and i just can't pull myself away, under a spell i can't break .
YES~ finally i know that i have real visitors who actually visit my blog. :) hello people who are reading. know that i love you very much for dropping by. even though everything here is quite emo.mo.mo. sighs. today rachel commented that my blog posts are all very emo. and yes, i totally agree with her that my blog posts are emo. afterall, it's a place where i vent everything and be the other side of myself that i don't show during the day. if you really do know me well, you'd know that during the day, and even night, as long as there are people around me, i'm actually quite noisy and high. but to every person, there is another side of the coin which many don't see.
i'm actually not a very sociable person if you haven't realized. i make myself more open when there are more people around me because it's just another survival skill that i have to learn. unfortunately, my actual personality is very introverted. so much so that i can't click with many people. because i'm actually scared of them. and maybe because i despise some of them for their flaky character.
there's one real life example whom i see everyday. the person is well, a senior and i don't think much of this person because this person is so flaky to a point where when this person becomes lazy at doing what this person is supposed to do, i feel angry because everyone is working so hard and yet, this person, well, just doesn't do what this person's position is supposed to do. please do not try to guess who this person is because you will never succeed. anyway, i used to respect this person a lot, but as time passed, i realized that there's really nothing to respect about this person because it seems that this person has a bout of bipolarity that is not very noticeable. it's just that, i'm very sensitive to the feelings and thoughts of other people.
so much so that it scares myself. when you can know what a person is feeling just by looking at them. sometimes i feel like i'm invading their privacy, but there's no other way to stop it. it's just something that happens naturally. a gift i would say.
anyway, i know there are people who don't like me either and well, it's something that i cannot help. i don't need every single 6billion people in the world to like me. i'd have a very tiring life if that was the case. but anyway, i know people don't like me because they don't know me, and i don't blame them because i'm someone who's got many different aspects that make who i am up. and people who don't know me can't keep up with it. blame it on my horoscope i guess, i'm a cancerian (however you spell it) and my moods are very changeable as well as my personality. and it's just that some people don't know how to appreciate this uniqueness and write it off as flakiness. HEN SIAN.
but what they don't know don't hurt me. they just lost someone who could be their friend.
anyways, i've been thinking so much recently that my head hurts! cause of some decisions, i guess that many things in my life will have to change. and it's not that i'm not prepared to make these changes, but the status quo would have been so much better. and i hate it when rumors fly around because i know that there's one going around and it's a really HEN SIAN feeling because i'm afraid that it will ruin my friendship with a certain guy. i think he's not really taking it seriously, but ok, i'm still keeping my distance. i think that if that idiot hadn't started the rumor, we could have been quite good friends because i love his lame personality that makes my day and he's easy to talk to. but now, i have to keep my distance. and i hate it because i think i might just lose a friend.
well, life's just like that i guess. nothing more to say.
things happen for a reason? idk.
and i don't want to know.
| evening post |
i'm your biggest fan, i'll follow you until you love me .
what a joke, really. i don't think that such a thing will ever happen because i know that there's no way that someone out there will love me just because i follow them around. and anyway, that's stalkerish. but the thing about those lyrics that hit me was the determination that was in it. hen sian right? nevermind, i'm just crapping. :P
recently.. things have been quite flowy. i think sometimes i think too much, but that's just my conservative nature eating into my conscious mind. not too long ago (okay, maybe slightly more that 2years?) i used to love my life because it was almost perfect. my parents gave me everything that i wanted. i never really had to worry about material possessions and i had quite a loving boyf. even if he wasn't at the very least, i know i loved him alot, then.
fast forward to today, it seems that my character has shifted 360degrees. my parents still do what they do, but i'm not satisfied because i know that's not really love. material possession have become something that i can buy myself already - miss independent that pays for her branded clothes and things like that. as for love, i don't know what that is anymore. i don't love anyone, neither does anyone love me. love is non-existent because it's been replaced by the word lust.
i'm not afraid of people knowing because this is me. it's what i've become after all the years of growing tired of being loyal and loving. growing tired of constantly loving a person who didn't love me anymore. instead of being the one who suffers, why not be the one who enjoys all the attention? isn't that so much better than having to love others. i feel that it is. and it's become my way of life.
but that side of me is a character that comes out only at night. during the day, i'm unglamly clad in FBTs and oversized old school shirts. when i go for classes, i look a little better, but i tend to make myself look like a geek. and at night, it's a 360degree turn in dressing from oversized shirts to plunging necklines, flowing skirts that fly with every gust of wind.
seriously, the skinnier i grow, the crazier my dressing becomes. that was one of the very reasons why i was afraid to lose weight when i was slightly younger. but now, it's an all out fight to exercise more and become skinnier, for all the wrong reasons. i'm doing the wrong things even though i know it's wrong. but who care? no one cares for me. so why should i care. hah. ironically, i'm not saying that my friends don't care. they do, but in different ways. and i love my friends for loving me the way that i am. serious during the day, playful at night. sighs. personally, i don't even know what i'm really feeling. nice.
if you can imagine, i used to be very very very extremely conservative. things that weren't meant to be were never done. alcohol was a deadly sin and partying was never a word in the dictionary. but things have since changed. i still keep some boundaries, but most of them have already been broken. i drink, i party. hahs. of course there is a part of me that is still conservative and that's why, i'm still alive and in university.
and i think i've found someone who's exactly like me. nice.
at least i know i'm not alone.
| morning post |
