Sunday, November 30, 2008

sick-ed with the flu-ed.
end transmission....

Saturday, November 29, 2008

明明不到一公尺的距离，偏偏对你的爱无法传递
多么希望紧紧拥抱着你，对你再次任性地撒娇
但现实仍然残酷，不允许我们维持那样的关系
童话的结局与无数的曾经相比，一样不够完美
童话般的恋爱，是无知小孩的游戏

想问你愿意在次试着与我写幸福的结局
但发现自己没有这项权利
问默默爱你是否咒语，从此以后如此着迷

接触中的空洞，多孤单
你独特的微笑，看不见
我无奈的叹息，多痛苦
这是天意不可谓的命运？

爱你的心，埋在最深的海底
留下的泪，失去地吸引力的雨滴
最爱的泥，伤透了心 - 对不起
请你忘了我的坏，记住我的美

低头哭泣，沉默无语
因为语言无法改变事实
宁可让沉默的温柔
当爱你的表现

离去，消失，永别
我真得不愿不意
但爱你而放弃
是我的温柔

i was going through a box of stuff and i found this letter that i wrote

every thing in that box is more than two years old

and for the past two years, it's been hidden in a dark corner

but i finally took it out and cleared most of it

i only left the happy memories that we made

and the sad ones, i'm going to burn them on Sunday

it's really time to move on

i keep saying that to myself

but this is really going to be the end

clearing momentos is the best way for me to move on

i don't deny that

you still have a place

in my heart

and mind

and even probably

my soul

but as time goes by

i hope time changes everything

i'm ready for any crap that the world is going to throw at me,
which i think looking at the current situation, is going to be a lot.
life's not exactly going in the right direction now,
but i know that my God is greater. :D

sh*t happens. that's all i have to say.
it's how we react to it that matters.

i really wish that i was my siblings

they don't seem to know what it going on

am i the only one suffering?

from knowing the truth

from feeling the burden

from not being able to enjoy like them.

i wonder if they know what's going on in the family

i wonder if they know how much crap

my mum and i are going through

i wonder if they even care about their future.

God, why?

why me?

we always ask the question.

but really why?

i'm accepting mysef for who am i

but why do you still forget me

ceks, brys.

why do you not think about me

am i that unimportant

i want a family who loves me

that's it.

why do you ignore me as if i'm not part of the family?

if you hate me, say so.

then i'll leave, faraway.

so that you be happy.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

i'm am totally NOT studying at all today. i need a break in between all the crazy book reading and lecture webcasting. very happy because i have 3movies on the menu, sponsored by CrunchyRoll.com! hahas.

ok, maybe i'll be studying tonight.

SSA2211 TMR!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

what do we sacrifice to survive?

thinking back on my secondary school days, i realized that my life could have taken a whole different path and i probably wouldn't be who i am and where i am today. this one "what if" has been stuck in my head for the last half and hour or so and i just had to blog it.

many people don't know, but i almost became a cellist for the Mayflower Symphonic Band. but i didn't, because i wanted to pursue another passion. i wanted to become a drummer in the Chinese Orchestra. but that didn't come to pass either. the conductor of the band came looking for me. the teacher-in-charge of the band came looking for me. but i turned down both their offers because i wanted to be a drummer for the CO. but the CO didn't want be as a drummer, they wanted be to be their bassist. but i had enough of string instruments, and i ended up joining everything cultural other than the CO and SB.

it so happened that i went into the drama club and acted in Mayflower's inaugural movie, became their vice-president, wrote their SYF script and became a key player in the CCA. then by chance, i went on the JEP - Japan Exchange Program. rediscovered my love and passion for music and joined the choir, giving up the chance to become the drama club's president. became a soprano and spent almost two meaningful years in the choir. but when i went to JC, i put down all my musical passions and joined the Student Council. now in Uni, not only do i still take up leadership positions, but i'm also honing my sports skills. what a weird turn of events.

i was thinking, what if i had been in Mayflower's SB, would i have continued on to join Nanyang's SB? would they have needed a cellist? i wouldn't know because my focus was always on the percussion section while i was in NY. would i have changed my CCA to SC if i had been in the band in secondary school? would i have met the people i met? would i still have fallen in love with the person i fell in love with? would i have made the same number of happy memories that i made?

if i had been in the SB in Mayflower, i would have continued in NY. i wouldn't have run for SC. i probably wouldn't have fallen in love with my ex who was a percussionist. i probably wouldn't have made as many memories as i did with the SC. i probably would have been closer to 0602.

but then, i wouldn't have learnt the lessons on leadership that i got in the SC. i wouldn't have opportunities to lead and serve the school in LTC. i wouldn't have learnt the lessons in love and life that i was supposed to learn through yh. i wouldn't have found my 29SC family. i wouldn't have backslided because i would not have been in a relationship. but then, i also wouldn't have met korie who would bring me back to Christ. i wouldn't have entered CHC and fallen in love with it. and i wouldn't have found my N415 family.

what would i be doing now if i had taken that offer to be a cellist so many years ago? i probably would have fallen in love with a violinist. i probably would have joined the SNYO. i probably would still be in my old church. i probably wouldn't have gone through the pain of loving someone too much. i probably wouldn't have grown up. i probably wouldn't be going through what i am going through now. my future would have been very different.

but i also wouldn't have found my calling in life.

all this while, i have been thinking of going back to music where i first started off. maybe if i did, i would have another avenue of stress relief from the things that are happening now. but at this point of time, i cannot afford such a luxury. i cannot go back to music because of what is happening in my family. not just now. but i believe in the future, i will be able to go back to music if God allows me to, because it is one of my greatest desires that i have kept hidden and forgotten all this while.

what i have blogged today, is something that my ex, my korie, and even my best friends don't know. honestly, quelyn is a mystery. there are so many surprises about her that you wouldn't know where her talent begins and ends. she's blessed by God with so many things. but she just doesn't know where to use them. she wasted some of them already, but she wants to get them back.

to my best gal pals, you probably didn't know about this, sorry for not telling you gals, but it just really slipped my mind because i'm always busy doing other things. but i want to tell you that, i promise to spend even more time with all of you because i know that recently, i've been neglecting all of you. but, quelyn still lovesya gals. :D

to yh, honestly, i don't know what to say to you. i told you before about somethings my family was going through, but i didn't know if you were listening. but whatever i said was true. it's up to you whether you believe it or not. but as a friend, you are entitled to think what you wish to.

korie, and to all my other bros younger and older, bet you didn't know that your mei is so talented! maybe one day i'll play for all of you to hear at a concert. maybe, just maybe.

to my parents, you never supported me in any of my dreams. and i don't expect you to do so even after this because i know what you want me to do. i will fulfill all of your expectations, but i want you to know that you cannot confine me in this boring, meaningless path that you have paved because i know that there's more to me than what you think i should do.

there are so many "what ifs" that are running through my mind. maybe another day i'll blog about another "what if" that i'm thinking about. but for now, i just want to say that i don't regret taking the path that i have trodden because it has been a meaningful one. because it has been one that led me back to my first love, God. and i know that He will one day allow me to pursue my second love, music - when the time comes. in what way and what form, i don't know. but i do know that what i have to do now is trust in Him and grown in Him and rebuild what i have lost.

SC1101E Sociology Paper TMR!

pray for me, cause i think i'll really need the prayers.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

if there is one thing that i was convicted of even more during the Asia Conference, it would be that i want to use my own money to bless the people around me even more. but more than that, i also want to help build schools, homes, and eventually, the LIVES of the people in Singapore and Asia. just like Sun, maybe. but i know that part of my calling is to love, help and rebuild people.

but i also know that i am a long, LOOOONG way from where i am supposed to be because i have to learn to rebuild my own life first. i know where i am living at, and i know where i have to go. being baptized was just the start of the journey. Asia Conference was just the first lecture. and i know that when it comes to the last lecture, i will be the speaker. maybe not to a congregation of 35,000. but to a congregation where there are people who's lives need to be touched. my life story will change people because they will see how God's love worked in me and how it can work in their lives too.

how do i know where the other half of my calling lies?
but how do i get there?
how do i rebuild?
how do i fulfill?

all i know is that i am very grateful to N415ers, past, present and even future, because you guys are the spiritual family that i can find my shelter in. when i'm with all of you, i'm truly happy. even when i'm tired, sad, frustrated, worried, you guys&gals always give me the strength to smile again and laugh from the bottom of my heart. trudy, sijia and yanming, the N233ers who will always have a special place in my heart because they, like N415, love me for who i am.

you raise me up, so i can stand on mountains

you raise me up, to walk on stormy seas

i am strong when i am on your shoulders

you raise me up, to more than i can be

I WILL NOT BE BEATEN DOWN

I WILL NOT GIVE UP

I'M A WINNER

self-psyching seems to be the best way to believe in things you don't believe in.

Monday, November 24, 2008

带我走到遥远的以后

带走我一个人自转的寂寞

带我走就算我的爱你的自由

都将成为泡沫

我不怕带我走

God, take me away from my past

and help me lead this new life

that you've placed in front of me

God, take away the pain within me

and help me smile from my heart

God, i beg you

just take it all away

and help me forget

God, i plead with you.

QUELYN SURVIVED ASIA CONFERENCE

with a total of 14hours of sleep!

but i'm glad that i went because i've been really blessed by all the speakers and the things that they have shared. it's brought me to a new realization and revelation about the way i see things and the way i live life. money, power, fame, i'll use them to glorify the name of God. but first i have to start with myself. changing the way i live my daily life, the way i see myself. it all starts from me and it's not easy because of everything that's happening around me. i don't to tell anyone except my korie, anything anymore. things just keep getting worse. i thought that after that period of time helping my family ended, it would get better. but it seems that matter just got worse after my mother told me the news. are we really going to have to be under the huge D-word for the rest of our lives?

quelyn doesn't believe it.

she doesn't want to succumb to it.

she doesn't want it to let things get to her.

everything works out for good.

everything will be fine.

everything is ok.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

i've almost crossed that thin red line

to stand on the path across

to watch you from afar instead

of being where you are

i'm pulling myself with all my might

to stand on the parallel path

to stand alone on that road

and walk my way in life

if one day we ever cross paths again

maybe then we'll be friends

but for now i'll leave it as it is

but honestly

i don't believe we could be

what happened, will always be history

i'm happy it happened

i'm happy that it's over

from now on we'll take our different roads

i won't wait at the crossroads

i promise

good-bye.

blessed? MORE THAN THAT!

today at the inaugural Asia Conference was the service with Benny Hinn, a great evangelistic healer. if you want to know more, just google his name. but today, i think, was just totally awesome! the deaf really heard, the lame really walked, those who had cancer really were healed! i mean, how many times in your life will you see such miracles. i've heard of them a lot, but today i saw it before my very eyes. hearing aids gone, crutches gone, wheelchairs gone! i'm really convicted of the God i am believing in and i'm going to be a light that will shine.

one thing that Ps. Benny shared today was that to get the anointing, you have to destroy your past - one of the eight steps to really being a vessel for Christ. and that, i would think will be my biggest challenge because i'm a very nostalgic person and i'm a person who loves deeply. so for me to forget my past experiences, happenings, relationships etc. it's not going to be the easiest. it would probably be easier to just transplant a new brain into me.

but i believe that my breakthrough will come and i will serve the kingdom mightily one day.

would you believe together with me?

Friday, November 21, 2008

a good piece of art

brings out the emotions of its audience

by capturing their imagination

woots! second day of Asia Conference is over and i've really been blessed even though i'm totally sleepy. other than the fantastic speakers, great worship and parades, the elective workshops were really great. went for two song/worship related ones and was totally blessed to the max. :D food at the conference is really good too. but a lot of the time, it goes really really fast because of the sheer number of people that are attending the conference daily.

have i really found my calling? i'm telling you honestly, i don't know. all i know is that i'm gifted in that area. i feel that there's a lot more that i can do then whatever i am thinking of right now. but i just don't know what it is i have to do. someone once told me that i'll be a woman of faith. another great preacher also prophesied almost the same thing. twice in my life, the same thing has been said. but i'm not reaching that epitome of where i have to be.

and i know why, it's because i cannot trust. looking at my parents, looking at some relationships in my life, HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO TRUST AGAIN? sure, there are people in my life that i trust. but i know that i have to get out of the cycle that i'm in now. i have to stop finding substitute flings. i have to stop, and strip my bad girl image - something that not many people know of, but many have seen. i have to cut down on being a party animal.

you are not supposed to read the following.and i realize that all these happened after i broke up with yh. it's such a sick, tragic cycle. i thought i had let go already. he moved on way before me. but i feel that i'm not moving on totally because, there wasn't any closure - and that is something that i cannot ask for now because, it's way past that period. but i know that i have many questions. i knew certain things were happening, esp. after watching some concerts and hearing somethings, reading somethings. i kept wondering if i was loyal to someone who... shucks. why am i putting myself through this again. i should just stop thinking about it right? in all honesty, i want to treat him as another one of my best friends, like how korie keeps good relations with his exs. but somehow, i don't know if it's possible for me because he's already taken a space inside and i feel that i'll never genuinely see him as a friend. instead, i'll keep thinking of him as a bf. and that is something very, very, very dangerous for me.

now. i'm confused. but, i have the answer to all of the above. they're given by God. it's just that, i'm not being obedient.

GOD, HELP ME.

i am inadequate on my own.

i'll never find the right guy

if i keep having this mindset.

i'll never be able to fulfill my destiny

if my mind is on other things.

bring me back to where You are Lord.

Quelyn, keep telling yourself...

old things have passed.

you are a new being.

Christ-centered.

remember.

Rebekkah.

binded.

loved.

...

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

can't wait for Asia Conference, TOMORROW!! after two days of trying to study, my brain is almost rotting from the pain and torture that my modules are burning into it. i'll still be studying during AC, but at least it's not non-stop. there'll be so many things to look forward to, amazing speakers, and seeing LOADS of people from other countries. *smiles - handsome boys!* hahas. but i think i'll be too busy to look at them. ):

oh well. just focus on being a good host for the next 5days.

then focus on being a good listener.

then focus on being a good student.

yeah! Asia Conference, LET'S GO!

korie, i finally got the answer i was looking for.

:D feeling so relieved right now because i'm finally at peace.

woots. can't wait for what He's got in store for me in the future.

and to yh, from the bottom of my heart,

i wish you all the best with your lovely gf.

see you around soon,

best friend.

less than 1week to exams!

Monday, November 17, 2008

bleah. that had to be the worst lunch i ever had. :(

it's reading week and i'm encapsulating myself in hall. i got myself some stuff from daiso and i decided that today i'd eat instant seaweed soup and some japanese noodles, together. wrong choice! cause i took the first mouthful of it and realized that it was an MSG overloader. salty to the max. hahas. i know i'm the salt of the earth, but, that's not how i want to be "salted". lols.

the food's still on my table and i'm wondering what i should do with it cause it's a whole bowlful! maybe later during dinner i'll go get rice and see what happens. hahas.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

quelyn has officially been reborn to be known as

QUELYN REBEKKAH KOH SHU HUI

ok, so those of you who really know me will know that that's not the end of my name! but this is officially my baptized name because.... TODAY WAS MY WATER BAPTISM. wow. it was just such a wonderful experience, i just don't know where to start. i feel as if there's nothing more that i could ever want after this experience. really thank N415 who were there with me all the way, from the anxiousness, to the nervousness and last but not least, to the joy of the who event! also special thanks to the pretties - JOYJOY! TRUDY! & SIJIA!, as well as my hunky 6pec Oh Liang Cai's brother, OH YAN MING! hahas.

wheeee. i'm still feeling super high from that experience. it's like, there's something in me that died. and now, i just feel totally different. God, you made this possible. now, let you will, not mine, be done in my life. i'm going to be the light of the world and the salt of the earth. talking about salt, thanks OMC for letting me go super lightly. :D i know YOU (not referring to anyone in particular) wanted to tekan me. but, God loves me and my cGL loves me. hehes.

happy happy. ok. but i better go study because EXAMS ARE COMING SOON! stress. stress? nope. fasting and praying, and of course, studying for it. plus Asia Conference is like smack in the middle of reading week. but, tell me, who cares? Asia Conference may be a showcase of us, but, the speakers, i believe, will still touch our lives powerfully.

I AM GOING TO BE A GOOD HOST.

I AM GOING TO BE A GOOD STUDENT.

I AM GOING TO BE A GOOD DAUGHTER.

I AM GOING TO BE THE BEST CHRISTIAN. :D

good luck to JoyJoy & Karen during FashionFiesta

as well as to OHYANMING during ManHunt

i'm praying that you'll will win!

<3s

going to study now!

Saturday, November 08, 2008

GOD, CAN YOU HELP ME SPREAD MY WINGS TO FLY AGAIN?

Friday, November 07, 2008

oddly enough, i'm feel a sense of calm after hearing the news.

God, is this your answer?

so that i can do even more for You.

why do you still have the ability to bring tears to my eyes?

it's not fair.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

quelyn is proud of myself today! :D

i admit that i am still not feeling well, but at least i was able to get some things done.

for example, my marketing call book is almost done

though i'm still thinking of a few sponsors that i can put in

and i went for netball training despite the illness. :D

YES!

ok. the next thing is to get totally better

and start studying for for the final exams that are looming upon me

loves.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

FLUEEEY~

hehes. been down with the flu for the longest time because we were caught in the rain during night cycling. oh well. couldn't go for classes the past few days. been feeling really bad. but at least i got ONE reading done! good job! :D

lols. that's all for now. my woozy head wants to sleep again.

loves.

Monday, November 03, 2008

monday blues have definitely kicked in today. after so many weeks in university, for the first time, i didn't feel like doing anything at all. i just wanted to stay home. and yes, it didn't help that i was sleeping at home yesterday night. so this morning, i woke up late and ended up not going for morning prayer. :(

i rushed to school, thinking that i would be late for lesson, but once i got to hall, i just "nua"-ed. and ended up sleeping. and then, i'm not at netball practice now. haix. i wonder what i'm doing in university. i wonder what i'm going to do after i get my university degree. or maybe it's just today that i'm feeling almost totally lost again.

RAR. anyhow. went for night cycling with the other shearites and was in detail 5. hahas. tandem cycling is fun. but i prefer the freedom of a single bicycle. had a really interesting night with my cycling partner because we really talked about things that i enjoyed. it's not easy to find other people who are intellectual enough to hold conversations of such topics.

really enjoyed the food that we had at lau pa sat and geylang. lols. i don't usually eat that kind of food because those places are not where i frequent. but i think i want to go back to that shop in geylang to try their beancurd and fried dough fritters! the last time i went to geylang was for supper lorry and the dim sum shop wasn't as good because there are places with better dim sum. hahas.

AND I LOVED THE RAIN! although it made me sick, i was still happy that it rained. because we got to rest at the esplanade. ok, we were supposed to make a stop there anyway, but the unexpected downpour meant that i could close my eyes and sleep for a while. the rain made it cold, but it's been sometime since i i was drenched in rain. rekindled the feeling of playing in the rain when i was a child.

well, that's about it. (:

got nothing emo or really interesting to blog about anymore.

i'm now just really tired.

and i feeling like sleeping again...

lols.

byes!