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THE BLOG! :) obviously, but also to a world of wonders and mysteries
that are to be unraveled because that's precisely what SHE (or rather
me,) is all about. if you know me, welcome to another side of me.
but if you don't know me, it's okay. i still welcome you into a world of me
and what happens. i'm not anywhere near perfect, but here is where
i share my experiences and learnings. hope you'll be blessed reading
my entries!
LOVE YOU!
Saturday, February 28, 2009

blogging from my dearest iPhone cause I didn't bring my laptop home. yeaps, last minute decision to come home for the weekend cause I think I need a break before the exams (which are next week!!) starts. this week, well, has been a tough one for many reasons. firstly, there was alot of conflict in my project group because some seniors who think that they knew better started condemning me because of some miscommunication. really wanna bitch about them, but a lady who is gracious knows when she has to stop being a bitch and start being a lady. and me, I'm going to be that lady and not lower myself to their level. I don't regret trying to resolve the conflict, but I do regret having gone down to their level because some people there obviously failed their English with a very huge F9 D8 - let's give her the benefit of doubt yah.

secondly, I had brushes with both life and death this week. once again the fragilty of life presents itself in front of me. and once again, I question life and love. why am I living? why do I love him the way I do? why does everyone tell me that it's/he's not worth it when I feel that it's one of the very things that I'm living for. this week, a close friend's uncle died after a brave battle with his illness. today, I celebrated by grandfather's, my last living grandparent's 90th birthday. death, and life. just one day apart. one, single day apart. how scary is that. made me evaluate my life again.

I know I'm doing alot of meaningful things like volunteer work and pursuing my dreams and passions. I empower myself to go after my dreams and I empower others to become leaders in their schools and in society. but at the same time, I put myself down and have alot of disbelief in myself. I allow myself to wallow in something that I've already lost and try to convince myself that I haven't lost it yet. is this really the life that I wanna live? one more thing to sort out/think about.

thirdly, when it strikes midnight, it'll be a week. and for now I just want to leave it at that. I don't want my emotions to take over cause I'm at home and home is not the safest space to show these feelings. and I'm not replying your tag for a while for the same reasons. I don't want my emotions to take over cause even though it doesn't really affect you, I still want to learn to be logical about things. two years, have taught me alot, I guess. sighs. but I still will say, imissyou. and just like this week, I'll live week by week. I hope that makes life easier somehow.

went for cellgroup yesterday and I'm really glad I saw korie there (which is rare cause he's already serving the nation). afterall, other than yh, he's the second person in the world who knows me the most. the moment I walked into the room, he knew I'd been crying. and he knew that I didn't want him to say a word or ask me anything. thank you God, for at least one person around me who knows the reason why I cry and will not condemn me for it. at least one person who will just let me cry and not try to give me solutions nor judge me, like those other friends have. thank you God, for both yh and korie.

but i thank God for all the other friends too. their condemning eyes of irritation and looks of "why can't she just get over him" made me stop crying in front of their presence. made me stop crying in public, period. because of them, i learnt that crying in public is a sign of weakness. a weakness that no one should know about. in another way, they made me grow stronger too.

today, went for part two of mentor training for project vibrant colours. by the middle of this week, i'll know which school I'll be assigned to. hope it's near NUS so that I don't travel too far for meetings with my kids. for the first few weeks, I'll have to meet the kids about every 4days to start them getting bonded and to bond with them too. as well as the teachers. today learnt skills as to how to bring them through the various stages of team-building as productively as possible. I'm excited cause I'll be meeting them next sat&sun! :) it's going to be a long 3months journey, but at the end, it'll be all worth it cause I'd have brought up 10more leaders for society.

so for them, for myself - I must be strong!
as much as possible, I'll try.

it's late. and I have church early in the morning and then it's going to the creamatorium to send off my friend's uncle and more importantly, to be there for her. MengChing, be strong! I'll be here for you. :)