and i just want affection and protection .
but it doesn't work that way
so maybe i shouldn't play .
a sunday afternoon in hall. decided not to go to church this morning and concentrate on hall stuff for today because there's just so many things going on and i feel that, going to church when i'm just going there because it's just a weekly "ritual" doesn't make sense anymore. i don't feel anything anymore. no matter how much i pray, read the bible and all that, it just doesn't ring a bell on anything anymore. i went for monday's overnight prayer meeting despite the fatigue of dance and the knowledge that i had practice at 10am the next morning. but, i guess that being pious doesn't help at all. during the prayer meeting, i sincerely prayed for everything that i was supposed to pray for. but that doesn't make life better does it.
family family family. it's just a word nowadays. a word that holds no meaning? a word that is just a way of saying that you belong somewhere, even when you don't really belong. i hate my past. no matter how pampered i was, no matter how i was able to willfully get everything that i wanted, it doesn't matter. the parents don't get it do they? i don't want money (it is essential, but that's not what i want), i don't want material goods (it's nice to have them of course, but it's not essential). all i want is for you to show that you truly care.
that YOU truly care. i don't care about how you feel about my other parent. i don't care about how my other parent loves me. everyone has their different ways of showing love - money is definitely not one of them, so just let the other parent love me in the way he/she knows how to. right. it's that easy. sighs. nevermind. the parents will never understand and my siblings and i will just suffer in silence, no matter how much we know we shouldn't be suffering this kind of shit.
i've always thought that when God brings a child into the world, the child should be surrounded by love and happiness. but as from the examples of lesser developed countries like africa or even india, we see that this is not the truth. even closer to home, singapore is full of dysfunctional families like mine where we face a different situation from our compatriots in africa and india. there, they are fighting for survival. in my case, i know and am grateful that i'm so much more blessed than them because i've got every material thing that they don't. but on the flipside, they have the genuine love and care from their parents and humanitarian workers whilst i ...
sighs. maybe i should just be glad that i'm not fighting for survival
maybe i should just be glad that i have the material things that they don't.
but material things fade away, die out or are spoilt
but love always stays.
that's why i envy them.
was talking to a close adult friend of mine last night and we were just catching up and she was giving me a listening ear. and i told her that i'm actually afraid to get married and have kids, no matter how much i really want to get married and maybe get kids. because i don't want the past to repeat itself. because i don't want my kids to suffer what i have. because i cannot confidently say that i won't vent my past on them. i'm afraid that i will, even though i tell myself that i don't want to let them follow in my steps.
we also came to a conclusion that i keep changing boyfs not only because i'm looking for the right one to come along (sorry people, i am loyal to every guy that i am attached to, but contrary to what you think, i get over them as fast as i became loyal to them. i'm no longer that girl who cried for one year for the same guy. that quelyn, is dead and gone), but also because i don't want to be alone at any point of time. i need that affection and protection no matter how independent i am.
i like being protected because i've spent too long protecting the ones i love without anyone sheltering me. i've spent too long being mature that i just want to be a kid at times. people say that i act like a five-year-old, a seven-year-old. how many of you spent your waking hours in primary school looking after crying infants. how many of you sacrificed your sleep, your time out with friends just to rush home because something happened and there wasn't anyone there. how many of you had to be burdened by promises unkept and dreams dashed because of your parents. i think maybe i'm not the only one with these experiences. but i feel that it's time to give myself a break from being mature and responsible.
that's why i became a party girl. my days are spent as a responsible student, a good shearite. i do my homework, complete my duties and make sure that they are all down pat pretty and good. but at night, it's time for me to let my hair loose, literally and metaphorically. i party hard with my girls, flow with the music and down alcohol like nobody's business (and i do take care of myself and my friends in the process). it's all part of getting my share of fun. i'll never be able to play on the swing anymore. i'll never be able to go take those silly pretty neoprints anymore. i'll never be able to do all that other people have done during their primary/secondary/JC days, but i do know that i can party like a rockstar right now.
it's the last few years of my life when i can really go crazy.
call it whatever you like, irresponsibility, voluntary madness - anything.
i don't care. because to me,
it's redemption.
i've spent too long ranting already i guess. but as i've said before. this is the only place where i can say everything that i feel and everything that's bothering me. so if you don't like what i'm writing here, there's always the browser that you can close. if you think i'm complaining too much then don't come back here. if you think that i'm writing useless things, then don't read. easy as that. it's the freedom of speech.
ciao for now.
