it's been almost a week since level camp ended, and up to now, i haven't done my risk. i keep telling myself that i have to do it because if i want my friends to be open to me, i have to open up to them first. i know i have support from some of my friends (thankyou Angie&June), but i just don't know how to start. everytime i want to type those words out, something stops me. Is it distrust? Or is it just plain stubborness? i have a feeling that it's the former. i've been hurt before, but they just didn't realize that they did it. i still love them, but there is always that "but..." in my thoughts about them. being in cliques have never been my forte. i have one, two close friends, but never a circle of them. i'm in many cliques, yet in none.

sometimes i feel as if i am invisible. no matter how hard i try to join in a conversation, no one listens to me. no matter how hard i try to fit in, i'm always the misfit. being the only girl in a group of guys, that's my favourite situation. you know why? because that is where i feel the most protected. we may not be the best of friends, but i know that i am safe with them. but the bad thing is that, i'm never able to join in their conversations no matter how hard i try.

耍可爱，耍白痴，耍开心， 那是我最擅长的表现。

that's why i chase my dream alone. and that's why i feel that this path is the right one for me. being a singer-actress has been a childhood dream. and there has always been that passion that burns within me to be on the stage and be loved by many. i'm an attention-seeker - because no one has ever paid any attention to me in my whole life. i've always been a lone ranger, fighting to fend for myself, for the survival of my family and for the continument of my dream. for everything that i have, i've had to fight for it.

为梦想而奋斗 - 因人有梦而伟大

but i guess in everything that happens in our lives, it's our choices that make the difference. a large part of my life haan't changed because i don't want to make that choice to change. the only part of my life that i see becoming brighter is that path that leads to my dreams. but other than that, everything else seems to be getting darker and darker. oh, wait, maybe except for that friends part because i'm slowly opening up to my friends. as life gets longer, i hope that i'll die surrounded by the friends that i have made throughout my years...