241st post - random remark because i saw the notification on Blogger.

well, two more days to the new year! how exciting can that get. but guess what, i'm not going to spend New Year's Eve clubbing. in fact, i'm bartender-ing for the place i used to work at earlier this year. can't wait to get back into that atmosphere cause it's just a place where i like a lot. reminds me of late nights serving customers, closing and then drinking the rest of the time away, playing jenga when we're all high or drunk, and me always winning cause i'm the most sober one. LOLS.

been thinking much the past few days. i realize that there's someone i want but cannot have. because of our religious backgrounds, because of our age, because of our lifestyle, because, simply because we are in different stages of our lives and it'll never work out unless, we both are willing to make huge, huge sacrifices. but i can't sacrifice my religion. that's the one thing that is the biggest obstacle. and, my biggest saving grace as well. this week's service really put my thinking into perspective again.

i know a lot of my leaders read my blog and, please, continue thinking what you want to, i really don't care. you know why. cause the only one i really care about now is God. i don't care what you think of me. i see your eyes looking at me with disdain, disgrace, dislike. and it was because of all that. yes. that's why i turned away from church, time after time. because you simply judge based on what you do not know. humans are judgmental, i understand. keep it that way, because that is reality.

i realize that even after korie brought me back to church, i had a choice to stay or to go. i stayed because of korie in the beginning. then later, i stayed because i wanted to find the God that i knew. but then, i realize that life outside my relationship with God was just as tempting. i went into it and am still in it. because it's addictive. because it fulfills all the temporal needs that i have. because it gives me the appreciation that i don't get in church, in hall, in my family, from the people around me.

now, i'm moving into that grey area in between. because i want to be secular and have fun, yet i want that relationship with God. the past month, i've been living two lives. one in the day and one at night. it was fun. but it's getting tiring now. i want to have fun and yet not be tired. is that even possible? nope. it's not. i have to choose one and keep the other somewhere else. but i like the vices i got into. i like the feeling of being rebellious and naughty, because i never got to do all those things when i was younger. i grew up under stress of the family business, family matters, school responsibility, the expectations of others. where was a 12 year-old to find fun in such huge responsibilities? it made me a better person, but a lonely lacking child.

shoot. i think i may just need someone professional to start seeing me. i'm too complicated, even for myself. i envy those who had a simple childhood. you may have been poor or rich. you may have had a hard life, or an easy one. but at least you completed your childhood happy. i wish i could turn back time, and be more rebellious.