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THE BLOG! :) obviously, but also to a world of wonders and mysteries
that are to be unraveled because that's precisely what SHE (or rather
me,) is all about. if you know me, welcome to another side of me.
but if you don't know me, it's okay. i still welcome you into a world of me
and what happens. i'm not anywhere near perfect, but here is where
i share my experiences and learnings. hope you'll be blessed reading
my entries!
LOVE YOU!
Saturday, June 06, 2009

sometimes, maybe just sometimes. i feel like i want to give up on everything that i have in this world, and return to zero. because sometimes i myself do not know who i really am anymore. i am both sides of the coin, two faces of the mirror - is this how i am supposed to be? how can i be so responsible at times and at others, i just drop everything and not give a damn about the way things are. how can i be so materialistic at times, but also need nothing in the world to keep me going. it's a mystery even to me because i'm so flexible with the way i am, with who i'm supposed to be.

some people call it adaptability, and i can understand where they're coming from. but i don't know who i am anymore. is it ok if i be both at the same time, or do i really have to be one character only. it's amazing what kind of random feelings you can have about yourself. and i'm wondering if this whole random bout is actually a period of self-doubt.

i love the nightlife, and the only full-time day job i want to have is to be a performer, an artiste. and for all you adults out there who have lofty aspirations for me, unfortunately for you, the last thing that i want to be is a lawyer, doctor, or anything that has me cooped up in a building from 9-5/ not happy? too bad because i don't give a damn about what you think i should be. i've had enough bothering about what people expect from me. the only rules i'll live by are my own.

and so what if my rules are full of havoc. i will go to ladies night without fail on wednesdays. i will not eat unless i feel like it, or remember to do so. i will sleep only when i have time to. i will keep myself busy at all times even at the expense of myself. SO WHAT. no one f- cares. mother says "go do what you want to do". the father, is MIA. the father's side thinks i'm an english-speaking arrogant ass. the mother's side thinks i should be a super high flying *insert typical 9-5, high-paying job here*. so much for actually CARING.

truthfully, i don't feel that there's anyone in my life right now who really really, sincerely and heartfeelingly cares for me. yes, there are those who SAY they care. there are those who TRY TO SHOW they care. but they are always short of something. people who care for me don't support my ideals. people who support my ideals don't really care for me. wts. really, God, is there no person who will do both at the same time, other than you because you are not counted because you are not a human being, you are God.

and coming to the God issue. sighs. where do i start. i've lost all the love that i have for God. totally and entirely lost it. but if you are a christian and you are reading, just be glad that i am trying all means and ways to get that love back. i attend cellgroup, service, bible study - sometimes i learn something and apply it, sometimes i'm skeptical about what is being preached. i'm sorry, i'm not perfect.

i wish i was back in 2006 and not fall in love with a certain person. then maybe i would still be serving God wholeheartedly, be having good grades and a great man as my boyfriend now. unfortunately, i made a wrong choice then and am regretting it now. again, i'm going to be fully honest because i don't really care what you think anymore. i finally see what people have been telling me all these years, it really wasn't worth it giving so many years of my life to that one person because i realized that he never really loved me. he said he did, but that was all bull. seriously. don't come and tell me "i did love you back then" because i won't believe a single word. on what basis am i saying this - by the way you treated me and the way you are treating her.

but that's over and done with.

ohgoshwhattheshit. there's just so much more that i want to say. some people call it reasons. others call it excuses. but i don't care what anyone thinks anymore because it's my life. Viva La Vida, long live life!

it was the wicked and wild wind
blew down the doors to let me in
shattered windows and the sound of drums
people couldn't believe what i'd become.

after all that ranting, you probably have one question in mind, or maybe many. but my answer to all your questions is that it's not that i don't care, i just want to see where the wind takes me. i've had enough of carefully planning what to do next or what step i'm going to take. i just want to live life day to day, in the wind. of course i still have my long term goals - being a singer, having my own fashion label, jewelry label, going to the grammys, the golden horse awards and what not. i've got dreams that are bigger than me. to be a philanthropist, do charity, sponsor education, materials, toys. build houses, orphanages, schools, libraries, wells, irrigation systems etc. - all over Asia and Africa. i want to not only travel the world, but also to touch it.

ohwhathighandcrazydreamsyouhave, SO WHAT! i know i'll do it one day in my own special way. the world will not go down without me making a difference first.

i have big dreams, and no supporters. but all the more, i want to push through that brick wall. because it's determination that breaks it down in the end. i believe in myself and a God above (who will do something even though i don't love him as much as before).