had Ne-Yo's "So Sick" stuck in my head all day long. i know why, but i'm trying to tell myself that i don't know why the song is stuck in my head. when you want to forget something, you try to convince yourself otherwise, remember. hahs. like it really works. sense the sarcasm in it.

gotta change that calender i have
marked april 7th
'cause since there's no more you
there's no more anniversary
and i know it makes no sense
'cause you walked out the door
but it's the only way i hear your voice anymore

(it's ridiculous)it's been months
and for some reason i
(can't get over us)
i wanna be stronger than this
(enough is enough)
don't wanna walk around with my head down
i don't wanna be a fool
cryin over you

and i'm so sick of love songs
so tired of tears
(wanna be)
so done with wishing
you were still here
i wanna be
so sick of love songs
so sad and slow
but why can't i just tur
nmy back to the memories.

if there's one thing the commercials got right, it's the line "the men don't get it". i'm getting sick and tired of playing around and flirting and doing things that i shouldn't really be doing.

but i haven't gotten over the last one, and i haven't found a suitable new one. it doesn't make sense at all because all this time, i kept thinking that i was over it. but i realized that i spent 365days trying to get him to hate/pity me. and then i spent another 365days trying to convince him that i was over him. but one thing i failed to do was to convince MYSELF. how, screwed? i mean, he's moved on, got a new life, new friends, new girlfriend, new environment. so why the heck am i still moping around here? i honestly don't know. all i know is " 我只知道爱上了那就是爱上了没有疑问 / 只要爱一个人用尽全力去争 / 不管爱情有多残忍不管你笑我笨 / 不管爱多残忍我比谁都认真".

LOVING someone for a few months i realize is harder to put down than have a CRUSH on someone for 5years. really, now, that crush is the older brother that i never had. but my ex is the lover that i'll never have again. and he tells me he doesn't care if i listen and a few lines later he tells me to pick myself up. what am i suppose to make out of that yh? what am i suppose to make out of it? as a friend, do you care or do you not? YES, I ADMIT THAT MY COMPLEX MIND CANNOT READ THE DIFFERENT SIMPLE SIGNALS THAT YOU ARE SENDING. but i just need you to realize that i don't know what i should think of you as, even after two years. my head tells me "friend", but somewhere deep inside, i know that's a lie from the pit of hades. right now all that i'm doing is covering myself up more and more, to try to forget. everytime i blog to say that i'm alright, I'M NOT! i was just trying to convince myself that i am.

i'm busier that ever, but emptier than ever
i go to the club to find empty love from the guys there
i run long distances to stop myself from crying
i surround myself with bears to fill the space you left behind

really, i don't expect you to understand.
because i myself don't understand.
because you don't have any feelings for me anymore.
because you left already knowing that there's
someone else you wanted to love, or maybe not.
but a girl has her instincts.
i knew there was another girl, even though you didn't.
because you were my life, practically my world,
every little change that happened in your heart and mind was so obvious to me.

i know, you're probably going to ignore everything that i've said,
because what am i to you anyway.
what am i to you anyway...

i hate myself for still loving you
i hate myself for still thinking of you
i hate myself for still remembering you
i hate myself for still hearing your voice
i hate myself for still feeling your touch

i hate myself for not being able to put you down

i've said it. i don't care anymore. i don't care what you think of me anymore.

honestly, deep down inside, i want to be someone you cherish, someone whom you knew was once very precious to you, someone who was undeniably part of your life before, someone you want to continue to love as a friend, someone who you would admit to people that "yes, she was once my girlfriend, a long time ago".

but maybe if,
in your heart, mind and soul you'd
let me be the person you hate the most,
let me be the person you detest the most,
let me be the person that you want to forget the most,
let me be the person that you want to kill the most,
let me be the person you don't think is worth remembering,
let me be the person you don't think is worth loving,
let me be the person whom you think wasted your time on,
let me be the person you never want to see again,
then maybe it would be easier to stop loving and longing for you.

now that the whole world knows, i don't really care.
at least they can now pray for me to break through this.
maybe they can teach me to forget someone, to move on.
maybe someone will scold me for being stupid and foolish
then maybe i'll wake up, pick up,
and get on with what i'm supposed to do.

i'm so sorry destiny

that your owner is such a loser

but you'll just have to wait

i promise that i'll fulfill you someday

i finally got everything out

you can laugh at me

you can scold me

you can worry 'bout me

just don't pity me

just don't hate me

just, be my friend

because i really need you now.