to places that i don't want to go to, explaining the nightmares, self-doubt, doubting others - especially the one closes to my heart, and i know that i can't take that hurt away, no matter how many apologies i give. (a thought flashed through my mind that said "maybe it doesn't hurt you because i'm not important enough". but the thought was erased with the next line that said "but it will hurt because he cares.") and i realize that the hurt i inflict on others is the same hurt that other people have inflicted on me before. not necessarily an eye for an eye, but like if person A hurts me in a certain way, i'll hurt person Z in the same way. sighs. bad habit i have to change change change.

just finished filming today's BEP scenes. it's going to be a mad rush this weekend, editing and filming whatever needs to be filmed and edited. sighs. i'm gonna go crazy soon from the stress and all the people around me rushing me and telling me that they cannot make it and telling me that it's going to be impossible to finish. PLEASE, ENCOURAGEMENT WORKS BETTER. tell me i can make it instead of the opposite.

i think i'll need ALOT of encouragement the next few weeks. i'm going through a downtime, i have mountains of assignments that i'm not doing until after 1st april, i have BEP to worry about until 1st april, i'm going crazy thinking about seniors farewell presents, i'm going crazy trying to get things to the post office on time, i have to keep up with my mentoring duties, keep up with my studies, my running schedule. omg. so many things. i'm going to die a horrible and terrible death. rar.

N415 and all my christian friends, keep me in your prayers. if you know me and you read my blog, drop me a message or two - esp. all my very silent readers. or you know what, just tag my board. i'll be more than happy. to my dear Youth Factory, i need motivation and encouragement to believe in myself and the results that i can create.

right, going for a hall event now. sighs.
hold me high, cause i need the support.

the hand is not getting better by any standards. recovered most of my mobility, but it's still painful and writing is still a chore. went to see the chinese doctor and it's supposed to be better. but i'm thinking of going to the western doctor cause a bone seems to be out of place. but there's so many things i'm apprehensive about.




will i be able to write properly? exams are in a month.

will it be painful? i have a low pain threshold and there's no one here with me.

will it be in the way? i still need my hand for many many things in this busy busy time.

oh whatever.

if a teardrop could erase everything
life would be much easier

but it would also be less realistic
and less human

WTF. :( just woke up after managing to sleep. and guess what, another f- nightmare. is today like quelyn's nightmare in sheares hall night/day? totally unbelievable. this time it was about the betrayal of friendship, my second greatest fear. someone who knows what i'm afraid of is playing with my mind. STOP IT.

i hate today officially.

| edit |

was doing random stupid things that take up/ waste time to make my day a little better. took some personality test and was quite happy with it. :) here's my results. quite true i think.

Your view on yourself

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you

You have many goals and want to achieve as much as you can. The jobs you enjoy are those that let you burn off your considerable excess energy.

How do you view success

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

nightmares nightmares, why do they happen? i read that one reason for nightmares may be a way of our unconscious to get our attention about a situation or problem that we have been avoiding and it is time to take notice and confront a problem or situation because nightmares serve an important purpose in showing you what is troubling you from within you deeper levels. other websites say that it's a form of stress release (then i think despite my happy happy thoughts during the day, i must be extremely stressed out!)

ohwhatever. i think it's BEP filming getting to me. but please, whoever is giving these nightmares, can you give less scary and less realistic ones. i don't like the way these nightmares are developing. they're becoming too real. or maybe, it's my mind telling me to face up to reality. maybe it's someone telling me (in the second nightmare) that friends, no matter how close are not always as reliable as they seem and may betray you at anytime. maybe it's someone telling me that it's not worth waiting so long for someone so far away.

but you know what, I DON'T CARE. i'm going to live my life, on my own guiding principles of love, faith and hope. no more, no less of unconditional love, irrevocable faith and imperishable hope.

randomly, i need a holiday.

4.42am. and i'm already up - technically because i cannot go back to sleep. woke up to one of the most horrid nightmares that i can ever have - because this time, the nightmare is real. it's a memory that is being repeated in my mind while i sleep. it's a memory that i never want to think of ever again, because it's my greatest fear and the thing that makes me the saddest. our relationship now, i don't know how strong or how fragile it is. and i realize, that's why i'm always so afraid that one day you'll leave me, cut all contact and it'll come to a point where i'll never be able to find you ever again. the world is so big - 6billion people? and only you will know where i am, but not vice versa. this feeling here and now as i'm blogging is something i cannot explain. it's pain, mixed with fear and apprehension, worry and confusion.

maybe these words from an old blog entry on another blog will shed some light. maybe it won't. to you, and to me as well. because i personally, don't know what i'm feeling at this moment, don't know what i should feel at this moment. i'm as confused as can be. why, i don't know. hahas. it's just a sense of uneasiness.

Oh goodness. I thought that I would never write about this person or think about this person ever again. But it seems that as long as someone is part of your past, he or she will inevitably be part of your persent because it is the past that has made you who you are, in one way or another... ...

I was at the airport, wanting to perhaps have a few last words with him and then send him off in peace. But it turned out that almost his whole CCA was there, and there was no way I could say anything to him because there was just so many people, from his CCA, his BS, his secondary school. So in the end, I stood at a distance watching him, and when he left, I cried. He was just so precious to me, at that point of time. And after he left, I went to the viewing gallery. Knowing Changi like the back to my hand, I knew exactly which berth he was flying off from. And from that distance, I said my last goodbyes to him, silently.

The picture up there, is the plane that he was sitting on. Not a replicate, not another airplane of the same airline. He was in there. And me, I was crying. For what, right now, I can't really remember anymore. But I knew that on that day, I cried so badly that I never really cried as much since then. And I doubt I'll cry as much as i did that day.

And from that day onwards, I never really knew what was going to happen between us. But I do know that we've cut contact with each other and totally erased any contactable links between us. Whether we will ever meet again, I will never know. But I know that if I do see him again, I will say 'hi' to him, but feign amnesia. Actually, deep in my heart, I want to actually have amnesia, get myself into a car accident, an accident out at sea, hit my head hard enough on something, just to forget him totally. Because it's not easy to forget a person you love, even though he hurt you deep enough for you to hate him.

They say that the deeper you love a person, the deeper your hate for him will be. But it doesn't seem to work in my life. Somehow, God forgot to give me the 'hate' gene. I've never been able to hate a person. Dislike, yes, but I'd still be able to talk to that person, and show that person care. That's defintely not hate. God, I'd pray that you give me a little hate so that I'd be able forget him, but, that just be so screwed because God is love, He can't give me hate.

For me, my ending was sudden, and even more heart-breaking than his departure because somehow, he had to tell me a whole lot of information that I really didn't have to know. Even though I know that I should hate him for being such a person, somehow, I still love him. Not as much as before because now God is number one in my life, but yh will somehow always be number two, a number two that is buried so deep in my heart that the numbers will run 1,3,4,5,6... because he has been taken away, yet he's still there. Yet somehow, the ending didn't feel like one because there was no actual words being said. So misty was it that I feel that it's going to be hard to find a closure. But I believe that I'm already out of that shadow.

-18th June 2007
"Look at the Rainbow"

so many things that i said in that previous blog entry has almost either become even truer or has faded into nothingness. for example, i've found back my point of contact with him. and he's someone whom i want to be in my future. but i'm still f- confused. i don't know what exactly it is that i'm feeling now.

f- this random post.
God, tell me what the hell is happening
why are you doing this to me?
STOP THE F- NIGHTMARES.

just finished filming for today. :) going to sleep - definitely need it. whee. damn tired. and i don't feel like going to school tmr cause it's just one afternoon tutorial at 2pm i think. siannesss. was going to film BEP tomorrow, but we couldn't get the cameras cause another block is filming their seniors farewell. argh. seniors farewell - i have hmm. 3 seniors on my level6, plus another 3 on my level7. so i have to do something for them before the exams set in. RAR. ideas, ideas, where art thou?

recently i think because i've been putting all my energy on BEP, i kinda well, lost a lot of creative juices for like everything else. if it were last year, i'd have bbff's present ready by now and would be starting out on seniors farewell. but this year, NOTHING HAS BEEN DONE. argh. haven't even posted the first thing to bbff yet. it's still sitting on my table. post office, where art thou?

goodness. nevermind. i need to sleep now.
yeaaahhhhh. totally random.

dear God,

i pray that liverpool trashes fullham on saturday. and that astonV trashes ManU on sunday. so that christopher can eat his very delicious socks. i know he wants to eat them, so please make his dreams come true. (hahas. don't kill me chris.) and make mine come true too, so that all the liverpool fans can come out and play. ^^

and i also pray that you give me more creativity to do pretty and sincere things for everybody who has to receive presents for my in april. bleah. i need a lot of creativity to make the best seniors farewell present for my lovelies. as well as a great present for my dearest whose age is going to start with the number 2! thank you. :D

oh! one last thing. please, please. i need my hand! i need to write soon! :( please make it better faster. and make it less painful. and less swelled up. and less painful. sighs. please please make it better. ah. so that i can play my sports too. otherwise i'll become fat. you don't want a fat princess right God. hahas. sighs. make it better!! :)

ManU can kiss their trophy goodbye already! Liverpool's been on a winning streak recently!! :D this afternoon christopher messaged saying that liverpool will never beat ManU. i was going to tell him to go eat his socks if ManU loses. eh. but i didn't. instead i just replied "WAIT AND SEE!" - and he "humphed" back at me. irritating.

sighs. today sucked big time. slept early yesterday night but it was too cold during the night and i caught a cold. slept till 11am and then ate something. tried to do a bit of work and stuff, but just didn't feel like it. then i went back to sleep, unwillingly. cause that's the only other way to cure my sicknesses. the other would be to take medicine, but i don't wanna be too reliant. slept till 6.25pm and then went down for dinner. didn't talk much to my fellow eekers but just heard them talking. ryohei just came back from a three-day trip to bali - and was talking about going to another country to see natural scenery. some of them were recommending him places to go and stuff like that.

australia was one of the countries that came up. hee. i think now would be a nice time to go to aussie cause it's not too hot, not too cold. in december it'll be uber hot! and then taiwan would be relatively cold. ohman. packing is going to be a hazard. long sleeves & tank/tube tops. i'd rather bring the later. takes up lesser space. looks nicer. argh. whatever. don't think about it now.

filming BEP later tonight. in my condition, i hope i do a bloody good job.

no pictures today cause i didn't take any. recently been posting pictures too cause it makes the post more colourful and well, it allows people to see more into my daily life, rather than just those nice pictures. i've been wanting to take a personal photoshoot at a professional studio - album of maybe 25, 30 photos. i look pretty in pictures. :) just a little fat. ok, maybe a lot. HAHAS. damn random.

i'm craving tiramisu again. i think it's the food of the month.
and i keep eating other crap today. sighs.
whatever. it only happens once a month.

the rest of the month plus april will be really busy for me cause there's a million and one things that have to be done. argh. have to take care of myself even more so that i don't fall sick so often. sighs. and my hand as well. early may is examination period. i need the hand to be working to write like 3 continuous hours. sianness.

ks. going to prep for BEP.
seeya!

OMG! today was a really full day - both in activities, and my dearest cb, FOOD as well. hahas. i won't skip meals okay, i promise. even if i have to hmm, stuff things down while i work, i'll try to do it. ^^ whee. i'm damn tired now cause it was a really really long day for me. woke up super early to take the buses and MRT from bishan all the way to expo and then had to walk from the MRT to hallONE. lucky next week we'll be back at hallEIGHT for services. after service had drama practice. even though i was just standing in for another cell group member (from now on known as cgm), it was still really fun being the lead - and being watched by two very charming guys. lols. too bad they're only good friends, and totally not my type. my other cgm helped me pack yong tau foo to the rehearsal place. but by the time i ate it - heh. it was quite, bleah. cause the whole thing was cold. fellowshipped for quite sometime and had a great time talking and laughing with my cgms.

headed to dhoby ghaut from expo with them and then went to longjohnsilver to eat somemore cause some of them didn't eat lunch previously. so i snacked on some random potato things. hahas. talked, "gossiped", made fun of, laughed with them over random things - fun. :) after that, went to plaza singapura for a while to walk around, but like it was for 10mins. and then headed back home. had dinner and then i'm back at hall! :D finishing up a few things and then going to sleep after i blog.

RANDOM UPDATES. :)

SHEARES HALL PRODUCTION/ 20th March - "accidental death of an anarchist" that's the play, by an italian playwright that was put up this year. :) it was a damn good play and definitely worth the quite expensive ticket. loved the politics and hmm. dramatic twists in the script. oh! and the add ons that the director/producer put in place. Bright was a great maniac - an actor like him comes along once every decade or more. my best friend and fellow ragger, Lynette & Gerald were performing as well. and of course, my very bullied and abused Kent - you poor thing, but we still love you okay, no matter how beaten up you are and no matter how thick and drag-queenish your makeup was. hahas. walked back to hall with my fellow eekers after the play cause there were no more buses. had a great time talking to hengfai, winson and hyeli, my favourite year4s who love me alot. :)





BEP/ omg. omg. omg. this is my proudest project (even though it's barely done) and my most stressful project. took a whole morning to film a single scene. *SCREAM* and we have about 3more scenes to film BY THE END OF THIS WEEK. argh. i can do it. i can do it. we can do it. we can do it. psychoing myself. please do not mind. and yes, encouragement would be extremely welcomed. 1ST OF APRIL - please come down to Sheares Hall at 20 Heng Mui Keng Terrace, S119618, NUS, Singapore if you are free to catch the premiering of this wonderful production. :) after the filming of the scene, had an indoor photoshoot as well as a more informal outdoor one. first photo are 2 out of my 3 leads, mengqi and andy - they spend more time than you do with me. :( and i think that i've kinda been neglecting you for some reason, that's what i feel luhh. second photo, me, xinyi our block head and kwonghow my fellow kongbakpau/eeker/photographer (thankyou!) and andy at the back trying to be in the picture too. lols.































COUNCIL CAMPFIRE/ yes. it's that time of the year again where all councillors will be on their toes end because it brings back memories of our own council days, and hmm. a sad memory for me. i missed his first concert in ny because i was at council camp. remember synergy? hahas. yeap. saw you in school a few times that day while being ordered and screamed at by the seniors. would have loved to be at your concert, but, we had different duties to our respective CCAs at that time. campfire was indoors this year because it rained. :( but it was still a great one. 31 out of 37 29SCians turned up. and of course, korie's "proudest moment" where the 29SC has SIXcars. hahas. i know korie wanted to go to some KTV to sing and Martell the night away before going into OCS (officer cadet school. his dream since he was like 3months old. HAH.) but unfortunately, the room was taken. so we MadJack-ed instead. had one of the MOST AWFUL tiramisu i have ever eaten. bleah. so yah. never eat tiramisu at a place that sells supposedly aussie cuisine. got sent home by jo'an. THANK YOU! :D first photo - of course my dearest 29th! second photo - "family portrait" of 28th, 29th & 30th batch of student councillors.




N415/ if you still don't know, that's the "name" of my cell group. hahas. and recently we played this angel/mortal game. revelation on the 21st of March. and i totally had no idea who my angel was until then. :) i'm a good girl, i don't play guessing games. hahas. thanks to clarence, my angel in the game for all the pretty and thoughtful gifts, and of course, words of encouragement. to preedee, my dear mortal, i'm so sorry for being a bad angel and not giving you gifts regularly, but i hope that you love the final gift. :) part2 will be coming next week ok. hahas.

在手機上打文章忽然間變容易了。：）yeap, it just did cause now I can type in about a million different languages and don't have to limit my searches to English anymore when I go online from my phone. when I got this phone I was quite irritated with the fact that I couldn't type in other languages. now I hear that soon I'll be able to Bluetooth and forward msges when the new software comes out! happiness. :D

heading to church. the early morning mrt crowd make me feel so small and alone. :( hope the rest of the day will be better. and I'll eat ok. I'm eating breakfast now ks. :)

blogging from the dearest iPhone again because I didn't bring my MacBook home. :) had a really long and busy day. slept at 3am again and then got up at 7am to film BEP at 8am. sighs. it was okay, but we only finished one scene - actually less cause I'm missing one of my leads. then went for photoshoot. sighs. the next week is going to be super crazy and packed. if I have time to eat, it'll be a miracle. AH! speaking of the word "miracle", it reminded me of this silly pick up line that goes like that, : "my friends say I'm a miracle" "whyy?" "because my heart is with you but I'm still alive!" LOLS!

rushed around the whole day from hall to hougang for cellgroup. then after cg, had a games session and then dinner. canned to nyjc for council campfire. :) another new batch is going to step up soon, and I'll be one batch older again. this year, 30people from the 29th were present and we had 6cars! drove out to town and was supposed go ktv. but the place we wanted was already taken. :( in the end, we went to mad jacks to eat as well as talk and catchup.

you never reply any of msges - because you don't want to? you don't need to? sighs. I don't know, but as I said, I won't feel that my day is completed and over until I msg you. ohwell, nvm. I miss you!

sleep beckons.
good night and sweet dreams!

blogging from my iPhone again! so pardon all the spelling mistakes. hahas. even though the day hasn't ended, I'd say that it was a day well spent. :) woke up early for my 8am tutorial cause there was the motivation of mac breakkie with Nicole after the tutorial! :D totally worth spending that useless one hour in tutorial. talked and ate for about an hour until she had to go to her next lesson. went back to hall and slept for a while more cause I only got to sleep at 3am and had to wake up at 6.30am. :( sleep deprived. but still, the day was good.

went to VivoCity after waking up to get some art stuff from daiso and then went looking for bbff's present again. ehh. long story dearie. the first present can't be sent over. hahas. might get detained at customs, so I'll pass it to you when I see you next as your Christmas present ks. hahas. but omg. I have less than 10days to search and post the present so that it'll get to him in time. currently looking for a solution to hmm. secret! :) it's supposed to be a surprise. :P I think I know what I wanna get him, but I haven't decided cause I feel that it's too common. but I don't want common for someone special. lols. we'll see I guess. 10more days, 10more days.

bought a book at onepage and then ate a long long long lunch of salad and rosti at marche while enjoying my book! everyone was askin how was my lunch. and my answer, of course it was good! it seriously was. I think from now on if I have nothing to do on Fridays, I'll spent it something like today. :) bbff, at all the countries we go to, can we put aside one day to just stone? hahas. stoning seems like quite an enjoyable activity. and it'd be a good time to rest from all the running around we'd me be doing.

after lunch, continued present hunting and then adjourned to queensway shopping center to collect my spectacles that were supposed to be collected about a month and a half ago. hahas. been so busy with hall and school and the mentoring project that I haven't been able to make a trip down. my specs are looking good! took a few camwhorish pictures that I'll upload in this post later tonight. hee. :) walked around a bit but didn't find anything nice. hmm. walked over to anchorpoint, walked around and bought some string for the deco in hall.

now I'm blogging from tcc in anchorpoint. :) just had desert - my favourite tiramisu and a rose Juliet drink. continued reading my book till page124. I'm more than halfway through my book already! hahas. happiness and relaxation looks like this. I haven't had so much time go just sit down and enjoy a book since feb. maybe I'll make it a once a month thing. :)

after I finish this post I'm gonna walk to ikea across the road - or maybe not, depending on the time. and then later I'll have to be in school to go for a play at 8pm in the university cultural center. after that, going back to hall to deco the level for filming tmr. :) one busy, but fulfilling day. wish you were here with me.

watch this post for todays photos! seeya!

| edit :) |




these are pictures that i took of OneFive during our meeting on thursday. 8 out of the 10 kids that i'm taking were there. and it was really exciting seeing them starting to take charge of the project with such enthusiasm and drive. ^^ i hope that it'll continue on all the way to the end of the project. even though it's just the start, i'm already really proud of them and i believe that they'll do many big things in the next few months. :) and i'm also very proud to have yvonne as my co-mentor. i think we really match each other cause we make up for each others lackings. hee. so honored to be working with you yvon.



ahh. this is a very beautiful shot that i took at VivoCity, on impulse, on my iPhone. :) very proud of the shot because it's really quite artistic with the fountain and the kids in the middle. actually, i'm thinking of getting one of those professional looking cameras that give higher quality photos. it doesn't have to be a damn expensive camera - cause i am after all just a beginner. but yeap. i want to dabble into photography, but now is not the time.





















































































that's me in my new specs! do they make me look a little older? bitchier? hahas. i chose it because it looked bitchy. :P aids in the hmmm. scare factor? my friends always say that i cannot look fierce or scary. and that i'm a bad liar because i can never hide things for long. haaas. so i thought maybe a particular pair of specs with a bit more personality might add on to the scary side of me. maybe it'd help me tell white lies better too. :D HAHAS. check out the first picture. that's the detail on the side of the specs and that's what made me choose that pair! lols. and it's in my almost favourite colour - red. (if you didn't know, my fav. colour is PINK. :P)





























































cute stuff at anchorpoint. obviously they are the toilet signages. but i thought that it was cute because these are like life-sized wooden things that are stuck to the wall, and admit it, they look quite cute! ^^ was attracted to it and took shots of them after i came out of the washroom. haa. but guess what, despite the "signs" being so HUGE, the washroom is super hard to find because they are all hidden deep in the depths of the shopping center, or shielded by huge wooden panels that look like the continuation of the wall. sians.



this is from the university cultural center. haa. in the toilet again. today the toilet's have very interesting things. it's the "instructions" on the paper dispenser in each cubicle - it says "pull here *arrow arrow* tear here *arrow*" LOLS! it was just super random luhh. don't mind me. :P and randomly i thought it was funny so i took a shot of it.































THIS. hahas. this one is LEGEND because it has a story behind it. it was what i bought for our first year anniversary, which obviously didn't get to it. they were originally a pair of don'tknowwhatkindofmetal bracelets - one for the guy and one for the girl. obviously, the guy's design was simpler and less flashy. the girl's design was brighter and glittery-er. but earlier this year, i had them converted into a single necklace because something told me that you didn't need anything on your wrists anymore. and my intuition was right. you already have a hair tie there. no more place for anything else. :( i guess. i just collected the necklace not long ago. but now i wear it everyday, to keep you even nearer to me - even though you never wore it. but it still represents something that you were supposed to own. hah. funny. sighs. somehow i feel so pathetic - going to such extremes just to lie to myself, something that i'm not exactly very good at. lols.

self-deception is a trick of the mind.

hahas. the piece we have there - you guessed the tangible one, the flat, square, originally white thing that's now blue and i think gold/silver. the intangible one is the whole place. that's why i said that it won't disappear unless the building gets demolished. going back to ny is like walking into a time machine - the difference is that the people are different. but the place, the classrooms - they are all the same. the memories still lurk in corners that we have forgotten. the memories that i remember alone? idk. :) only you have the answers. sighs. i realize that i'm sounding so uncertain. because i cannot fathom what you are thinking.

rar. quelyn, remember to always believe in who you are!!

my wall. sighs. my wall is BEP! sighs. the premier screening is in 10DAYS! and we still haven't finish filming about a million scenes. and my very important female lead is like busyyyy. :( i'm getting damn stressed over this cause i know how important the BEP is, not only to me, but the block as well. publicity is going to go up soon and here i am without a full cast able to film. so i have to find a million and one alternative solutions to make sure that by the 1st of April, the production will screen without a glitch. F- STRESSED. :( wish wish wish you were here. you'd probably say something right to calm my nerves and get me back on track because whenever you're around, you help me make sense when my brain just doesn't want to think logically. and currently i'm just worrying my head off. because i can't get the cast, i can't get the cameraman. argh. I CAN'T GET ANYBODY! whyyy. rar. i need to think of solutions. solutions. solutions.

quelyn, don't panic. something will come up.
it's gonna be another sleepless night...

today i hit a kind of wall. it's not very big, but to me, it spoilt my perfect plan. :( but i'm too tired to blog now. sighs. i shall think of all the other possibilities before i get moody. hahas. think quelyn, think. there has to be something else that can be done.

exciting man. and i didn't go for tutorial this morning. because i didn't feel like it. because i didn't sleep too well yesterday night. sweet dreams really does help in the no nightmares part, but it doesn't work on the weather. hahas. woke up a gazillion times because the weather was crazy yesterday night. slept really soundly at first but got woken up by a message from korie. replied then went back to sleep. then it became too cold so woke up to turn the fan down. still too cold, turned the fan down again. then it became too hot, so i turned the fan up. and then after a while it started raining, so woke up to close the windows. sians. like TOTALLY. the weather and temperature was so erratic cause it was going to rain.

going back to nyjc today for OneFive's meeting. can't wait to see how the kids are doing. :) they're going to meet their beneficiary/organization today, so i hope they have good news for us at 5.30pm. anywho, i'm still very proud of all of them for taking up such a project because all of them are J2s and it's their Alvl year. i have one 31st councillor (yey!) and at this time of the year, council is busy with tying up all projects and training up the next batch (i would know very well. hahas.). and i totally forgot to blog about this - i have 3 band kids. hahas. but all of them play the clarinet, so yah, it's totally different from him. but i'm very proud of them because this year is SYF year (goodness. i know how stressful it is.i SYF-ed for drama, choir & band in secondary school and wanted to DIE from all the late night practices and fine-tuning on sound, balance, smoothness etc. etc. etc. omg.) damn proud of my band kids. i have a hockey boy, a netballer and a judo girl - these three are amazing cause they totally don't look like sportspeople, but they are! testimony to the phrase "don't judge a book by its cover". one from the interact club. and the rest from CNNY. cute mix of people and strengths. :)

oh. and i don't know if i told you, there's a piece of us (you know who you are ^^) that will be in nyjc forever. hahas. the place that you hate the most, the timeframe of the past that i most want to go back to (okay, maybe not so much anymore cause the present is what matters). but yes, i left something there that will be there until they decide to take it down or demolish the school. if you don't know about it, maybe, just maybe, one day i'll bring you there if the right time comes along. if you do know about it, hahas, forgive my memory. it's failing me. because i almost forgot there was such a thing in ny, until that day i went back to run on the track and saw it once again. it unlocked a lot of memories that i purposely locked away - memories that you probably have forgotten because you've got so many new ones.

sometimes i feel that this blog is not just a blog. it's like a collection of letters to you. a collection of all the emotions that run through me. and at one point of time, it was the only way of communicating with you. it's like my daily dose of "talking" to you, telling you about what's happening in my life and what i'm doing. but then i realize, it's mostly one way. i realize i don't really know what you're doing and what's going on in your life. hahas. i'm so naive.

ohwell. i'm looking forward to the rest of today. :)
and i wonder how SingPost works with its mail to down under.
sighs. i'm such a noob. :P

honestly, there's a part of me that doesn't want to walk into that grey area between us. not just because it's dangerous, but also because i know that it's wrong - and more importantly, i'll probably be there alone. but the other part of me has long stepped into that area because i cannot help myself. the temptation is too much to bear. the emotions too strong for logic to overcome. i know that there are people watching me, knowing i want to spend my life with you and then telling me not too walk too deep in. maybe because they are watching from a third person point of view, they know that the outcome may not be what i want, because there's another her in the picture. but precisely because they are looking from a third person's point of view that they cannot see the emotions and connections between us.

and no matter how strong or weak those connections are, i'll do my darnest to make sure that they stay there, to keep them alive until the day i die, or the day i give up, whichever comes earlier. but giving up, is definitely not an option in the near future, as far as i can see. honestly, there are days where i do feel tired because i know that it's going to be a long "fight" - but because i remind myself that you're worth it, no matter what you think about yourself, no matter what anyone else says. those are my weak days. and my strong days are when you make me feel it's really all worth it - even though you're doing and saying things as, a friend. a close friend. an extremely close friend. hahas. i have no words to express what kind of friend you are to me. words just fail me here.

but randomly, if you drink wine, the 1999 Chateau Palmer will best describe the feelings that i have. maybe one day we'll drink it and you'll understand. or maybe you won't. maybe i'll explain it to you. and then, maybe i won't. it doesn't matter right now though, cause i'm talking about the future.



just finished our block's STJ, and i had quite a lot of fun. :) was said to be "Favourite Junior" twice by my dearest Winson & MingFeng. hahas. THANK YOU! now that i'm your favourite, will you buy me ice-cream more often? :P lols. but yeaps, had fun playing some old games that they used to play in the past. and the food was really good! esp. the curry - it was really awesome. and although it was really late to be eating such things, i did have my fair share of food. bleah. need to run more tomorrow. AND WE DIDN'T FILM TODAY! hahas. damn relieved. cause i'm not really in the mood to film today. my brain's just totally not working. i think i'm just being moody today.

and i realized that the sky tonight was really beautiful cause i could see the stars so clearly. :) spotted Orion. and many many other bright stars too. lols. but andy said that it's only because it was a clear, cloudless night. i hope that when you're here, it'll be cloudless every night. then maybe we can do a bit of stargazing. or maybe not cause you'll be too tired from all the walking that you do during the day. sighs. but i'm still glad i saw stars tonight. :D reminds me of the time i was in thailand in 2006, doing sentry duty during the camp for the upper primary school kids. so many shooting stars and even more stars. so many wishes that i made. but they mostly revolved around :) you.

ahh. going to sleep already. need to wake up early for classes. sighs. CAN I NOT GO TO SCHOOL? stupid question - cause i got no such luck. :P school's my life till the end of semester. sighs again. hahas. good night, and yes, sweet dreams. :)

somehow i feel i wasted today. and somehow i feel that i'll waste away the rest of the week as well. simply because i think that this is my "downtime" where i'm very busy, but have no motivation to do anything because my body simply doesn't want to listen to me. spent most of the day sleeping and watching dragonball evolution online - because i have to write an introduction for a study on dragonball and i have totally no idea what it's all about. watched about 30mins of it and probably got an idea of what the whole story is about. but i haven't finished the movie yet. definitely something that i will not pay 10bucks to go and watch unless i'm in good company.

ate a late lunch of yesterday's dinner and this morning's breakfast that was delivered. dinner at the comm hall with my dear eekers - i think i'm definitely going to make it an almost daily affair to eat with them cause i realize that i don't have much time with them. esp. the year4s who are graduating and are not going to be in hall the next academic year. :( i need to spend more time with my level6 boys during the nights cause i've been neglecting them, esp. since we started this semester. sighs. that means i'll need more sleep during the day.

going for a job interview on friday. i think i'm damn efficient. :) missed an opportunity to work at the bar tonight and tmr night because there's filming for BEP today and i have a PVC meeting + block comm meeting tomorrow. sighs. ohwell. it's still the school term and there are trade-offs to be made. after this school term, i'm going to have to move out of sheares hall for about 3months, or maybe less cause i'll be coming back for Rag Dance. i think i'll miss living in sheares. next academic year, i might be changing rooms. still on the level7, but to a room facing the outside so that at night, i'll have some beautiful scenery to look at. after talking to you that night on the rooftop, i feel like having that scenery every night. :D and we won't have to sleep with the blinds closed anymore.

filming BEP later at 9pm. lateness & stressness are a bad combination. sighs. and i feel like having an ice-cream now. actually, no, anything cold will do - as long as it's not water. sighs. cold milk, cold juice, anything cold. but i don't have. :( ohwell. AHH. randomness is setting in. going back to the quite boring dragonball movie. RAR. OH. before i go, there's a few pictures from yesterday's PONDING session! :D

just woke up from another nightmare, at 1:06pm. my goodness. i have never woken up this late before. why does my body allow itself to sleep through the horror that my mind plays? i'm a person who rarely has dreams, but recently they've been getting more frequent - and there are more nightmares than sweet ones. i seriously need someone who will wish me "sweet dreams". but i think that's inconsequential because no one will fit that bill unless it's... sighs.

i guess sleeping in till so late is my body's way of protesting for more rest - yes, i think i definitely need it. i've been working throughout as if nothing's wrong the past few days. no one in hall knows i'm not feeling well - and i'm damn proud of it because i have such good acting skills. with so many responsibilities and deadlines that we have, i need to be stronger than this. argh. but i need my rest too. sighs. hate it when there's so many things to do cause i just shift into overload mode. have to change this damn bad habit. :(

nightmare, nightmare, go away
don't come back another day

i think it's the devil trying to break me down. he knows that my greatest weakness now is the fact that i'm feeling lonely - because all my friends are becoming official with their boys and they're having less time to spend with me. but i swear that i'll be stronger than this. because my friends are still my friends, i still have N415, and of course, i still have the very far away him. i will be stronger than this because i know that there are people around me. stupid devil, don't try your #$%^ dirty tricks on me you sick bas*ard. you're called the devil for a reason. and i'm the princess of God for a reason. so don't be a sick AH.

finally finished the script! - ok, almost finished. still have one more scene to go, which i actually don't really want to write because i really have no inspiration for it. quite excited to see how this whole thing will turn out cause afterall, it's the hardwork of all my dear Eekers. :D it premiers April 1st (nope, i'm not fooling around!) and i wish you were here to see it - friends and family are invited you see. anywho, i'm excited about tonight and quite stressed too because we're filming a major scene and in between i have to rush off for two photoshoots. sighs. in his words, i have a lot of "funny funny" things to do - which i will disagree on the "funny funny" part. :P

and i'm feeling loads better. fever's gone but i'm aching all over. sighs. whatever luhh. i have so many other things to do, can't think about this too much. i think i have to psycho myself and tell myself that it's not pain. it's not pain. it's not pain. then maybe it'll really not be pain. HAH. sighs again. now i feel like sleeping.

randomly, i was quite shocked that you called. hahas. and this morning when i woke up, the first thing that came to my mind was "did i really talk to him yesterday?". maybe it's because it's been so long since i've heard your voice over the phone like that and to me, it's really too good to be real, like a dream come true. cliched shit, but it's true. it's been so long since i've said somethings out loud that i'm so unused to it and i spew a few vulgarities after saying it because it feels so right yet so wrong and my mind is thrown into confusion.

but, i like the way i can be myself when i'm with you. i don't have to hide - even if i do at first, it eventually comes out. with you, i feel at ease. you are definitely my weakness. my best friend. 我唯一的知己. but somehow, it was different too - a difference that i liked. ^^ you talked more in than you did in the past. the silences were more comfortable. and even though now you're even further away from me than you've ever been, your presence feels closer. and i know it's wrong to feel this way. but i cannot help it. simply because i love you that much. i really do.

and honestly, i'm afraid that one day i'll find out that this is all a dream. because i realize i'm getting too greedy for my own good. i know that the more i hope for something to happen, the greater the disappointment will be if it doesn't happen. but for now, i honestly don't care. to me, if i can make memories now, it should be more than enough. it should be. hopefully. (:





oh. this post is so random.
but that's what makes this blog mine.

^^

today i just feel so sick and tired. and so i'm skipping all my lessons. anyway, i can't write, so what's the use of going to lesson? and i woke up at like 1pm and half my lessons are over already. argh. and i have sp many things to complete. this week is going to be one freakin hectic week - so many things to do, so little time.

*screams out*
help me.

yah, you probably already know - i had this urge to call you in the middle of the freakin night, simply because i miss you. honestly, i don't know how it came about, but it's probably all the songs that i heard in kbox that made me think of you, even though i was in a room with like 10 other people.



had a surprise kbox celebration for birthday boy clarence who turns 21 this year. :) but obviously it was a failed surprise cause he already suspected and knew that we were going to surprise him at kbox. sighs. but i'm glad he had a good time - i know i did. some of them said i should go join some singing competitions, but i think that it's not the time yet. i'm busy with so many things, and i want to settle them first. singing - i do it because i want you to hear my voice, even though i'm unable to hear yours. and of course because i want my parents to take a second look at me. LOLS. people want fame and fortune. i just want the simplest of attention.

nothing else much to blog tonight/this morning (it's 2:19am) i just want to sleep. and oh. the hand is not really getting better. :( sians. i think i may very well need to go to like the chinese sinseh or something cause self-medication doesn't seem to be working. but i'm VERY reluctant to go because of the pain that he'll put me through. sighs. i'm going to bathe and sleep then. started this post right after i reach back hall. it's MONDAY - and the dreaded blues are here again, i think.

nights.
love you.

on a side note, i feel loved today
because i saw someone's msg EVERYWHERE! :D
love you too. ♥
you know who you are. hee.

and on another note, everyone who's liked me in the last year or so popped out today! i finally know who 30rose guys is. this friend from a module i took last semester fessed up to it. and then someone else whom i was guessing liked me told me today too. guess what - TODAY IS WHITE VALENTINES'. is that why i'm finding out today? or maybe it was just a coincidence. :P but even though all of you are not going to be my boys anytime soon (really, don't think about it, it honestly won't work out), i still feel loved! ♥

but on another note, it feels too real to be true.
and i'm afraid, so afraid of losing you - the one who matters.

dearest you:
this probably comes as no surprise to you, but i'm thinking of you more than i should too (and yes, i was surprised when i read that line in your "letter"). not just because i still think about the you of the past, but also because my feelings grew stronger and even more resolute when i saw you again - because of the changes that i saw in you (but then again i question, did you become who you are because of her?).

i know you'd think about me, because afterall, we have a past, and i'm hoping that maybe we'll have a future. but more importantly, we have a present that i want to treasure, right here, right now. knowing you for so long, i know the kind of girl that you like. unfortunately for you, i'm only half of that "perfect" girl. unfortunately for me, i'm unconsciously working on that other half that i do not live up to right now. i don't like that part of me right now because i believe that i shouldn't change because of anyone. i am who i am, and i want the person whom i spend my life with to love me as i am. but the other 90% of my brain doesn't work in that way - it thinks of you more than me.

boy, i'll honestly tell you, it takes a lot of time, effort and ultimately sacrifice to take that initiative (i'd like to say more, but i don't want to compare, it's not my place to say anything more). i did it then, and i still do it almost three years later, no matter how busy life gets, how packed my schedule is, or how many more things i have to settle - cause i love you, and many times, even though you don't know, and even though it didn't seem like it when you were here, you always come first. but it has changed over the years because i've learnt to be less suffocating, i've learnt to give you your own space. however, i've never learnt to stop sacrificing and giving - you are my weakness, in a good way.

but right here, right now, i'm not expecting anything in return
because i just want to cherish the now.
because i know it's not my place.

i just want to thank you for your honesty. and for reading my long, long reply letter. and for thinking of and missing me - it really means a lot to me, no matter how small these thoughts are. it's nice knowing that i'm missed when i'm feeling alone and thinking of you. i know what i'm waiting for is perhaps a faraway dream, but as i said, what's precious to me is the present. the future will unfold itself in due course. :) but no matter what it is, i too won't lose you, and will never let you go. for the rest of my life, you'll be a part of it - someway, somehow. ^^

and don't put yourself down - i love you just the way you are, the good and the bad. being happy with the one that i love doesn't mean that everything is perfect, it just means that i've decided to look deeper beyond those imperfections, accepting and loving the imperfect you as much as i love the perfect side of you.

goodnight.
love, me.

p.s. read this letter well! hahas. my hand is in pain after writing it. :P but i'm going to sleep already, so i won't feel it that much.

p.s.s. i've got clearance to go to aussieland for holidays at the end of the year! but, :( i have to work super hard now cause no one's financing my trip. hee.

p.s.s.s. three weeks have flown by so quickly. how are you doing down under? coping with school? are you still working? been really busy i guess.
i miss "hearing" your voice even though you just wrote a damn long letter.i miss your smile too, and that sparkle in your eyes, and your unique smell.
basically, i just miss all of you. :)

the other day i met OMC for bible study and it was about the fatherhood of God. at the end of the lesson, she asked me to write a letter to my earthly dad. and i've been thinking about it. i haven't seen my dad for a long, long, long time. and in all honesty, i don't even know where he is now. something about me many people don't know - my parents are divorced and i don't get to see them as much as i'd like to. and also because my parents are always overseas and well, just MIA. sighs. everyone i love and care about and whom i really want to hear from is MIA. and i feel damn f- alone even though i'm surrounded by so many people, so many friends.

but i still thank God for friends who surround me. the dim that loneliness, even if just that bit.

back to the original topic, i really, really don't know what i would say in a letter to my dad. i hate you for what you did to the family, but i still love you because i was always your little princess. is that all i would say to him? sighs. i don't know. i was talking to D. once in a cab while he was giving me a lift back home and it slipped. i told him, i wanna be famous. i wanna be a superstar. and i told him because it was my passion. D. is a life coach and as all coaches/mentors do, they ask questions that make you think deeper. and the truth came out. it's not just because it's a passion that i wanna be a superstar. it's because i want my parents to give me that attention that i want from them. maybe i'm too small for them to care at times because in their life, they have so many bigger things to do, things that may change and shift the nation and the world economy tomorrow. and so, small little me is inconsequential.

and i didn't tell this to him but, i want the attention of a few other people as well - a long lost friend that i haven't seen since primary school and whose number i don't have because he migrated to another country, i want to meet him again and tell him that i'm sorry and i didn't mean what i said. we were young and foolish then, and i really do love you as a friend. - attention from my family. i've always been estranged from my paternal family because i never was able to speak chinese as a kid. and after a while, we just stopped trying to speak to each other, me and my cousins. and they started thinking that i was being arrogant and aloof. but that's not the truth. i just couldn't speak the language. and now that i can, we still have no common topics because we rarely meet each other. - and of course, the last one, i don't need to explain because these two VIM, very important men are always around somewhere, but they rarely appear. they care, but they don't show it, typical chinese men. hahas.

and i still don't know what i'd say to my dad.
but there's one question i'll ask.
"daddy, where are you?" :(

i feel so f- weak. i thought of you the whole night, yes you who's so far away from me. i stood at the door of the bar, looking at the two seats in the middle of the platform and imagined you sitting there, drinking beer, like i saw you doing in the pictures down under. the whole night until i got distracted by my friends who came down to visit me. and then i drank and drank, but couldn't and didn't get drunk - i'm here blogging at 2.56am. i miss you. i miss you. i miss you. the whole night, "Lucky" was playing in my head and i know it doesn't apply to us, but still - it means a lot to me. ever since i heard it playing on your iMini, it hasn't left my head.

boy, i hear you in my dreams. almost every night. no, i don't feel your whisper across the ocean because i know you're whispering to someone else. but i do keep you with me in my heart, because it really makes things easier when life gets hard. because i hear your voice, telling me what i should and should not do or feel. thinking of you makes me want to work harder to become a better person, just so that maybe one day you'll look at me again - in the way you used to so long ago. yes, i'm in love with my best friend - the only one who knows so much about me. so many other things that even my parents and korie don't know about. because you are the only one that i trust with so many of my secrets. lucky to have been where i was with you then, and now. whatever our relationship, i'm just one lucky girl to have you as my closest person. even though i'm not entitled to it, everytime we say goodbye, i wish we had a bit more time with each other, just one more hug, or one more kiss. and i'll wait for you. i promise you, i will.

tonight, it's my moment of weakness. don't judge me for loving someone i shouldn't. i drank, but couldn't forget. i slept, but couldn't shake his memory off. because i miss him so badly. because i haven't heard from him. because, i just miss his voice, his presence in my life. being so honest as i am now, i know some people reading will judge me. but i don't care. i just want to be true to myself. i don't want to hide anymore. because. because i want to be honest with him.

you know who you are, you'll always be my best friend - and that's what i'm trying to see you as. but sometimes, i just miss you in that way because i love you so much. you might hate me for it, but i'd rather be truthful than lie to myself. i've lied to myself for too long, and i want to be selfish, just this once or twice more.

sighs. have to blog a bit while I work to clear my head. can't concentrate since I came here half an hour ago cause my mind keeps wondering. hand still hurts like goodness know what. but I had to work cause I couldn't find a replacement. plus it's a Friday, I couldn't leave my dear divan with a lack of staff. but I'm afraid that I can't concentrate tonight. sighs, I'll leave it at here. enjoy the rest of Friday night everyone.

just finished a whole night's worth of hall activities, starting at 8pm till now. sighs. started off with an inter-block human-sized board game competition, and BLOCK E, my block, WON THE GRAND PRIZE! :D it was a fun time hanging out with all the freshies and seniors alike. as well as having somewhat of an interaction with the other blocks. because the competition was held at the lobby, we could make almost all the noise in the world. hahas. so there was shouting and friendly bantering.

10.30pm Block E's annual inter-year captain's ball. we Yr1s got second placing among three. it was really fun because the first match we were up against the Yr3s and we totally trashed them. there was a rematch with them again at the end of the game cause some of the rules changed, but we still trashed them. the Yr2s were strong competition cause a lot of them were in the IHG first teams for our hall. oh. so were some of the Yr3s, but i think the Yr3s let us win the competition. played most of the games, had a great run and ball-catching time. BUT I SPRAINED MY THUMB. i don't know how the hell that works, but the area around my thumb is painful and swollen. !$&%#%&$^*$@ - seriously feel like swearing, but it won't help, so i won't waste my energy either. argh, it's painful to blog too. cause i have to get used to not using my thumb to type. rar.

i'm only blogging cause i need to cool off from the game before i can bathe.

ah. and we filmed the first Block E Production (after here known as BEP) scene less than one and a half hours ago! :D i'm very happy, very excited, very tired and somewhat stressed. BEP is my "baby" for this semester, you know baobei. lols. so it's very important to me cause BEP will be my biggest contribution to the block. i'm usually MIA for some events, especially when i have my own events clashing with it. so i feel that i haven't contributed much back to the block. BEP is my ultimate act of service in my term, gift, and sacrifice to my block this annual year. we shot a scene like in the middle of nowhere, but i'm happy. :D THANK YOU TO ALL EEKERS WHO WERE PRESENT, KARTHIK, PEISUN & THE OTHER GUY WHOSE NAME I FORGOT (sorry!!) for the time and effort that you contributed today. you made our first shoot a success. :D

my other baobei for this semester is Project Vibrant Colours (after here known as PVC), but this baobei gives back to society instead. i'm glad that i'm doing something meaningful with my life, finally. unlike last semester which i feel was quite wasted, somewhat at least. cause although i got a somewhat good CAP, i could have done better. and, maybe it wasn't totally wasted - i did learn a few more things about life and about the world through the things that i shouldn't have been doing. saw another side of society and well, i liked it for a while. but now, i've turned back to the light. wonder if in the future i'll go back to the dark side. but for now, at least for the next year, i don't think i will.

no, don't be silly, i don't mean the japanese hair wax gatsby, but the character Gatsby from F. Scott Fitzgerald's "The Great Gatsby". don't want to explain here cause most people won't understand anyway cause not many people have read that book before. i'm reading the book for the maybe 10th time because it was my Alvl literature text as well as my EN1101E literature text, but also, a book that i read when i've got nothing to do. :)

ah. anyways, i finally finished all my midterms already! YEY! :D and i went to the library yesterday to borrow some books. one on censorship in china, the other on female representation in american media. started on the censorship one already. lols. i feel like a nerd. bleah. but i think it'll be a good read cause anyway i'm taking a module on new media this semester.

had my second meeting with One-Five yesterday and it was quite good. but it's going to be a challenge cause we have 5more new members in the team - FINALLY. girls! now the team is equal in our boy-girl ratio 5:5. whee. but yeah, it's still going to be challenge because we have to build the trust and bonding again. but i believe that we & i can. ^^ had really cute feedback from the members. they said that yvonne who is actually the youngest child in her family looks like the eldest child, and me, who's actually the eldest looks like an only child. hmm. to some extent, i guess it's true. i've got both the confidence and insecurity of the only child and the youngest child, so many people think that i don't have siblings. cute.

was talking to Qiao yesterday again and it's decided that we, or at least i will be having "graduation trips" every year! i mean, why wait 4years before you go on one when you can go on one every year. of course, financially it's going to be a stretch because now that i'm financially "independent" somewhat, my parents aren't really going to finance all my whims and fancies. so obviously, i have to work.

our first destination, Australia! for many many reasons, but mostly because we both unanimously agreed that we want to go to all the "world worlds" or in more formal terms the THEME PARKS! not only the crazy roller coaster rides, but all the running around the theme park and watching the parades, take tons of pictures. OMG! and also, gives me more motivation to work towards the grossly underweight (not literally. hahas.) figure that i want - so that we can wear BIKINIS to the water worlds and splash the whole day long. :P but the plans are still very, extremely flimsy. we want to go to sydney too and maybe melbourne (to visit my dear dania if she's there.) and obviously there will be someone else on my list, without fail. hee. and anyway, i wanted to go to australia too cause it's easier to count currency because the exchange rates are very very close. so yeap. i don't need to convert how much i need to spend into another amount. maths and quelyn just don't work out.

our second and third destinations have not been discussed, but our actual graduation trip, after year4 will definitely be a backpacking trip to somewhere. destination undecided. another actual graduation trip after year4 with JY & Nic, our long, long overdue ROAD TRIP. now that they both have bfs that can drive, we'll just bring one of them along. or both of them can bring their bfs along and i'll just be the 5th person. lols. unless there's a 6th person that wants to come along, but it's highly unlikely.

thinking about it makes me more motivated to save money and of course earn money. hee.