justification and explanation are two different things but it seems to you that everything i say is to justify myself. and you really never saw the changes i made. you're still saying the same things. i've rarely missed my meals since the start of march. full days of things to do - i told you, it's just the way you look at things. going clubbing - what clubbing? i haven't stepped into a damn club since 14Feb till now - i said i'm going in May, probably just once to celebrate my friend's successful breakup from her controlling boy. and then i'll be working in the days with no energy to club at night anymore. sleeping late, waking up early is the only thing that i haven't changed yet.
you feel so damn tired sharing what you think. and i feel tired being misunderstood after sharing what i feel. on the "judgements" issue, i won't fight with you because i understand where you're coming from - it's just that the both of us have different way dealing with how we try to bring out the potential in other people. you just judge and criticize bluntly without thinking about how the other person feels or thinks, whereas i will still judge, but i bring it to the person through persuasion and suggestion. we all want to help each other and other people grow and fulfill their potential, we just have different ways of doing it, and it's something i'll just have to get used to.
i forsee that the paragraphs above will just be seen as justification and not an explanation, so i made them small - i wanted to delete them, but this is my policy of honesty. if you want to read it, it's still there.
but you know what's the thing that hurts the most...
just carry on your own life
maybe take this chance, as your frustrated, to ditch me out of your life for good.
then there'll be no more fools who don't understand to try and alter your way of life.
how many times must i tell you you're NOT a fool. you keep thinking that you are, why? why put yourself down? it hurts when someone you love thinks so lowly of himself when you treat him so preciously.
i never saw you as someone trying to alter my life. you were always someone who said things that were trying to help me, of course i know. it's just that sometimes we think differently on certain issues and i don't always take your advice word for word. i apply and change as i see fit.
my life was never totally my own after you. it was always you and me.
and the most hurtful one, you said you'd never let go of me and let me leave your life again. and now you're suggesting that i ditch you out of my life for good? so are you saying, if one day i said i'll ditch you, you'll really just let me go? if your answer is yes, then i really won't know how to reply you anymore. because to me, even if one day i give up my feelings for you, i'll still keep you as a close and special friend. that's how important and precious you are to me.
i don't want to say anything anymore. because it seems that the more i say the more you think i'm justifying myself and the more frustrated/angry/helpless/ whatever other feeling you'll get. you're turning 20 in a few hours. just go be happy. i don't want you to be having negative feelings on your birthday.
happy20th. go have fun on your birthday.
