if anything, right now, this song expresses how i feel. "おかえり" [pronounced as "okaeri"] means "you're home", and it is something that is said in japanese households whenever someone comes back home, the people in the house will welcome the one walking in by saying that line.

but more than that, it's the meaning that is encompassed in the whole song itself. the way the lyrics are phrased is as if it is a confession to her family of how much she loves them [the lyrics were written by the singer herself]. it's also as if it is a reflection of the songwriter on what inspires her to live on everyday.

coming back, i ask myself, what is it that inspires me to live my own life? what do i have that is really worth living for. everyday that i live is just another day that i pass, another day that passes me by. i suddenly feel so empty. sure, my life revolves around God, around university life, around friends. but sometimes, i don't see what's driving me onwards.

if i break down my life into individual days, i don't see why i should live on anymore, or rather i don't see my motivation to live on. i realize that all i do is love. all i know is how to love. but, i don't feel love from others. sometimes i wonder if it is because i don't love them enough and that's why they're not responding to me.

or maybe to me, the most ordinary of things are actually extraordinary and maybe my very plain and ordinary love is not extraordinary enough for everyone. like the second verse of the song translates "blotting out my sadness and painting a smile on my face,/ i pretend as if everything is alright./ i admit that although i can understand the importance of belief,/ it is the most critical of moments that i doubt myself."

honestly, today is a very confusing day for me. so many things that i've never wanted to feel have just come up. i always thought that i was confident enough to take on the world. a few weeks ago, i was down in the pit because i was told i wouldn't be able to sing again. but just in the last two weeks, God gave me a miracle and i've proven that i can sing again. singing at the bar, singing at camp, garnering applause from people i know and i don't. but why at this time am i feeling self doubt. why at this time am i feeling loneliness?

maybe it's because of the last four days since i came back from camp. every night i sit in my room alone. every night, the only thing that keeps me company is the television. the house that i live in is quieter than ever. no daddy. no mummy. no brothers. no sisters. i wish that when i come home, someone would say "okaeri!" or "welcome home!".

the song also says in the middle "because of you, i have come to appreciate that/ there is no such thing as ordinary happiness in the world..." and honestly, that's what i feel too, since walking with God again. but then again, there's always that small little part that is missing. why? why! why? i missing a sweet home. one with a real daddy. a real mummy. a real set of siblings.

home. home. where is my home?

maybe this is why hall life appeals so much to me. to have someone next door come and open my door and start talking to me. to have a group of people who will actually be there for me. for a group of people who are so bonded together that they become more than hallmates - they become family.

おかえり - something that i think i will find in hall. reading all the block blogs of sheares hall, i don't mind being ponded once a month just to know that there's some people out there who are willing to take the time to wet me from head to toe. at least they bother to use some brain cells and muscle strength on you.

home. おかえり paints a vivid picture of Ayaka's love for her family. hopefully one day when i sing this song on stage, i will sing it with the same emotions that she sings it with. and i pray that those emotions within me will be as real as the things that i can touch. when singing, emotions can be faked. but what makes a song even more heart-wrenching and beautiful is when it comes with the singer's real emotions.