tell me have you ever loved and lost somebody.

seems like rag dance is not helping all the emotions in me at all. during the day, obviously i won't have the word "emo" written all over my face because it seems that i'm already quite lonely in rag dance. missed the first week of intensive practice and i'm already starting to feel estranged from the freshies because they've been htht-ing alot the past week. and then of course, there's the endless runs of the whole performance that entails smiling and behaving kiddish, thus, there's really no room for me to put my real emotions on my face.

but at night, when i'm all alone in the room, door closed, blinds drawn, the emotions just sink in. and i realize that i cannot cry anymore. because, i'm immune to doing that. bbff once told me before that it's not a weakness to cry. but he lives in a different world. he doesn't know the world i live in and he obviously doesn't bear the responsibilities that i do. i remember that last year during LTC, i made a realization - as a leader, you never cry in front of your charges because it is a sign of your weakness. as a senior in hall, a future blockhead, i cannot cry in front of my hall mates. as a leader in school, i cannot cry in front of my charges. as a leader in the company, i cannot cry in front of my subordinates. as an older member in the cellgroup, i cannot cry in front of my cellgroup mates. so tell me, when then can i cry.

the answer is never because i've learnt so well not to cry that even in the quietness of my room, i don't cry at all anymore. as much as i want to, but i don't. not just because it's a sign of weakness anymore, but also because my mind is numb. korie says that it's not true and that one day, i will cry again. well, i'll just be waiting to for that day to come. maybe, just maybe it'll come sooner than later?

the number of friends that he and i are going to have in common is just going to go up because i just found out that the "secret" that he's been keeping from me all this time is that he successfully got into hall. not the hall that i'm staying in, but one where i have many, many friends in. and i don't like it because it means that i definitely will be seeing more of him in the future whether i want it or not. and that doesn't help in the "let's forget him" part of my plan. same faculty, hall with many common friends. sighs. the news just keeps getting worse everyday.

i want to forget that which i love.
create a new divide between us.
one that i can never cross.
or else i know that,
i will fall.
damn.
shite.
f-.

seriously. seriously. let me go . don't haunt me. no one wants to be alone and everyone wants someone to care. but he cannot be that person that will care for me. he cannot be. because of the so many, so many things that are between us, that is stopping me for loving him and because we started on the wrong foot as well. so many reasons which i cannot list out that keeps us away from each other. for all that's unwritten here, are streaks of paint that cuts the flesh and leaves me to bleed, silently.

someone take me away please. just bring me away from this space that i am in right now. the pain, is almost unbearable but there is no way for me to let it out. it feels like i just keep cutting myself up inside even though i look fine on the outside. the following song, is in the wrong context, but it's describes exactly what i'm feeling very aptly.



on another slightly happier note, i've learnt finish almost all my parts. just have to clean and get a few bits here and there right. but other than that, i'm on track and mostly about 90% caught all the dance steps already. they're not clean, but at least, i'm able to dance. now the next step is to focus on memorizing and making sure that my lines are clean, i'm doing the right thing with my legs etc etc. and to stop wondering if he's helping out in hall or faculty rag. stop thinking. stop the mind from f- running into the wrong place.