i feel so f- weak. i thought of you the whole night, yes you who's so far away from me. i stood at the door of the bar, looking at the two seats in the middle of the platform and imagined you sitting there, drinking beer, like i saw you doing in the pictures down under. the whole night until i got distracted by my friends who came down to visit me. and then i drank and drank, but couldn't and didn't get drunk - i'm here blogging at 2.56am. i miss you. i miss you. i miss you. the whole night, "Lucky" was playing in my head and i know it doesn't apply to us, but still - it means a lot to me. ever since i heard it playing on your iMini, it hasn't left my head.

boy, i hear you in my dreams. almost every night. no, i don't feel your whisper across the ocean because i know you're whispering to someone else. but i do keep you with me in my heart, because it really makes things easier when life gets hard. because i hear your voice, telling me what i should and should not do or feel. thinking of you makes me want to work harder to become a better person, just so that maybe one day you'll look at me again - in the way you used to so long ago. yes, i'm in love with my best friend - the only one who knows so much about me. so many other things that even my parents and korie don't know about. because you are the only one that i trust with so many of my secrets. lucky to have been where i was with you then, and now. whatever our relationship, i'm just one lucky girl to have you as my closest person. even though i'm not entitled to it, everytime we say goodbye, i wish we had a bit more time with each other, just one more hug, or one more kiss. and i'll wait for you. i promise you, i will.

tonight, it's my moment of weakness. don't judge me for loving someone i shouldn't. i drank, but couldn't forget. i slept, but couldn't shake his memory off. because i miss him so badly. because i haven't heard from him. because, i just miss his voice, his presence in my life. being so honest as i am now, i know some people reading will judge me. but i don't care. i just want to be true to myself. i don't want to hide anymore. because. because i want to be honest with him.

you know who you are, you'll always be my best friend - and that's what i'm trying to see you as. but sometimes, i just miss you in that way because i love you so much. you might hate me for it, but i'd rather be truthful than lie to myself. i've lied to myself for too long, and i want to be selfish, just this once or twice more.