but nature i'm an optimist. if i cry, it means that i'm hurt very badly. and the past few days is a perfect example me being hurt very, very badly. today, i went to church and i cried. not because i was touched by God, but because i just took the opportunity to let out everything when no one's looking. in church, seeing people cry is normal. and i just blended in with them. because i don't want people to ask me why i'm crying. because i don't want to see the eyes of people boring into me with shades of over-protectiveness. i'm a fiercely independent girl even though i don't look and act the part most of the time.
there is only one person's arms that i will fall into crying because he is the one who's always been there for me. he's always the first to realize something is wrong with me and always the first to lend me a shoulder to cry on. and i will unashamedly take his shoulder for support. breaking, thailand, my family problems, he knows them all. but recently, i find myself running away from him as well. i want to tell him and go to him for comfort, but i hold myself back. because i don't want him to worry. because i don't know how to face him. because i don't know how to tell him.
i've lost my only source of verbal comfort and one of the few people who ever really cared for me, and i'm doing it because i cannot bear to let him see me in the state that i really am in.
if all that has happened was a coincidence, i just feel that i could jump off mount everest. the extent of sadness and tears is definitely more than all the seas in the world combined. but who know what quelyn goes through. i know there are some people who are just waiting for me to tell them what's happening to me. they seem to care, but i know that they will not care enough. they will just keep wanting to give me advice instead of care. i know i shouldn't be babied, but i don't want advice either.
if you lost everything you ever had, what would you feel like?
if you lost everything you ever loved, how would you react?
if you can put yourself in the above situation, you will feel what i am feeling now.
because i have just lost everything that i've ever cared about.
because i have just lost everything that i have ever loved.
because i just lost the ability to showcase who i really am.
because everything that i can do has been taken away from me.
i know i shouldn't be feeling like this since it's so near to LTC and i have to be at my best. but please forgive me, just let me be like this for the next week or so. if you knew what i'm going through, you would know why i'm feeling this way. but since you don't know, i don't ask for your sympathy. i can only promise you that i'll be at my best when i need to be. that's the beauty of having a personality like mine.
