<body><script type="text/javascript"> function setAttributeOnload(object, attribute, val) { if(window.addEventListener) { window.addEventListener('load', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }, false); } else { window.attachEvent('onload', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }); } } </script> <div id="navbar-iframe-container"></div> <script type="text/javascript" src="https://apis.google.com/js/platform.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript"> gapi.load("gapi.iframes:gapi.iframes.style.bubble", function() { if (gapi.iframes && gapi.iframes.getContext) { gapi.iframes.getContext().openChild({ url: 'https://www.blogger.com/navbar/26219127?origin\x3dhttp://danceoftherainbowfairies.blogspot.com', where: document.getElementById("navbar-iframe-container"), id: "navbar-iframe" }); } }); </script>
THE BLOG! :) obviously, but also to a world of wonders and mysteries
that are to be unraveled because that's precisely what SHE (or rather
me,) is all about. if you know me, welcome to another side of me.
but if you don't know me, it's okay. i still welcome you into a world of me
and what happens. i'm not anywhere near perfect, but here is where
i share my experiences and learnings. hope you'll be blessed reading
my entries!
LOVE YOU!
Saturday, May 30, 2009

if i could measure the way things have all gone wrong, it would probably be at about 98% right now and i'm on the verge of letting go, giving up and having a major breakdown. but i know i cannot because there are people who look up to me, people whom i have to lead by example to. why does it always end up this way? my patience is running low. my motivation and morale is not getting up either because of everything that has happened.

anyone who know me knows that i love the PVC project to bits because it's taught me so much. but, it's also taught me how much people take me for granted - and there's always a limit to everything and in this case, i've gone over that limit by at least triple of what i normally can cope with. but no one seems to appreciate it. and in the end, i think that i'm just letting it go. i'm glad that this journey is coming to an end, and i feel that no matter what people think about me right now, i can safely say that i've already given my 500%, given up so many other opportunities that it has no longer become a win-win situation. i've learnt alot, but i've also lost a lot, in fact, i've lost too much.

the other day, i suddenly realize why i love clubbing so much. i used to think that it was about the attention that i get when i'm out there in the club. then i used to think that it was because of the way i could get drunk and forget about everything else in the world. but now i realize that it's not both. the club is a form of escape. an escape from the world where i am the eldest, where i am the responsible and dependable and strong. because when i club, i step into a world where everything is just so fickle and frivolous. i don't have to be strong, i don't have to be responsible, i can just be me and have fun - even if just for that few hours.

but i realized that the strong front i put up day to day has got everyone believing that i'm really that strong. please. i'm independent, but that doesn't mean that i don't want someone to hold me when i cry, to assure me when everything is going wrong. no one in my life has ever done that for me because they all think that i don't need them. i'm tempted to type a long string of expletives here, but it wouldn't be right to desecrate my blog as such. argh. this is not narcissism - i was on the bus just now and i realized how much i have not been taking care of myself, physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally. i keep giving and giving and giving even more - time, effort, energy, money, but i fail to look after the legs that i need to dance with, i fail to strengthen my spiritual life, i fail to let out all the bottled emotions.

ohgosh. i could lament about everything for the next few million hours. but i won't because there's just so many things that other just don't need to know right now. yes, this is my attitude towards life. if you have a problem, just come to me and i will listen to you. but if i have a problem, i shut the world away from my problems and just take on even more things while i silently try to solve these problems.

why do you do that? you may ask. because i've seen enough of how much the human heart can take. maybe it's because when i was down and out a few years ago, no one could understand my feelings. "don't cry" they said, "he's not worth crying for". sure, i agree that the tears weren't worth it for him, but why couldn't you just let me cry? it might not have been for him. i realize that i was actually taking that opportunity to let out every single tear that i wanted to for the last probably 17 years of my life.

i know people envy me. they envy the family that i have, they envy the friends that i have, they envy the material possessions that surround me. but don't they know that this is all a front to cover my frail self? i use what i have to make me a more confident person. i take up more responsibilities to make myself a more useful person. that's because i want to change for the better, i want to be more positive. but people don't know the truth.

i want to be strong, but at the same time weak. how does one strike such a balance? i'm always there for people, but when i'm falling, who's there to catch me?

i don't have any answers. and i don't want any answers right now.