really nice song that i heard a few years ago, but it didn't come back to me till recently. and i find that there's a lot of meaning in this particular song because what is said is really true. "fathers, be good to your daughters/daughters will love like you do" - i really feel this line because up to a certain point of time, i was really like my father. many people know him as a very nice man whom i always talk about (of course, i don't put my father down in front of other people), but what they don't know is that his love is one that is always here but, not here. there, but not there. he can be in love with many women at the same time, and i feel that there was one point of time where i learnt from him. i had 4"steads" and was flirting with a few more guys. HAHAS. bet you readers never thought that there was this side to me. but, it's true, i was "loving" like my father did.

but i'm glad that since then, i've changed.

sometimes i feel that this "father" topic is something that we don't really talk about. i mean, i know he's somewhere in the world, but i'm never really sure where he is. singapore? vietnam? africa? i don't know, and i haven't seen him physically for about a year maybe? i can't even remember if i saw him during chinese new year. to say that i don't miss him, is a lie. but at home, we don't really talk about him because mother will just throw a fit and start saying a tonne of things you don't want to hear about him.

and "on behalf of every man/looking out for every girl/you are the guide and the weight of her world" - is so true for me currently. my life wouldn't be the same without these two, well, "men" - God, whose somewhat taken the place of my earthly father and korie, who has always been my guide and the weight of my world after God. :) i realize that for every major change that i went through in the last maybe 4years, korie has always been by my side, being my guide and weighing me down when i start to lose track of reality, holding me up when i cannot stand on my own two feet. of course there were other people who were also there for me, like my besties and N233/N415, but i realize that most of the time, i run to him for comfort because i know he won't judge me. instead, he will comfort when he needs to, gentle chide me when i do something wrong, and is always very honest with me. :) thanks korie, for standing by my side through my darkest moments, for holding me up when my heart was broken, for lending me a shoulder when my grandmother died, for helping me find my confidence again. simply for being by my side without asking for anything in return. you're one of the greatest blessings tat God has given to me, and i wouldn't know what to do without a brother like you. :))

but i think more than korie, i have to thank another person - God. cause he's really the one who made me, moulded me and he's the one who really knows me more than any person in the world. even my parents don't know me as much as he does. :) and i don't know what to say because words really fail me when it comes to God. hahas. but i thank him for creating me, seeing me through everything and blessing me with good friends and people around me.

well, enjoy your day! i'm going night cycling tonight. :)
argh. but i'm going to study now. HAHAS. bye!

somethings are changing, for good and for bad. somethings are getting easier to do, others harder. after putting someone down, i was telling QiaoQiao, i feel so much more freedom to do whatever i want, love whoever i want and really, just live myself, being who i really am. and after three years, the real me finally has a chance to come out and play. i know that the next one who comes along, will not only be better, but will also be someone who allows me to be who i am without complaining about me making up, my specs, my habits, whatever. love me for who i am boy, or don't love me at all. :)

found someone who seems to really know me inside out. knows what i'm thinking. encourages when i need it, without me even telling him anything. notices the small, really minute changes in me and on me. but i'm really afraid to think too much into this relationship because it's really so strong, yet so fragile. i don't know how to describe this relationship that we have. hahas. but, i guess i won't think too much because, it won't do any good. there's too much at stake right now between us, so i don't want to lose our friendship.

found another someone too. hahas. quiet, thoughtful. sweet, gentle. intelligent too. hahas. but seriously, we just met and i don't want to think too much. i'm just beginning to know him, but i have to admit, that he is really my type. actually both guys are, more than the gone and over him. both of them are tall, good built, somewhat sporty/athletic, actually shows that they care for me in practical ways instead of just saying that they do.

one thing to learn cb, sometimes, actions speak louder than words. i'm sorry. i know you've said you cared like three million times, but it's all just words. and in this world, words are actually worthless. like this blog, every single word that i type, is worthless. i can't make money from these words, all they are are just emptiness that reflect thoughts, wants, needs and deeds. and your words, are like this space too.

or maybe it's just me, i prefer seeing people acting on the "i care for you". it's called practical love. but i guess, that wasn't the way that the old guy worked. hahas. but for now, for me, i'm not wanting to get into a relationship anytime soon. seeing all my friends going into relationships, i don't envy them because they've all had privileges taken away from them - like no clubbing, no colourful clothes etc. i want to stay my colourful, happy bubble, clubber self for now.

single, looking, but not available yet.
nice. :)

been making loads of memories, but really no time to update. :( i'll update everything in a summary when i've got time. :))

sometimes i feel that people don't really know what i want to be when i grow up. but it's not because i didn't tell them. it's because they don't believe in what i say. you know why i fell in love with facilitation and the TAM group of people? - because they believe in you and your dreams, no matter how stupid or impossible it may seem. they never put anyone down, in fact they do the opposite, they support and encourage.

maybe some people should learn to be supportive and encouraging too. i try to be as much as i can, and i've learnt that if i've got nothing good to say, i won't say anything to that person. no matter what opinions or judgements i have about another person, i shut up and continue to positively encourage and support them.

THE IMPOSSIBLE IS ALWAYS POSSIBLE. - believe it.

SNAP! :D just finished watching Les Choristes - one of the best film art movies that i've watched in a long time. saw it once before during Movie Night that 29th organized in NY. and really missed it. watching it again bring back old memories and new perspectives because it's like everytime you watch a movie, you gain something more to your understanding and experience. :)) today's memory really quickly - ran errands at the bank for my mom and then went people watching at coffee bean for a while. M was there for about 15mins and bought me coffee. thanks bro. people watched till about 1pm and then went for cellgroup which was totally packed!! joe's orange room will no longer be able to fit all of us in. hees. fellowshiped, then played jenga. LOLS. cabbed to VivoCity with korie (thanks for the cab ride!) and then met mom & my bro to grab dinner. came back to watch LC, and fell in love with it all over again.

kinda mundane a day, but it's good to just relax a little and not do anything too exciting or something that will, hmm, wind up late into the night. stopped watching football/soccer already cause anyway i've got no more team to support. HAHAS. right. so i'm heading of to sleep now.

CIAO. :)

i love the age that i'm at right now cause i'm young. but there are times when i really want to be above 21 because i don't need parental consent all the time. one very good example is when i sign up for marathons, i ALWAYS need parental consent. ARGH!! ok. going to sleep. goood night. :))

Als die Nazis die Kommunisten holten,
habe ich geschwiegen;
ich war ja kein Kommunist.

Als sie die Sozialdemokraten einsperrten,
habe ich geschwiegen;
ich war ja kein Sozialdemokrat.

Als sie die Gewerkschafter holten,
habe ich nicht protestiert;
ich war ja kein Gewerkschafter.

Als sie die Juden holten,
habe ich geschwiegen;
ich war ja kein Jude.

Als sie mich holten,
gab es keinen mehr, der protestieren konnte.



starting this post with something very powerful. it's in german, so don't worry if you don't understand. the poem is attributed to a speech that Pastor Martin Niemoller made, with regards to the inactivity of German intellectuals during the rise of Nazi power and how Hitler, while purging group after group, was not stopped by these people. and eventually, when everyone else was purged, the silent ones themselves were to be exterminated, but there was no one to speak up for them.

and sometimes i feel that, this is how society works on various levels. no matter how rich and developed a country or society is, there will always be these groups of people who are ignored, forgotten, underprivileged and somewhat "purged" from society. these are the old, the handicapped, the diseased, the poor and the "outsiders" such as migrants and foreign workers. no matter how much "racial and religious harmony" we have in even a country like singapore, there will always be these groups of people who are left under the radar.

and i feel that in PVC, we somehow speak up for them. by raising awareness of our beneficiary's cause and plight, by raising funds for them and by interacting with the beneficiary themselves. we care for other people who are out of our racial group, income group, comfort zone etc etc. and it's really something that i think every society needs. it's not something that just NGOs or welfare/volunteer groups should do, but something that society as a whole should be participating in. just to spread the love and the care for other people. :))

THURDAY'S MEMORY: MINGLES NIGHT WAS A BLAST! met many many new people who were really nice and we clicked quite well. even though mostly people stayed in their little group of friends, the game that we played really made them open up and talk to other people. :) although we didn't meet our target of funds raised, i'm glad that at least we really had some fun. was with qiaoqiao almost the whole night and of course thomas (the train engine/"gay") as well as his buddies, elbert (:D), victor and nicholas. LOLS. really had a blast of a time with them because they're really a bunch of fun people. played connect4 most of the night and was talking crap here and there, drank and sang. whahaha. coolies. then spent the night at qiaoqiao's place because i was wiped out of all my money to be used as change.

FRIDAY'S MEMORY: woke up at qiaoqiao's place, very embarrassing cause her mom and herself was already awake like really early! but i was super tired. qiao媽 said that i was like a 小寶寶，白白胖胖. LOLS. which is quite true when i just wake up cause i'm usually like super bloated. :P went out for "breakfast" with qiaoqiao at KFC around 11plus and then went to plaza singapura to walk walk and talk talk. :) AND SOMEONE MSGED BACK! heees. haven't felt this kind of feeling for a super super long time already. you know, when you get a message from someone and you're damn nervous on how you should reply then you'll think for hours on end. hahas. but i don't think it's going nowhere cause it's really hard to carry a conversation with him. sighs. ohwell. time will tell. then later, went back to hall and my mummy picked me up! she's finally home. but she's leaving on the 1st of may again. ohwell. at least i spent sometime with her today eating lunch and then doing a bit of walking around and kinda "shopping".

signed up for the PAssion Run that's coming up in May and it's going to be my first marathon of the year. 10k. must start doing intensive training after the exams end. and now that i'm going to be moved back home, I CAN FINALLY RUN AT MACRITCHIE!! :D finally finally. like after 360million years! AND MARATHON SEASON IS COMING!! loves!

on another note, there's still some part of me that is very scared, and scarred i guess. after reading that very first email from him, there's this shadow above our friendship that's very dark and it says that if he could do something like that once, he could do it again. in fact, this is the second time he's done it. and my heart really wants to give him a third chance, but the mind is very afraid. sighs. whatever. we'll let time do what it does. maybe, just maybe one day, our friendship will go back to being what we were before.

ciaos. i'm having an early night, i think. :)

if there's one thing that i'm proud of myself, it's that i can finally say, i don't love you anymore - not in that way at least. because i'm sick and tired of it. i read some of the mails before that final one and i really have a lot to say because there were some people who told me, "this, this, that, that etc. is what he's going to do and say" and i told them, you must be kidding, he's not that kind of person. but those mails, very sadly, proved them right.

me, scary and cold-hearted? i'm sorry, but this one i have to say something. in all my 19 years of life, no one has ever said that to me. in fact when i tried to be scary or cold-hearted, they laughed at me saying that i really cannot make it. and, i was the one who wrote those posts, so obviously i know what feelings i had when i was writing them, definitely not what you think it was. YOU, think too much. not me. all these years, whatever i've said and i've done, my intentions and motives are all very upfront, but you've been stuck in three years ago. i told you time and again, i'm not that girl anymore, but obviously, your judgement has never changed, and you always think that there's something more to what i'm saying. you kept reading between the lines. and i'm going to stop here because if i continue, i may just say something else that will make you think that i'm scary and cold-hearted and turn you into some frenzy..

yes, i still want to be your friend, but i really think that it's not going to be the same for a while because i finally see that what the people around me have been saying is true and i'm beginning to put those judgements on you, no matter how hard i try not too. but the truth seems so clear that i have no choice but to take them into consideration. remember i said that i learnt that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them a few posts ago - now i'm beginning to see your imperfections already and i know that i'm no longer in love with you. i won't bother explaining because you'll probably take the whole topic somewhere else i don't want to go to. i know what you're thinking right now, so shut that mind of yours up.

maybe you're seeing me as more cold-hearted because now i've become very straightforward - GET OVER IT. that's how i am. if you're my friend, i'm very straightforward with you and i speak my mind very directly without hiding. ask any of my friends, they'll tell you the same thing. but whatever it is, i don't believe i'm saying this back to you - IT'S YOUR PERCEPTION OF THINGS. i can't change that. you have to think about it yourself.

i think i shall stop here because i forsee that a lot of things that i want to say will bring about alot of anger and unhappiness in you - and my predictions are always, 100% true, so don't bother denying that you're not. i shall shut up. but yes, there's no chance in the next few months that out relationship can be the same as before. maybe by the end of the year it'll be better, hopefully.

oh, and about contacting, don't bother. let's do it your way. i want to see exactly how well it works. it goes against all my principles and beliefs but whatever, you think it's right. so let's do it your way. i don't want the clubbing situation to come up again. and i don't want you to one day say that i was trying to force you to do things the way i think it's right.

sighs. contradictions and more.
what a freakin long day.

yesterday's memory, a very quick one cause i'm going to be late for mingles night out!! went to the bar to jam with the band, but found out that they changed the band. :( went to kbox by myself from 10plus till 3am and sang every song that i could think of and at 3am, i still had about 3pages of songs that i hadn't sang yet (didn't know my chinese repertoire had become so big!). while there, drank alot cause there was some beer drinking competition. came in second, but didn't get drunk (hello! it's just beer, 5% of alcohol is totally no kick at all. hmm, even though it was like 5 glasses in about 7mins.) cabbed back to hall, still walking straight, not high at all. :(( and then bathed and went to sleep. of course, because i didn't get drunk nor high, i had to pay back - i was hungover the whole day and couldn't study. sighs. but it was a good memory - first time i went kboxing by myself. damn shuang because you have to keep singing and singing without stopping cause there's no one else. HAHAS. narcissistic self coming up already. and you really sing until you're hoarse. lucky for me, my voicebox is not that weak. :))

ok, that's all for today. GOING TO MAKE TODAY'S MEMORY. :)

just opened my email, read the first two line and nothing else
and i won't read the rest either cause i
got the answer. end of story. done deal. :)

simple. just the way you like it.
and just the way that i want it now.


it's 12:49pm and i'm still not out of hall!! sighs. been slacking off and doing my own research instead of studying. right, after this post i'm changing and going out already - to study. recently my wrist/thumb's been giving me problems again, but currently with the mad rush of readings to finish, i don't think i'm going to get it fixed anytime soon. i'll do that during the holidays. this week, my dear OneFive is taking a break because they really gave it all for that carnival, and i'm really proud of them. but this week, it's my turn to fundraise, and it hasn't been going well. selling tickets for mingles night to NUS students is like trying to kill them cause all of them are busy mugging their life away. i'm glad that at least i have something else other than mugging on my mind. university life, to me, isn't really that important because a degree, is just a degree - a piece of paper printed with black ink on it. personally, i feel that what's more important is what we do during our university life. the adventures we go on, the places we explore, the experiences we go through. currently, i'm looking for my next project or camp to go to. this year, is going to be especially meaningful.

the first annual year is going to close soon. and then, i'll blog about my first year in university. :) probably in may.
ciao.

一陣風突然吹過
吹起了嘴邊無意的笑意
也同時吹醒了這個夏天
仍舊在冬眠的人們

got woken up early in the morning by my phone ringing away, so i turned it off to silent mode and went back to sleep. sighs. studying makes me very tired. but it's okay cause today i'm going out of hall to study at some quiet place - hopefully it's quiet. just woke up and read through a few messages. Xav's going dragonboating today. sighs. makes me want to start dragonboating again. but it's been hmm. more than three years since i last went, so i guess that currently, it's out of the question. got to shape up before doing anything else. marathons come first though.

and then to the other person. i think no matter how many messages or emails you send, whatever content it is, it's already irrelevant. you didn't read my post carefully. you asked me to read your emails again, i'm asking you to read my blog posts again because ALL THE ANSWERS THAT YOU NEED ARE THERE. messaging me doesn't make a difference because i've already said, i made my stand very clear, and i'm not going to repeat myself - and this time, i'm really keeping to it and i'm not going to repeat myself. whatever you said about forgetting about this whole incident, it's already been forgiven. you didn't read it, did you. and no matter what you message, my stand is very clear already. i'm just waiting for that simplest answer from you. i don't need you to write long messages and emails anymore, it's just a one word answer that even my 3year old sister can give. so tell me, who's complicating things here? i'm asking for a simple answer and you can't give me one. this is what i meant by you never understood. now i feel like laughing cause i'm thinking back and wondering if it was really me who was complicating stuff. and no, i'm not going back to read those emails because i think there's no need to anymore. forgiven and over, so why should i read them again? i don't think they hold any relevance in this context anymore.

if you still don't understand - then i really don't know what else to say already. i'm tired of explaining over and over again and you continuously misunderstanding me when everything is so simple. i don't hide anything on the blog and yet you still can misunderstand. it's quite scary because when a third party reading this blog, who doesn't know you, doesn't know the entire situation, can understand what i'm feeling and you don't - i feel like crying, because all these years, i've been telling people that you're the one who can really understand me, but even now, i have the urge to doubt that, but for now, i won't. because i'm giving you another chance, yet again..

simple answer, i'm waiting for it.

i learnt that no one is perfect
until we fall in love with them
and that life's a series of snapshots
that you either capture or miss



one last post before the day is out. :) and of course, as promised, it's about today's BBQ with my dearest level6. after tonight, the next time that i'll be seeing most of them is either hmm. actually i don't know. maybe during Beer Fest i'll see a few of them. and definitely on the 9th where we're going to have our chill out session. hahas. but yeah. whatever it is, i'm going to miss them real badly once the holidays start. moving out of hall and back home, so no more nightly trips to level6 anymore because there won't be any level6 for me to go down to.

started the BBQ at about 6pm and it was a blast. thanks to PKK for arranging the food and pit's arrival so that we don't starve, and to Edmund who set up the fire for us. :) started out really slowly, just eating and talking about random stuff, but as the night grew darker, whoa, the conversation topics also grew wilder. hahas. boys will always be boys. :) but that's what i love about my level6, they never really hide anything at all.

really kinda pitied Calvin and HengFai cause they were the butt of many conversations. "on the wings of love" & "alphabravoCHARLIEdeltaecho"/ HAHAS. UNFORGETTABLE! yes, as your level6 rep, it is my duty to love you and take care of your welfare - ensuring that all your neighbours know what's going on. :) HAHAS. but that wasn't all. boys being boys, they talked about topics that cannot be blogged here. hahas. R(A) / R21. but i learnt a few more things from them! funny. :P

the food was good, didn't eat much though cause nowadays a little food makes me really full already. ate instant noodles for lunch today and had to force myself to finish the damn thing cause it was just too much for my stomach to handle. korie says that it's obvious that i haven't been eating much cause i've become a little skinnier. sighs. i do it, just not as much of an appetite as before.

really thanks to all the level6 guys who came down, helped to BBQ, talk crap, eat, and just make the atmosphere so lively. :) i'll miss you'll guys and i'm thinking really hard what to get for you'll as your POP gift. hahas. passing out as a level6er, but once a level6er, always a level6er in my heart.

on another note, i left my phone in my room the whole day. came back with a few messages from people here and there. Xav really made my day cause his conversations are always really interesting and somewhat mentally stimulating. hahas. of course there were other messages that i didn't bother replying - i don't even know if i want to reply. i know what i want and where my stand is - but it seems someone else doesn't? sending me emails from two very different worlds in one day. sorry, but my brain is still processing the first, VERY HURTFUL one. and on one count, you're wrong. the hurt i feel, is the same as the hurt you feel. the hurt i feel wasn't just because you left, but also because time and again, someone i cared for hurt me - but i took the shit and shut up because i didn't want to ruin the relationship. but now, i'm not going to take shit anymore. i'm more than that and i deserve better. if you think someone you cared hurt you, someone i cared for hurt me a thousand times more than i hurt that person. enough said.

sighs. going to bathe and then going down to level6 to get my spirits abit higher. that paragraph above just brought back a lot of pain. what the shit. this is not the way i'm going to let my day end. you go get your thoughts right, friend or not is up to you. and don't reply until you're very sure - because i'm a girl, i forgive and usually forget, but unfortunately for you, all the memories of you are so deeply etched that i rarely forget anything about you - so in future conversations, if you hurt me, i might bring the past back to hurt you. this is not me being cruel or anything, it's just how i am - take it or leave it. i'm not going to stop you from leaving or beg you to stay anymore. your life, your choice. i made mine very clear already - friends for life. so it's up to you. if you're going to do what you did today again, i'm telling you honestly that i'll get quite pissed because you know how f- painful that first email was. sorry to say this, but it's going to take a few more days to get over that f- pain and then the second email will settle in. so if you send a third email, the content won't be in my brain until perhaps 4-5days later. I'M JUST TELLING YOU THE TRUTH. this time, you really went quite overboard - even if it was just you being whoever you are, i still have to right to be sad/pissed/angry, whatever, because you really went too f- far. from the number of vulgarities, you know how much you hurt me cause i never take them out unless it's #1 for fun, or #2 i'm really sad/angry.

and it made me very sad/angry to know that our friendship is something that can be so easily broken. DO YOU F- UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU SAID IN THE FIRST EMAIL? DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE HURT THAT YOU F- BROUGHT TO ME THE WHOLE F- DAY? sometimes i feel that our friendship hangs on your every word because i already said, whatever it is, you'll always be my friend, my BBFF. but it seems that you are the volatile one. when i said you don't understand - i think i was right on this one count. SO TO MAKE IT VERY, EXTREMELY CLEAR - i'm saying it once, and NEVER AGAIN. whatever you turn into, be it a rich successful (insert your dream profession) or a poor beggar, whether you make mistakes that ruin your life, or bring it up, i'll always be your friend. AND THE REST, IS IN YOUR HANDS. i'm not the one being volatile here. i may get angry, irritated, confused at what the shit you are doing - but it doesn't change that friendship. don't you realize that all this time, it's always been you moving this friendship from one extreme to another? you get angry and then threaten not to be friends anymore. you get angry and say the words that you don't want to be my friend anymore. i'm sick and tired of always being the one trying to salvage the relationship. sick and tired of being the one who's always giving and giving, and giving some more. sick and tired of always being the one that begs you to stay - sorry, that's not the real me. and i don't want to be that wuss anymore. you want to go get angry, get angry. it doesn't change anything on my side because i've said it so f- clear that if you don't understand, you really are a fool.

sighs. you go think about it, what you've done and what you've said. what i've done and said, i know very well. and don't always think that you are the one in the right, cause you're not. just, sighs. go think about it. i don't have any extra energy to deal with this situation because of exams and my fundraisers all coming up. get back to me again when you've thought through it. and anyway, i haven't read your second email, so you have even more time to go think. i spelt out the consequences for you already - and i don't promise that i'll never do them because i am only human, just like you and i have the right to get angry, pissed, whatever shit else comes. i've always stopped myself from being angry with you because i thought that love would overcome every f- thing that came up. but apparently i was wrong, it just made me someone who was so easily swayed. and i don't ever want to be that girl again.

whatever. QUELYN GO BATHE AND THEN GO LEVEL6!

HAHAS. i really predicted correctly, the person in question really got angry and said that i've hurt him the worst that i've ever had. good for you dear, you finally know what i've been feeling all these years when you didn't understand me. but if that's what you want, i'm fine with it because it's your life and in life, we all make choices. i chose to give you another chance despite all you did and all the hurt that i felt, i chose to bury those feelings and be friends with you, for life. but you made your choice to walk away and leave, just as i always have thought you would - just as two other people told me you would, because the one who's always running away at the critical times, is you not me.

i stood where we left off two years ago and braved a whole load of shit that happened. people called you a jerk, i defended you. people called you a bastard, i defended you. people said i deserved better, i told them that you were the best for me. you know how much criticism i came under, and how much pain it caused? no, you don't - because you were out there living YOUR glorious life, never even once looking back except until recently. but it doesn't matter because you've ran away again.

and i think that i will never be able to understand your definition of love and friendship. love is not trying to make the person change into someone else. everyone has their own "goals" in life - be it fantastical dreams that seem hard to come true, or results that they want to see, or just living life simply like you. but God made us all different and we don't all live the simple life like you. too bad. but i now know why i could never fulfill my potential - it's not because i was "chasing" too many aspirations at a time, God will never give us more than we can handle - but because i was in the mindset that i wanted to live your simple life that stopped me from being who i am.

no, your not a bastard. i'm just a fool who gave up and lost many things in life because i loved you too much. but now, i'm not going to lose anything else because i'm going to live life to its fullest. even if one day i drop dead because i'm doing too many things at one time, at least i know that i've lived life really GLORIOUSLY to its fullest, trying everything that i can and just having a whole load of fun. unlike well, nevermind. that's your life, i won't say anything because God made you that way, or maybe it's just you. whatever.

friendship, that one i really don't understand. everything will fall back into place when we meet again. we don't need to communicate. HAHAS. wonderful - no. i don't understand that kind of friendship. in fact, i will honestly tell you that in that kind of "friendship" there is no relationship at all. because relation/friendship is something that you build upon, maybe not day after day in your case, but maybe week by week - communicating and putting in the effort and time to get to know a person. i vowed to God just the other day that i would put as much time and effort needed to build ALL the relationships in my life, be it friends, family, loved ones - and i'm determined to keep it, no matter how hard it is. your kind of friendship, hahas, only you will understand i guess. if you really want an extreme example - try not communicating with her and see what kind of relationship you'll have. put that in a different context with your friends and family - different people, same result. but you have your own life philosophy, and you don't consider me a friend anymore, so yah, don't need to listen to my words. like rihanna sang, "live you life".


WOOHOO. alright everybody else who reads my blog. :)) hahas. sorry dears, you'll have to put up with all those stuff that i'm typing to someone else. but, this is probably going to be one of the last times, but if you do read, you'll notice that i'm starting to change my outlook in life and i'm starting to apply what i've learnt in church. proud of myself. i really thank God for pastor who did the whole love & relationship series because it made me see which relationships are worth keeping and which relationships aren't.

if you've noticed, i've put down a countdown timer to my BIRTHDAY! :)) right, it's quite sad also cause my age is officially starting with a "2" this coming year. sighs. but with the 2months, 2weeks plus left, i'm going to create memories every single day - even if the memory is an exam. :P although it's less than 2weeks to my exams, it's not going to stop me from creating something special everyday. heee.

TODAY'S MEMORY - BBQ with Level6. :)) it's later tonight, so i'll update again.

mm. one last post for today before i head off to bed. yesterday i messaged korie, "i think i can finally say that i rly let go already." and it was after a long, hard battle with many other people who were talking to me, and of course, myself, that i came to that conclusion. truthfully, i really thank God for people like Xav, Alv, korie and the other guys who messaged me today. really brightened up my day and took my mind off what i shouldn't be thinking of, what i shouldn't be regretting.

about slightly less than a week ago, i was literally killing myself - no sleep. no food. continuous work. - and i admitted to all the people who asked me about it, i was escaping from some issues that i didn't want to think about. to the other person in question, all my feelings and thoughts are, well, non-existent to say the least. i know he's going to get angry when he reads some of the things that i'm going to say, and i really don't care already. if that's the way friendship is to you, then whenever we meet up again, we'll just pick off from when you last left. everything in the middle, is not that important, or at least that's what your reasoning tells me.

but really, whatever. i'm not going to be greedy anymore, wanting your attention. if i need attention, i'll get it from elsewhere. at the end of the post, all i want from you is that friendship that you talked about, the kind where we don't need to contact for the time when we're apart and when we meet again, we pick off from there. and that's what it'll be to me because you know about my life through this blog, yet i know nothing about how you are living yours.

i used to love a guy, so deeply that i gave up everything for him - literally. religion, emotions, sanity, logic. i thought that as long as i had him, everything would be alright - and i was willing to spend the rest of my life with him. but i ended up losing a few years of my life and a few good men as well. i don't regret loving him and giving what i gave to him because when i did, i was in 7th heaven - i thought, as long as he likes it, i'll be happy. as long as he's happy, i'll be alright - and that was what love was to me. but it wasn't to be so.

all these years, i stood at the same spot, waiting for him to come back. i loved him with everything i had and was reluctant to live my own life. but slowly as the years went by, i also began to pick up more meaningful things in life, such as volunteer work and dance - but i never gave everything to them because there was always this part of me that was left with him. and now, i finally see how stupid i was to wait for so long.

i used to think that everything would be alright if i waited for him. it was okay if he went out and had relationships with other girls. i used to think that it would be okay because if i waited long enough, he would come back to be by my side. and for the longest time, i kept that promise that i made more than three years ago. but i guess he didn't understand that promise. maybe because i said those words too many times and it became worthless. or maybe it was those emotions in me that had become worthless because he didn't treasure them - but that's not important because this post is not about going into who was right and who was wrong. because we were both right, and wrong. there's no one to blame except the both of us - end of story.

i promised that i would wait for him to return. but i finally figured that if i really want to move on with life, and not just say that i have, i need to break that promise and really move all my emotions and thoughts away from him and into more meaningful things and maybe someone else who deserves it more than he does already. i'm not going to say sorry because i've kept that promise for three years already, ruined parts of my life because of it and lost so many things, from friends, to opportunities because of that promise. i gave it my all, and i'm not guilty that i'm breaking it. you don't treasure it anyway, so you don't lose out on anything.

all these thoughts and reflections came out because of three people. firstly sam who told me "girl, you need to have some SELF-RESPECT." - and f. i think it's so true. when i first fell in love with him, i threw away everything including self-respect. gave him everything that he wanted, even when we were not together anymore. my self-respect was gone, totally. and now, i'm taking it back. i'm not going to grovel around waiting for him. i'm a beautiful, confident, extremely sexy woman - why should i wait for someone who doesn't totally appreciate me as i am.

secondly, it was Ming - the quietest guy i've met in my entire life who said the wisest thing i have ever heard. "you need someone to LIVE life with you, someone who will EMBRACE both your worlds with you and that's all you'll ever need for happiness because happiness is about sharing your life with someone else." why am i not happy? why have i been arguing with you so frequently? didn't you realize that it was all because i wanted you to share your life with me, but you didn't think it was necessary. so i came to the conclusion, why should i wait for someone whom i don't know anymore. everything that i know about you is what, three years old. and the "latest" information is almost two months old. i refuse to wait for someone who cannot share his life with me anymore - something i knew very long ago but was overly hopeful about. i'd rather share my life with someone who's willing to share his with me, and we'll take on life's ups and downs together - that's what happiness would be like, sharing my life with someone who actually cares and not just says that he does.

thirdly, really thanks to Mark who told me "it's not worth waiting at point A for someone who'll neglect you for months and take for granted that when you come back, everything will fall back into place like the months that had past did not happen. that's not a person you'd want to wait for to get into a relationship because he'll continuously take for granted that you'll be right there waiting for him again everytime he comes back and needs someone else." - shit you clubber boy. i never thought that you would say something so wise. and yes, it's true. he also said that these type of friends are those that we can never have a deep relationship with, no matter how much we want to. because relationships are based on trust and more importantly, communication. at the most, these type of friends are those that we meet once every few years and do some superficial catching up with, have fun and make a few more memories, and then, say goodbye to - Mark, you've officially upped your status from playboy to philosopher. hahas.

at the end of the day, i won't say that you mean nothing to me. i'd just say, goodbye lover, hello friend. that's it. because i realize it's no use waiting anymore. those words that you said to me in your emails, and whatever else, i read through all of them again - and cried, i told myself for the last time. no more tears because of you. we cry only when someone we love deeply hurts us. i want to love you, but not deep enough that you can hurt me again. and anyway, this is probably what you'd have wanted, so that in the future when we meet again, you don't have to feel any form of guilt or whatever. put all the reasons my friends gave to me, and it gave me a logical, reasonable conclusion. and if you think i'm a tattletale, don't worry, all the people don't know who you are, don't know your name, don't know where you are. i've kept you anonymous for so long, and i plan to do so forever regarding this particular issue.

and after today, i'll never speak about this again. not because i'm escaping from it, but because i've concluded it - goodbye lover, hello friend. i don't know what you're reaction will be because i've said a lot of things here that you may think i'm wrong about. say what you want about it. i don't promise that i'll reply.

i admit that there are times today that i regret this decision because i want to love you so much. but, if we don't have the basic trust and communication, i figured that we'll never work out - so that's going to be what i'll tell myself whenever i regret letting you go.

but when i'm not regretting, i promise you my friend that i'll be looking towards another future - a brighter one than the one i imagined before.

today, i was jolted into thinking about a particular guy. was it because of that conversation that we had that night? was it because of the flirtatious messages that he's been sending? or is it because, he's one of the rare people that almost perfectly fit my ideal type of guy - damn tall, over 180. super athletic. intelligent. humorous conversationalist. etc. etc. he fails probably in about 2-3 of the criteria that i set super long ago. but he comes close. rar.

yet, it is again a forbidden kind of relationship because he's not christian, and there's no way i'm going to do a long term with someone non-Christian again because i love the church that i'm in now and i want my children to grow up there. it's an amazing thing how the children in church turn out to be. :) and another thing is, he's already has someone else that he likes - and is chasing. all these flirtatious messages and conversations what not, are just well, to him and to me for now - flings. sighs.

when will i get a guy whom seriously likes me AND whom is someone that i like at the same time. super sianness because all the guys who like me are not my type. all the guys that i like just wanna fling or just wanna be my brother. what's the world coming to? :(

rar. STUDY LUHH QUELYN.

i'm looking down the path i'm walking
and wondering if i should stop
take a turn around and then
walk down an untrodden road


right, surprise, surprise. need to really blog my feelings out now. because i'm quite confused about what i'm thinking and what i really want. sighs. but before that, today's activities in one sentence - i went for church then went to paint a house and now i'm very tired but contented. :)

right. now for my thoughts. have been seriously thinking about RETAKING MY ALEVELS. and then going to SMU - right, now i know that 3million people will go WHAT?!? YOU'RE IN NUS AND YOU WANT TO GO TO SMU?? my answer, yes. because there's a degree, or rather, double degree that i want to do but am not able to do in NUS. and currently, my results and subject combination that i took at the Alvls does not support what i want to do. currently, i'm slightly regretting not taking H1maths. but, that's over, and i'm glad that i took KI.

but, there's so many considerations to take. and i'm getting wary of what i should actually be doing. sighs. i need to think, long and hard, and very seriously. i've spent ONEYEAR in NUS - what should i be doing next?

from where i stand, i see you
standing so clearly across from me
but i will not walk that bridge
i tuned my back against it
and walked away.



FINALLY! i get to update. and to tell the truth, my brain is already 95% dead. but i feel that i seriously have to blog before my friends think that this blog is dead. I DIDN'T ABANDON. it's just that the past few days have been like traveling on an interstate. the cars whizz by as i walk along this highway and i don't even have time to catch my breath, much less blog. so many things have happened since tuesday! ohgoodness. i feel that i won't be able to finish blogging everything because i can't totally remember. :(( it's been a mad rush of meetings and completing assignments and what not. right. let me recall.

WEDNESDAY/ had french test. seriously, i don't care if i screwed it already. i had fun, and that's all that mattered. :) as i blogged before, it's opened up a whole new world of literature to me, and it's really cool - even if it doesn't show its results on my transcript, i'm glad that i took this language up. and, another thing, i'm never ever taking a language module in NUS anymore. NEVER. EVER. because what i heard from my lecturer is that NTU uses the same text book as NUS, but here, we squeeze 6chapters into one semester and NTU does 4chapters per semester. the result is that we finish the whole textbook in one AY. and that's screwed. extremely. :((

after french, skipped my geography lecture to go for my project meeting because the japanese report was due on thursday and we were compiling and changing our referencing style. sighs. right - and i was totally not used to the APA style because usually i use MLA - or whatever it's called. hahs. but yeap. spent about an hour with them before rushing off to NYJC to meet up with OneFive and finalize their plans for friday. and it was a good, albeit short meeting. went back to hall to finish up my report for submission.

THURSDAY/ this day was fairly okay because it was submission day - meaning, the last assignment of the term is OVER! :)) but i had other stuff to do, like the MINGLES NIGHT proposal and that took me quite a lot of time because i seriously didn't know what it would work out like. and i haven't written a proposal in hmm. 6months. the last time i wrote a full proposal was when i was running for SECC chairperson position.

FRIDAY/ most exciting day of the week because OneFive had their carnival at NYJC, and I'M SUPER PROUD OF THEM. it was really a success because the teachers and students were all quite supportive and if you were there to see the crowd, you wouldn't believe that you were in NY. it really felt for a moment in time that we were at a real carnival. games stalls, food stalls etc. and the hottest property - the DUNKING MACHINE. really need to thank the teachers for being so responsive and gungho to volunteer to be dunked. :) and we earned a total of $3500+ from the carnival alone. :)) proud of you OneFive, you've seen the fruits of your labour. well done. and have a good rest before we continue the rest of the journey.

after that cabbed down to West Coast with Xiang, Pathma & Yvon to have our Youth Factory BBQ. had a load of fun! food, drinks and of course, the best was the COMPANY. :) Raj & Xav. for going to ShengSiong and then MacDs with me to help buy the stuff for the rest of the people. and Xav. again for letting me accompanying you to 7-11, had a super blast of a time. :)) it's like i found this weird older brother whom i can crap with for anything. later when most of the "guests" left and it was YouthFac. alone, i got a little high on the alcohol - like after one glass. cause i was damn freakin tired. and Kel just suddenly swept me off the damn bench with one hand. WHAT'S WITH GUYS CARRYING ME THIS WEEK?!?! two different guys, different situations. shitlahhhhs. CAN YOU'LL STOP THAT. I'M SCARED OF HEIGHTS K. (oh, but it was quite fun, after you get over the scared of height phase. :P)

SATURDAY/ yes, that's today! woke up damn freakin early to get to the prata place nearby where Raj, Den, Den & YongLing came to pick me up to go to republic poly for our PVC MID-POINT CHECK. we're half way through the journey already!! can you believe it?? 6 weeks ago, we had participants training. and 6 weeks from now, we'll be having our finale at VivoCity. had a really good time today at RP with NY & BLSS whom we combined with. really tired too cause we were just running around and stuff. :)) but all in the name of fun and games because we spent about one and a half hours doing some challenge thing. quite interesting i must admit. hahas. & NYJC is the one who raised the highest amount of funds! $4400!! :)) PROUD OF YOU ONEFIVE. i don't know how to express it because it's really like being proud of like your best friend winning some first prize award. hahas.

TMR! going to church and then going to help Den&Kel paint their new house! hahas. HAPPENING. :))

today i realize that there were people around me whom i missed out in the last two years because i never really saw them for who they were and how they loved me. i don't know if i've missed my chance with them, but what's most important is that i finally see that there are people who are willing to love this stupid, stubborn, extremely busy, complicated person that i am for who i am. i still want to love that person out there, but maybe if i had seen those who were around me in the last two years or so, life might just have been that much easier, with less heartache and pain. but i still don't regret what i went through and what i did because, it's all something called a growing experience. :))

GOING TO SLEEEEP A MUCH NEEDED SLEEP. :)
nights. love you people.

il pleure dans mon coeur
comme il pleut sur la ville;
quelle est cette langueur
qui pénètre mon coeur



even though French will probably pull my CAP down and what not, i still don't regret taking it because it's opened up a whole new world of literature to me. it may not be my best language and i'm still somewhat blur about many things concerning the language, but it's been a really fun ride. had my last lecture today and there's french test tomorrow. but, no matter what marks i get, the most important is the fact that i had fun doing this. :)

but on another note, as the semester comes to an end, i have to think about my major. sociology? geography? new media? i don't even really know why i'm here in NUS. it's a dream of so many students to be in this institution, and i am here already. but what am i doing here, i'm not too sure. what do i really want to do with my life - it comes down to this question. i know that i don't want an office job, totally out of the question. i know i want a job where i have to take risks everyday. and there are so many choices that i want to pursue, but, NUS is not a place where i'll be able to fulfill them.

quelyn, you need to really think about it.

choices, we all make them. but what we choose makes us, or breaks us. simple as that. or, is it? many people say that we all have choices. but choices are also bound by many restrictions - and that's what's holding me back from making the choices that i want to. my parents will never support what i want to do - and that's my biggest restriction. because without finances, i won't be able to study what i want to. and anyway, my parents look down on my aspirations because they think that it won't be able to feed me. and that saddens me alot because all i need is for them to say "yes, i believe you can." and not worry about anything else, leave that worrying to me. sighs. but parents, they just don't understand and always think that they are right.

recently been busy and well, haven't had any extra head space to think about many things. my focus is no longer on myself and my relationship, but more on the PSR plans and PVC supervision of my kids. but deep in my heart, i know that there's only so long that my brain can avoid the situation and the feelings. my heart is somewhat hanging in the air even though i know what i should do.

had a fun time yesterday and DIDN'T GET PONDED. :) hengfai was too busy with ahem to pond me, even though he did try to get some of the level6 guys to help him. but by that time, i was drinking with some of the other level6ers, so no chance to pond! :P had a fantastic 2007 Cabernet Sauvignon reserve from bordeaux and a very happy Moscato. oh, and Sapporo after that. hahas. drank and talked and found out a lot more about these guys esp. the new one. but mostly, had a lot of fun. :) but, time flies when you're having fun, and i spent almost two and a half hours there! by the time i realized it, i rushed back to my room to sleep. hahas.

new house rules for quelyn. #1: no eating after 7pm. #2: sleep before 1am. and hopefully, i'll keep to them. :)

french test tmr.
study calls.
avoir! :)

lastly, check this video out!
it's just sheep, and lights!
the the end's tres bien!
oh, but the poor sheep.
sighs.

i'd want to walk down this path with you
rather than be alone in the world
even if the rain floods the road
at least i braved the rain with you



decided that from today onwards, i'll put up my random thought or feeling of the day and then a title before blogging my heart out, because it gives me a focus for the first few paragraphs of the post because i realize a lot of the time, my thoughts just run wild and i forget to blog about the most important thing of the day. lols.

yes, the end is closing in, if you're in NUS/Sheares Hall, you'd understand why. the school term will officially end this week as we sit through our last lectures and tutorials, finish up any continual assessment tests that we have, hand up all the assignments and essay, as well as present the last of our semester's presentations. then, the cramming for the finals come as we enter reading week.

if you live in hall, the major comms have already closed. the holiday comms are on hold and the block comms are all holding their last events of the semester. i think of all the committees, i will miss my block comm the most because even though i am somewhat of a "phantom", being busy with tons of outside stuff as well, it is the committee that i have integrated myself most into. and despite all the bigger posts like vice-chairperson and what not of all the other committees i headed and joined, i will miss being the level6 rep the most.

i won't blog my sentiments right now because it's not the time. the end closes in, but has not come yet and i will treasure the time i have as the level6 rep. i have vowed to go down to my boys at least once every two nights to just chitchat with them and make sure that they are not stressing themselves out. i'm their little bundle of energy, so hopefully, i'll bring them some relief from the tension of studying. :)

had seniors farewell today at the MPSH for our block and it was hmm. somewhat of an interesting time. the year1s sang a revised version of "always be my baby" and the year2s put up a skit, impersonating the seniors. we gave all of them a souvenir of a photo frame, and wished them all the best. had pizza and nuggets for "supper" - goodness, sinful to the max.

and something super interesting happened. i was teasing hengfai when he got super kancheong because of this little secret and he just came up behind me and carried me all the way to the toilet and almost ponded me! hahas. lucky i had to emcee and weivien saved me. :) but now, i'm a tad afraid to go down to level6 cause i know he's waiting for me to go to his room so that he can pond me. sighs. don't feel like going down, but i have to cause i have to give out the welfare pack.

well, off to my fate. hopefully he's not in his room but in a certain other block. hahas. (aye hengfai, i never said which block you are going to seeee. :P)

ciao dears.

oh. PSR is having a charity fundraising car wash this weekend. drop by with your car if you're free! :D more details will be up later and on FB. check it out! hees.

1:47am
Gatsby, A Critical Commentary of the American Dream
160/1500 words.

sighs. do i need to say more?
been busying with so many other things that i procrastinate on my essays. and it's nobody's fault but mine, but i can't help but rant. had a great meeting just now with the block comm members, packing welfare packs as well as seeing andee and ronald battle it out on karaokeparty.com singing "right here waiting". HAHAS. ultimate funniness.

loads of thanks to winson.
and the rest of my level6 boys who've been caring for me so much the past few days. "uncle" winson suddenly walked into my room and left this pack of funny thing with a note. i read the note after he left. and it's only now that i realize what came with the note - chocolate pillows! lols. i have no idea what that is, but i'll eat it tomorrow.

winson knows just what to get quelyn when she's sad - chocolate. it does wonders. if you still don't know, i got a glass piece stuck in my hand in a camp during J2 and i was crying buckets. but my friend brought me chocolate and i stopped crying. the medic was speechless. hahas. met melvin, the medic again this year at PVC2's training and he was joking he should just throw his first aid kid away and buy a bag full of chocolates. :P

i spent 6mins blogging! ah. shit.
back to work. back to work. make that 160 words become 1500 words by hmm. 3am. then i'll sleep and wake up for my 10am lecture. i haven't been to lectures and tutorials for like about hmm. a few weeks. lols. but this week, i'm going to go for ALL lectures and tutorials simply because, it's the last week of school!! and then i have two weeks of "study break" which is actually cramming time till my exams - which are 4 consecutive days. wonderful.

Updates on PSR! :)
Fundraising Event #1 - Carwash on alternate weekends. I think this week and next next week. :) hees. IF YOU HAVE A CAR, COME DOWN AND SUPPORT. QUELYN LOVES YOU & WILL PERSONALLY WASH YOUR CAR FOR YOU.

Fundraising Event #2 - Singles' Night a la SDU. hahs. we got a karaoke bar as the venue, so it's going to be quite fun. i'm second in-charge of this event, so you know it's going to be exciting. prices haven't been decided, but the money is NOT COVER CHARGE. IT IS A DONATION TO KK HOSPITAL'S DIABETIC CHILDREN. :)

Fundraising Event #3 - Auction. Secret for now. :)

ciaociao. :)

it's going to rain tonight - no, it's not a prediction but a fact with all the cold wind blowing and thunder sounding, lightning flashing. finally changed the layout of my room - again because it's time to study and mug like crazy. somewhere end feb i changed the position of my bed so that i have more space to dance. now, i changed it back to the original layout to make it more study conducive. hahas. sitting on the bed to study equates to falling asleep.

easter service today, cried because once again i saw the love of God so strongly reenacted through the drama. hopefully this time the experience stays longer to make me be a more fervent and God-fearing/seeking Christian. there's been so much that i've gone through the last few weeks that has made me think about everything that i've done wrongly, or that has let God down over and over again.

disappointing God is worse than disappointing Man. but God is more forgiving than Man. still, i shouldn't take advantage of that fact. but, thank you God, for always loving and forgiving. and i believe that this time round as i really seek you, you will make me whole in every aspect of my broken down life. the tears i cry will not be in vain, because this pain will make me a better person for your glory.

gone to meeting.
adios till later.

sometimes i wish i had paid more attention in economics class in JC. (my Bgrade during the Alvls was a miracle, don't ask me how.)

sighs. this week is a bad week of sleep. in fact, i think the coming one will not be that fantastic either. editing, working at the bar, rushing reports. doesn't help that my peak period (where my brain works the best and is the most creative, proven by some stupid test that i took at the counselling center) is between 3-6am. the rest of the day, i'm productive, but less so. darn the brain, can you work in a more normal way?

yah, i personally feel that i'm somewhat abnormal. when i do a report in the day, the most i get is like a Cgrade (proof: my japanese essay last sem). when i do it at night, it ups to a Bgrade (proof: my lit essay last sem). when i do it early in the morning after a night out partying i get an Agrade (proof: my sociology report). seriously - God, can you turn that upside down so that when i do my work during the DAY, i get an Agrade and then when i'm high on alcohol, i get a Cgrade - that's more normal right. oh, and when i'm agitated, i do my reports so much better because i want to prove anyone that has put me down that they're just looking down on me and i'm better than what they think i am (happens everytime people say i'm a bimbo).

oh, since i mentioned the word bimbo, might as well clarify. bimbos are not just dumb and blonde - they can be clever too (hello, ms universe!) i don't understand why boys, and especially girls put down species of their own kind. in the same way that every lion is different, every human being is different too. it's a form of expression of who we are. can you imagine a world where everyone is so perfect that everyone is the same. that's why i believe that no one's POV is ever right, neither are they wrong because that's just what they are, points of views - maybe some make more sense than others, but that's about it. and that's also why i don't believe in judging the actions of another person - it doesn't make any sense because i feel that judgement is disrespectful (God feels that way too!) because everyone is different in their own way. it's human nature to judge, but humans can also be nurtured and we can nurture ourselves not to judge others. i judge myself, but never others. but well, this is the way i personally feel, and i will not impose my thoughts on a second person.

mm. during the holidays i might be getting another night job - door girl at a club, or as my colleague puts it, the door bitch. :) good pay, quite slack job - not bad. and i get free music and booze. but this is not something that's confirmed yet. and i'm blogging this because i've decided that i don't mind what others think of me anymore. if you know quelyn as that bespectacled girl or as that crazy passionate dancer, here's another side of me. my school friends don't know about my dance crew. my dance crew has never seen me in spectacles before, nor have they seen that studious side of me. but you know what, all these are what makes me special - be it my nerdy side, the dancer in me, the creative person that i am, the wild clubber who loves her nightlife - they all make me who i am. and if you have any opinions, i really don't care anymore. to all the people out there who call themselves my friends, this is me. love me for who i am. i know Youth Factory, N415 and my girls can love me for who i am, the good and the bad - so i know the rest of you can too. i love you for who you are, so i'm just expecting the same from you. but, i still love you all the same even if you cannot accept me as i am. :) it's all part of accepting other people into my life.

announcement! new project on hand - because of some changes to the groups that were under Youth Factory, we've decided as a mentor team to also be doing fundraising and interaction day. basically, we'll be doing whatever our small groups are doing as a mentor group. presenting PROJECT SUGAR RUSH (after this know as PSR). our beneficiary is some department in KK Hospital - i can't remember the exact name, but it's for diabetic kids. this year, all their sponsors pulled out and they don't have any funds for their annual camp - so that's where Youth Factory comes in. we're aiming to raise 15k in less than a month for them. :) so that they can organize their annual camp and continue impacting and inspiring these diabetic kids to live a normal life as much as possible.

background info: many people think that diabetic kids will have to live a horrible childhood (and life) because they are not able to enjoy food and drinks that are high in sugar like sweet popcorn or lollipops - but this is NOT A FACT. the truth is, these children still can consume these kind of food (in moderation of course). the first step is to equip them with the knowledge on the condition that they have as well as information on how much is too much for them. their annual camp is to show them that with care and moderation, they can live as freely as a normal person. :) [info from what Raj said - and believe me, he knows best.]

SO EVERYONE, PLS SUPPORT THE UPCOMING FUNDRASING EVENTS. they'll be posted here on my blog - so feel free to come down, to help, to contribute funds, or just to find out more. tomorrow will be our first meeting with the main comm and from what we have discussed and brainstormed, i forsee a very happening and exciting month ahead, raising funds for a worthy cause. :)

yes! 3am. i'll be able to finish my report in the next 15mins and go to sleep. also, thanks to alvin who tried to help me make sense of some current account balance table that i totally do not understand. wheee.

Easter service in 7hrs!
PSR Meeting in 11hrs!
(OMG! the hours put together is my birthday. hahas. random.)

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i heard the long dull sound of the ship's horn sounding its presence. and that resounding dullness hits a quiet string in my heart, one that only this night can bring. waking, sleeping and then waking again has been the pattern for tonight. i feel deeply disturbed by the emotions that are in me, but i'm determined to quickly pull myself together. for OneFive, for Youth Factory, for Project Sugar Rush - all under PVC, the most important thing on hand now. Yvon told me, there's no such thing as an unimportant emotion because how i am is how my charges will be. and it's true, it's a photocopy process that happens when you train teenagers like that. and i, i do not want them to photocopy the wrong things from me.

i need to be grounded again. maybe another long crying session is what i really need. and also a listening ear to hear all my stupid, useless rants and unorganized thoughts. i remember in JC, one of the female classmates asked, "is it really that difficult to forget?" - my answer is yes, especially when you've put everything that you've got, every card on your hand, every last bit of effort, and everything that you've ever believed in out on the line. mentally, spiritually, physically ad emotionally, i'm totally broken and scarred. but i believe that what i did was the right thing because i didn't want to have any regrets and think back to myself that maybe i should have done this, or maybe i should have done that.

the past few days have been hectic with BEP. but now that's died down, the clam and the abundance of free time give me alot of space to think about what went through that few days. sometimes i regret it and think that i shouldn't have written that post just because it was something that i did at the spur of an emotional and unstable moment - i let my emotions and female hormones of the month take over my rationality, but i won't make that an excuse.

at the same time, i don't regret because that was what i really felt. and i'm glad i did - because at least now, i am less delusional. i never forgot that you were my boyf and till that day, i never stopped treating you as one, no matter how much i said i've forgotten you, no matter how much you've moved on. but now, i see even more clearly than i did. i don't regret being delusional, because loving one so deeply is an experience. but i'm glad that now i see even clearer than before. and maybe time will bring me to another level of clarity.

but to me, you'll always be that very special first for everything.
you will be the one whom i know always cares
and the one i always look forward to seeing

goodnight.
i pray that sleep comes faster than thoughts
and dreams come slower than waking

thought that i could spend the easter weekend at home and maybe spend some time with the family. but who knows, everyone is either overseas or staying at a friend's place. and so, here i am back at hall, waiting for the laundry to be done before i start on homework and stuff like that. i'm starting to feel a welling up of some emotional sensation in me, but i'm determined not to let my feelings get the better of me. it is perhaps better to stop loving someone who doesn't feel the same way anymore. it'll be less of a burden for him and less of an emotional roller coaster for me. and it'll be easier being just friends for us because at the end of the day, we love each other's company. ^^ think happy thoughts quelyn, think happy thoughts.

it's not that i'm running away from it. i just feel that it would be better this way, for all of us.

RIGHTS! here's my long awaited thank you speech. :)

dear all,
as the director of BEP, i'm very happy to announce that i personally feel that it was a resounding success because of all the effort that has been put into this single, most important bi-annual block event. firstly, i would like to thank my BLOCK COMM members for giving me the chance to take up this role, as well as being my casting directors and biggest script support. also, for all the duties that you covered for me during the time i was unable to perform my block comm duties. thank you for your patience and understanding with me, as well as the support that you have given me.

secondly, i'd like to thank the main cast, andy, mengqi and ryohei for taking up these extremely important roles and for sacrificing your time and image for this production despite your busy schedules. thank you for always coming for filming despite the eccentric film schedule that rarely ends on time. but your acting and presence made the whole process a more enjoyable one. :) and also to the crew - karthik, peisun and guojian for being my camerapeople, lighting, sound and editors as well as advisors during the filming and editing process. i've learnt a lot from all of you as well as had a lot of fun with all of you. getting to know you'll better and crapping with you'll made the whole process less boring. and special mention to guojian because you sacrificed your time and effort despite the fact that you are not an eeker. to karthik and peisun, thank you for always trying to get the camera at my every whim and fancy, especially with our extremely hectic filming and editing schedule - i owe you'll chicken. hahas.

thirdly, to all the supporting cast members with special mention to kahkheng, mingfeng, calvin and andee hong. thank you for being a part of the production because without all of you, the production would have been less meaningful, less fun, and definitely less colourful. thank you especially to the year4s who took their precious time out to be part of the sometimes painfully long filming process.

fourthly, to all the dancers who took extra time out to practise and rehearse and to my choreographers who cracked your heads to come up with the dance and then teach it to the dancers. thank you for the time and effort that you have put in. :)

last but not least, the audience who came on that night. thank you for putting up with the delays as well as taking time out to come and watch the production - it touches me really deeply and it really meant so much to me. and also, thank you to all those whom i forgot to mention. :P there were really so many of you who made the production a success. thank you, thank you and thank you once more.

love loads,
quelyn

IRRITATED. totally already.

:(( whyyy. i tried something stupid, i asked Qiao to log into my account from where she is, AND THE SAME THING HAPPENED. SCREW HOTMAIL LAHHH. i'm angry now, if you can't tell. RAR. my japanese report is in there and i need that feedback that my groupmates are providing. i am going to kill someone soooon. alright, maybe i won't. i'll just breath and try again later. like a few hours later.

BUT I'M VERY WORRIED ABOUT MY EMAIL ACCOUNT BECAUSE OF MY JAPANESE REPORT. sighs. i wonder if someone hacked into my account, but then i realized nobody would want to hack into it because it's just a random bunch of a few million random emails. sighs. sighs. sighs. it's just important cause it's gotta do with my reports like nowww.

AHHH. shit. and there's something else important in there too. :(( i don't wanna lose those emails. sighs. on a slightly brighter side, QiaoQiao says her own hotmail account is screwed too. she's signed in but they say she ain't got no inbox. rar. what the shit lah. i'm very tempted to say a lot of colourful things, but it won't help much and thus, i will not say it. sighs.

SIGHS. i'm angry - or at least trying to be.

:) today is a PUBLIC HOLIDAY! which means no school, but there's still a lot of school work to do. the tutors of my new media module are very clever. because there's a public holiday this week, they changed all the tutorials on online graded forum replies. so even though everyone didn't have to go for the physical tutorial, i still have to "go for tutorial" - and the worst part, it's GRADED! based on the most stupid way, i think. writing in a forum and then they're going to "mark" the forum and give you marks upon i think 10 or 20. sighs. singapore is all about study study study, marks marks marks - no wonder there's no creativity flowing around this place. so, i like the space that i'm flowing in right now cause i get to be creative even though i still conform somewhat to societal norms (which, well, i'm thinking of breaking.)

right, the boring stuff aside, QiaoQiao and i are planning to go for NOC and SEP together. NOC is the NUS Overseas College Program where we go overseas study, learn and intern in the area of technopreneurship for a year in either the US, Shanghai or India. we're planning to go for the US so that we can not only study and do our internship, but also play and explore the area. DISNEYLAND HERE I COME. and if we get to go to NewYork, maybe godma can bring us into the UN HQ there. whee. and i can get to see godma's new babies and her husband, whom i've never seen before.

for SEP, it's still kind of undecided where we want to head to because it's really tricky. to go together, we need to go to a relatively "unpopular" location, or go to a location where the university there takes a larger number of students. but i think wherever we head to, it'll definitely be an adventure because we're going to explore a whole new world different from singapore. it might be a new weather condition, seasons or just totally different cuisine that we have to get used to. but i'm glad that there'll be someone with me on the journey.

thinking back about all my trips overseas, i always had one of my best friends accompanying me. JY went to Japan and Thailand with me. Nic went to M'sia on that geography trip with me. and now Qiao will be NOC/SEP-ing with me. wahahaha. i'm one lucky girl! :)

now, will anyone go to Bhutan with me? :P

ohhh. my geography report is still half done. argh. but i finished my japanese report, although hmm. i think it might get sent back for being too long and irrelevant. :( and i'm slightly irritated because hotmail won't let me access my account. and i really need to know what's going on there. oh shit. and i'm getting a tad worried because i can't sign into MSN either. it says that my password/username is incorrect/non-existent. sighs. what happened. ohwell, resetting my password now.

ok, yes. now i'm getting worried. i can't even change my password! argh. HELP ME.

right, quelyn signing off now to go fix her email.

:)

wahh. don't have enough time to post up a whole post. been busy finishing up my geography report, which, ok, hasn't been finished. lucky it's group work and i have QiaoQiao and Ryo to help out. or else i'd be in huge trouble. my japanese report due today hasn't been done either. sighs. well, i'll do it tomorrow. i'm off to work! hopefully i'll be able to finish my reports by tomorrow as well as get my thanks up on this blog. :)

yesterday night was a resounding success. thanks to all who came. eekers, shearites and friends - you filled the MPSH with more people than we expected. ^^ such a different experience seeing the film played on the big screen. oh, the applause at the end for the cast and crew was such feeling that cannot be described. i wonder if those directors who win awards feel this way to.

ciao till tmr. :)

woke up for a while cause i was thirsty and heard this song playing from my iTunes (sighs. fell asleep listening to some songs.) since the computer was on, might as well blog for about 5mins or so. the song, was quite poignant to me. do i know where my heart is? - hanging in limbo i guess. it's not here with me, yet, it cannot be there with him. do you think you can find it? - yes, definitely. i will have to get it back one day, so might as well start looking for it now. :) the last question, i'm still searching for an answer - have i betrayed my own heart?

hahas. random post cause of this song. haven't heard it play on iTunes for sometime already. well, going to turn my lappy off and return to sleep. ^^ finally, good rest where i don't have to worry about BEP. thank you speech up tomorrow cause now, the pillow calls again.

3hrs 18mins more to the start of my premiere! jittery jittery, even though i'm not performing live, but this is the first time that i've tried doing something like this and it's amazing how the adrenaline rushes through your body even though i'm doing some thing as simple as sitting in front of the computer typing these words out. sometimes i think it maybe novelty, and that's why i don't dare to pursue it.

but my best guess is that it's the feeling of effort. Raj's FB message says "satisfaction lies in effort, not in attainment" - kinda echos the saying that it's not the destination but the journey that matters. and that's what life is about. to me, it's about putting 100% effort in everything that i do, no matter how many other things i have on hand.

i know that people may disagree and ask, "how can you put 100% into everything if you have more than one thing happening at the same time?" - quelyn, and all the other mentors in the PVC team will tell you, we are living examples of being able to do that. it's not a special skill or an extraordinary feat. it's just the will and strength of the heart, mind and soul - where if you put those three things to it, you've put your 100% in. all mentors in PVC are asked to set goals that are achievable in the next 3mths and then we all set our minds to achieve all of them with the support of everyone around us.

but then, i realize that some goals are harder to achieve than others, especially when they involve another person. for now, i'm not going to say that i've failed in that particular goal because i'm still not giving up and i'm still going to put my 100% effort into it - i just have to find a way to do it. i don't want to give up on that goal, neither do i want to give up that person or that friendship. too precious to lose, but too fragile to touch.

my other goals are going pretty well - training to run 10k under an hour, 3.75CAP (hopefully i'll get higher!) and savings (something i never had. lols.) many milestones have passed, and i'm proud of myself. and so are my supporters. so if you're a new reader on the blog, or you're a friend but don't know about these goals, NOW YOU KNOW! and you can be my supporter too! :)

it's not even close to the premiere time, but i've been getting calls and messages wishing me goodluck for my screening. :) i don't know why i'd need luck for, but, thank you all for your love and encouragement. hee. i'll make sure that tonight will be a resounding success!

a bientot!
blogging my thank you speech tonight.

it rained yesterday and the day before. today's sky is also turning dark, but it hasn't rained yet. it's probably just the night coming earlier. tuesday tuesday - i kinda like tuesdays cause they're after the monday blues, but before the middle of the week. hahas. i think i scared hengfai, ryo and nixon yesterday night. but anyway, thanks for the concern. i know you'll love me cause i'm the nicest and prettiest level rep. :D

can't wait for tomorrow to come! it's the BEP screening - the premiere that i've been working so hard for. and i can't wait for tomorrow to be over and then i'll write and post up my first ever "thank you" speech. you'll never hear it at the grammy's or emmy's, but it doesn't matter. this whole journey has made me feel like a real director. :) i've learnt so much about myself and the potential behind my imagination. and i've also gained new knowledge on camera operations and post production (it's so much harder than i thought it would be.) but most of all, i've had loads of fun with my camerapeople and leads. you'll made all these possible. (sounds like my thank you speech is coming out already. must stop myself!)

feeling all jittery and excited cause i've invited all my important groups of friends along. Youth Factory is coming! and Karen is helping me rally N415 around. QiaoQiao is coming. Yan & Nic haven't replied yet. and of course, my lvl6 boys (2 of them are my leads!) as well as the block and some of my other friends in NUS. so excited.

this whole experience has made me think about a few other options to my education path. i know i'm already at the end of my first year in university, but to tell the truth, i never wanted to be in NUS - it's just that at that point of time, it was the only path that my parents were allowing me to take, for my own good, i understand. but i really wanted to go to NAFA or LWSSM to learn visual and performing arts. it won't be able to feed me very well, but it's something i'm passionate about. but i still entered NUS in the end. not that i'm regretting it cause NUS and hall has been a wonderful experience.

but maybe after university, i might consider going to university again at Tisch Asia. it's the Asian sister school of New York University Tisch School of the Arts whose alumni consist of some famous directors and cinematographers. but, well, that's for me to think during the holidays. it's something that has sparked a fire of interest in me, but i don't know if i'll pursue it and make it my career. i'll finish what i have at hand first and then think about this other option.

after tomorrow, i'll be left with just my studies and the PVC project. :) a burden of my shoulder, a project well done. seeing how the film is coming together, i know that it's going to be good.

avoir!

"i know you care for me and that's all that matters." - 6th April 2009,8.23pm. the very very first line of the post. and you feel that i think you never cared? i don't know what else to say to make you see that i know you care. and to me, it was always about you.


|edit|

this whole ordeal/misunderstanding started all because of me, so i'll end it. it all started because i was overly emotionally attached to you - has been since three years ago and became even stronger when you left. and i was greedy and wanted more than i was allowed to. but i was asking for more from a person who had already went over his limits already. and because of my own stupid mindset of seeing you as more than just a friend, i felt unfairly treated. but in actual fact, i was unfair to you - i'm sorry. but from today onwards, it'll never happen again. i'll try to continuously think of you as a friend, and i'll try as much as possible not to bring my personal emotions of romantic love into our friendship. those emotions have wrecked it to a level where i've hurt you so much. i don't know how else to rectify it other than saying, i'm sorry and promising that i won't try to be more than a good friend to you.

if there's really nothing we can see eye to eye to at the end of the day, i just pray that we'll still be friends. i pray that one day, after this time has passed, we'll still be able to talk cause for now, i give up explaining/justifying/saying anything - just think what you want to think about who i am and what i do.

have a great year ahead, stay happy.
study hard, play hard, work hard - just as you always have.
hopefully i'll see you at the end of the year in your home country.

till then, you'll be in my heart.

i know you care for me and that's all that matters.

justification and explanation are two different things but it seems to you that everything i say is to justify myself. and you really never saw the changes i made. you're still saying the same things. i've rarely missed my meals since the start of march. full days of things to do - i told you, it's just the way you look at things. going clubbing - what clubbing? i haven't stepped into a damn club since 14Feb till now - i said i'm going in May, probably just once to celebrate my friend's successful breakup from her controlling boy. and then i'll be working in the days with no energy to club at night anymore. sleeping late, waking up early is the only thing that i haven't changed yet.

you feel so damn tired sharing what you think. and i feel tired being misunderstood after sharing what i feel. on the "judgements" issue, i won't fight with you because i understand where you're coming from - it's just that the both of us have different way dealing with how we try to bring out the potential in other people. you just judge and criticize bluntly without thinking about how the other person feels or thinks, whereas i will still judge, but i bring it to the person through persuasion and suggestion. we all want to help each other and other people grow and fulfill their potential, we just have different ways of doing it, and it's something i'll just have to get used to.

i forsee that the paragraphs above will just be seen as justification and not an explanation, so i made them small - i wanted to delete them, but this is my policy of honesty. if you want to read it, it's still there.

but you know what's the thing that hurts the most...

just carry on your own life
maybe take this chance, as your frustrated, to ditch me out of your life for good.
then there'll be no more fools who don't understand to try and alter your way of life.

how many times must i tell you you're NOT a fool. you keep thinking that you are, why? why put yourself down? it hurts when someone you love thinks so lowly of himself when you treat him so preciously.

i never saw you as someone trying to alter my life. you were always someone who said things that were trying to help me, of course i know. it's just that sometimes we think differently on certain issues and i don't always take your advice word for word. i apply and change as i see fit.

my life was never totally my own after you. it was always you and me.

and the most hurtful one, you said you'd never let go of me and let me leave your life again. and now you're suggesting that i ditch you out of my life for good? so are you saying, if one day i said i'll ditch you, you'll really just let me go? if your answer is yes, then i really won't know how to reply you anymore. because to me, even if one day i give up my feelings for you, i'll still keep you as a close and special friend. that's how important and precious you are to me.

i don't want to say anything anymore. because it seems that the more i say the more you think i'm justifying myself and the more frustrated/angry/helpless/ whatever other feeling you'll get. you're turning 20 in a few hours. just go be happy. i don't want you to be having negative feelings on your birthday.

happy20th. go have fun on your birthday.

finally slept with my korean song playing on repeat. woke up and read your emails. and have so many thoughts running through my mind, but i won't say them all now because there are some that i have to think through. because i don't want to reply them with demands, judgements, angry outbursts or dishonesty - cause i so badly want things to work between us no matter how hard it is. but it seems like the feeling is not mutual, and wouldn't expect it to be knowing how much you want her and, to put it in a bad way for the lack of words, don't want me (don't get me wrong. i don't mean as a friend, but as something more).

maybe it's the fact that we are so far apart from each other and don't communicate. maybe it's the fact that you're comparing three years ago with that short two weeks that you barely were here. everybody around me has seen that change in me - everyone save you. i don't want to go guessing why because i know i'll start making assumptions that will hurt you. and i don't want to do that. so i'm leaving it at that.

it seems like i'm doing a million, billion things, but in fact, i'm not. i seriously have a lot of free time to spare. it's just that maybe from those two weeks you were here, it gave you the wrong impression. and from the number of things that i mention on my blog, it seems that way - that i'm doing so many things at one time. but it's not. it just seemed that way to you because during those two weeks, my nights were very hectic because we were preparing for a lot of hall and block events before the committee closes for the exam period. but you never saw my days and how free i was, waiting to spend some time with you but never got to until the last few days because you were the busy one (understandably cause you had to meet so many people). it's not me who has a billion things to do, it's the way that you see things (i never thought that i would ever say this backatcha. dejavu.)

you mentioned that the way that i put things out on my blog, it seems like i'm so eager to share the things that i'm doing. you know what, you're right. i'm damn eager to share whatever good things and bad things, meaning full moments, shit happens moments that happen in my life with YOU. i don't care how many other people are reading my blog because whenever i write an entry, the only audience in my mind is you. the amount of judgement that i have to deal with from the other people is so great, but i still don't care - i blog out my i love yous and i miss yous only for one person alone even when the whole world condemns me because it's wrong to love someone who has a status like yourself.

because i want you to know what i'm doing, how i'm feeling, what i'm listening to, what i'm reading, what i'm thinking. but it seems like all my words and the things that i'm doing is a form of escape and covering up to you. it hurts me that you feel that way. yes, truthfully and honestly, this blog is my only other way of communicating with you in an instant because i don't want to be flooding your inbox with emails that you'll probably just delete. this blog is not only the place where i rant out my feelings, but it's your personal never ending gmail account where everything i want to tell you is put in this space. and then i hear you telling me that all these - me vulnerably putting my happiness and sadness out for you to see it seen as escapism - it hurts like shit.

but i won't say anymore about it because i know you're making comments without knowing exactly what is going on. all this information, it may come as a revelation to you. or it may come as a repelling agent. i don't know, it's really up to you to decide.

and i don't know, maybe you think i'm so complicated that everything i do is complicated to you. i realize that you always have that judgement on me. and that's why you never saw beyond the person you thought i am - maybe i'm right, maybe i'm wrong in saying this, but it's just what i felt after reading your second email. there is no "theory" that i was trying to bring across to you when i said that. those cards that i sent you were part of your birthday card. but i guess you thought of it as something else - i don't know, but i'm not going to judge, again because i think you didn't know any better.

i'm totally agreeing with you on the point that the connection stays in the heart, and i'm not asking you to contact me, email me, talk to me, message me, MSN me every single day. that is virtually impossible because all that is reserved for her. and even if you didn't do all that, i'd still know you care for me because you still visit this, sadly, misunderstood space (which i hope that now you understand).

my point was about you finishing that short cryptic message that's got me worrying about how you are doing for days on end. what i was trying to say was, if you could do all that with her, couldn't you just have dropped me an email to tell me what happened and that you were doing fine. and the fact is you can drop me emails - three times in a 2-3 day period. but i don't know, maybe it's only when you think quelyn is going into overdrive that you will send an email?

this is really the last time that i'm going to try to explain it. but if you still don't get it, then really, forget it. just think what you have always thought about me.

and if you haven't noticed this post/"email" is riddled with "i don't know"(s) because i'm forcing my judgmental self to stay down and i'm trying to see things from your point of view and then explaining how i feel and what i'm doing. but if after all this trying to explain to you in a clam and rational manner is seen as a form of justifying to you, then seriously, let's just do it your way because you have a certain way of seeing things and i don't want to be misunderstood anymore. think what you want, because i can't stop you if you already have preconceived notions and judgements of me. it hurts me to think that you might be doing that - but if that's the way you are, i'll accept it. because that's what friends do, they accept the other for who he is. and that's what love does, it gives unconditionally.

one last time, and i swear i'll never say it again unless something more happens between us - iloveyou&imissyoualot.

love,
bbff.