12nn in singapore. got about an hour, or less before Qiao & Nic turns up for lunch. sitting at the Deck of NUS where again, i am sort of people watching. i see familiar faces that i haven't seen in a while, i see hall people that know me but whom i don't really know. sometimes i feel that i'm guilty of being someone who doesn't know what's going on around me and in the lives of my friends around me. something i have to change i guess.

the moment i sat down at a table and opened my Mac, the first thing that came to mind was, it's going to be 3pm soon, have you eaten lunch, are you preparing dinner? school's started already, are you still busying doing all those household chores. if i were there with you, i'd do them all for you. hahas. but i'm not. so i shall just be content with keeping my own room in hall.

ahh. so many things happened the last two days, and it was mind-blowing, nerve-wrecking and somewhat disturbing. i learnt alot about myself and abou the way i see things. there are many things that yh has said before that i finally realize myself. it's not that i don't believe him, but sometimes, there are things that you can hear from people, but you will only really start doing something when you finally experience it yourself. bbff, keep telling me the things that i do wrong. hahas. cause it was only because you said it that i could recognize it.

SAT 7th MARCH/ woke up at 5.20am because of the alarm but slacked in bed till 6am. i didn't sleep until 2am that morning because i was so super excited about the day ahead. however, i was still really awake because of all the adrenaline running around in me. reported on time at 7.15am for grounding at first toa payoh secondary school. ^^ really proud of myself because i have NEVER woken up so early since entering NUS. seriously, it was a miracle.

but then, excitement slowly turned to somewhat of frustration and disappointment. the NY team was supposed to report at 11am, but they didn't turn up till past 12nn. and it was really frustrating because i knew that my excitement was wearing down and i was afraid that i wouldn't be at my best when the team reported. and i was disappointed because i knew that they were supposed to be there earlier - they were coming late because NY had x-country in the morning. but because of the rain, the race was cancelled and they were dismissed at 9am. they should have been there earlier, but they didn't think that the training was important enough to be there.

but honestly, the day really went downhill when the team came because we were all assuming that there would be two teams. and the other mentor wanted to take the first team because there were people whom she knew. i wanted to take the first team too. but mistake #1: i didn't stand up for myself i wanted so badly to take that team, but being the soft person that i am, i gave in. we supposedly mentored the team "together" during the first day but, it was obvious that from the moment i said yes, i was pushed out of the picture immediately.

and mistake #2: i was filled with so many negative feelings because of all that happened, because of the attitude that they were giving. the importance of PVC to me is really very great - even more than anyone can imagine because it's really my make or break learning journey. for so many years, i haven't done something as meaningful as this. but everything seemed to be going wrong. i placed expectations on the team - something that i shouldn't have done. something that i fortunately, since, have changed. that day, the team proved me wrong. learning #1: because i let them be who they are, and let them have fun, i saw their potential. and i had a sense of achievement that day, for bringing out something else in the lives of the team.

but the other NY team never turned up.

end of the day, end of training. i got a message from the other NY team, apologizing for their absence and saying that they would be there the next day. i was happy, but worried and i literally broke down because of the stress. the importance of the i-choose training, i don't know how to stress it here. all i can say is that it's so important because the rest of the journey depends on this start. i was also worried about the team dynamics. the time and dedication that i have put on this project is more than anything that i have ever done. the only thing in my life that i have dedicated more of my time and life to was to my man two years ago. the extent, i left church for him vs. i skipped church for the trainings - that's the extent of my dedication because has to be something big enough and important enough that can bring me away from church.

i can only honestly say that i was f- worried about what would happen to the team. the next day's events were crucial, and concerned the safety of each and every person in the team. but i'm glad that #1 the main comm gave me a choice to take the team, or to give the team up. after what i saw with the first NY team, i was ready to believe that the second NY team would be, and is just as great. #2 the support from my friends and the main comm, as well as the main trainer, sheena. i thank God for all these people who believed in me and encouraged me. i feel so weak for crying, but i thank God that these people see it the way as yh does. crying is not weakness - but just a way of expressing other things, like love and commitment. and i thank them for the strength that their support gave to me.

SUN 8th MARCH/ but the next day, the other NY team decided not to come because they only had two people left. the other eight people had backed out of the project. but that left me with an even bigger dilemma. we all see things differently, and so do adults. the other mentor and myself were from different mentoring teams, different lead mentors. and their approaches to people were different. i almost had to leave my team of mentors to join hers. and i knew from day1 that she was uncomfortable with sharing the team, and that was probably why she wanted the first team that came. i know i have some negative thoughts about her that shouldn't be there, but somehow, i WILL get them out of my head. the other mentor was a fellow councillor in NY and i admit that i do have some judgements about her because i've been working with her for 2years and i perfectly know her style. i feel that it's selfish for her to do that, but i also know that it's just who she is. i cannot change that fact, so i just have to work with it.

again, mistake #3 i let myself slip into the "i don't believe in myself"mode and let myself be a follower. shit. i f- shouldn't have done that because it made me feel disappointed in myself. Dennet, my lead mentor told me that it's really not because i'm not capable. as someone else important has also told me before, Dennet said it to - i have so much intelligence, beauty and energy, but i'm just not showing it because i don't believe in myself. why is it that other people see the potential in me, but not myself. the first guy who saw that potential was my bf for a period. the second guy who saw that potential said he would date me if i were older. is intelligence and beauty really a lethal combination? do men really like it? ah. but that's off the topic.

argh. but by the end of the day, i guess something worked out fine. and for the next 3months, it's really going to be a challenge to me because it's going to be a period of exponential growth, realization and well, belief. i'm going to have to start believing in myself again. it's not going to be an easy journey, but i know that i will pull through.

i choose to be in Project Vibrant Colours
i choose to dedicate the next three months of my life
i choose to learn as much from the experience as possible
i choose to go through the fire and emerge even stronger.