Friday, February 29, 2008
你可以当我的幸福吗
once again, this day has come around
once every four years there is a 29th of feb
many people think that it's nothing special
they feel that it's just another day of the year
but countless stories and songs have been spun around this very day.
for me, the 29th of feb is an extra day of the year
where i can relax or just do something that i like
but this year, this won't come to pass
as i've said before, i'm getting tired
the burdens never do end, do they
God, i'm tired
take me away from here
i know i haven't been a good girl
but i'm trying
this year's 29th of feb.
i won't be doing something that i like
i'm getting my priorities straight
and giving my time to God
this post is random
it's ok if you don't understand
because there are 4 topics is those few sentences
<3happy 29th!Thursday, February 28, 2008
sometimes i start to feel tired
being forced to grow up quickly
losing and leaving my childhood behind
it was one of the cruelest things
there was no choice because i was subjected to it
now that i want to relive my childhood
people start dissing me
they put their opinions on me
they critisize me
you had a childhoodyou don't know what it feels liketo lose something so goodand be thrown into the sea of adulthoodthe burdens of my family have lessened
and i want to have some me-time
i want a place where i can be a kid again
but no one wants to give me such a place
i'm also tired from carrying these feelings
give them to God
i know i have to do that
but i want a place to let my feelings out
and feel a comforting hand on my shoulder
a palm to wipe away my tears
i have God
but i am human too
i need that human touch in my life.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
The Comfort Zone
I used to have a comfort zone where I knew I wouldn’t fail.
The same four walls and busy work were really more like jail.
I longed so much to do the things I’d never done before,
But stayed inside my comfort zone and paced the same old floor.
I said it didn’t matter that I wasn’t doing much.
I said I didn’t care for things like commission checks and such.
I claimed to be so busy with things inside my zone,
But deep inside I longed for something special of my own.
I couldn’t let my life go by just watching others win.
I held my breath; I stepped outside and let the change begin.
I took a step and with new strength I’d never felt before,
I kissed my comfort zone goodbye and closed and locked the door.
If you’re in a comfort zone, afraid to venture out,
Remember that all winners were at one time filled with doubt.
A step or two and words of praise can make your dreams come true.
Reach for your future with a smile;
Success is there for you!
i think that i've stayed in
my comfort zone for long enough
it's time to get a new day job
i've got new goals to fulfill
what happens when you leave a kid alone.
i hope you don't mind
i hope you don't mind
that this bleeding heart of mine
cannot be saved by your gentle words
i pray you understand
i pray you understand
that it's hard to keep what i can't give
and it's hard to give what i've never had
this world of mine
this world of mine
has only been felt by God and me
no other human has ever been in it
and i hope you'll see
i hope you'll see
how hard it is for me
to stay in this place with you
i realized that i'm still scarred by the past. i never have many girl-friends not because i don't like them but because i'm always afraid to open up to them. the hurt and the pain that those three girls caused in secondary school have left me running to guys instead. i love my guy friends. even though they are rougher, have almost no common topics and i have to be subjected to becoming one of them, i still prefer to be with them.
because they make me feel safe
in this world where all hope
has vanished
and danger lurks in every corner
God is male. and He keeps me safe in my everyday life, spiritually, physically and emotionally. in the same ways, my guy friends allow me to feel safe psychologically speaking. i can be who i am when i'm with them. i can open up knowing that when i slip all they'll do is laugh it off. and to a large extent this is hurting whatever friendships i have with the girls in any group i go to.
they think i'm a flirt
but that thought hurts me
they think i'm acting cute
but that thought kills me
they think i'm trying to be different
but i'm just trying to be me
many times i felt like leaving my groups of friends. be it church, school or just random groups i meet. but in school what keeps me there is the support i get from my best friends. in random groups what keeps me there is the company i get when i'm lonely. in church what keeps me there is being able to feel the presence of God with a group of like-minded people.
but it's hard to keep it up
it's hard to hear their voices
and know that their smiles
are not true at all
it hurts my heart to know
that they're just friends with me
because they have to be
i know i'm an insecure little girl
but i do know when people are true
i want to know you girls as well
and i'll keep on treating you'll with love
i just hope that one day you'll love me too
thank you to
jingyan nicole adeline monica june veron geokting belinda
for always being by my sideand helping me believeto that extent thatthere are some girls who truly care about me
Friday, February 22, 2008
omgomgomg
omgomg!!we're hosting the
2010 Youth Olympics!
i'm totally syched about it
even though i'm not exactly a PAP fan
but i am somewhat a singaporean as well
i love some of singapore (eg. security multi-racial-ness)
and i hate some of it (eg. education system, Temasek Holdings)
but the excitment of holding the Youth Olympics doesn't dampen
because it's the first time singapore is doing something of such a scale
benefits of hosting and volunteering in the Youth Olympics
1. being in the thick of the action2. seeing an even more diverse crowd of youths3. getting to make more friends from around the world4. cultural exchanges 5. new sporting facilities6. higher revenue margins for the hospitality industry7. more coverage of our tiny island8. international recognition of singapore9. showcase of our talents and ablilities10. more eyecandy for quelyn!lols. everything is true except for point no. 10ah. other than the Youth Olympics 2010
there's the
Singapore Flyeri can't wait to actually get on that thing
many people thought that it would be a huge flop initially
afterall, it's a carboncopy of the London Eye.
but for now, it's a novelty in Asia.
singapore better bank on getting as much revenue they can
cause in a few years time there'll be one in Dubai as well...
God, can you give singapore more land
then we can build DisneyLand Singapore!
note. quelyn worked till 2.30am! please do not call her the whole of today or she might get really upset because she's not in the mood for phone talking. the best way to reach her today is by messaging her at 9xxxxxxx. if you don't have her no. please call tomorrow instead. :) thank you and have a nice day.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
有时候 在我没想什么的情况下
我的眼泪就会突如其来的流
那时候的眼泪 是我平常哭不出的
我恨自己的软弱 恨自己的无助
但是 我不能把它表达出来
我只能默默的装坚强
大家都以为 我对我爸爸的事 无情无义
但他们不知道的是 每晚我是在眼泪中进入梦境
每次妹妹看我的时候 她的冷漠 恨意
一次又一次的再度把我的心给打碎
弟弟的不理 让我觉得他不再是以前的人
他们有了男/女朋友 就忘了我这个姐姐
但我依然还是为他们拼命
就算是累垮了 我还是继续
就算是病倒了 我还是勇往直前
因为我爱他们
但那份爱 往往被遗弃 被嫌弃
好心疼 好心痛
我 真的只能过这样的日子吗？
画出你心情
今天想了好多事 也发现了好多
大部分的领悟来自于我画画的时候想到的
闷的时候我习惯画画
开始的时候 没把那些画放在眼里
但是我渐渐发觉到 我画出来的是我当时的心情
画个城堡 - 我想被保护
画个天空 - 我想要自由
画个大海 - 我想远远的漂走
画个飞机 - 我想到别的国家走走
但是我发现 我不会画“爱”这个字
因为 我不知道它是什么
亲情 友情 家常便饭的感觉
但有谁真正爱过我？
可能他们是爱我的 但没表现出来
但我还是画不出爱
有一天 我希望 我能展出一幅命名为“爱”的画
hoho. yesterday was jingyan's birthday
and we went to manhattan fish market
lols. three girls and
ONE fisherman's platter
so you can guess how much we actually ate.
but we sat there for about two hours
i miss all the crapping that we did in sec school
and all the bullying me and nic did.
fyi. nic and i were the
"evil twins"because we1. always stuck together2. always spoke in english3. always was mrs. tang's pet (not that we wanted to be. she just loved us to bits)4. always debating about stuff in class5. always BULLYING JARED! and leonard for that matter(they were unlucky enough to be sitting in front of us for about 20hours every week and they became our favourite pastime activity. hah.)6. always sidetracked mrs tan during geography(i did that in JC too! hahas. with my geography teacher as well.)7. never listening in english and literature8. never passing up math homework9. never listened to mr. ang10. never got punished by mr. anglols. and the list contains another 100 things as to why we are "evil" and why we are "twins".but after yesterday night
we all realized that we were spending way too little time with each other
so we decided that we would meetup at least once a monthonce a month seems like a really long time
but it's mostly because of me
juggling jobs, family, church and friends
life's not easy
but it's ok cause i have my church family
my family and friends behind me
ah! and guess what.
when we were leaving i saw...
trudy yanming
jinglong clarence
and their lecturer
goodness~
i missed trudy and yanming so much
i hugged trudy and pinched yanming's cheeks
and then i realized...
THEIR LECTURER SAW IT ALL!
i thought he was one of their other friends.
lols.
so embarassing.
but anyway, he was a nice man.
we walked around spotlight
crapped a lot more
and then went home
hahas. today jingyan is officially
19 YEARS AND ONE DAY OLD!
hahas.
i don't want my birthday to come
i don't want to grow old
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
今天真的写了好多文章
是因为我太闷了 还是因为我有心事
其实我自己也不知道
上网后 我读了好多东西
读了别人的故事 别人的人生
和我一样的遭遇 不一样的结果
我问自己 为什么我回受这种苦呢
我好想逃避 好想跑掉
但我不能 因为我的负担太重了
耶稣 为什么是我 为什么
我好累 好累
好想哭 想喊 想跑
但我被绑住
我好累 我想要有个人分担
想要有人照顾我 呵护我 保护我
那样的他会出现吗
"... may apply to change their visitor visa to a resident visa,
with which they can apply to become a registered alien ... "
how cute is that? a registered alien.
then what's ET? an unregistered alien?
hahas.
i realized that i blogged a lot today
maybe i'm too bored...
i'm currently asking myself if my dream
is what i really want to be in life
the road to achieve my dream
is a long ardous and treacherous one
my friends say that i'm too naive to enter such a job
then i ask myself again
is this what i want to be?
or is this what God wants me to be?
i realize that sometimes as a human
i tend to want to realize MY expectations of myself
but that might mean that i'll be compromising God
quelyn. stop being so self-centered
listen to God more.
and listen to Him clearly.
i wonder when the Alvl results will be out.
some tell me it's early march
others say that it's end feb
i think i'm going crazy from all these dates
on the surface, i can't be bothered about the results
i tell myself, what's done is done
and i'll leave the rest up to God
but deep inside, i never want to take my results
i dread it because after each paper
it seemed as if i didn't answer well enough
God, take away this fear and dread
teach me to put my faith wholly in You
remind me that my future is bright
because i have You
i'm home at 1am!
it's a miracle. lols.
that's because there weren't many people
but i'm still quite tired
cause i've been standing the whole night
today i opened my first wine bottle in front of the customer!
wow! wow! wow! so exciting.
hahas. it's the small things that get me all excited
and it's the same things that get me happy
i love smiling at people and watch them smile back at me
i love serving people. and i'm wanting to serve in Church soon
just don't know which ministry to join...
usher? attributes? SECURITY! hahas.
nonono.
lester korkor will have one more thing to worry about if i join his ministry.
instead of chasing the bad guys, he'd be trying to tell me to stop smiling.
don't know.. let's let God lead the way. :)
hmm.. got a few things to share!
yeah. sharing stuff makes the stuff even more enjoyable.
here's my valentines' day rose!
.jpg)
it's being dried right now so if you wanna see it
it'll be brown when you do. hahas.
and then there's my stuffed toys!
they sit on my bed and sleep with me every night.
.jpg)
the white bear is from italy. my mum got it for me as my 18th birthday present
the brown bear is from my brother. i love him cause he randomly gives me stuffed toys now and then.
the cat is actually an arm rest. my best bud and i got the exact same thing.
the dog is from my brother. as i said, he randomly gives them to me. :D
and the cute pooh set is from artons from the christmas gift exchange.
hahas. they're like a display set which i talk to.
and i love them even though they are inanimate
yeah. i've got a lion dance to share.
but that one's a little dry.
and i'm tired. :(
i'm going to bathe and SLEEP!
and... it's jingyan's birthday now!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JINGYAN!i don't cry because of you anymore
but i still think of you
and miss you even more
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
i realized that i have 777 emails
in my council gmail account.
tonight i'm working again. yippee!
but it's too bad that i won't get to sing this week
if i work on wednesdays, then i get to sing
but this wed is my best bud's b'dae
so of course i spend it with her
:)
had a super great night's rest yesterday
and i dreamt of castles. hahas
very random isn't it.
but i like all things medieval
(medieval meaning pertaining to the Middle Ages)from kings and queens to knights and dragons
it's a land of fantasy that i can escape to for a while
oh well.
castles don't look good in singapore anyway
it'd stick out like a sore thumb in our concrete jungle
wheee~
we will shine
shine like stars above
shining in Your light
guided by Your love
let You fire burn in us
burning like a sun
as we glorify
show Your kingdom come
to all the earth
Monday, February 18, 2008
80th post!
for a floater like me
only one other blog has reached its 80th post.
but i think this blog is here with me to stay.
:)
today the sky looked very blue to me
but God, one day can you turn it pink?
cause i really love pink.
of course, You're still my first love
pink is my second.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
alright. i admit.
my recent blog entries have been sad
i've been so blinded by the bad things that i forgot about the good things
so this entry is about all the good things in life!
firstly i'm thankful for living!
because if i wasn't alive, i wouldn't be able to feel all these
happiness. sadness. euphoria. disappointment. excitment.
and the list of words can go on and on.
but i really think that living is great
i remember a time, long long ago when i always wanted to die
thank God i didn't or else i would have met...
N415!
although they have been my cell group for only 3weeks
they already feel like family with all the
1. bickering with clarence telling him that i am a GIRL
2. teasing lester korkor about his gigantic appetite
3. watching lusi's different poses when she talks
4. giving jocelyn the nick of T4 (although i think that was quite mean. hahas.)
5. seeing jeremy as our cell guitarist
6. picnic-ing on the floor of brother joe's gf's (aka sister emily) house
.
..
...
....
and this list will just keep getting longer
and i'm glad that i'm going to start getting to know them even more
i wish that i had opened up more when i was with my other LOVE...
N233~
these are the only photos i own of them and they were taken at our last steamboat
but i still am really thankful for them
because they were the ones who were with me
even though they didn't know what was going on in my life
they still went through my toughest times with me
thank you N233!
and then of course there are many other good things that have happened recently
my angbao monies!
although it's not as much as jeremy's
i think i'm still very blessed
:)
and i'm going to be a blessing soon.
N415, watch out!
my job satisfaction
other than bartending at night
i get to sing as well!
woohoo~
hearing the applause is happening
it makes my heart soar with pride? happiness?
i don't know how to describe that feeling
but it's one super duper great feeling
i got to see my daddy again!!!
maybe a lot of you out there don't know
but i haven't seen my dad for 6months now
and i really really really missed him loads
but today i got to see him!
it was a variety of mixed feelings because of various reasons
but in the end, i'm still glad i went down to see him
and, most of all i've got a
fresh start with Daddy Jesus again.
today at service during worship
i was reminded once again that
He is my shelter
He is my strength
and that He will carry me through
so exciting~
on the same day i'm renewed/reunited
with the two most important men in my life
ahh. and last of all i'm thankful for all the 帅哥s in the world
i'm not in a relationship so i can eyecandy all i want!
woohoo~
[but Daddy Jesus, i promise that when i meet the right person i'll stop eyecandying ok. until then, can i have more eyecandy please. :) ]
alrights!
i'm signing off already
love all of you who are here
and hope you all have something happy
and something that you can be thankful for in your life!
Labels: N233, N415
woo hoo!
found this on jinglong's blog.
i'll blog later today!
see you then. :)
Your Five Variable Love Profile
|
Propensity for Monogamy:
Your propensity for monogamy is medium.
In general, you prefer to have only one love interest.
But it's hard for you to stay devoted for too long!
There's too much eye candy to keep you from wandering.
Experience Level:
Your experience level is high.
You've loved, lost, and loved again.
You have had a wide range of love experiences.
And when the real thing comes along, you know it!
Dominance:
Your dominance is medium.
You tend to be the one with more power.
You aren't a total control freak in relationships..
But of course you don't mind getting you way!
Cynicism:
Your cynicism is low.
You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance.
No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter.
You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate.
And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon.
Independence:
Your independence is medium.
In relationships, you need both "me time" and "we time."
You usually find it easy to be part of a couple.
But occasionally you start to feel a little smothered.
|
Friday, February 15, 2008
yesterday was almost like any other day
other than the fact that there were so many couples everywhere i turned
but for me, it was a time where i could pamper myself
and finally SLEEP!
i also had some time to think about many things.
recently i've been quite depressed when i'm alone
but looking back, i guess the situation is not that bad
taking up more jobs to fill up my time has taken my mind off it already
and having friends around has also made life very much easier
maybe what i've gone through is to make me stronger
God always has His own reasons for things that happen to us
maybe one day i'll be able to help someone else who is going through the same thing
and maybe this disappointment will spur on my desire to achieve my dream
all the maybes, only one conclusion.
God's plan is in the process.
all i need is faith to pull through everything.
sharing a song with everyone out there
i sang this at the conniosseur divan the other day
aka i'm their unofficial singer (one step closer to my dream!)
and i hope that you'll see the meaning that i see in it.
The Rose - Bette Midler
Some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love it is a hunger
an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
and you it's only seed
it's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
it's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance
it's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying
that never learns to live
When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed that with the sun's love
in the spring becomes the rose
Thursday, February 14, 2008
哦 终于可以打华文了
i finally figured out how to configure the office computer
and it's going to be party time from now on.
it's valentines' day
the one that comes around once every year
last year i recieved about 20stalks/bouquets of flowers
and about one tonne of chocolate
but this year is going to be very different
i don't want to go out because i'm too tired
i'm going to catch up on my sleep
yesterday at the divan i was working with a new guy
his name's gary (gary song, don't you find that name familiar? hahas.)
he was kinda quiet at first but then we started talking a lot more
he's a friend of hsun hao's. and they know shun kai!
how coincidental.
and another thing!!
i was singing at the divan yesterday
hahas. a taste of my dream...
but i still have stage fright.
:(nevermind. i'll try harder next time.
happy valentines' to all the couples i know
and to all the singles, ROCK YOUR WORLD!
being single is still the best. :)i finally see a goal that i can work towards
daddy, you're going to be proud of me
i want you to see your little princess on stage
i miss you daddy...
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
freak.
i'm suddenly having a really bad feeling
it makes me emo-er than before
but what can i do?
i just take life as it comes to me.
honestly, if you still don't know
i'm juggling three jobs
my day job as an admin asst.
8.30am to 5.45pmmy night job as a bartender.
7pm to 2ammy weekend job as a tutor.
4hours of tutoring straight on sat mornsand i'm doing all this to run away from reality
i'm going back to 2007
where i buried myself in council work
just to forget him
but now that emotional scar is healed
and we're good friends
i suddenly have to take another blow
personal blows are worse than relationship ones
and this one, i don't think i'll ever heal
but all in all, the only thing that keeps me hanging on
is none other than God/Jesus/Daddy.
without Him, i'd still be suicidal
without Him, i'd be dead already
without Him, i seriously don't wanna know how wrecked i'll be
i feel like dying
i've got many friends
but none close enough to ramble to
my brothers have their own lives
and i don't want to bother them
"she puts on a strong front to hide the bleeding princess within"i want to cry
but i can't
i want to scream
but i can't
i want to complain
but i can't
i want a shoulder to lean on
but i don't have one
somebody save me
today, i just realized...
i've forgotten how he sounds like
i've almost forgotten how he looks like
i've forgotten how gentle he was
i've forgotten how it feels like to be with him
instead
the memories of him are being replaced
with a new sound
with a new type of gentleness
with a new face...
i can't allow this to happen
not when i've gotten so far to forgetting
forgetting that i was dreaming of a wedding there
forgetting of the promises he made to see the stars with me
forgetting that he wanted me to visit his country'
forgetting that i almost wanted to marry and migrate there
this is the one thing that i've always never wanted to happen
never to meet a guy like him
never to meet a guy from his country
never to meet a guy that has an attitude like his
what am i going to do?
i don't want to feel this way anymore
Monday, February 04, 2008
today i'm going to start on a new job.
i'm waiteressing at the connoisseur divan from 7pm onwards
it's a night job and i'm not sure how well i'll cope
but i'm still under a trial period because i have no waitressing experience
well. there's a first for everything.
i don't really like my day job
but i can't quit
so maybe the night one will be more of a challenge
life's never about stopping
because even if you stop
life will still continue going on
Sunday, February 03, 2008
『王子 王子 我的王子在哪儿』
reminicient of Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet"
“Romeo O Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo”
many a times, i've always daydreamt of a Prince
to come and sweep me off my feet
but in this day and age, it's something impossible
guys, are not of the standard that they used to be in the olden days
the world has changed and so has the values that we hold
『王子 王子 我等你啊』
many people wait for that Prince to come
but as for me, i don't wait anymore
when he comes i'll know
so why wait?
i'll live my life the way i want to
the most important thing right now is to be HAPPY.
random ramblings. random everythings.
Saturday, February 02, 2008
i honestly don't know what's wrong with the singapore govt these days
more ERP gantries so that more people will take public transport?
right. with such an INEFFICIENT public transport sytem.
HAH.
today as i was making my way home from work the public transport system was a failure.
the MRT stopped somewhere in the middle of nowhere
and announced that it had reached bishan
RIGHT.and then when i was at the interchange waiting for a bus
it took
40minsWOW.how efficently efficient.
if i spend 40mins waiting for a bus home every night
that'll be 200mins every week wasted.
if i was staying where i used to, i could walk home
but not anymore...
argh. i just don't get it.
first, taxi fares went up
because the govt. didn't want foreign workers to take cabs
and so that more people will take the PubTpt.
now, more ERP gantries so that people will take more PubTpt.
but service is lousier and more inefficient than ever before.
i can't stand it anymore.
if the singapore passport wasn't so useful
i'd have given up my citizenship
i want to be a world citizen
not a singapore citizen
but i have to be a singapore citizen
to be a world citizen
because i need the da*n passport
and singapore's is the most hassle free
immediate access to almost all countries
without needing to apply for a visa
RAR.
to love and to hate.why is there such a thin line?
.jpg)
.jpg)
