if i said i miss you, would you even remember me?

just a few short months that feel like a year, or maybe even years. but at the end of the day, it still ends the same way as all the others that only lasted a few days long. i said to him "you're just another one of my flings in my 19th year." - but i didn't mean what i said at all. what i did know what that, i was running away because i was taking things all too seriously. after i said that, i put down the phone and started crying, wiped my tears and then changed to go out into the clubs for the night. to forget about him, or forget about the pain, i don't really know. all i know is that, i had to get over it.

it's been about well, three days since and i'm slowly opening up the memories again to think about all that happened. this person is the one that has been so elusive on my blog. but, hopefully after this post, he will never appear in this blog again. he was someone who was in none of my circle of friends and maybe that's why it was so hard to talk to anyone about it. the only one who probably knows some semblance of who he is would be korie. but even korie doesn't know his name. because he's someone that i've ever wanted but someone i can never have. i know all too well how it would end up.

he never said goodbye. the last thing he said to me was "happy 20th birthday". how ironic that it would end in the last hours before i turned 20. maybe it was a conscious decision that i had to end it before it ended me. right now, i'm not ready to take any serious relationship into my life because i'm wary of the coming year. afraid that it would affect my studies. afraid that it would affect the way i carry out my duties as a blockhead. afraid that it will change the way i relate to other people because having a serious boy would mean that i would want to spend more time with him, and i know that i will neglect everything else in my life. and i don't want that to happen. so i'd rather break him than the rest of my life.

it was a selfish decision, i admit. but in the first place, i don't think he was ever as serious as i thought he was. an open relationship that both of us didn't want to admit to our friends. i went out with his friends as one of his juniors. he never really met my friends at all because he always ran to somewhere else. but i think that this is where i'm contradictory in my thoughts because he is such a person. contradictory and ironic just like me. and the exact opposite of me. he wouldn't fit into my life. i wouldn't be able to fit into his. damn. but now i'm regretting. and at the same time, i cannot regret.

i guess the end of my quarantine and the start of rag dance comes at a right time for me. dance the hours away. dance the pain away. dance the memories of him to another land where he will be immortally the sweet person that i know him to be. a dream lover that i will never get. the past half a year to me, would probably be just a dream. a nice dream with one of the most memorable lovers.

nice one quelyn. nice one.

one last thing, the song that he caught my heart with . will become one of the anthems of my clubbing life. though it's quite an old song, it'll still always be one of my favourites, in memory of him.



baby you live on somewhere out there.

| edit |

been dancing since 2pm and it's dinner break right now. today was a slightly slacker day, but i'm catching up, slowly but surely. but because of the number of breaks, it also gave me more time to think about things that i didn't want to think about. to be emo and yet have to have a smiling face and go through as if nothing happened, really is the hardest thing yo do right now because all i really want to do is lie in bed and not doing anything at all.

forcing myself to move is the best thing that i can do right now.

| edit |

some of the contents of this blog post have been changed (aka. salt and pepper have been added or taken out) so that they person in question will not know that it is him that i'm talking about. please do not ask me for his name or anything of that sort because no such information will be given out at this point of time. hopefully if he reads this post, he will understand something new.