another fulfilling week passed by! :) i think this blog will probably be updated on a weekly basis until further notice, but once a week is a good number i think because this holidays is going to be busy busy! something i've been bother about (and have blogged about countless of times) is finally settled, for good. i had a great week behind me, and learnt a few painful lessons in the process i guess, about not only myself, my spiritual life but also about just life and how i should be living it the way i should be. i'm not really those "holier than thou" kind of people - if you know me, you'll know how true that is, but along the way, you do learn lessons about how to live a better life.

i need to say this totally loudly - I'M FINALLY BACK HOME!! :)) although i am quite sad that i'm no longer living in hall, i think home is still the most comfy place where i can be in. nothing beats the feeling of home, even though it's mostly empty (as in devoid of human presence). and i moved everything from hall back home in 40bags. woots. :) so next year when i move back into hall, i will be able to start afresh, away from that room of old memories that i am still deciding upon. next year, i'll be back with a vengeance because there will be huger responsibilities placed on my shoulders, not just in hall, but also in my walk with God because i'm joining a ministry! :D starting out with something a little easier, Attributes. quite excited to start serving even though i don't know when i'll start, but it's definitely a breakthrough in my walk with God.

monday was spent at home, packing and packing. plus, i went for a job interview, but i don't think i'll get the job because i have a feeling the interviewers thought that i was not hardy enough for the job. :(( so far, finding one has not been really successful because i've sent out at least a hundred applications to different companies, but i only had one reply so far. but i think that day was well spent because after the interview, i decided to take a bus down to velocity @ novena to meet my mum for dinner. i had about an hour and a half to kill, so i checked out the shopping center. even though it's been there for like about close to two years, i haven't really gone to see that place. lols. had a great dinner with my mummy on the official first day back home.

tuesday was spent lazing away and packing. i miss the feeling of lazing at home, but i don't miss it alot, as contradictory as it may seem. and it kind of makes me have this happy little feeling because there's these spare hours for myself where i can just laze away with a drama playing on the television and most of the time, i end up sleeping! hahas. gave my wardrobes a new look by repacking them, and today is sunday, but it's not done yet because i realize that i don't have enough space for all the clothes. not that i'm still complaining that i don't have clothes, but, they are a woman's way of expressing herself. :)

wednesday was spent, still packing, but with an extra night activity - LADIES NIGHT! finally, after so long. the last time i went clubbing was way back in february, but it took a backseat to studies and stuff. went with QiaoQiao and her friend Jean, and unexpectedly met my BEEK! :D Phutured, Arenaed, Atticaed. saw a cute bartender at Attica, but his service was real slow because there were so many people at the bar!

thursday was mostly used to catch up with sleep and some more additional packing (40bags is really no joke). took some time off the schedule to have BS and fellowship with OMC and geraldine. and then off to ButterFactory! haven't been to butterfac since it opened its doors at onefullerton, so it was quite an experience and i felt like a novice there. but i think the music was really good! went with QiaoQiao, Jean, and the new addition, WINSON! :) unexpectedly met elbert and paul, along with their friends nan and alvin. and i had one rocking time partying the night away.

friday passed really quickly, but had a great time with my family. mum took leave and we went out for lunch. then went shopping! :) i got a new pink drum bag and pink sports bra for my upcoming marathon season! my reason for getting that pink drum bag was that it would be easier to find it, especially at the bag deposit. :P and then we went to buy stuff at the supermarket and we cooked dinner together! fried wanton and udon with meatballs, mushroom and bamboo shoot soup. whoo. it was a really great time!

saturday and sunday really melted together because i haven't slept since i woke up on saturday morning (it's currently 4.30am, sunday morning). woke at about 10am and caught some television (digimon and something else that the brother was watching. lols.) before heading off to cellgroup at brother joe's house. bought a whole box of robitussin (however that's spelt) because i've been having this really bad throat thingy going on since friday, and it's getting slightly better, but it's still painful, especially in the ear when i swallow my saliva. RAR! cellgroup was awesomest because of the message and then after that, N415 had a BBQ! didn't eat much cause i couldn't swallow anything proper. played some games too and we lingered at the place will 11pm where we got chased away by the guards. :P after that, headed off to more fellowship at somerset with karen, lester and clarence. met with JOYJOY!! :D SANTY! VINCENT! hahas. exclamation marks are the new commas, as well as Judy, Aaron and Keith. :)) woohooo. sent santy home and cabbed home with joyjoy clarence and aaron.

and now that i'm home, i don't think i'm going to fall asleep because i won't wake up in time! lols. but rather, i pondered on a question that has been bothering me somewhat the last few days. i'm not afraid to blog it because i consider it a passed phase of my life, never to be resurrected again. and also because i feel that there are other people out there who should know about this too, because it may just help them get through a tough period of their life. :) i used to change boyfriends as fast as i changed my clothes - they were relationships that mostly revolved around movies, dinners and random walks around the city, and i ended most of them really fast because they were not really what i wanted, because i got bored, or simply because they didn't live up to my standards. but one day, i questioned myself, why do i do this? and i realized that it all came down to one person whom i met three years ago - and every guy who came around just didn't match up to him.

so, i decided to confront that person straight up, and when i did in all truth and honesty, i guess he wasn't man enough to take the truth and he started pushing the blame on me. i guess that the blame game is something that none of us, as Man, can ever play fairly because we will mostly think that we are the party who is right and that the other party should be at fault. i don't blame him for doing such a thing, but through that process, that person really hurt whatever feelings of love and friendship that i had for him. it just totally killed because when friends are honest, it means they care about you and about your relationship with them. but my words of truth were seen as words that were meant to hurt, words that were meant to blame, and words that "sound nothing like a friend". then in that case, i'm sorry, no matter how much i treasure and value that friendship, i see that you don't treasure nor value it as much as i do because you simply cannot take the truth.

and i learnt that if we were really friends, he would want to clear any misunderstandings i had of him and his friendship. but when a person doesn't even bother to make things clear to evoke a change in the status quo, then he simply just doesn't care enough to want the friendship to work.

i also learnt that people can say things and promise you wonders, but sometimes they just can't keep it. he said "i want to be your friend", and "i want things to go back to normal", but he cut me off from his FB list, his MSN list and every other way that we could keep in contact - and i honestly don't understand how that shows me that he wanted to be friends nor did i see how that would help in bringing things back to normal. even if we did go over our heads, i don't think that such extremes needed to be taken because it just shows how much you really want to keep the friendship - or maybe, that's just my definition of friendship where if i want to be friends with a person, i keep all channels of communication wide open, not close them. maybe that's how you treat your friends, but not me because my beliefs are different. he probably just needs to learn the art of communication - something that he doesn't want to do.

i would say that i will not keep this friendship, not because i don't want him as a friend, but because i feel that it's really not worth me putting so much more time and effort than he is to maintain the relationship. i feel that it's not worth to sacrifice more than i have to someone who doesn't value what i am giving to the friendship. everything that i've said, everything that i've done has been taken for granted. three years and one line "i've dropped everything because we've both gone over our heads" to seal the deal on why he cut all contact. and his condition for getting this friendship back - that everything go back to EXACTLY how it was before., which is impossible because nothing on this earth, once changed, can ever go back to what it was within one process. in fact, nothing can ever go back to its original state because that's just how God made everything to be, if something changes, it grows and matures to become something else and can never go back to its origins.

and i will honestly say that i'm very proud that i made this decision because it's one of the wisest that i have ever made in my whole life. i used to think that i loved a person who loved me for who i am, but i realized that i was loving a person who wanted someone who didn't have a personality. i'm sorry dear, but that's what i'm seeing because you never really loved me for who i am, but rather you loved me for who i could become under you shaping.

to him whom it may concern:
so, all in all, i consider this problematic issue a close by saying that, it's not that i don't want your friendship, but i don't think it's really worth it anymore because it would just be too much for the both of us. i really love your company and you really are already like family to me. but if getting the friendship back makes you force yourself to do things that you don't want to, i'd rather we don't have the friendship so that you won't be in so much pain doing what you don't like doing. another reason why i don't feel it's worth it anymore is because i feel that you don't listen nor see before you judge. i'm not blaming you for everything and yet you make it seem as if i'm trying to make you take all the blame. i've said before that neither of us are at fault because it was just our different belief systems that clashed, but you insist that you want to take all the blame if i want you to - you simply don't listen. you keep judging me on what you remembered from three years ago - you simply don't see with your eyes, and your heart. the only way we can ever be friends again is if we start all over again. not as strangers, but at a status quo where we will both open our eyes and ears to see and hear with our senses and our hearts as well, if not, i think that there's nothing much to talk about.

aside: i was really tempted to go to either extremes, total acceptance of his "offer" or total rejection of it. but i decided to come up with a third option, the middle ground where we are still friends, but we start from somewhere else, as new friends - because i think that by restarting the friendship on a blank new page is just what we need because there have been so many misunderstanding that are not cleared, so might as well forget and forgive and start afresh. but if you cannot accept this idea, then i'm really sorry because there is NO FREAKIN WAY ANYTHING CAN GO BACK TO EXACTLY AS IT WAS.