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THE BLOG! :) obviously, but also to a world of wonders and mysteries
that are to be unraveled because that's precisely what SHE (or rather
me,) is all about. if you know me, welcome to another side of me.
but if you don't know me, it's okay. i still welcome you into a world of me
and what happens. i'm not anywhere near perfect, but here is where
i share my experiences and learnings. hope you'll be blessed reading
my entries!
LOVE YOU!
Saturday, June 20, 2009

if there has to be a word to describe what I'm going through now, it's just the simple phrase, confused. utter confusion in everything. I know where I should be going. I know where I want to go. I know what my end point should be. but I'm confused as to what the next step of mine should be. I'm confused and question if the path that I follow now is really the one that I want. and the best part is that no one but myself can answer these questions. so how then should I solve this dilemma. somethings that are happening now, I know is wrong and I shouldn't be doing, but these are the things in life that I enjoy. then there are the things that I supposedly must do but am not sure if I really believe in what I'm doing, but continue doing so because I'm still trying to find some sort of conviction in. then there are the things i don't want to do but end up doing because I can't say no to people in need.

talked to korie a while ago and realized that helping everybody around me but have forgotten about myself. right. something that I myself have known all this while but never really wanted to look up to because it's always easier to help others who are in pain instead of focusing on my own pain. I don't know what's the next step I should take even though I know what's the next thing I should do.

sometimes I feel like a forgotten entity because I'm like a classic timeless piece of art that is reatively unknown and nobody remembers this beautiful piece of art because they don't look for it. forgotten, that's the word. I do so many things that I detest just to help others but in the end i'm forgotten and left aside when I'm not needed.

maybe that's why he appeals to me. he holds me in his hand and tells me how beautiful I am despite my incessent protests that I'm fat. he looks at me as if I'm the only other person in the world next to him and then holds my hand tight as if he will not leave me. but alas, we both do not want to commit to each other because we both have issues. but I like this kind of relationship that we have. non-committal but fulfills both our emotional needs. and it's a comforting thing.

yes, you probably are thinking, what emotional needs, you seem fine to me. well, on the outside, that's what you see - me who is always so bubbly and happy, I like to be that way, my problem free mentality. but obviously all of us have our little secret selves who is different from the one that people see. the weaker side of our being, maybe even the evil twin. idk. what do you think.

I'm still desperately looking for an answer - one of the reasons why I'm still in church though I don't feel as convicted as before. I'm looking at all possiblities to find an answer. but have yet to find one.