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i heard the long dull sound of the ship's horn sounding its presence. and that resounding dullness hits a quiet string in my heart, one that only this night can bring. waking, sleeping and then waking again has been the pattern for tonight. i feel deeply disturbed by the emotions that are in me, but i'm determined to quickly pull myself together. for OneFive, for Youth Factory, for Project Sugar Rush - all under PVC, the most important thing on hand now. Yvon told me, there's no such thing as an unimportant emotion because how i am is how my charges will be. and it's true, it's a photocopy process that happens when you train teenagers like that. and i, i do not want them to photocopy the wrong things from me.

i need to be grounded again. maybe another long crying session is what i really need. and also a listening ear to hear all my stupid, useless rants and unorganized thoughts. i remember in JC, one of the female classmates asked, "is it really that difficult to forget?" - my answer is yes, especially when you've put everything that you've got, every card on your hand, every last bit of effort, and everything that you've ever believed in out on the line. mentally, spiritually, physically ad emotionally, i'm totally broken and scarred. but i believe that what i did was the right thing because i didn't want to have any regrets and think back to myself that maybe i should have done this, or maybe i should have done that.

the past few days have been hectic with BEP. but now that's died down, the clam and the abundance of free time give me alot of space to think about what went through that few days. sometimes i regret it and think that i shouldn't have written that post just because it was something that i did at the spur of an emotional and unstable moment - i let my emotions and female hormones of the month take over my rationality, but i won't make that an excuse.

at the same time, i don't regret because that was what i really felt. and i'm glad i did - because at least now, i am less delusional. i never forgot that you were my boyf and till that day, i never stopped treating you as one, no matter how much i said i've forgotten you, no matter how much you've moved on. but now, i see even more clearly than i did. i don't regret being delusional, because loving one so deeply is an experience. but i'm glad that now i see even clearer than before. and maybe time will bring me to another level of clarity.

but to me, you'll always be that very special first for everything.
you will be the one whom i know always cares
and the one i always look forward to seeing

goodnight.
i pray that sleep comes faster than thoughts
and dreams come slower than waking