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THE BLOG! :) obviously, but also to a world of wonders and mysteries
that are to be unraveled because that's precisely what SHE (or rather
me,) is all about. if you know me, welcome to another side of me.
but if you don't know me, it's okay. i still welcome you into a world of me
and what happens. i'm not anywhere near perfect, but here is where
i share my experiences and learnings. hope you'll be blessed reading
my entries!
LOVE YOU!
Sunday, September 13, 2009

for the first time in many weeks, I spent almost a full 48hrs away from hall, living my life outside that enclosed compound of NUS. for the first time, I studied in my own room at home since I came to university. for the first time, I spent a whole night in revelry, forgetting about everything else and just enjoying myself since I stepped into this new world full of politics. for the first time, I just drank to my hearts contents, not fearing drunkedness because of the safe environment I was in.

and I'm glad for this weekend off. there's meetings tonight, but at least, at least I had the time of my life yesterday night.

but at the same time, I realized how many different people I can become in just 2days. student, blockhead, teacher, daughter, party girl, best friend, Christian, m2. and in each and every role, I act differently and I even look different. and I wonder how does that work out? was just looking at the bus info and then realized that I really do look different when I wear different clothes, different shoes. and it was really somewhat of a shock because I didn't realize how much skinnier I've become, how much prettier I've become, how much bitchier I've become, how much more mature I've become.

sometimes I wonder when God looks at me, who and what does he see. the many bad and forbidden things that I've done, intentionally or not, will he forgive me for it? after this period, will he still take me back as his little girl? idk, and sometimes I doubt it highly because I'm a naughty girl who has broken so many rules just to live life the way I want to. I've betrayed so much of me that idk what's left. it's a surreal feeling, like somethings feel like they've never happened even though you know they did. when God looks at me what does he say and how does he feel? sad I guess, looking at how screwed up my life has become. and being able to cover it up so well, I give it up to myself. And then wonder how long more and how much more of this can I take?

I fee that some of my friends are right, I need someone to take care of me. I would love for it to be someone in hall, but at the same time, it's complicated and I don't want it to affect my emotions cause I know how it'll affect the way I do my job. complicated. very. but I need someone I cab constantly count on to go to, a reliable chest and shoulder to cry on, to laugh with and to just share the ups and downs, both mine and his. but so far, that person hasn't appeared. beek says to have faith and I'll soon find that piece of sky that will belong to me, but it's not that easy and I've almost lost all faith.

sighs. idk what to think anymore.