mm. one last post for today before i head off to bed. yesterday i messaged korie, "i think i can finally say that i rly let go already." and it was after a long, hard battle with many other people who were talking to me, and of course, myself, that i came to that conclusion. truthfully, i really thank God for people like Xav, Alv, korie and the other guys who messaged me today. really brightened up my day and took my mind off what i shouldn't be thinking of, what i shouldn't be regretting.

about slightly less than a week ago, i was literally killing myself - no sleep. no food. continuous work. - and i admitted to all the people who asked me about it, i was escaping from some issues that i didn't want to think about. to the other person in question, all my feelings and thoughts are, well, non-existent to say the least. i know he's going to get angry when he reads some of the things that i'm going to say, and i really don't care already. if that's the way friendship is to you, then whenever we meet up again, we'll just pick off from when you last left. everything in the middle, is not that important, or at least that's what your reasoning tells me.

but really, whatever. i'm not going to be greedy anymore, wanting your attention. if i need attention, i'll get it from elsewhere. at the end of the post, all i want from you is that friendship that you talked about, the kind where we don't need to contact for the time when we're apart and when we meet again, we pick off from there. and that's what it'll be to me because you know about my life through this blog, yet i know nothing about how you are living yours.

i used to love a guy, so deeply that i gave up everything for him - literally. religion, emotions, sanity, logic. i thought that as long as i had him, everything would be alright - and i was willing to spend the rest of my life with him. but i ended up losing a few years of my life and a few good men as well. i don't regret loving him and giving what i gave to him because when i did, i was in 7th heaven - i thought, as long as he likes it, i'll be happy. as long as he's happy, i'll be alright - and that was what love was to me. but it wasn't to be so.

all these years, i stood at the same spot, waiting for him to come back. i loved him with everything i had and was reluctant to live my own life. but slowly as the years went by, i also began to pick up more meaningful things in life, such as volunteer work and dance - but i never gave everything to them because there was always this part of me that was left with him. and now, i finally see how stupid i was to wait for so long.

i used to think that everything would be alright if i waited for him. it was okay if he went out and had relationships with other girls. i used to think that it would be okay because if i waited long enough, he would come back to be by my side. and for the longest time, i kept that promise that i made more than three years ago. but i guess he didn't understand that promise. maybe because i said those words too many times and it became worthless. or maybe it was those emotions in me that had become worthless because he didn't treasure them - but that's not important because this post is not about going into who was right and who was wrong. because we were both right, and wrong. there's no one to blame except the both of us - end of story.

i promised that i would wait for him to return. but i finally figured that if i really want to move on with life, and not just say that i have, i need to break that promise and really move all my emotions and thoughts away from him and into more meaningful things and maybe someone else who deserves it more than he does already. i'm not going to say sorry because i've kept that promise for three years already, ruined parts of my life because of it and lost so many things, from friends, to opportunities because of that promise. i gave it my all, and i'm not guilty that i'm breaking it. you don't treasure it anyway, so you don't lose out on anything.

all these thoughts and reflections came out because of three people. firstly sam who told me "girl, you need to have some SELF-RESPECT." - and f. i think it's so true. when i first fell in love with him, i threw away everything including self-respect. gave him everything that he wanted, even when we were not together anymore. my self-respect was gone, totally. and now, i'm taking it back. i'm not going to grovel around waiting for him. i'm a beautiful, confident, extremely sexy woman - why should i wait for someone who doesn't totally appreciate me as i am.

secondly, it was Ming - the quietest guy i've met in my entire life who said the wisest thing i have ever heard. "you need someone to LIVE life with you, someone who will EMBRACE both your worlds with you and that's all you'll ever need for happiness because happiness is about sharing your life with someone else." why am i not happy? why have i been arguing with you so frequently? didn't you realize that it was all because i wanted you to share your life with me, but you didn't think it was necessary. so i came to the conclusion, why should i wait for someone whom i don't know anymore. everything that i know about you is what, three years old. and the "latest" information is almost two months old. i refuse to wait for someone who cannot share his life with me anymore - something i knew very long ago but was overly hopeful about. i'd rather share my life with someone who's willing to share his with me, and we'll take on life's ups and downs together - that's what happiness would be like, sharing my life with someone who actually cares and not just says that he does.

thirdly, really thanks to Mark who told me "it's not worth waiting at point A for someone who'll neglect you for months and take for granted that when you come back, everything will fall back into place like the months that had past did not happen. that's not a person you'd want to wait for to get into a relationship because he'll continuously take for granted that you'll be right there waiting for him again everytime he comes back and needs someone else." - shit you clubber boy. i never thought that you would say something so wise. and yes, it's true. he also said that these type of friends are those that we can never have a deep relationship with, no matter how much we want to. because relationships are based on trust and more importantly, communication. at the most, these type of friends are those that we meet once every few years and do some superficial catching up with, have fun and make a few more memories, and then, say goodbye to - Mark, you've officially upped your status from playboy to philosopher. hahas.

at the end of the day, i won't say that you mean nothing to me. i'd just say, goodbye lover, hello friend. that's it. because i realize it's no use waiting anymore. those words that you said to me in your emails, and whatever else, i read through all of them again - and cried, i told myself for the last time. no more tears because of you. we cry only when someone we love deeply hurts us. i want to love you, but not deep enough that you can hurt me again. and anyway, this is probably what you'd have wanted, so that in the future when we meet again, you don't have to feel any form of guilt or whatever. put all the reasons my friends gave to me, and it gave me a logical, reasonable conclusion. and if you think i'm a tattletale, don't worry, all the people don't know who you are, don't know your name, don't know where you are. i've kept you anonymous for so long, and i plan to do so forever regarding this particular issue.

and after today, i'll never speak about this again. not because i'm escaping from it, but because i've concluded it - goodbye lover, hello friend. i don't know what you're reaction will be because i've said a lot of things here that you may think i'm wrong about. say what you want about it. i don't promise that i'll reply.

i admit that there are times today that i regret this decision because i want to love you so much. but, if we don't have the basic trust and communication, i figured that we'll never work out - so that's going to be what i'll tell myself whenever i regret letting you go.

but when i'm not regretting, i promise you my friend that i'll be looking towards another future - a brighter one than the one i imagined before.