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THE BLOG! :) obviously, but also to a world of wonders and mysteries
that are to be unraveled because that's precisely what SHE (or rather
me,) is all about. if you know me, welcome to another side of me.
but if you don't know me, it's okay. i still welcome you into a world of me
and what happens. i'm not anywhere near perfect, but here is where
i share my experiences and learnings. hope you'll be blessed reading
my entries!
LOVE YOU!
Saturday, December 27, 2008

the end of the year is coming soon and i have to decide which path i want to walk in 2009. but, till now, i'm not sure which road is the right one for me. the good girl who's responsible, but insecure and lost, unsure of what the next step is. or the party girl who's reckless, but confident and straightforward, knowing what she wants. as i write this post, i'm the "good girl" who doesn't know what to do. 

for most of 2008, i've been a good girl, taking care of my family, going to church, spending time with the family, studying hard, trying to excel in hall. but, she couldn't find one thing - love. no, i'm not talking about the romantic kind, but the normal kind among friends. this year, i got rejected by SECC, by Rag, the two things that i decided to stay in hall for. i wonder if it's because i don't have the abilities, or because people just don't like me. everywhere i go, i feel like an outcast. everyone has their cliques, but i don't. it's always me and another clique or me, myself and i. how freakin sad? i don't know. i tried to find it in God, in fact, i'm still trying to find Him. but there's been no answer. i know i've been blessed by Him, the miracles i see every few weeks is proof that He is real in my life. but, somehow, i still feel that i'm not worth His love because nobody know how bad i actually am, how unworthy i actually am. see, that's the insecurity coming out to play with the mind. i know it when it comes, i just can't stop it. so is this the path i should take in 2009?

for a small part of 2008, i've been a party girl, clubbing, drinking, dancing. i admit that in here, i don't find love either, but at least i find friends. and my personality just totally changes. i'm confident, even arrogant because i know i'm beautiful, because i know the girls envy me and the boys want me. yes, that's not love, but it makes up for the lack of it, esp. the envy in the eyes of girls who don't know me, that is damn fulfilling. i become even more straightforward as well because i know that in the club, i don't have to take care of my family, i only take care of myself and the girls that are with me. in the club there is we, but no us. no us, but a lot of I. and what i want, i get. i take because i know there are no strings attached. by the next morning when i wake up, the only thing i'll remember is that i had a great time with my gals - kangy, xinying, bella, xinyi, charlene and even lynette and vk. the other boys and girls, they are all nothing but a passing of the moment, almost a dream. fun with totally no strings attached. the boys will become people who are faceless, nameless, unless i want to remember them. no numbers exchanged, no names taken. and even if there were numbers, it's still my call as to whether i want to use them or not. usually i don't. but this life only exists at night, never in the sun. and i ask myself, is this really going to be the path i walk in 2009?

i wish i could find God, like now. for one whole year i've been searching but returning with nothing. i fasted, i prayed, i read my bible, i went for cg, i went for services. but WHY? my quiet time can be anything from an hour to like 5hours. and i find nothing, not a single thing. nada. zilch. yah. it's probably my fault. i'm too unholy and unworthy for God? i don't know. what else can i do? i've told the whole world i'm a Christian already. i'm binded to God already. but why don't i feel Him? whyy? i'm not whining. i'm just sad that i didn't find Him.

i know what i'm going to be doing in 2009, but i don't know who should i be. weird.
i feel damn screwed.
i don't feel like thinking anymore
makes things too complicated.