to you: you might not want to read this, because i know it may hurt you, it may disappoint you, it may make you angry. read at your own caution. and know that i'm not doubting you. i just wanted to be honest and say the things i've never said. emotional they may be, but that's the state of my heart right now. i love you, but, honestly it hurts to love you at times.

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2.30am and all alone in the production room - crying...

when i'm supposed to be editing my film. when i'm supposed to be doing other things. but the silence and the spanish song playing in the background, it brings emotions that only the night can bring. no, i don't understand spanish, but i've enough knowledge to translate the song somewhat and it sings of the words that i dare not speak to you.

honestly, i keep asking myself, who am i living for?

almost a quarter of 2009 has passed and i can very assuredly say that i've been living it meaningfully - more so than i ever have in the last 19years of my life because... i've committed to a cause of mentoring and empowering youths ... i've committed to raising 10k for diabetic children with Youth Factory ... i've committed myself to training up for marathon season ... i've scripted, directed and am editing a short film ... and most of all, i reconnected with you.

but somewhere along the way, i just lost myself.
i realize that i'm lying to myself.
i realize i'm empty inside again.

i really don't care who reads, i just want to be honest again - with you, and more importantly, with myself.

i've seen how easily i can lose myself when i'm with you because your every word and action is so important to me. you make me do things, reconsider things, say things, feel things that i've never wanted to or have never felt before. some that literally bring me onto cloudnine and some that just throw me into the pits of hell - how can one person do all that to me. and then i came to the revelation that when it comes to you, i foolishly and unreservedly give my everything, unconditionally. big words that mean a lot, but it's the truth because as i sit here, i run through everything that i've done for you and came to that realization. it's what pushed you away from me three years ago, but it's what draws you towards me now.

ironically, it never stopped me from being who i am. it never stopped me from changing into the person that i want to be - in fact sometimes, you were the one who pushed me to be a better me. it's just that there are moments when i give up who i am for a little while because i want to make things with you work out even though at the end of the day, i'm still thinking and considering if it's really worth it.

the last few days, my insides have been screaming and you don't see it cause you're so far away and because i don't blog it. it irritates me that the only way of really getting my thoughts is through this blog. it saddens me that whenever i see you online, we only get a few lines across to each other, never a real conversation on how you're doing and how your life is going. it irks myself that i don't know what the hell is going on in your life and what you're going through. that short message about going through a rough patch in your life - which is probably over already - has not been lengthened and i still don't know about it.

i hate this space that we're in right now because it feels like we're on different pages. and i cry about it because i ask myself and question my own love for you. how can i say i love you if i don't even know the most basic things you're going through. and it hurts because you don't even try to share. write me a long email, text me a long message, send me a long thread on fb - and i'd read every single word you say twice or thrice, just to understand what you're going through and see how i can support you. but you don't even give me the chance to do it, as a best friend, as someone who loves you.

as lovers, i understand that we're looking out into different futures already because you have her, and right now, i'm not asking for anything more. but as friends, can't we look into the same future? or would it be too greedy to even ask for that?

sometimes, i honestly don't understand your love anymore.

when it comes to anything concerning you, i feel like a blind person reaching out and not knowing where to go or what to do. when i reach out, i don't know who i will be touching or who will be holding my hands. when i do things, i hold myself back because i know there's another her. honestly, i'm very happy when you say that when it's me and you, it's just the two of us. but somewhere at the back of my mind, i'm still going to be thinking about her because it's a fact that she exists. it doesn't make me love you any lesser, it just stops me from giving even more than i already am. because i know there's another her. because i know one day my heart might just break again because you proposed to her. it's like knowing what's going to happen, yet doing things that will eventually hurt me, but doing damage control at the same time.

my mind can't keep up these defences for long. and my heart will one day just go crazy feeling all the emotions i feel now. you don't know how much love and care i want to shower on you but am unable to because of so many reasons.

i thought i took my heart back already.
but i was wrong because it never left your side.
only, neither of us knew that till this year.

& no, no intentes disculparte
because there's no need to.

so many things i've left unsaid, undone. because i cannot express myself through this medium. but when i talk to you, when i'm with you, i don't bring that up because i want to enjoy what little time i have with you. why say unhappy things in the little time that it's just our world.

i don't want to fight with her for your attention because i'm not entitled to it. but it also entails a lot of pain and hurt on my side because i know the plans you have in your head for a future with her. yet against all odds, i'm sticking to my decision to wait on. i hate this conflicting part. i really do. because every second that you are on my mind, i need to shoot myself in the heart and remind myself that there's a chance that nothing will ever happen.

"no se puede dedicar el alma a acumular intentos" - that's what i tell myself. but that's exactly what i'm doing. and it makes me feel like a weakling because i can't control my love when it comes to you.

sometimes i wish you'd reach out to me, hold me and tell me things will be ok. because one day we'll both work out something that will make whatever realationship we have now last. but another part of me keeps nagging in my head, asking, do we really have a relationship, a friendship for that matter. friends talk. friends know. friends encourage. friends support. i know and do neither of the things i mentioned. and every minute i cry inside until i cannot take it any longer and overflows into physical tears that i want you to wipe away. but you never do.

i know you've said it many times not to doubt you. and you can say that now, but after a long time has passed and you settle down, marry and have kids with someone else, i'll probably just become someone you used to know. and you know what's the best part? i'll still love you, even if i've settled down with someone else.

la esperanza que me da tu amor, no me la dió más nadie, te juro, no miento

it's been more than a month since you've left. the nights, they get emptier and emptier, longer and longer without you in them. but i continue telling myself that i have to be strong because of all the things happening around me, because of all the responsibilities that i have. i'm no longer in J2 and i can no longer think of only myself. but i'd give anything just to know what the future holds for us. because that's what is constantly on my mind. that's what's constantly bothering me. that's what i'm constantly questioning myself about.

4.13am and i think i'm almost done with saying everything i wanted to. there are people in my life who don't know you, don't know you're name, don't know where you are from. but they know a lie about your status with me - and that lie is what keeps me going because it gives me an outlet to think about a future with you. pathetic don't you think? i think so too. that i have to resort to lying to myself so that i can keep the hope alive. and tears fall because of it too.

i don't know how much longer i can be this strong. i don't know how much longer i can keep a lie up to fool myself - just to keep a hope lighted in me. i don't know how much more hurt and tears i can take. i miss you. truckloads. even though the pain is also that much to bear, and the silence and lonliness even more. but i'm willing to fight to the end, or die trying. i love you because i know you're worth it and i'd give anything to see your smile. i'd exchange my smiles for your hurts and tears. but i honestly don't know how much longer i can keep it up. because i know that i'm dying a little each day. but i said, i'll die trying - even if eventually my heart dies and i never believe in love ever again, at least i'll know that i once loved you with everything that i've got.

it's been a long post. and i hope you've not been burdened. i hope you're not angry. i hope you're not disappointed. but i know there's a possibility of you feeling a mix of all the above. you wanted the truth, and here it is in all honesty.

my last bit of honesty, i am SOMETIMES tempted to tell you - voy a pedirte que no vuelvas más. siento que me dueles todavía aquí, adentro. y que a tu edad sepas bien lo que es, romperle el corazón a alguien así. but more often than not, when that comes up, it's my love for you that forgives and forgets everything hurtful. i don't love you any less that the day i fell for you. i don't love you any less than she does. and i don't miss you any less than the day that you left so many years back.

but i force myself to turn all that into friendship, and that's what hurts the most. jason marz was somewhat right yet wrong about loving your best friend.

4.41am and i'm signing off to head back to my room to sleep. this is the longest stretch of time that i've cried since you left in february. how much i miss you and love you, i hope you see. and i hope it won't be a burden to you. i don't want you running away from me again cause that will hurt me more than anything happening now.

one last last note - love story touched my heart
cause it sings of my deepest wish.