the more i force myself to be a playgirl,
the more i know how afraid i am of getting into a real relationship.
i play. i make myself sound like a full-fledged player. but that's something that i haven't done in quite a while already. haven't been playing with minds for a few months already, or at least it feel like it. and that's because i've been busy with rag dance. but now that there's a boy somewhere in my life, i make myself sound like i don't care, like i don't really want this relationship. but myself more than anything else knows how much the heart yearns for stability.
but on the other hand, i don't know what the boy feels or thinks. because he's so much of a mystery. as much as i am to him. we both are standing on the edge of the line between black and white. there's that thin grey area that we're balancing on, i think. because we both don't know what each other is thinking.
or maybe because i read too much into what he says and what he does.
i've built this glass prison around me. this prison, is so easy to break. so easy to shatter. but not without me getting hurt. sometimes i feel that i choose to imprison myself because i'd rather lose this freedom than get hurt again. this glass prison keeps me from seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. but do i really care about what's at the end of the tunnel? idk.
all i know is, i don't want to get hurt.
it's like playing with fire
and hoping that you don't get burnt.
it's like jumping into the ocean
and believing that you won't drown.
it's like putting your head under the guillotine
and thinking that the blade won't drop.
but that's not reality.
i don't know what is real anymore.
| morning ramblings |
i dreamt a dream of you . . . and me.
the rain is threatening to fall outside my window
what about the tears behind my eyes?
they say that sometimes we dream what the subconscious mind thinks, and i think i finally know what i've been thinking all along. i dreamt that i got to close to some other guys and he got jealous, and showed his true feelings. but in reality, this is not so. we get along well, but that doesn't mean that he really loves me. there's so many uncertainties and sometimes, it's just not meant to be certain ways.
was telling lynette the other day that i realized that i have a pattern when it comes to boys, boyfs and flings. they never last long, i'm never serious and there's always the element of more fun than feel. deep inside, i want to settle, but i'm afraid of settling. maybe because of my past relationships. maybe because of the way i saw my parents end. maybe because the guys that i'm with never want anything more than the physical. maybe because i just haven't met the right one.
but right now, even if we don't get together,
i hope that he'll be the right one for me
at this current point of time.
countdown, 3days to Rag.
