4.42am. and i'm already up - technically because i cannot go back to sleep. woke up to one of the most horrid nightmares that i can ever have - because this time, the nightmare is real. it's a memory that is being repeated in my mind while i sleep. it's a memory that i never want to think of ever again, because it's my greatest fear and the thing that makes me the saddest. our relationship now, i don't know how strong or how fragile it is. and i realize, that's why i'm always so afraid that one day you'll leave me, cut all contact and it'll come to a point where i'll never be able to find you ever again. the world is so big - 6billion people? and only you will know where i am, but not vice versa. this feeling here and now as i'm blogging is something i cannot explain. it's pain, mixed with fear and apprehension, worry and confusion.

maybe these words from an old blog entry on another blog will shed some light. maybe it won't. to you, and to me as well. because i personally, don't know what i'm feeling at this moment, don't know what i should feel at this moment. i'm as confused as can be. why, i don't know. hahas. it's just a sense of uneasiness.

Oh goodness. I thought that I would never write about this person or think about this person ever again. But it seems that as long as someone is part of your past, he or she will inevitably be part of your persent because it is the past that has made you who you are, in one way or another... ...

I was at the airport, wanting to perhaps have a few last words with him and then send him off in peace. But it turned out that almost his whole CCA was there, and there was no way I could say anything to him because there was just so many people, from his CCA, his BS, his secondary school. So in the end, I stood at a distance watching him, and when he left, I cried. He was just so precious to me, at that point of time. And after he left, I went to the viewing gallery. Knowing Changi like the back to my hand, I knew exactly which berth he was flying off from. And from that distance, I said my last goodbyes to him, silently.

The picture up there, is the plane that he was sitting on. Not a replicate, not another airplane of the same airline. He was in there. And me, I was crying. For what, right now, I can't really remember anymore. But I knew that on that day, I cried so badly that I never really cried as much since then. And I doubt I'll cry as much as i did that day.

And from that day onwards, I never really knew what was going to happen between us. But I do know that we've cut contact with each other and totally erased any contactable links between us. Whether we will ever meet again, I will never know. But I know that if I do see him again, I will say 'hi' to him, but feign amnesia. Actually, deep in my heart, I want to actually have amnesia, get myself into a car accident, an accident out at sea, hit my head hard enough on something, just to forget him totally. Because it's not easy to forget a person you love, even though he hurt you deep enough for you to hate him.

They say that the deeper you love a person, the deeper your hate for him will be. But it doesn't seem to work in my life. Somehow, God forgot to give me the 'hate' gene. I've never been able to hate a person. Dislike, yes, but I'd still be able to talk to that person, and show that person care. That's defintely not hate. God, I'd pray that you give me a little hate so that I'd be able forget him, but, that just be so screwed because God is love, He can't give me hate.

For me, my ending was sudden, and even more heart-breaking than his departure because somehow, he had to tell me a whole lot of information that I really didn't have to know. Even though I know that I should hate him for being such a person, somehow, I still love him. Not as much as before because now God is number one in my life, but yh will somehow always be number two, a number two that is buried so deep in my heart that the numbers will run 1,3,4,5,6... because he has been taken away, yet he's still there. Yet somehow, the ending didn't feel like one because there was no actual words being said. So misty was it that I feel that it's going to be hard to find a closure. But I believe that I'm already out of that shadow.

-18th June 2007
"Look at the Rainbow"

so many things that i said in that previous blog entry has almost either become even truer or has faded into nothingness. for example, i've found back my point of contact with him. and he's someone whom i want to be in my future. but i'm still f- confused. i don't know what exactly it is that i'm feeling now.

f- this random post.
God, tell me what the hell is happening
why are you doing this to me?
STOP THE F- NIGHTMARES.