the other day i met OMC for bible study and it was about the fatherhood of God. at the end of the lesson, she asked me to write a letter to my earthly dad. and i've been thinking about it. i haven't seen my dad for a long, long, long time. and in all honesty, i don't even know where he is now. something about me many people don't know - my parents are divorced and i don't get to see them as much as i'd like to. and also because my parents are always overseas and well, just MIA. sighs. everyone i love and care about and whom i really want to hear from is MIA. and i feel damn f- alone even though i'm surrounded by so many people, so many friends.

but i still thank God for friends who surround me. the dim that loneliness, even if just that bit.

back to the original topic, i really, really don't know what i would say in a letter to my dad. i hate you for what you did to the family, but i still love you because i was always your little princess. is that all i would say to him? sighs. i don't know. i was talking to D. once in a cab while he was giving me a lift back home and it slipped. i told him, i wanna be famous. i wanna be a superstar. and i told him because it was my passion. D. is a life coach and as all coaches/mentors do, they ask questions that make you think deeper. and the truth came out. it's not just because it's a passion that i wanna be a superstar. it's because i want my parents to give me that attention that i want from them. maybe i'm too small for them to care at times because in their life, they have so many bigger things to do, things that may change and shift the nation and the world economy tomorrow. and so, small little me is inconsequential.

and i didn't tell this to him but, i want the attention of a few other people as well - a long lost friend that i haven't seen since primary school and whose number i don't have because he migrated to another country, i want to meet him again and tell him that i'm sorry and i didn't mean what i said. we were young and foolish then, and i really do love you as a friend. - attention from my family. i've always been estranged from my paternal family because i never was able to speak chinese as a kid. and after a while, we just stopped trying to speak to each other, me and my cousins. and they started thinking that i was being arrogant and aloof. but that's not the truth. i just couldn't speak the language. and now that i can, we still have no common topics because we rarely meet each other. - and of course, the last one, i don't need to explain because these two VIM, very important men are always around somewhere, but they rarely appear. they care, but they don't show it, typical chinese men. hahas.

and i still don't know what i'd say to my dad.
but there's one question i'll ask.
"daddy, where are you?" :(