honestly, there's a lot in this post i don't want you to read.
because it's all so emotional.
but i know you still will . . .

taking the bus 143 from toa payoh all the way back to hall. today was a really wet one cause it started raining while we were on the pubic bus to mandai creamatorium. missed a stop and had to walk back on the rain. my whole body got wet and I was shivering in the service cause the place was air-conditioned. but I had to keep strong and be there for Meng Ching. and I didn't cry even when I wanted too because I was there to be a pillar of support.

and it's still raining now.

reminds me of the time when he was here. there were days I wanted to cry because I knew where he went to everyday. but I had to put up a strong front becuase now, I'm just his best friend. but on those days, it rained, because God knew I wanted to cry. the last few days reminded me of it. I can't cry cause I have to be strong. so God sends rain to cry for me, or at least that's what I feel.

won't be blogging much cause exams are here.
good luck to everyone. :)
and take care, person who is down below.
I hope you've gotten better from that bout of flu you got in s'pore.

|add-on edit|

11.28pm
been back in hall for a few hours already and i'm falling sick. *screams* I HAVE A PAPER AT 10AM! DON'T DO THIS TO ME. been studying, not thinking. staying logical, not emotional. but nothing i study is getting into my brain so i figured that i better go sleep. it'll probably help more than studying. plus, a scene keeps replaying in my mind. one where MengChing's sister said "from now on i'll be the one to support you & 疼 you" - i want that kind of family love. i want that kind of love, period. but, so far i haven't owned it YET. i believe i will someday - then i don't always have to be strong because there'll be someone to listen to me when i'm down, and give me advice. someone who will care for me, and make sure i take care of myself. and for that person, i will. bbff does all that - the only difference is... go figure.

i'm tired. and the fluishness is starting to clog up the brain.
sighs. goodnights everyone.

well, maybe not goodnight - cause i lied. i did think about a lot of things.

having an iPhone is not exactly the worst thing, but being able to go onto the internet at any given time, is a bad thing. the ride on the bus from expo to amk was very long and i couldn't help but go check my blog out. i saw the tag once again and drowned in a reverie of memories, old and new - my mind flew back to march2006, and it didn't help that today IS the 1st of march - but the right date, is the 24th to be exact. i remember because that was the day i found the one person that really matters the most, then & now - it never stopped.

but with the happy memories comes the sad ones. by my birthday in july, i had a feeling i was losing you. it's just a female thing that guys will never understand. it wasn't because you had tons of practice and a million other things that you had to do at the boarding school. but because i felt you losing interest in me. because i felt, another female presence. and that's when i totally lost it - and did everything i could to bring you back. in that period of time, i lost everything i ever owned - my pride, my dignity, my self-respect, my confidence, because i threw them aside in desperation.

and the bus ride became the longest in my life.

looking back, i hated the me then in the period just before you turned your back on me. that quelyn is a quelyn that i never want to see ever again, and a person i'll never want to be every again. but recently, i feel myself being weak. i honestly don't want to admit it. but the first step to resolving a problem is admitting that there is one.

God, i know i cannot fall.
God, take me away from temptation.
God, take the love away from me.
if it's not meant to be, take it away!
let me see him as a friend


and then i actually went on to admire my sister - because unlike me, she had the courage to rebel and let her feelings be heard. unlike me, she couldn't keep her relationship under wraps. unlike me, she actually did something so wrong that it actually became a right. when her bf broke up with her middle of last year, she committed SUICIDE. ohgod. how many times did that thought flash through my mind when you turned your back. but it never became a deed, because i'm the pillar of my family, the school. yes, i know that it was damn wrong for her to do that, playing with her life. but, it became a right because it gave her a clean start. when she regained consciousness, she forgot about everything in the past.

AND I ENVY HER FOR THAT. she didn't regain most of her memory until like dec/jan. but for the most painful first few months, she was oblivious. for me, i spent the first year crying and screwing my whole life over - without my parents knowing. they still think that i've never had a bf - i should win an Emmy for that.

the first year buying your birthday present was extremely emotional - our non-existent first year anniversary. after that, i tried to let go and became a playgirl. clubbing, drinking, was a way to forget for that one/two/three/four nights a week - depending on how much i missed you that week. by the time it came to buy your second birthday present, it was a little better - thinking about our non-existent second year anniversary. this year, i don't know how it'll be yet. but i hope that this year, i'll really buy you a present as my bbff.

when you called on my birthday last year, i cried the whole night cause i was so goddamn happy that i heard your voice - that was the best present i received last year. that's how much you affect me - just your voice is enough to make me happy. can you imagine, when you appeared at NUS - seeing you was a happiness beyond words. i just couldn't express it. but that night, i slept with a smile on my face. the second night, was bliss that no one else could ever give me - words, don't do justice. don't come close. i was just totally engulfed in the moment with you. my room for the days you were her was a bubble. a safe haven for us, for me - where i could drown in forbidden feelings & moments, that sadly, you may not want to remember. but i won't. what you've forgotten, i'll remember because they'll bring me through till death. your smiles, your frowns. your happiness, your anger. your cares, your naggings. your loves, likes, dislikes and hates. i never forget. i just pretended i did.

the reason why i've been wanting to cry the past few days - i travelled alot and i passed/lingered at/had to be at places that hold happy memories, and not so comfortable ones. friday night on the way to hollandV, i passed her school. at hollandV, i passed the Subway where we had one of our first dates. passed the serene center stretch a few million times this weekend because i had a lot of stuff to settle in the bukit timah area. even the small things like the busstop at amk makes me think of you. and it doesn't matter where you are at that moment because the memory of you being there just makes the crowds disappear and i fall into a space where it's just me and you, even though you're not there.

&. your smile. - i don't want to, and cannot explain this now. because, it's so ironic that it hurts just thinking of it.

OHGOD. BUT I KNOW THESE ARE NOT ANY GOOD REASONS TO SHED MY TEARS.
how stupid can i be.



my bedtime's overdue. the hot tea, the medicine - doesn't seem to be working. and a migraine seems to be creeping in. sian-ness to the max. sleep beckons.