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THE BLOG! :) obviously, but also to a world of wonders and mysteries
that are to be unraveled because that's precisely what SHE (or rather
me,) is all about. if you know me, welcome to another side of me.
but if you don't know me, it's okay. i still welcome you into a world of me
and what happens. i'm not anywhere near perfect, but here is where
i share my experiences and learnings. hope you'll be blessed reading
my entries!
LOVE YOU!
Monday, June 02, 2008

being strong ... is tough.
being strong ... is tiring.

for the past two days, that's what i've been trying to be. trying to be normal. trying to be happy. but it's not easy. i wish, i wish i had someone to lean on again. someone who would hold me to himself and just let me lean on for an extended period of time. but, that's not possible. in fact, it is impossible. this is the first time in my whole life that i realize that quelyn cannot find something, quelyn cannot do something that she wants, quelyn cannot have someone that she wants.

i was telling k2 that i still cry myself to sleep at night even though rationally, i know that i shouldn't be. k2 replied that it'll just be a few days before i get over this, and he told me not to take too long. yh tells me not to be emotional about it. but these tears really have no emotional connections at all. sh*t. i hate it when something like this happens. i know what i should be doing, but something else happens and i cannot control it. i wish that the two of you were by my side. the word being "wish". and now, quelyn has found a second thing that is impossible for her to make come true.

suddenly i feel so limited. suddenly i feel so hard pressed. i tell myself that God has a better plan for me. but i'm not seeing that "better plan". and it doesn't help when my crew is telling me that they're getting ready for another competition - i haven't tell them that i won't be competing in anything for at least the next two years. how am i suppose to break the news to them? four years ago, they were the one who gave me my wings, taking me under theirs until i could hold my place on that stage. everything from hiphop to jazz and even to my academic KI paper, they were the people who taught me everything i know, every move that i can make. i've never left them. even when i had council + a boyfriend + church, i never left them. i always made time for them. but now, i'm going to break their wings. rainbeauZ, i'm really sorry. this blog's url name was dedicated to you, to us, but now... i'm sorry.

我的快乐

会回来的

只要清楚曾爱得那么深刻

不准问值不值得

我的快乐

会回来的

离开不是谁给了谁的选择


i believe that this happiness of mine will come back someday, one day. and it doesn't matter how long i have to wait, because it will be all worth it. for now, i'm sorry to those that i will have to let down. but i myself wasn't given a choice in everything that has happened. i can only choose what i am going to do from now on.