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THE BLOG! :) obviously, but also to a world of wonders and mysteries
that are to be unraveled because that's precisely what SHE (or rather
me,) is all about. if you know me, welcome to another side of me.
but if you don't know me, it's okay. i still welcome you into a world of me
and what happens. i'm not anywhere near perfect, but here is where
i share my experiences and learnings. hope you'll be blessed reading
my entries!
LOVE YOU!
Monday, April 06, 2009

finally slept with my korean song playing on repeat. woke up and read your emails. and have so many thoughts running through my mind, but i won't say them all now because there are some that i have to think through. because i don't want to reply them with demands, judgements, angry outbursts or dishonesty - cause i so badly want things to work between us no matter how hard it is. but it seems like the feeling is not mutual, and wouldn't expect it to be knowing how much you want her and, to put it in a bad way for the lack of words, don't want me (don't get me wrong. i don't mean as a friend, but as something more).

maybe it's the fact that we are so far apart from each other and don't communicate. maybe it's the fact that you're comparing three years ago with that short two weeks that you barely were here. everybody around me has seen that change in me - everyone save you. i don't want to go guessing why because i know i'll start making assumptions that will hurt you. and i don't want to do that. so i'm leaving it at that.

it seems like i'm doing a million, billion things, but in fact, i'm not. i seriously have a lot of free time to spare. it's just that maybe from those two weeks you were here, it gave you the wrong impression. and from the number of things that i mention on my blog, it seems that way - that i'm doing so many things at one time. but it's not. it just seemed that way to you because during those two weeks, my nights were very hectic because we were preparing for a lot of hall and block events before the committee closes for the exam period. but you never saw my days and how free i was, waiting to spend some time with you but never got to until the last few days because you were the busy one (understandably cause you had to meet so many people). it's not me who has a billion things to do, it's the way that you see things (i never thought that i would ever say this backatcha. dejavu.)

you mentioned that the way that i put things out on my blog, it seems like i'm so eager to share the things that i'm doing. you know what, you're right. i'm damn eager to share whatever good things and bad things, meaning full moments, shit happens moments that happen in my life with YOU. i don't care how many other people are reading my blog because whenever i write an entry, the only audience in my mind is you. the amount of judgement that i have to deal with from the other people is so great, but i still don't care - i blog out my i love yous and i miss yous only for one person alone even when the whole world condemns me because it's wrong to love someone who has a status like yourself.

because i want you to know what i'm doing, how i'm feeling, what i'm listening to, what i'm reading, what i'm thinking. but it seems like all my words and the things that i'm doing is a form of escape and covering up to you. it hurts me that you feel that way. yes, truthfully and honestly, this blog is my only other way of communicating with you in an instant because i don't want to be flooding your inbox with emails that you'll probably just delete. this blog is not only the place where i rant out my feelings, but it's your personal never ending gmail account where everything i want to tell you is put in this space. and then i hear you telling me that all these - me vulnerably putting my happiness and sadness out for you to see it seen as escapism - it hurts like shit.

but i won't say anymore about it because i know you're making comments without knowing exactly what is going on. all this information, it may come as a revelation to you. or it may come as a repelling agent. i don't know, it's really up to you to decide.

and i don't know, maybe you think i'm so complicated that everything i do is complicated to you. i realize that you always have that judgement on me. and that's why you never saw beyond the person you thought i am - maybe i'm right, maybe i'm wrong in saying this, but it's just what i felt after reading your second email. there is no "theory" that i was trying to bring across to you when i said that. those cards that i sent you were part of your birthday card. but i guess you thought of it as something else - i don't know, but i'm not going to judge, again because i think you didn't know any better.

i'm totally agreeing with you on the point that the connection stays in the heart, and i'm not asking you to contact me, email me, talk to me, message me, MSN me every single day. that is virtually impossible because all that is reserved for her. and even if you didn't do all that, i'd still know you care for me because you still visit this, sadly, misunderstood space (which i hope that now you understand).

my point was about you finishing that short cryptic message that's got me worrying about how you are doing for days on end. what i was trying to say was, if you could do all that with her, couldn't you just have dropped me an email to tell me what happened and that you were doing fine. and the fact is you can drop me emails - three times in a 2-3 day period. but i don't know, maybe it's only when you think quelyn is going into overdrive that you will send an email?

this is really the last time that i'm going to try to explain it. but if you still don't get it, then really, forget it. just think what you have always thought about me.

and if you haven't noticed this post/"email" is riddled with "i don't know"(s) because i'm forcing my judgmental self to stay down and i'm trying to see things from your point of view and then explaining how i feel and what i'm doing. but if after all this trying to explain to you in a clam and rational manner is seen as a form of justifying to you, then seriously, let's just do it your way because you have a certain way of seeing things and i don't want to be misunderstood anymore. think what you want, because i can't stop you if you already have preconceived notions and judgements of me. it hurts me to think that you might be doing that - but if that's the way you are, i'll accept it. because that's what friends do, they accept the other for who he is. and that's what love does, it gives unconditionally.

one last time, and i swear i'll never say it again unless something more happens between us - iloveyou&imissyoualot.

love,
bbff.