let's fly in circles
just you and i
high up in the sky
as the clouds float by

there's not a moment where i regret going to the facilitator training sessions on saturday and sunday. the experience there has taught me alot about myself as an individual and as a person. i find that one of my ways of avoidance is to act happy. and i realized that i'm so good at it that i don't really know when i'm really happy and when i'm pretending to be happy. it made my days quite unbearable because i knew i was myself, yet not always. but after a talk with Eng Han, i finally realized that i am who i am and i'm an individual uniquely created by God. by pretending to be happy when i'm not makes me come across as a fake because people can feel when i'm really happy and when i'm pretending to be. now, i can breathe easy because i know that in any situation, i should just be myself. thank you EngHan, for listening to me, and for reminding me that i'm special.

another weakness is my inability to trust people. but that stems from my own inability to trust myself. the incident that made me lose my ability to trust myself was not one, but two. firstly, the divorce of my parents. i couldn't believe that after more than 10years of a happy family, it was broken in just an instant. painful as it was, i ha to grow up quickly to become a role model for my brother and sister. a helper to my mom. and i gave away my childhood. it was an unconcious choice on my part, but nevertheless, my choice. i have no one else to blame. but i don't need to blame because there is never a right or wrong choice, never a good or bad one. it's not the start that counts. it's the end that matters.

the second incident was when i broke up with yh. it was quite a disasterous breakup because i was so emotionally involved that i didn't know how to pull myself out. i'm someone who needs closure and i didn't get that. and from then on, i avoided anyone who looked like or even slightly resembled yh. but i faced this avoidance on the first day of training. we have an adult facilitator, ryan, that looks like yh. and during the "find a person you're uncomfortable with" talk, he was the first to come to mind, but i avoided. however, with some encouragment, during the "find the person you feel nervous talking to", i went to him and told him. he didn't get to finish what he was saying, but i know where he was heading to. thank you ryan, for listening to me, and thank you for the advice that you were going to give me. (:

ok, but that's not the point. the point is that i lost trust in people because i didn't know if i could really be myself around them. i'm by nature a very emotional person and after the breakup, i was crying almost everyday in school because that was the only outlet that i had. i couldn't cry at home because my mom would suspect something. but because of my letting out of emotions, i became a burden to people. emotionally and psychologically, i was tiring them out. but now i know that i can be emotional, but i have to learn to control as well. i have to trust myself that i won't be a burden to people and i have to trust people that they will be there for me. saying this, i want to thank the person in my life that i trust the most (after Daddy God of course). thank you lester korkor. for standing by me through alot of things. for never giving up on me. for always lending a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. for all the encouragement that you give me. and for always being my friend and bestest korkor.

my greatest lessons came from two activities that we went through. firstly, the trust fall and secondly, the tunnel through time. i did the trust fall two years ago. it wasn't perfect. i didn't trust my team mates. but this year, i did it. i really did it. but it's not my effort. it is thanks to my team, Apollo Biscuit & Waffle, for being so understanding and encouraging. thank you for trusting me, and for allowing me to trust all you guys. thank you for listening to me and encouraging me to chase after my dream, my goal. this dream has been with me for a very long time. but i never dared to voice it out because my parents are against me becoming a singer. they want me to be successful and earn loads of money so that i will be able to have an easy life, unlike them.

but daddy, mummy, i don't want an easy life. i want to chase after my dreams, my passion. i don't want to wait till i'm 50 and regret that i never lived my dream. no matter what the consequence, i will bear it myself. i just want to do what i love, what i'm passionate about. it's not easy. but it's my choice. i will still go through university and get a degree. but i may never become a professional office worker. i just want to go after my goal, no matter what you say. i'm sorry. but this is what i choose to do.

the "tunnel through time" activity and the pushing activity on the first day also showed me my strengths, and another weakness. i found that i always have the strength to carry on because i am a very determined person. no matter how tired i am or how discouraging people are, i will still go on, pushing for my goal, for what i want. there will be times where i want to give up, but my heart tells me to go on. however, once i reach my goal, once i fail, or if i take a breather, i will give in to emotional stress and i will continually cry and sometimes i am unable to handle my emotions and the stress. this is something that i have to handle because there will always be many times where i will have to fight for what i want. and so, it is my choice to continue buckling under the stress or to overcome it and become stronger.

i don't know how many people know me well enough, or think that they know me. but what i'm going to tell the world right now, may shock you. let me first say that i don't want your sympathy nor empathy nor do i want pity and looks that tell that you're thinking "oh, she's such a poor thing". i don't want any of that. i just want the people around me to know what i'm going through. i don't want to face this alone anymore. i don't want to pretend to be someone that i am not. this is me, this is who i am.

quelyn, used to be a spoilt rich kid who had everything she wanted. but between secondary 2 & 3, all this changed. she was no longer rich. but she was still spoilt. her parents did everything they could to allow her continue the lifestyle she lived. whatever she wanted to do, her parents would support her. but this gradually changed as her siblings grew up and needed more money as well. slowly, she had less and less but on the outside she pretended she still had everything. lying to the people around her and lying to herself. but this year, everything has changed 180degrees. her dad no longer has work. her stepmom doesn't work. and her young stepsiblings of 2years and 4years of age don't even have milk to drink. her mom is struggling with bringing up 3kids, 18, 16 and 13. debts, a car, and many more installment payments. therefore, many people know quelyn is working three jobs. and the above is the reason why. quelyn is no longer rich, no longer spoilt. she works for her family, for herself. she still goes shopping, but she finally understands the value of money. she still spends, but she understands the meaning of hard-earned money.

now you know who quelyn really is. don't look down on her. don't sympathize with her. treat her as you would your fellow human being. love her as you would yourself. be her friend. and trust that she'll make it through with God's help, grace and mercy. lend her a shoulder if she falls asleep. lend her a shoulder if she cries. but most importantly, give her your friendship as she gives hers to you.