wow. :) sure feels like a long time since i blogged. i used to do it every single day without fail, and even multiple times on somedays. but recently, i've really been super busy with not only studies and fundraisers, but also with spending more time with family and friends. i'm learning more about sacrifice and giving more of myself to other people. i admit that i still have a really super long way to go because there's so much more that can be learnt, and i'm just at the beginning of the journey.

today had service with a really powerful preacher. it's the first time that he's come to singapore, and to our church as well, but his message was just AWESOME. mind blowing. and for the first time in a long long long while, i finally saw the light again - and cried tears of repentance and joy. all this time, i've been stuck in "scamdalon" and haven't been able to come out of it because of one thing - i was unable to forgive myself for all the wrong decisions and actions that i have made. and it came to a point of time where, i really didn't know what to do but kill myself inside, every single day.

many of the things that i couldn't forgive myself about was with regards to that person. if you've read my older posts, you'll know that i've really done a lot of things for him and betrayed myself over and over again for the "love" that was never really appreciated by the other party. but that's over and i'm in the process of totally forgiving him. but to completely forgive him, i had to forgive myself. and today, i did. i walked out of that expo hall feeling lighter than my 59kg. HAHAS. :) it felt like a burden was lifted from my shoulders.

i know that from time to time, i will start blaming myself again. it's my nature, i know. but next time that feeling comes, i can tell myself - I AM FORGIVEN BY GOD & THEREFORE, I CAN FORGIVE MYSELF. :) oh, that power of knowing such a fact makes me feel that i can move on so much easier now. i may not be able to face many things and people at this moment of time, but i know that time heals all, and more importantly, God heals all.

he once told me there was one thing he envied about me - the fact that i had God. but at that point of time, i never really believed him because i myself couldn't believe in God. now, if he told me the same thing, my reply would be "yeah, you're totally right." with a wide smile because i can finally feel how true it is. life with God, is going to be awesomest!

oh, and i promised korie that after my exams, i'll send in a ministry application. :) yes, finally i'm ready to get into ministry again. the last time i was in ministry was a really long time ago. and i miss the days where i was leading the youth ministry as well as the worship team. do i want to go back to those days? yes. not because of the things that i was doing but because it is a joy to be giving to the congregation, to the church - aka, the people around you. i'm doing it outside the four walls of the church, so why not in the church as well.

but of course, there's a lot in the flesh that's holding me back, but, i know that i'll breakthrough. somehow, someway, someday. :P sooner than later of course. like i'll have to give up the little time that i have for myself on weekends. i'll probably have to give up some family time and stuff like that. but in the end, i know that it'll be worth it.

on a more emotional and personal note, it's been a few weeks, and i haven't seen the australian flag on my board for a while. sometimes, i'm relived, sometimes, i'm disappointed. and sometimes i just wonder, have i lost a friend? but time will take it course, and i know that the friendship will heal in time to come. and i'm not in a hurry to do anything because i feel that, we both need a break. i don't want to bring feelings that are not right into the friendship again because it'll just hurt the whole equation.

on a more informative note, it's been a busy week that just flew past. silently, we've entered the 5th month of the year(!) and it's almost the end of my first year in university. thursday night's night cycling was, well, fun because my team was great, but disappointing because, it wasn't exactly what my brother and i pictured it to be. but ohwell. the most important thing was that we had fun. friday was mingles night out again, but it was quite quiet because not many people turned up. in the end, i went to orchard to fellowship with santy, julius and korie. saturday was good with cellgroup and fellowship with sylvia and karen later on. today, a great church service, lunch and fellowship! :D