"And I worship you Lord
my life in You restored"
my life in You restored"
i'm watching sunday morning service online because i'm feeling very sick now. but the moment that line was sung, i started crying. i hate myself like this. crying at everything that touches my heart. crying at everything that hurts. i don't want to cry, but i couldn't help it. being strong for too long is tiring. i want someone to lean on.
been throwing up since i woke up at 7am because i screwed myself over yesterday night. losing myself to my emotions, finally after i don't know how long of suppressing everything that bothered me. yesterday i just let myself get totally drunk. my first, and last experience in that way. i swear. but the experience was so surreal and i'm glad it happened. now i know why people will pay money to get themselves wasted. the feeling there and then is one of total nothingness. you forget everything for that respite of time. and you don't feel anything at all. still conscious, yet unconscious.
BUT I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN. I SWEAR.
cause the aftermath is just totally crazy.
i won't be eating anything today i guess.
stomach's just totally rebelling.
someone find my hurt and heal it please.
and God, where are You?
:(
and God, where are You?
:(