i honestly don't know what it is that we have between us.
do we even have anything at all?
am i just your plaything?
i don't know.
don't know.
idk.

OMG. i just have to blog so much about a lot of things. cause there's a million and one things that happened this week. i'm afraid that i'll forget. to me, this blog is like my precious because it's really the memories that are all kept here. love! as well as all the frustrations and anger and pent up confessions that i have to make. IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE HELL I'M GOING THROUGH, READ MY BLOG. I'M NOT GOING TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT.

yeaps. good things first? bad things first? well, let's go with the good things then. :)

MONDAY/ was a really really super duper good day for me because i met up with 3 of my friends from the different aspects of my life and they all became friends! i love it when the world becomes smaller like this. :D started out with 10am new media lecture with nicole and qiao, my bffs from secondary school and JC. then they both went for their own other lectures while i went to read about Japanese history in the library. painful that one, but it's something that i have to do, module required reading. and then we met at 12nn for lunch together and started talking a lot. qiao was quite stressed out, but i hope that our company made the day better for her. QIAO, I LOVE YOU KAYS. :) then bella came from science to arts because she wanted to skip lecture! hahas. then nicole had to leave at 4pm for lecture. bella qiao and i continued talking till 6pm when me and qiao had to go for our VERY FIRST FRENCH LECTURE. love it much. love the language. hope i can cope. lols. went back, slacked, bathed, ATE WITH MY BLOCK! and then had block comm mtg at 11pm - 1pm. OMG. damn tired.

TUESDAY/ slacked! cause i didn't have school. talked to BBFF online. hahas. then did some hall stuff, etc. etc. etc. ATE DINNER WITH MY BLOCK! omg. i'm so going to have dinner almost every night with my block unless i have something else on. I WANT TO LOVE MY BLOCK MORE cause i'm like super phantom. shit-ake mushrooms! and then went to sell drinks by myself. poor thing. but i sold 22cans! APPLAUSE PLEASE! :D

WEDNESDAY/ 8AM LECTURE! omg. that is one of the worst. i have to wake up EARLY EARLY EARLY. :( was with xinying the whole time until she left for lecture. made new friends with her friend FAITH! weets! and i love her already. she's so hardworking! i was like camwhoring, fb-ing, blogging etc etc etc. while she was studying. BUT, to come to my defense, i was reading Obama's inauguration speech. HEY, THAT'S INTELLECTUAL TOO. lols. had french lecture at 4pm then geog economy&space at 6pm. went back to hall and slacked around. MADE A LOT OF NOISE WITH MY LEVEL6 BOYS! hahas. i think they're going to have a lot to deal with when i'm around. but, i still love all of them. i have a lot of love to spread around because, i don't have a bf. LOLS. waited till about 11pm then went clubbing with bella&michelle. THE LAST SESSION OF THE SEM! because tutorials start next week. :(

THURSDAY/ 10AM LECTURE. omg. killer. i was half an hour late cause i only pulled myself out of bed at like 9.45 although my alarm was set at 8.30am. lols. after lecture went to science fac megabites for lunch with jingyan and nicole! :) haven't seen jingyan since the zoo trip. and i told her that i'll only see her bf in 6months time cause i only saw nicole's bf 6months after they were together. so i must treat the both of them fairly. :) then spent loads of time with nicole back at the arts fac bazaar. OMG! ranting time. on the way to the science fac, we totally died on the bus because the bus suddenly jerked and the whole line of people got squished to the front and like nic and i were the last 3rd and 4th person and it was DAMN PAINFUL! argh. i don't really like that bus driver. so IRRITATING! humphs. ANDANDAND! BIMBO MOMENT FROM NICOLE! :P we were at some stall at the bazaar and there was music blasting from somewhere. nicole went "wait ah" and walked two steps and went "OH! *giggling*" guess what? SHE THOUGHT THE MUSIC WAS BLASTING OUT FROM THE VENDING MACHINE! hahas. so, so. OMG. NICOLE! hahas. on the way back to hall, met xuewei and kailing on the bus. hahas. coolio!

alrighty. the bad part. i don't really feel like ranting. but i know if i don't, i'll feel like shit. all because of one word - ACCOUNTABILITY. wtf. honestly, i think that the only person in my whole life that i should be and AM ALREADY accountable to is God. no one else. NO ONE ELSE AT ALL. why? why? you ask me why? BECAUSE GOD IS THE ONLY ONE WHO FREAKING REALLY CARES ABOUT ME. WHO ELSE CARES A F- ABOUT ME? you wanna know the answer. really. let me tell you - NO ONE! all EVERYONE throws at me is expectation, expectation, expectation. do you care the f- whether i can make it or not? NO! you just want me to hit that mark to make you happy. you just want me to hit that mark to show you that i love God. you just want me to hit the mark to show you that i'm as smart as you think i am. you just want me to hit the mark to show off to other people that you have such a talented child. wtf.

I'M NOT YOUR PUPPET FOR YOU TO PLAY. I'M NOT YOUR SHOWOFF THING. AND I'M NOT EVERYTHING YOU EXPECT ME TO BE! WHY DO I HAVE TO PROVE TO YOU THAT I LOVE GOD? WHY DO I HAVE TO PROVE TO YOU THAT I CAN GET FIRST CLASS HONORS? WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO PROVE ANYTHING AT ALL? WHY? YOU DON'T CARE A F- ABOUT ME. YOU JUST CARE ABOUT WHAT I CAN DO FOR YOU. YOU. YOU. I'VE BEEN LIVING MY LIFE FOR MANY OTHER YOUS BEFORE YOU CAME.

i can continue on ranting and ranting. but i just want to say that i do love that group of people and i do love the organization because it is almost like my family. but there are times where family members are caught up with other things too. i've already made time. i've already told you i can't go. what more do you want from me? i really don't know. i really really don't know. but you don't even care about me. all you do is judge me. do you even know what the f- i'm going through now. yeah. whatever financial update and what not, all you know is what happened in 2008. maybe things have changed since i last told you about. but, you really don't care do you.

sometimes i want to tell you the truth. but i'm afraid that you'll judge me and condemn me. i'm not perfect. in fact, sometimes i think i'm evil. evil to the core that i think even lesser demons might be scared of me. i'm not an angel. definitely not. i'm not perfect nor holy nor whatever. i try to be as much as possible. but there's still that evil streak in me. but i'm not tell anyone because i have a feeling you'll judge me and push me away. because i know that they things that i have done is totally unacceptable in your eyes. do you know that feeling, where sometimes you think even God has forsaken you because you've done too much evil. that's how i feel. that's how i fell the last time as well. i don't want to fall again. but there's no one to hold me up. because no one f- cares. sometimes i feel that other people care more than you do. or maybe it's because the other people are also going through the same thing as me, so i know they won't judge or condemn me because we are the same kind. but you might. you just might...