a bit of sudden emo-ness/ do forgive the post. and if you don't like it, you can choose not to read it or just leave. there's a link on the side to leave this blog. :)

was watching my friend, vk's dance performance dvd and came across this particular dance that was somewhat disturbing, but at the same time, the lyrics of the song just hit some heartstrings in me. because, i'm not bulletproof - and even though you don't see it, just like you, i too will cry and feel the pain of many things, but i just don't show them because they are a sign of weakness to certain people, and i don't show weakness unless i know i can trust you.

the last two to three weeks, i suddenly realize how fragile i am. yeah, i haven't blogged about these because so many things have been happening to the people around me and i'm just so overwhelmed helping here and there and everywhere else that i tell myself "quelyn, there's no time for you to think about yourself and these feelings right now" - because i have to be strong for others. because i have to protect others. because i have to be there for them. because i have to show that i really want certain things to be happening.

but people still ignore me and take my presence for granted, as if i am supposed to be there, as if it's a duty for me to be there. but they don't know the pain that i struggle with. right, it's still partly my fault because i don't say it out loud. but it has become a kind of habit for me to keep on protecting others and ignoring myself - not exactly the wisest decision that i have made in my entire life.

and recently, i let someone who left come back into my life. although i've allowed it, i'm still somewhat apprehensive about it. it's not that i don't want this friendship or anything of that sort, but there are just some hurts that a "sorry" doesn't always cure. of course i've accepted it, but you still have a lot to prove to me - i hope you're reading this blog because if you aren't, these are things that i won't speak to you about because i know that we'll have an argument about it and we'll be back to square one. honestly, exactly will never be exactly, and it's a word that i never use to speak about the past and future. you once told me to never say "forever", i'm telling you never to say "exactly".

even if it hurts you, i'd rather be honest and say that there's still a part of me that doubts you because of the way you left. it still haunts me that you could have done something i would consider heartless - according to my standards of friendship. but you probably thought that it was right, and i will never understand your kind of mentality. and i will again be honest and say that in my mind, i've got some really negative impressions of you, formed because of what you did, and you have to prove to me that those impressions are wrong.



yes, i am strong on the outside because i know that i have to be. because i want to be the friend that is there for you in your dire times of need. because i want to be the friend who will always be there to lend you a shoulder when you cry, a listening ear when you are troubled, a place of rest and solace where you know you can get drunk and i'll always be there to make sure you make it back safely.

but i too have feelings, i'm not bulletproof.