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THE BLOG! :) obviously, but also to a world of wonders and mysteries
that are to be unraveled because that's precisely what SHE (or rather
me,) is all about. if you know me, welcome to another side of me.
but if you don't know me, it's okay. i still welcome you into a world of me
and what happens. i'm not anywhere near perfect, but here is where
i share my experiences and learnings. hope you'll be blessed reading
my entries!
LOVE YOU!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008

i hope you don't mind
i hope you don't mind
that this bleeding heart of mine
cannot be saved by your gentle words

i pray you understand
i pray you understand
that it's hard to keep what i can't give
and it's hard to give what i've never had

this world of mine
this world of mine
has only been felt by God and me
no other human has ever been in it

and i hope you'll see
i hope you'll see
how hard it is for me
to stay in this place with you

i realized that i'm still scarred by the past. i never have many girl-friends not because i don't like them but because i'm always afraid to open up to them. the hurt and the pain that those three girls caused in secondary school have left me running to guys instead. i love my guy friends. even though they are rougher, have almost no common topics and i have to be subjected to becoming one of them, i still prefer to be with them.

because they make me feel safe
in this world where all hope
has vanished
and danger lurks in every corner

God is male. and He keeps me safe in my everyday life, spiritually, physically and emotionally. in the same ways, my guy friends allow me to feel safe psychologically speaking. i can be who i am when i'm with them. i can open up knowing that when i slip all they'll do is laugh it off. and to a large extent this is hurting whatever friendships i have with the girls in any group i go to.

they think i'm a flirt
but that thought hurts me
they think i'm acting cute
but that thought kills me
they think i'm trying to be different
but i'm just trying to be me

many times i felt like leaving my groups of friends. be it church, school or just random groups i meet. but in school what keeps me there is the support i get from my best friends. in random groups what keeps me there is the company i get when i'm lonely. in church what keeps me there is being able to feel the presence of God with a group of like-minded people.

but it's hard to keep it up
it's hard to hear their voices
and know that their smiles
are not true at all
it hurts my heart to know
that they're just friends with me
because they have to be




i know i'm an insecure little girl
but i do know when people are true
i want to know you girls as well
and i'll keep on treating you'll with love
i just hope that one day you'll love me too


thank you to
jingyan nicole adeline monica
june veron geokting belinda
for always being by my side
and helping me believe
to that extent that
there are some girls
who truly care about me