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THE BLOG! :) obviously, but also to a world of wonders and mysteries
that are to be unraveled because that's precisely what SHE (or rather
me,) is all about. if you know me, welcome to another side of me.
but if you don't know me, it's okay. i still welcome you into a world of me
and what happens. i'm not anywhere near perfect, but here is where
i share my experiences and learnings. hope you'll be blessed reading
my entries!
LOVE YOU!
Thursday, April 23, 2009

if there's one thing that i'm proud of myself, it's that i can finally say, i don't love you anymore - not in that way at least. because i'm sick and tired of it. i read some of the mails before that final one and i really have a lot to say because there were some people who told me, "this, this, that, that etc. is what he's going to do and say" and i told them, you must be kidding, he's not that kind of person. but those mails, very sadly, proved them right.

me, scary and cold-hearted? i'm sorry, but this one i have to say something. in all my 19 years of life, no one has ever said that to me. in fact when i tried to be scary or cold-hearted, they laughed at me saying that i really cannot make it. and, i was the one who wrote those posts, so obviously i know what feelings i had when i was writing them, definitely not what you think it was. YOU, think too much. not me. all these years, whatever i've said and i've done, my intentions and motives are all very upfront, but you've been stuck in three years ago. i told you time and again, i'm not that girl anymore, but obviously, your judgement has never changed, and you always think that there's something more to what i'm saying. you kept reading between the lines. and i'm going to stop here because if i continue, i may just say something else that will make you think that i'm scary and cold-hearted and turn you into some frenzy..

yes, i still want to be your friend, but i really think that it's not going to be the same for a while because i finally see that what the people around me have been saying is true and i'm beginning to put those judgements on you, no matter how hard i try not too. but the truth seems so clear that i have no choice but to take them into consideration. remember i said that i learnt that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them a few posts ago - now i'm beginning to see your imperfections already and i know that i'm no longer in love with you. i won't bother explaining because you'll probably take the whole topic somewhere else i don't want to go to. i know what you're thinking right now, so shut that mind of yours up.

maybe you're seeing me as more cold-hearted because now i've become very straightforward - GET OVER IT. that's how i am. if you're my friend, i'm very straightforward with you and i speak my mind very directly without hiding. ask any of my friends, they'll tell you the same thing. but whatever it is, i don't believe i'm saying this back to you - IT'S YOUR PERCEPTION OF THINGS. i can't change that. you have to think about it yourself.

i think i shall stop here because i forsee that a lot of things that i want to say will bring about alot of anger and unhappiness in you - and my predictions are always, 100% true, so don't bother denying that you're not. i shall shut up. but yes, there's no chance in the next few months that out relationship can be the same as before. maybe by the end of the year it'll be better, hopefully.

oh, and about contacting, don't bother. let's do it your way. i want to see exactly how well it works. it goes against all my principles and beliefs but whatever, you think it's right. so let's do it your way. i don't want the clubbing situation to come up again. and i don't want you to one day say that i was trying to force you to do things the way i think it's right.

sighs. contradictions and more.
what a freakin long day.

yesterday's memory, a very quick one cause i'm going to be late for mingles night out!! went to the bar to jam with the band, but found out that they changed the band. :( went to kbox by myself from 10plus till 3am and sang every song that i could think of and at 3am, i still had about 3pages of songs that i hadn't sang yet (didn't know my chinese repertoire had become so big!). while there, drank alot cause there was some beer drinking competition. came in second, but didn't get drunk (hello! it's just beer, 5% of alcohol is totally no kick at all. hmm, even though it was like 5 glasses in about 7mins.) cabbed back to hall, still walking straight, not high at all. :(( and then bathed and went to sleep. of course, because i didn't get drunk nor high, i had to pay back - i was hungover the whole day and couldn't study. sighs. but it was a good memory - first time i went kboxing by myself. damn shuang because you have to keep singing and singing without stopping cause there's no one else. HAHAS. narcissistic self coming up already. and you really sing until you're hoarse. lucky for me, my voicebox is not that weak. :))

ok, that's all for today. GOING TO MAKE TODAY'S MEMORY. :)